Opinion: You Aren’t Good Enough at Guitar To Buy a Flying V, Man

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I can tell what you’re thinking from across the showroom. I know you want to pick one up, strum it like a jackass that has no idea what he’s doing, and take that beautiful piece home like she’s a mail order bride from the dark web, well guess what?! I can 100% guarantee you aren’t good enough at guitar to buy a flying V, man.

The look on your face tells me you don’t understand, so let me make it plain and simple why I’m not going to let you walk out of this shop with one: You don’t deserve to play, much less own, this majestic piece of mahogany, rosewood, and gloss nitrocellulose lacquer.

Face it chief, you’re flying too close to the sun here. Just like the angel dude from that bitchin Zeppelin poster. Don’t even think about it kid, you’ll hurt yourself.

Hate to break it to you son, but you’re just too green for a musical assault rifle like that. Do you even know this exalted instrument’s origin story? This piece of revolutionary art and design was popularized by motherfuckers like Dave Davies. That’s right, man. The fuckin’ Kinks. The white-hot licks of a nondescript British man simply could not be contained by anything less than the Mjölnir of guitars.

You can just hear the white pickguard acrylic dot inlays absolutely cutting through the mix like a hot knife through butter. Can you imagine how anemic songs like “‘Till the End of the Day” or “Who’ll Be the Next in Line” would sound were it not for the raw power of the V? And do you really think a little piss-ant like you is ready, let alone worthy, of that kind of pure rock power? Fuck outta here man!

Do you know how Lenny Kravitz went from writing rippers like “Fly Away” to churning out cold diarrhea like “Raise Vibration”? Because he went to the studio and left his custom shop signature ‘67 flying V at home. Not one note of the Gibson ‘57 Signature pickups from his model or the trademark sound of a vintage V’s korina body. The V giveth and the V taketh away. It’s bigger than both of us, and at the end of the day you just plain can’t fucking HANDLE it man!

A guitar this dangerous doesn’t come with training wheels and elbow pads, my friend, so I suggest you look elsewhere. That said, is there another guitar I can show you, Mr. Satriani? We have a nice collection of used Squires and nylon stringed Yahmahas over her if you’re interested.

Man Only Willing to Vote for Candidates Who Will Remove His Ability to Vote

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

ATLANTA — Local man Chris Mitchell reportedly is only willing to vote for a candidate who will immediately restrict, hinder and ultimately completely bar him from voting, confirmed sources close to the self-described American patriot.

“I’m a one-issue voter,” said Mitchell while filling out his voter registration card, which, if all goes according to his candidate’s plan, will be “lost” shortly after being received. “There’s a lot of problems in politics, and frankly, I’m one of them: I’m woefully ill-informed, and I don’t give a shit about the well-being of others, or even the maintenance of my community. If anything, my vote is a drag on everyone around me. I just can’t be relied on to think of any kind of decent reason to vote, other than my deep distrust of anyone different from me in any way. That’s why I only trust politicians who will do their best to take my constitutional, God-given right to vote from me.”

“Also, probably from a lot of black people,” he added.

Rep. Dwayne Reddall, a Republican member for the Georgia House, sympathized with Mitchell.

“Liberal activists want to ignore the existence of voters like Mr. Mitchell, who care deeply about being denied their right to affect change in government, just like the Framers intended,” said Reddall as he reviewed a new bill that will remove any voters who have changed addresses in the last 10 years, own cats, or buy plant-based milk alternatives from the rolls. “And it’s not just regular Joes like him who want their votes taken away: my constituents include landlords, individuals involved in fracking, pillow manufacturers… the local support behind this is overwhelming.”

Professor Jonathan Payne, head of the Department of Political Science at Georgia State University, was unsurprised.

“More and more Americans simply don’t want to vote, and don’t feel like it should be their responsibility,” said Payne. “Plus, once you take in to account the fact that the guy from work who heats up egg salad in the microwave and clips his toenails at his desk has the same exact voting power as you, there’s no way not to get discouraged. So, for a lot of people, less people voting is better. Plus, let’s not forget how racist everyone is. That’s huge here.”

In related news, an unpaid parking ticket from 2003 has already made Mitchell ineligible to vote for the remainder of his life.

Not To Kink Shame but What’s up With the Tooth Fairy?

