Eve 6 Fights Classification as One Tweet Wonder

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

LOS ANGELES — Late 90s radio staples and current Twitter influencers Eve 6 are defending their text-based social media output today amid outcry that the account has only really posted one good tweet, timeline-refreshing sources reported.

“Idc if u like the band or not but u cant deny that we have more than 1 gud tweet n even if we didnt the acct is still brand new so m.fuckers think we r not still growing as a social media brand,” tweeted Eve 6 lead vocalist Max Collins in response to detractors. “It takes time 2 find ur voice in art and though i admit the tool tweet was fuckn gold we arent sayin were the best at it like were not better then ezra. Keep ur eyes on us u will see the s,ame primo content u get from train and cake. fuck u.”

Twitter users argue that, while the band’s social media presence has been amusing in recent months, they aren’t sure that they have the lasting power of an established social media account.

“I’ll grant that asking Tool if they liked the heart in a blender song was maybe the funniest thing that’s been done since the last Bloodhound Gang video,” said Twitter user Felicia Briggs. “But bands like Trapt and Hinder are easy targets and the rest of their tweets just don’t have the stick-in-your-head-for-the-entire-summer-before-junior-year catchiness of that first shiny burst of self-aware retro irony. It’s a shame, I really thought they’d be an enthusiastic follow for years and years.”

The chatter online has now caught the attention of Twitter executives, leading co-founder and CEO Jack Dorsey to promise to protect users from the hazards of following a flash-in-the-pan account.

“We’re going to be introducing a new AI to the platform, which will detect accounts with single-tweet viral activity and send their personal information right to my phone so I can give them a good once over,” said Dorsey from his hollowed-out volcano. “There won’t be any Dexy Midnights running this platform. It’s a danger to society and national security to allow everyday people to be exposed to an account that gives you one hilarious banger and doesn’t keep delivering the goods. Not gonna happen, not on my watch. You’re welcome.”

At press time, Eve 6 were crafting a perfect takedown of Darius Rucker as Jack Dorsey banned a pro-Refugee account for mentioning guns.

I’m All for Feminism in This Scene as Long as These Bitches Realize I’m the Alpha

Posted on by Caroline Smith

Hey gals. Super huge feminist here. A giant feminist. A gargantuan one even. I believe I should have the same opportunities as the men in this scene. And as long as you remember to stay the fuck out of my way and stop trying to steal my thunder, I want all you little scene girls to have those same opportunities too. Thunder is my boyfriend, by the way, and don’t pretend you didn’t know that when you let him hit on you. More importantly, we need feminism in this scene. More-more importantly though, we need to recognize that I am the alpha and anyone who challenges my dominance will have their throat bitten out.

Now, most people think of feminism as making sure that women should be paid the same as men, and I say “Hell yeah, sister!” to all of that. I deserve to be paid two drink tickets just like all the guys that play in the bars around here. But it’s also important that ALL women in this scene get the same. That way, when I bully them into giving me those drink tickets, there will be enough for me and Thunder.

I’m also one hell of a guitarist in my band, The Lizzy Stantons, and can shred just as well as any dude while I’m in a miniskirt or jeans. Speaking of jeans, Kaitlin is about two outfits away from an ass-whooping if she doesn’t stop copying my unique signature look of black skinny jeans and Doc Martens. Somebody should tell her to wear more white because clearly she is a sheep. Baaa baaa, Kaitlin. Baaa baaa.

Sure, I don’t really like talking to other women. Not because I don’t like them or am paranoid that they are trying to push me down the stairs and take my place as the singer and lead guitarist of The Lizzy Stantons. I would love to work with more women in the name of sisterhood but they always just seem so jealous of me. They can’t seem to accept that I’m the alpha and they are just yappy little betas that can barely bag a bassist.

First and foremost, I am a feminist. I make sure my duets, short films, and other media that I create pass the Bechdel test. I also like to be sure that all of my conversations pass it as well. That’s why I avoid talking to other women entirely so they can’t tell me about some lame dude they have a crush on.

