We Got Arrested and Used Our Only Phone Call To Interview Alien Ant Farm

Posted on by Ted Pillow

We’ve all been there: you’re out crushing $4 domestics at Dave & Buster’s with the boys and, after a few too many Miller High Life chug-offs, things get a little hazy. Next thing you know you’re waking up in a jail cell covered in vomit and ranch dressing and the dickhead officer that busted you for drunk and disorderly says you’re allowed one phone call.

Our founding fathers wrote the one phone call rule because they believed that American citizens were entitled to legal counsel OR might have scheduled an important interview with one of the best second wave Nu metal groups of all time and they wouldn’t want to miss it. They’re trumping up my charges and it looks like I may be in a lot of trouble here, but fuck it. It’s time to interview Alien Ant Farm!

The Hard Times: I’m so psyched! Alien Ant Farm, motherfucker!

AAF frontman Dryden Mitchell: Are you okay? Our interview was scheduled for like 5 hours ago and I hear a lot of yelling in the background about Miranda rights and bail.

I’m in jail, dude! I got totally belligerent at D&B’s and apparently I took a dump on one of the Daytona USA racing seats and passed out naked in the bowling alley. How epic is that?

Not epic at all. That sounds like some kind of pathetic cry for help.

Thanks! Well, let’s get to it because this guard is already giving me a pretty menacing glare. How did you come up with the lyrics to “Smooth Criminal,” anyway?

You know that’s a cover of one of Michael Jackson’s most famous songs, right? Hey, you really should hang up and use this call to contact a lawyer.

No worries, they’ll appoint one for me or some shit. Back in the day, when music was still awesome, you guys toured with some legendary bands. I gotta ask: what was it like playing with the greatest musicians of all time, Papa Roach?

We had a lot of fun, but I’d rather talk about our more rece-

[Puking] Sorry bro, this hangover is killing me. Oh shit, the guard is walking this way and he looks pissed, I think we’re about to get cut off…

Well, this was somehow still better than the time Tucker Max interviewed us for Maxim magazine.

Wow, that’s high praise. Nu metal for life! Long live Puddle of Mudd! [Line clicks]

Vegan Hides Bottles Of JUST Egg All Over Front Lawn

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Festive plant-based parent Taryn Jacobs delighted her three children on Easter Sunday by hiding bottles of JUST Egg throughout her co-housing community’s lawn.

“Just because we’re vegan doesn’t mean my children should miss out on an authentic Easter experience,” said Jacobs, placing a chilled bottle of the egg replacement liquid beneath a rock. “I told them the Easter bunny, who is free-range, left them tasty treats around our garden that have a 93% smaller carbon footprint than conventional animal products. They were so excited after I explained to them what that means!”

Jacobs says she also adapted other traditional holiday activities to suit her family’s lifestyle.

“My little sprouts absolutely love dyeing their cruelty-free Easter gourds I bought from the local farmers market,” she continued. “They look just like dyed eggs if you squint a little bit, and they’re biodegradable! Jesus certainly would have preferred that. They’re definitely not the easiest things to stuff with Yumearth Organic Gluten-Free Vegan Candies, but when you see your kids open up a package of stickers of baby chicks that say ‘I am not a nugget,’ you know the time it took was well worth it.”

Despite her best intentions, Jacobs’s neighbors are not thrilled with the homeowner’s festivities.

“Listen, I don’t judge what a person does in their own home, but she still has pumpkins out from last Halloween that she says are ‘composting’ but they just keep attracting raccoons,” said neighbor, Jeff Rosencranz. “And don’t even get me started on the ‘happycrowes’ she had set up outside around Thanksgiving — birds have been swarming for months and my wife is now completely terrified to leave the house.”

At press time, the kids were seen eagerly gathering their Easter JUST Eggs, a task they finished within one minute since the large yellow bottles are incredibly easy to spot and Jacobs could only afford to buy six of them.

Shipwrecks Down 300% After Sirens Get Really into Nu Metal

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ANTHEMOESSA — Shipwrecks across the world dropped after mythological Sirens that normally lure sailors to certain death with their beautiful songs, suddenly began singing Nu-Metal artists like Godsmack and Static-X, according to a report released by the World Shipping Council.

“The year was twenty-aught-one. I was bait man aboard a fifty feet longliner off the coast of the cursed island. The waves crashed all around us, when suddenly I heard what could only be described the most putrid sound imaginable as a female voice beckoned us to ‘break stuff’ before threatening to skin our asses raw,” said seasoned sailor Michael “Mackie” Keenan with tears in his eyes. “The crew strapped me to the mast as we course-corrected away from the disembodied howls of Jonathan Davis-esque scatting to keep me from plucking out my own eardrums. God help any man who goes near that place.”