Posted on by Kate Howard

First things first, I’m so open-minded about sex. I’m vocal about it, too. I guess you could say I’m open-mouthed about sex too. But you know what hole of mine is not open to sex? The hole in my gums where my molar used to be. I don’t mean to kink shame, but seriously, the tooth fairy is one sick fuck.

Again, not judging. I just think it’s weird that no one’s talking about it. Like, why is everyone just okay with a tiny creature getting off on stealing baby teeth in the middle of the night in exchange for the change they got back from buying what I can only assume are teeth-shaped condoms?

I’m not closed-minded about sex. I contribute to multiple OnlyFans and I ideologically support all sex work, but there’s a limit people. And that limit is baby teeth. Hell, if you can get past the “teeth” part of it, the word “baby” is an even tougher sell. Sorry TF, I’m keeping my kids’ teeth in a secure location: Inside their mattresses in between a brick of gold and the certificates of authenticity to all those stars I bought.

The bottom line is teeth are disgusting and the tooth fairy is a twisted night-demon for being so into them. Once again, I’m not saying this to kink shame. Literally, any other fetish makes sense to me. I get that the Easter Bunny has a thing for pastel eggs, and I particularly respect that the guy wants to hunt for them. Santa’s kink for breaking into peoples’ homes at night is a no-brainer. Even the idea of a fairy sneaking into your room at night is understandably hot. But then you throw in teeth? Total dealbreaker.

Ominous Record Store Employee Warns Not to Listen to Mogwai Album After Midnight

Posted on by Michael Luis

KINGSTON FALLS, N.Y. — An ominous record store employee reportedly warned customers yesterday that the new Mogwai album should not be exposed to direct sunlight, water, and above all, not played or listened to after midnight, creeped-out sources confirmed.

“These fools rarely heed my warnings. They look at me like I’m crazy, because I have an in-depth knowledge of everything we import and I wear the same Guided by Voices shirt every single day, but I’m not crazy. I’m just practical,” said Vinyl Circus employee Brandon Wing, of those trying to buy “As The Love Continues,” the latest LP from the Scottish band. “One might think that Mogwai’s lush post-rock sound would be perfect for listening to in the dark of night, but no: something awful will happen. That album will no longer be what you thought it was. They’ll see. They’ll all see.”

The most recent purchaser of the album was Allen Davis, a local music aficionado who said he was made very uncomfortable by Wing’s antics.

“I haven’t listened to Mogwai since ‘Happy Songs for Happy People,’ but now I’m like, ‘I have to hear this thing,’” said Davis. “So I’m trying to buy it, but the guy won’t ring it through until he finishes rambling on about all these rules… like I’ve never bought a record before. He mentioned some crap about ‘transformation’ and ‘mutation’ while playing with this creepy necklace around his neck, and I figured maybe he was just talking about the band’s progression over the years. Which I get; maybe Mogwai peaked with ‘Rock Action.’”

“He also said the record store was built on an ancient burial ground, and I think I saw some voodoo dolls in the back room,” added Davis. “I just wanted to get out of there.”

Anders Rogers had a similar experience with Wing a few days earlier when attempting to purchase a Ramones record.

“I heard if you listen to ‘Pet Sematary’ off of ‘Brain Drain’ in the middle of night, something might happen,” said Rogers while wiping his muddy hands on his pants. “That weirdo kept warning me not to buy it, so I’ll be honest, I stole it. I just really missed my son, okay? But look at him! He’s fine. Maybe he’s acting a little strange, but he’s fine. Wait, where’s Gage? And where’s my pocket knife?”

At press time, Kingston Falls police had been called to a disturbance at Dorry’s Tavern, which reportedly consisted of multiple men in their late 30s destroying the bar while listening to Mogwai on the jukebox.

US Landlords Approve Plans To Raise Rent by $1,400

Posted on by Josh Klasco

UNITED STATES — Landlords across the United States approved plans today to raise rent by $1,400 this April, to the consternation of their tenants, incredulous sources confirm.