Next month I’m hoping to get some volunteers to help me mail ru486 pills to women’s health clinics in poor rural areas. I’m just such a bleeding heart feminist that I love helping out other women as much as possible. Specifically, women in places far away from me that I don’t even have to interact with or who have a chance to make eye contact with my boyfriend, Thunder.

Stand-Up Comedian Ex Somehow Worse Than Musician Ex

Posted on by Erin McLaughlin

RALEIGH, N.C. — Local woman Anne Al-Mandeel discovered last week that, in a whirlwind twist, her stand-up comedian ex-boyfriend is somehow worse than her musician ex, shocked sources confirm.

“I didn’t think it could get any worse than when my ex sang a song about another girl while using my guitar,” said Al-Mandeel, who despite listening to the song “No Scrubs” no less than 2,000 times is still dumbfounded by her taste in men. “But then my most recent partner made me sit through 10 different versions of his, ‘So what’s the deal with bird seed?’ joke for five hours. That’s when I realized that everything always has the potential to be much, much worse, and that drink tickets aren’t so bad compared to having to pay to see him bomb for five minutes straight.”

Al-Mandeel’s best friend Kimmi Niski wasn’t surprised when Al-Mandeel went for a stand-up comedian after a string of guitarist-synth players led to equal parts disappointment, gaslighting, and embarrassment.

“It just seemed like the logical next step that she’d date a 34-year-old guy who still lives with his parents and does the same set at his hometown open-mics every night,” said Niski. “Every time I try to set her up with a guy who actually has a job and doesn’t have mommy issues, she shrugs him off as being ‘too nice’ and ‘kind of boring.’ I just hope that next time she’ll swing to the other end of horrible and date a guy in finance — sure, she’ll be swimming in a sea of pink shorts and Patagonia vests, but at least he wouldn’t be asking her for cigarette money every night.”

For his part, Noah Bell — Al-Mandeel’s most recent and stand-up comic ex — disagrees with her claims that he was worse than her musician ex.

“I bet that guy couldn’t make her laugh so hard at his jokes that she has to get up and leave the room for up to an hour at a time,” Bell stated. “Honestly, she overreacted when I drank the entire bottle of wine I bought for her on her birthday — it’s not my fault she didn’t understand that it was clearly for us to share. I thought my ceramics ex was bad, but she was nothing compared to that short-form fiction writer shit.”

Friends report Al-Mandeel is hoping that the comedy writer/bassist she’s talking to will, at most, only call her a bitch once.

We Revisit Our Grandmother Because Mom’s Been up Our Ass About It

Posted on by Noah Leavy

Some are born with purpose. Others receive a “call to the wild” of sorts. A figurative beacon sent specifically to lead them toward finding purpose. Well, we finally got ours, except that it was more of a literal call from Mom reminding us to see our Grandmother now that she’s vaccinated. Inspired by this once-in-a-lifetime revelation, we decided to heed our call and visit grandma because this will probably get mom off our backs until it gets too cold for old people to hang out anyway.

Our grandmother’s been a major influence on us forever. While it’s unclear how her work will hold up in today’s contentious political climate, Grandma’s influence goes beyond the simple appeal of current tastes, which did pique our interest when we found out we had to check her out again. While we haven’t heard much of her since a global pandemic upended the world and her grandmothering career last March, we were excited to be guilted into revisiting our grandmother.

At first glance, our grandmother presents as a standard nurturing presence. Tinged with some downtempo elements that were ahead of her time, yet seemingly unable to process the tension in our modern world. “It’s so great to see you,” and “Would you like anything to eat? You look so skinny!” were well-received instant classics, but failed to make a meaningful statement upon revisiting now that we’re somewhere between 18 and 35.