While many within the siren community are said to be quite fond of the dulcet sounds of Kid Rock and Godsmack, fish-bird-woman monstrosity and tenor siren Teles is not a fan.

“I rue the day that Coal Chamber CD washed up on our shores. Look, I get it. We’ve been singing the same eerily beautiful songs and luring mariners to their deaths for thousands of years. But can’t we do better than Papa fucking Roach?” explained Teles. “At the very least, can we do something about the clothes? Jnco jeans were definitely not designed to handle this much moisture, and my chain wallet keeps getting caught on my scales. I’ve tried pitching some beatdown hardcore songs to the group but they aren’t interested.”

Despite the hearsay evidence, many are still skeptical of these stories, but cryptozoologist Dr. Zayden Howells explains that it is all too real.

“While the so-called experts offered no concrete reason for the drop in maritime deaths, many sailors have told me confidentially that it’s because of the Sirens’ genre change,” Dr. Howells said. “Rather than lull sailors to sleep and send them to their doom, sirens are now driving sailors away from jagged rocks with cries of ‘ooh wah ah ah ah’ and the sight of unseemly red baseball caps.”

While the siren’s conversion to Nu-Metal fandom is unusual it’s not uncommon. Recently, several witnesses have claimed Bigfoot is a Juggalo after finding a hatchetman necklace alongside some oversized footprints in Northern California.

Nike Suing Lil Nas X For Claiming Their Shoes Only Contain One Drop of Human Blood

Posted on by John Dixon

LOS ANGELES — Nike announced today they will be suing Lil Nas X and art collective MSCHF for saying their “Satan Shoes” based on Nike Air Max 97s only contain one drop of human blood.

“The accusation that any Nike shoe only contains a single drop of human blood is baseless and false,” said Chad Barrow, Nike’s legal counsel. “Absolute gallons of human blood and suffering go into each pair of Nike sneakers and any implication to the contrary is to belittle the children who shed their blood, sweat, and tears for each limited-edition sneaker drop.”

Brent Wood, a representative for MSCHF, acknowledged the mistake in the company’s marketing.

“I mean, I should have known that saying there was exactly one drop of blood in the shoes was probably underselling it, this is Nike we are talking about after all,” Wood said. “You don’t name a company after the goddess of victory without being willing to shed some serious blood. Honestly, we aren’t really that worried about it. Really, we’re more worried about people dying trying to replicate the blood-laced sole themselves to produce bootlegs.”

Lil Nas X expressed indifference and disconcert when faced with the looming threat of legal action by Nike.

“Let them come at me, they’ll regret it before the case ever goes by a judge because I’ll have already destroyed them in the court of public opinion,” said the 21-year-old artist. “Worst case scenario, I’ll just spin it as one EXTRA drop of blood, you know, in addition to the absolute buckets of hemoglobin already present in your standard sneaker.”

At press time, Nike’s counsel was attempting to serve Lil Nas X with papers but could not catch up with him as he rotated rapidly around a stripper pole.

Lil Nas X photo by MSCHF.

If Hitchcock’s Movies Aren’t Great Then Why Am I Justifying His Sexual Assaults?

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

I’m a declared cinema expert and Hitchcock lover. Because of my high standards, never in my life would a shitty filmmaker get away with committing sexual assault. That’s just how good of a director the Master of Suspense is.

Yesterday I was talking to one of my fellow film buffs only to have her tell me that she wasn’t a Hitchcock head. She even had the nerve to say that his plots were too reliant on twists and MacGuffin devices.

Some may agree, but one thing remains: If Hitchcock’s films really are as overrated as she claims, then surely I wouldn’t keep defending his creepy personal life.

I condemn sexual assaults but I do try to make sure that they aren’t good artists first. Once a man knocked on my door telling me he was registered sex offender. I handed him my camera and said I needed him to film a movie. When he gave me some uninspired student-level work later that week, I knew for sure his sexual offenses must be judged.

Don’t take things the wrong way, I’m progressive. If Adam Sandler were to ever have accusations come out, I’ll be the first to bring it up at parties.

But have you seen North by Northwest? Rear Window? Strangers On A Train? Remember that iconic attic scene in The Birds? It’s so good its worth Tippi Hedren getting attacked by real birds, some of them tied to her for five days straight until she was hospitalized for a one minute scene where you barely see her face. Cinematic genius!

Maybe Marnie was not a good enough film to look past the fact that he built a secret doorway from his office to Tippi Hedren’s dressing room to assault her. At the same time though Hitchcock had the makeup department make a realistic mold of Tippi’s face for him to keep in his office which is an example of a truly creative creep. Nor would a regular auteur make a realistic doll of Tippi Hedren inside a coffin and give it to her daughter. That takes talent.