“There’s nothing irregular about a sudden rise in rent of a thousand bucks or so in conjunction with a major stimulus bill,” claimed Baltimore landlord Adam Hamdan, who doesn’t see what the fuss is about. “This is pretty standard stuff. It just so happens that every landlord across the country is having the same exact issues right now, and an increase in rent is the only way to manage that. We’ll put the money towards ghost-proofing each property, and making sure each home can handle any harmful radio waves from 5G or something. I don’t fucking know.”

Chicago renter Shadi Duoti remembers the day his landlord told him about the rent hike.

“She barged right in and was like, ‘Hey, um, I just got the news that… uh… property values are skyrocketing next month, so I’m gonna have to augment your rent to reflect that’ — right in my all-purpose living room/bedroom/kitchen space,” recalled Douli from his studio apartment. “Being on the receiving end of such an obvious lie is bad enough, but this was only like, an hour after my stimulus check cleared. Can she see my banking info? I’ve been here for three years, does she really think I’m dumb enough to fall for that shit? The day I move out, this place is going to be nothing but upper deckers.”

In Washington, Democratic lawmakers noticed the unusual timing of the pandemic stimulus checks and the nationwide rent increase, but insisted it’s nothing to be concerned about.

“We’re sure it’s a complete coincidence,” assured House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “All this fanfare about corruption and conspiracy is nothing more than treasonous nonsense propagated by Bernie Sanders and his Stalinist goons. Frankly, I want to applaud my Republican colleagues for not letting themselves get distracted by this so-called ‘super obvious theft that I should be ashamed of for ignoring.’”

Renters across the country hoped to take a stand against this blatant display of corruption, but plans have been postponed because there’s a new show on Netflix “everybody says you gotta watch.”

We Sat Down With Dire Straits So I’ll Have Something To Talk To My Dad About Before I Ask Him for Money

Posted on by Ryan Danley

It’s been a tough month. We found a mint first-press copy of Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” on eBay that we couldn’t pass up so we’re pretty short on cash for other essentials like rent. Looks like we gotta make that ugly phone call to dad for some money. The problem is we haven’t called our Dad in forever and we asked him for money the last time we talked. The trick is to make some small talk and establish a rapport before revealing that the phone call, much like our love, is very conditional. That’s why we sat down with dad’s favorite band, “Dire Straits” because maybe they’ll tell us something we can use to get dad’s guard down.

The Hard Times: Wow, it’s really great to sit down with the greatest southern rock band ever!
Dire Straits: We’re actually from London.

Oh, our bad. Dad usually prefers southern rock. London, huh? Okay, writing that down. This is great stuff! Have you ever heard The Smiths? They’re from Liverpool too, right?
Not all towns in England are the same town. And, yes, we’ve heard The Smiths.

Killer. What’s your favorite Smith’s song? We keep trying to get our dad into them but he’s not biting.
What magazine did you say you were from?

The one the Rolling Stones own. So, you have a new record out?
We were told this was for a lifetime achievement award.

Oh, it is. You’ve achieved making our Dad way happier than us. Believe us, that’s an achievement. That man is cold as fuck.
This is weird.

Look, just tell us what to say to our dad so he’ll pay our rent without bringing it up at Christmas.
That’s it, we’re leaving.

Okay, how about you help us out so we don’t remind everyone about the homophobic slur that’s peppered throughout your biggest hit, “Money For Nothing.” I’m sure Twitter will be real understanding.
Shit. Just tell him it’s an investment and when he looks at you puzzled, look him all teary-eyed and say, “I’m worth investing in? Aren’t I, pop?”

Damn. That might actually work. Thanks, you’re great at this!
We’re musicians. If we didn’t know how to ask a parent for money we’d have starved long before we ever made it.

Pearl Jam Fan Devastated to Find Out She’s Been Listening to Stone Temple Pilots This Whole Time

Posted on by Tim Nash

TOPEKA, Kan. — Self-proclaimed “world’s biggest Pearl Jam fan” Danica Young’s entire musical identity was stripped from her yesterday after discovering that her only CD was actually a mislabeled copy of Stone Temple Pilots’ greatest hits album “Thank You,” according to friends and family.

“My older cousin left [the CD] in his Camry when he sold it to me 15 years ago,” lamented a heartbroken Young between sobs. “It just said ‘Pearl Jam’ on it, and up until then, I only ever listened to rap, so I had no idea. I just thought it rocked pretty hard. Looking back, if I could change anything, I guess I wouldn’t have referred to this band as ‘The Jam’ every time I put it in, and would have resisted starting so many arguments praising their musical contribution over contemporaries ‘like that whiny-voice Nirvana shit.’”