It’s damn near impossible to talk Grandma without mentioning hugs or pie. These are the hits and she knows it. A hug from Grandma is like being enveloped in a warm blanket of self-esteem. A comforting presence that says “You are loved” and “Anyone who dumped you is an idiot.” Meanwhile, a pie from grandma is technically classified as a pain medication. Sugary, inviting, and intoxicating. It doesn’t make a statement about the impending climate apocalypse or the “Age of Pandemics,” and that’s because it doesn’t need to. It exists in a world without these problems—or any problems—and briefly takes you to that world before being ripped back into reality. I’d imagine it feels as surreal as when our parents watched grandma spoil us after having raised them with a belt for a co-parent.

Now for the elephant in the room. We wanted to get through this without having to tell you that grandma has indefensible, retrograde views on racial politics but it’s important we acknowledge our influences regardless of the aspects that didn’t age well. Much like John Lydon, we’re not surprised she feels this way. We just thought she had the self-awareness to keep it to herself.

Overall, our grandmother is a culinarily-gifted, selectively-caring, racist whose body of work is stuck between two eras. It’s difficult to imagine her gaining new fans at this point but it’s impossible to ask her to change without risking a heart attack. We give her a 10/10 for the pie-hug opener alone.

Yamaha Unveils New Korn Signature Edition 89-Key Piano

Posted on by Tom Peters

BUENA PARK, Calif. — Popular instrument manufacturer Yamaha announced a partnership yesterday with flagship nü-metal band Korn to produce a signature model 89-key piano, excited sources confirmed.

“I just wasn’t getting what I wanted from a standard 88-key grand piano,” said Korn guitarist Munky. “As an artist, I need to be free to explore my creativity with no limitations. That’s why we’re stoked to bring you our own custom piano with one extra key. Imagine what kind of twisted concertos Mozart could’ve come up with if his piano had one extra string that was so loose it practically dragged the ground. Well, now you don’t have to, thanks to us.”

“The folks at Yamaha were super amazing about accommodating all of our mad scientist ideas — like tuning down a whole step, and blacklight keys,” Munky added. “When Fieldy suggested throwing in some loose BBs to rattle around on the soundboard, everyone in the room was like, ‘Whoa, that sounds like fucking shit.’ And I knew our job was done.”

A Yamaha representative spoke to the challenges of tailoring a new instrument to Korn’s established, iconic sound.

“Their only requirement was the extra key,” said Yamaha chief engineer Osamu Otsubo. “They don’t care that the key serves no purpose other than creating a low, sputtering rumble sound. It turns out that’s their thing, I guess. It may seem like an odd move releasing a nü-metal piano in 2021, but these guys are still huge in Europe, and it’s really not that costly to plunk an extra key into one of our defective units. Only half of the keys need to pass quality inspection — it’s a safe bet these bad boys won’t see any action east of middle C.”

Fans on the popular message board kornspace.com are excited to finally be able to accurately adapt their favorite songs to a new instrument.

“I’ve been uploading my own piano covers of Korn songs for years, but so far none of them have sounded like an old motorcycle farting. Well, all that’s about to change,” said famous YouTuber vkgoeswild. “I’m pre-ordering the deluxe model that comes with a mini bagpipe that is guaranteed to piss off my parents so bad they fucking move out and I can finally have the house to myself.”

The piano is expected to retail for $420, and the first 1,000 units sold will come with a voucher for a free eyebrow piercing at any participating body modification studio.

Runner on Midnight Jog in Midwest Town with No Streetlights Picked Wrong Time to Start Listening to “My Favorite Murder”

Posted on by Heather Cook

JACKTOWN, Mich. – Local runner Mason Clement became increasingly fearful for their safety last night while listening to the podcast “My Favorite Murder” for the first time on a midnight jog in a desolate ghost town.

“Shit, I’m definitely going to be murdered tonight,” said Clement as they picked up their pace. “All of my ‘murderino’ friends have been telling me I have to listen to this podcast because of the hilarious hosts, but they didn’t warn me that it’s actually terrifying: this hometown minisode I’m listening to is about someone who was brutally bludgeoned to death by a psychopath while they were on a night run. I just wanted something fun to listen to while I pass the time jogging by these abandoned buildings and dilapidated butcher shops. At least I have Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark to keep me company until my imminent demise.”