Local Band Sets Up Merch Table Outside Mass Vaccination Site

Posted on by Alice Lahoda

LOS ANGELES — Local band Effigy at the Madhouse Tabernacle were spotted manning their merch table outside one of Dodger Stadium’s mass vaccination entrances this week, perplexed Southern California residents reported.

“At first I thought they were employees, because they kept saying, ‘Thanks for coming out’ to people exiting the stadium,” reported Franco García, a chef who received his first vaccination on Monday. “But when they offered to sign my vaccine card, that’s when I knew they weren’t affiliated with the site in any way. Last I saw on my way out, a few of them were walking up and down the line handing out printed QR codes to their Bandcamp.”

Multiple witnesses complained that the band’s unfortunate signage and merch design were even more off-putting than their odd behavior.

“They were sitting underneath a sign with ‘E.M.T.’ painted in huge letters. I guess it stood for their band’s name, but I don’t think the people approaching their table for medical attention knew that,” said Candice Blais, who was vaccinated at the site last Friday. “But the real problem was the design on every piece of merch: a syringe with a red crossed-out circle over it. I can recognize a straightedge band a mile away from my DIY days, but some people in line mistook them for anti-vaxx protesters. A fight almost broke out before security intervened.”

Band members defended their decision to set up shop outside of the stadium, which they were removed from by force by stadium officials.

“We’re used to the occasional scuffle with venue security, so that didn’t phase us. This isn’t over,” Effigy at the Madhouse Tabernacle frontman Cliff Eaton assured their 57 fans on social media. “There’s no way we’re giving up such a high traffic spot that easily, which I think was pretty obvious from our refusal to back down. But a three-person wall of death is just not enough. COVID really knocked the scene values right outta this crowd.”

At press time, San Fernando Valley residents spotted the band in their drummer’s garage, peeling the red circle-backslash symbol decal off their merch.

Cannabis Reform! The Ghostbusters Are Releasing All the Ghosts They Locked Up for Weed

Posted on by Ted Pillow

In a landmark victory for noncorporeal cannabis reform, the Ghostbusters announced via their tax lawyer Louis Tulley that they are releasing hundreds of ghosts they’ve captured over the years for marijuana possession.

“This is a long time coming,” explained Ghostbuster Ray Stantz. “More and more states are legalizing pot and the cannabis industry is absolutely booming. Plus, we usually focus on malevolent spirits and vengeful deities that pose a real threat to society. Bustin’ these harmless ghosts didn’t make us feel good.”

Stantz went on to explain that most of these arrests occurred during the height of the War on Drugs and that “dickless Mayor Giuliani told us he’d have our asses committed if we didn’t help clean up Times Square.”

Many previously confined ghosts, including Slimer, a class 5 full-roaming vapor captured by the Ghostbusters in 1984, have already been freed as part of the new policy.

“Honestly, I was stoned out of my fucking mind when the Ghostbusters caught me,” said the ghoul also known as Onionhead. “I’m thrilled to be out, but I completely changed in my 36 years in the containment unit. I got sober, stopped eating hot dogs and started hitting the gym, and even converted to Islam. Now I’m so jacked people barely recognize me. My plan for afterlife after confinement is to become one of those motivational speakers who does school assemblies. I’ll travel the country warning kids against the dangers of smoking dank ass weed and eating off people’s room service carts in fancy NYC hotels.”

Policy experts are praising the mass release as a step in the right direction.

“Many of these ghosts have spent decades in a mysterious, environmentally unsound storage facility in the basement of an old fire station,” noted cannabis activist Janet Williamson. “They deserved to be released and I’m glad they are finally being given their freedom. Now, if only we could get our nation’s penal system to treat American citizens with the same dignity that the Ghostbusters show towards non-violent ectoplasmic manifestations.”

However, while the move has been praised by many, the city is still unsure what to do with the glut of recently released ghost, including the 112 feet tall Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, who recently blocked all foot Traffic in Washington Square park while listening to Grateful Dead bootlegs and playing frisbee.

Gym Refuses to Terminate Membership Until You’re Completely Out of Money

Posted on by Kevin Tit

WHEATON, Md. — The local branch of the BodySmith Fitness franchise is refusing to terminate your gym membership until you have zero dollars remaining in your name, multiple impoverished former members confirm.

“Legally we aren’t doing anything wrong, so I don’t know what the big deal is,” grunted franchise owner Stuart Moans. “It says right there in the middle on the 26th page of the membership agreement: ‘Your membership can not be terminated until you can either no longer pay, or come find me and try to kick my ass.’ It’s clear as day. They all signed the document. As much as I’d like to help, there’s nothing I can really do. My hands are tied.”

Some former members feel as if they had been deliberately taken advantage of by the gym and its staff.