Friends of Young reportedly ignored her mistake for years out of sympathy stemming from a breakup.

“The poor girl got dumped a week before she got the CD,” recalled Brian Winsome, Young’s best friend. “We used to drive around getting stoned and listening to what I later found out was ‘Trippin on a Hole in a Paper Heart,’ and definitely not ‘Black.’ It was truly all she had at that time in her life, and no one wanted to destroy those memories for her. Eventually, it just got out of hand.”

Winsome’s fierce commitment to protecting his friend was further challenged in the summer of 2018, when Young won two tickets to see Pearl Jam live at Wrigley Field.

“I was fully prepared to work both offense and defense for my friend that night,” explained Winsome. “We had a lot of close calls — like when I turned around for one second at the concession stand and she’s talking to some guy by the pretzel thing about how she hopes they play that ‘and I feel it’ song. Ultimately, we made it out unscathed… which I realize now was just a huge disservice to her, me, and Pearl Jam. And STP, for that matter.”

Young is allegedly beginning to make peace with the discovery, and reports show she’s looking forward to a new Stone Temple Pilots album.

Meat Loaf Didn’t Show up To Our Interview So We Spoke To the Strangest Looking Guy Inside This Long John Silver’s

Posted on by Brandon Kratkoczki

When it comes to rock music, you don’t get much more singular than Meat Loaf. His specific brand of hard-hitting, glamorous orchestral rock has led him to unfathomable success through multiple decades. I thought it’d be great to speak with him about his career and his unique place in music history.

Unfortunately, after 50 minutes of waiting for him to show up for this interview, I got a call from his publicist saying he wasn’t going to show up due to a prior engagement. So I did the next best thing: I walked into the nearest Long John Silver’s and spoke to the weirdest looking dude I could find.

At 72-years-old and sporting a bolo tie over his polo shirt with some dried Baja Sauce on his face to complete the look, Ernie Copeland made me uneasy in the way I believe Meat Loaf would have.

THE HARD TIMES: Mr. Copeland, thanks for filling in today, we really do appreciate it.

Ernie Copeland: Sure thing, son. Let’s try to keep this quick though, the guys from my neighborhood’s lawn care Facebook group are meeting here in 18 minutes to talk shop.

Right. To be honest, we had a bunch of questions written for Meat Loaf, so we’re going to see if you can shed some light on them. How have you maintained your singing voice through the decades?

Oh, come on now, do I look like a guy who’d sing? I didn’t even sing on my wedding night, even though Shirley really wanted me to. *takes big bite of whitefish* No disrespect to the fellas who make it work, but you’re out of your mind if you think I’m doing any singing.

How do you view the original Bat Out Of Hell album after all these years?

Son, I can’t say that’s an LP I’ve ever listened to, so I can’t help ya there. If you needed any pointers on the band Alabama’s discography, I could maybe be of assistance.

As the Rocky Horror Picture Show continues to have endearing popularity, what do you –

Now I’m just gonna stop you right there, I feel like you’re steering me into an uncomfortable position. I know what “me too” is and I’m pretty sure that’s what’s gonna happen to me if you print my thoughts on that “movie.”

Right. Well, maybe we can get what we want if we went a bit broader. Do you have any motorcycle stories?

Now you’re speaking my language! One time my son Tim pulled up in this beautiful Harley and he let me take it for a spin. I got on, yelled out “I’m the king of the road,” and went for about 300 feet before spilling onto my ass. But for those 300 feet were the best 300 feet of my entire life and I wasn’t really using that collar bone anyway.

What’s the angriest you’ve ever been made by a piece of musical theater?

Oh boy, you ever see that Cats show? Absolute misery. Shirley wanted us to go to be more cultured, but if that’s what cultured is, consider me a savage. Did you know they crawl all over the seats? Leave me alone man, I did not pay 50 dollars for some 27 year old to wag a tail in my face. Now South Pacific, that’s a show. I saw them do it at the high school back a couple years ago, and my granddaughter was the best damn chorus member there was. I yelled at the director at intermission for not giving her the lead role, so I didn’t get to see her during the second act, but I’m sure she was brilliant.