Witnesses allegedly spotted Clement taking an accidental detour through a deteriorating graveyard.

“When I saw someone running through the cemetery, I assumed it’s because they were being chased by our local serial killer, who everyone definitely knows about,” said Earl Stevenson, groundskeeper of the Jacktown Cemetery. “This place is so haunted that if a person doesn’t murder that runner, one of the ghosts definitely will. Hey, maybe they’ll end up being featured on that podcast thing all the freaks are talking about! I’ve always wanted this creep show of a town to get the notoriety it deserves.”

Local murderer Roy Andrews offered his perspective from behind a row of human-sized hedges a few houses down the street.

“Is it really a shock to anyone that I’ve been following them this whole time?” asked Andrews, Jacktown’s reputable cannibal murderer who was reportedly “just an average kid with real nice parents” growing up. “I’d love to boil that runner in butter and eat their garlic-glazed flesh, but I’m going to cut myself some slack tonight — if this person has the guts to go trekking alone through a place scarier than Crystal Lake, then I’m going to assume they leave all their doors unlocked. I’ll get them eventually.”

Clement reportedly made it home safely, but after getting snug in bed with their windows left open, they realized they picked the wrong time to watch the movie “The Strangers.”

Beyond Helter Skelter: 5 Other Beatles Songs Charles Manson Thought Were About an Impending Race War

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

All-around scalawag and well-known forehead swastika enthusiast Charles Manson was famous for many things. But he’s perhaps best known for his belief that the proto-metal Beatles’ hit “Helter Skelter” was a call for a violent race war. But that’s not the only song Manson believed the lovable lads from Liverpool wrote about racially motivated murder.

Here’s 5 other Beatles’ songs ole’ Charlie may have read into a little too deeply.

“Yesterday”

While “Yesterday” could drive even the most sound-minded among us to dream of murder, Chuck Manson took it a step too far. Manson had it in his head that “the troubles” Macca was referring to were people of all races coming together and inflicting unspeakable carnage on one another. For instance, consider Manson’s interpretation of “I’m not half the man I used to be” to be from the perspective of a Mexican man bisected by a gang of vicious Polynesians.

“Octopus’s Garden”

According to former Manson family member “Tex” Watson, “Daddy Chuck” believed that once the race war began, the family would be safest in an octopus’s garden playing giant clams like bongos. His plan was to create the greatest underwater band of all time, wait for people of color to overthrow their white oppressors, and then win them over with a whimsical music number.

Interestingly, the producers of Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” stated that Manson’s colorful interpretation was the basis for their film’s cheery “Under the Sea” segment, as well as the films overall sexual undertones.

“Rocky Raccoon”

Manson apparently conceived a children’s show based on this song in an effort to recruit more children to his cause. The show would have centered on a plucky little Rocky Raccoon caterwauling around an old west town, getting cuckolded by his whore opossum wife, and then being shot in his fuzzy raccoon belly. The family even work-shopped a pilot they intended to sell to Marty Krofft, but lost funding after several animal corpses-turned-puppets rotted in the desert sun.

While the pilot was never officially released it has maintained an underground following. Actor Bradley Cooper has claimed in several interviews that his performance of Rocket Racoon was “essentially an homage to Manson’s vision.”

“I Wanna Hold Your Hand”

While Manson got the other songs wrong, he was right on the money with this one. Believe it or not, Paul McCartney confirmed in 2011 that “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” is about a race war. In this case, the “hand” McCartney and Lennon wanted to hold was a metaphor for racial disharmony, and as you could probably guess, the “feeling” they can’t hide was that a horrifying race war was imminent.