“I hadn’t been there in months. I had no idea they were still charging me,” said former member and local bridge dweller Shane Michaels. “I got the membership back in 2016 as a New Year’s resolution to get healthy. I kind of stopped going after I tweaked my ankle, and gave up trying to cancel after they kept hanging up on me and their website kept crashing just before I’d hit the ‘submit cancellation’ button. I sort of just thought I could cancel my credit card, but they somehow had access to my new one. I lost my house, my family, everything… but at least now I can rest easy knowing I’m not spending $49.99 per month on nothing.”

Legal experts say this is a common practice within big gym culture.

“Corporate chain, local chain, private gyms — they all do it,” Bodysmith private attorney Mya Hill explained. “It’s a part of the culture: 90% of gyms around the world are relying on people to just kind of forget they have memberships; it’s no different than that free year of Amazon Prime everyone forgets the expiration for. We train our employees here to deflect cancellation inquiries, which always ensures the gym looks empty and appealing without actually losing any of the revenue.”

At press time, Moans was smoking a cigar on his boat and flipping off the angry mob he narrowly escaped.

Opinion: Please Stop Rummaging Through the Little House I Built for My Books

Posted on by Tom Peters

Suburbs have always existed in a symbiotic relationship to their neighboring cities. And in turn, suburbanites exist in symbiotic relation to their neighbors. If you need a cup of sugar or a postage stamp, you know exactly where to turn. However, in the microcosm of communal stewardship that is our cul de sac, it is nevertheless imperative that we establish boundaries. It is in spirit of this that I make the following humble request:

Please stop rummaging through the little house I built for my books to live inside of.

I understand full well the allure of my book collection; the constant urge to run your fingers over the spines, pausing to withdraw a volume and fan out its moldy pages, breathing in ecstasy—this is why I had to give them their own outdoor home, away from my wandering eye. But you must understand that my books are not for sale.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you think my precious tomes were available to you free of charge? I suppose you assume the dog in my doghouse is yours for the taking as well. Will you at least spare the family of chickadees who have taken up residence in the birdhouse? The eggs will hatch soon if you should deign them worthy of living.

I’m afraid I must take partial responsibility for leading you on by displaying my sun-bleached treasures within arm’s reach of the sidewalk. But it was of the utmost importance that I install my tiny Atheneum at the farthest outpost of my estate. This way when I burst naked from the house in one of my fits, there is ample time for the cool night air to bring me to my senses before I crumple to the ground, writhing in shame on the wet grass, my books perched soundly in their grange, safe from defilement.

I would also ask that you refrain from making any deposits in my biblio-hutch. My collection is meticulously curated and there is a very limited amount of space. If I need a copy of Twilight: Eclipse, I’ll come root around in your home for it, since that is apparently the precedent we have set.

I trust this finds you well, and I do hope you will consider my previous offer of spousal swapping.

Good day.

Zillow’s Punk Setting Splits Mortgage Six Ways

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

SEATTLE — Real estate giant Zillow announced a new “punk” setting today for users that will allow potential home buyers to split the mortgage between six or more people.

“Our new settings will save punks the stress of doing complicated math on greasy pizza boxes at the end of every month by individually texting each co-owner what their share of the mortgage is, when it’s due, and how to pay it,” said VP of Marketing and Analytics Jessica Paczynski. “We’re trying to make homeownership a possibility for everyone — especially highly temperamental artists and creative types with a tendency to implode every time they experience interpersonal conflict.”

A notable spike in 5-star ratings of the Zillow app on Google Play, the App Store, Pitchfork, and LambGoat proves that the scene is satisfied with the new features.

“This app has revolutionized cohabitating in my late 20s. I’m really starting to feel the pride that comes with 1/6th homeownership,” remarked solo artist, bartender, and co-owner of 5931 Primrose Ave. Scott Huffman. “The convenience of Zillow’s app helped me invest in an asset that will grow my portfolio until I split the equity five ways and we all decide to move to another city and start over. In the meantime, it’s fun pretending we’ll do anything other than depreciate the overall value of the home.”

Local real estate agent Vicki Ziegler believes that both the underground scene and mainstream real estate professionals will benefit from the update.

“This setting has made my job so much easier, because it also shows punk house hunters which properties have decent basements for throwing shows and closets or dining rooms that could reasonably be turned into bedrooms,” Ziegler said while stuffing her card into used vinyl at Sonic Boom Records. “I’m sick of trying to guess whether or not your buddy Zeke from Phoenix can live in the pantry before we do a walkthrough. That said, punks will literally buy any home in any condition in any neighborhood. The commissions aren’t great, but they’re reliable, ya know?”

Other changes introduced with the app’s update include scripts to read when you call your stepdad to borrow money, and tips on how to paint your walls black without drawing the eye away from your Misfits tapestry.