Sounds like you sure love your granddaughter. I bet you would do anything for her.

You bet I would.

Would you say you would. “Do anything for love”?

Yeah, I guess so.

No I mean like, would you say it? Those words?

What words?

“I would do anything for love.”

Uhm, okay. I would do anything for love.

But…

But what?

But you… won’t…

I won’t what?

Do… that?

Do what?! Son, you’re not making any god damned sense.

Ah, nevermind. This was a dumb idea. Well thanks for your time. You know what I’m kinda hungry, what’s good here?

Nothing.

New Roommates Flip Coin to Decide Who Is the Mommy, Daddy

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WILMINGTON, Del. — Roommates Manny Hernandez and Rob McCarty spent their first weekend together laying the ground rules for their new home, flipping a coin to decide who must be the daddy and who will be the mommy.

“Communication is key. So right away we decided how we’d handle utilities, protocol for if one of us brings a girl back, and, of course, which one of us will be mommy that handles all the cooking and cleaning, and which one will be the daddy that makes the money and plunges the toilet and stuff,” said Hernandez. “Believe it or not, this is the first time either of us have been away from our parents, so we’re trying to be real mature and fair by flipping a coin. I’m pissed I got ‘mommy’ — I can’t cook for shit and I look terrible in a housecoat — but I’ll make it work, for the good of the household.”

Mutual friend Aisha White was immediately confused by the roommate’s domestic agreement.

“I was excited to see Rob and Manny’s new place, but I was pretty freaked out by their….traditional living arrangement,” said White. “Manny had his hair in curlers and he told me he had a ‘meatloaf in the oven,’ but best I could tell it was just a bag of frozen Gardein fake meat balls dumped into a baking pan. Then Rob barges in the front door with a briefcase, muttering something about ‘Old Man Sorely at the plant busting his hump.’ But I know for a fact that Rob doesn’t have a job, because this afternoon at my place we played Madden for like, three hours before he napped on my couch.”

Although unusual, sociologist Arielle Gibbons believes this sort of cohabitation is common.

“Now more than ever, young adults are moving out without ever being taught valuable life skills by their parents. So, Gen Z has attempted to fill the void by employing whatever lessons they could from their true parent: television,” said Gibbons. “But while I admire their resiliency, I must stress that acting out the plots of ‘Family Matters’ episodes does not make you a grown-up.”

The new roommates are allegedly discussing retooling their living arrangement by either adding a zany next door neighbor, or pretending to be women and attending an all-girls college.

My Son’s Hazing Death Is a Tragic Reminder That He Was Never Kappa Sig Material

Posted on by Jonah Nink

My son’s hazing death was tragic and terrifying. No parent should ever have to bury their child. But was it surprising? Not at all. Let’s be honest; that kid was never Kappa Sig material to begin with.

When my son first expressed interest in joining the frat I was supportive… but reluctant. Becoming a Kappa Sig takes a certain kind of chutzpah. You need to be a real go-getter, which my son definitely was, but more in the sense that he would go get another helping of cheese fries if you know what I mean. I told him that he should look into joining the Mock Trial team or something but he kept going on about trying to “make me proud” or something.

All I’m saying is that the kid could barely throw a football, so was it really surprising that he couldn’t survive a blood alcohol level of 0.80?

I knew how gnarly those hazing rituals could be because I was a Kappa Sig myself. I remember a lot of alcohol coming in and out of more holes than I expected. But I’m better for it, permanent liver damage be damned! Sure Kappa Sig has been suspended a few times since I left college, but how could you pass up on those networking opportunities?

The real tragedy here is that my beloved frat is in yet another legal spat. It seems like every time we put last year’s hazing death behind us another pledge dies. They’re just kids for crying out loud! Let them have fun. Why should they be blamed for the deaths they caused? Besides, the university already said that they’re “implementing new policies” so, problem solved! Justice served. Now let’s just put this all behind us and let these kids enjoy themselves.

Losing my son has been hard on my family, especially when you consider how unnecessary his death truly was. He could have easily become a Kappa Sig if he would’ve just applied himself more. Thankfully the frat has helped us through this difficult time. They’ve even offered to help immortalize my son by helping me make a large donation in his name.