“Hey Hey We’re The Monkees”

Manson really screwed the pooch on this one. For starters, he thought that this was a Beatles song. Secondly, he believed that the lyrics were written as a commentary on the tendency for people of opposing races to view one another as less evolved and therefore less entitled to human rights. Even when, years later, a friend showed him an episode of “The Monkees” and meticulously explained that the song existed only to introduce the concept of The Monkees to television audiences Manson simply scoffed and said “That’s what the man want’s you to think, man!”

Sound Guy’s Ponytail Used to Tour With Sabbath

Posted on by Andres Parada

TUCSON, Ariz. — A local sound guy’s ponytail bragged yesterday that it used to tour with the legendary metal band Black Sabbath during a recording session at Congo Studios, according to impressed sources.

“I started rambling about my salad days, and this young band was just in awe,” the four-inch-long ponytail stated. “They couldn’t believe it, but it’s true. I was fuckin’ there, man. Not as a musician, but still: I saw the guitars get tuned, slept in the van, and some of my hairs even fell out in the same shower stall Ozzy’s roadie used. I was essential. As a matter of fact, when they were naming the band they almost called it Braid Sabbath. Swear to fucking God.”

Karima White, a young singer/songwriter who was recording her first full-length album, was amazed to hear the ponytail’s meandering story.

“I mean, it’s not every day you get to meet a literal legend who was actually a part of the industry,” White said. “He talked at me for hours and showed me personal text messages from old metal dudes I’ve never heard of. He even showed me an old pic of himself from 1986, when he was more blonde. It was incredible.”

“He says that if I play my cards right, one day my bush could tour with Bush,” White added, “which honestly sounds like a fairy tale.”

Former Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne confirmed that the ponytail did in fact tour with them.

“That ponytail is an unsung hero, really. Not everyone can be famous, but sometimes you must ask yourself, ‘Why not them?’ The world is a cruel mistress like that,” said Osbourne to a translator. “You know that story about me biting off the head of a bat? Rubbish. The real story is that I bit into that ponytail. Tasted like cigarettes, Rogaine, and future stepdad. It put my name on the map.”

Although the sound guy’s ponytail is still being celebrated as a local celebrity, sources were unable to remember the actual name of the sound guy.

Resurrected Christ Distances Himself From Republican Party

Posted on by Jack Bravstein

WASHINGTON — God’s only begotten son Jesus Christ is actively distancing himself and his constituents from Republicans across the globe upon his return to Earth this afternoon.

“I gave up my flesh and blood for the good of humanity,” Christ said while burning T-shirts depicting Donald Trump with a machine gun. “But this is not how I intended it to go. Did they even read the damn manual? I don’t know how they came up with all this superior race shit. Of course, the main goal is sharing the truth of God’s glory, but it doesn’t mean we should firebomb you for believing in Allah… he’s my father’s fishing buddy for my sake. I think of him as basically my uncle.”

Republican senator and human embarrassment Ted Cruz are skeptical of the son of God’s legitimacy and his timing with the latest predictions from Q.

“With all the lasers the Jews are sending down from space, there’s no way some liberal propaganda gamma rays didn’t end up scorching through heaven and brainwashing our savior,” Cruz said, before quickly stuffing documents into a paper shredder. “Q even said he was coming three days from now, so if you want to question that prediction, that’s fine by me. Jesus will not be merciful to those that doubt his overwhelming wrath and authority over sinners and degenerates… also the Jews, he hates them.”

When reached for comment, God recalled countless instances where this only son’s name and image had been used inappropriately.

“I’ve known Jesus my whole life, and let me tell you, he can’t stand it when people take his words out of context,” the almighty said while nibbling on a chocolate egg. “To see him have to go down here and do damage control on a near-daily basis is just sad. Just a few months ago we were having a great game of dice with Little Richard up here when Trump started to spout off what Jesus would do. Jesus started cussing so bad I had to wash his mouth out with soap. And on a Sunday, for fuck’s sake.”

At press time, the son of God was waiting at a laundromat for his robes to dry after being hit with a firehose for giving a speech to the RNC to support racial equality.