Fortune Announces “Misfortune 500,” Highlighting Biggest Fucking Losers of Capitalism

Posted on by Caitlin Chung

NEW YORK — Fortune magazine released the first-ever Misfortune 500 list last week, citing a need to highlight the “fucking losers of capitalism foolish enough to be born without a trust fund.”

“Each year we pour countless hours into our Fortune 500 list of the country’s top companies, and while certainly aspirational to some, we felt that the list wasn’t exactly relatable to the masses,” said Fortune Magazine editor in chief Clifton Leaf. “That’s when we just took one look at the state of affairs in this country and came up with the loser list, which frankly was the easiest work any of us have ever done. We were able to whip this bad boy up in about 45 minutes, and still had to scrap a good 3,000 pages worth of names. I wasn’t even able to get my personal driver in there, but I’m confident he’ll still qualify for the running next year.”

Those who previewed the list before release were skeptical it could have possibly included so many people.

“I don’t get it. It’s really not as hard as people make it out to be to avoid being listed,” said Jacob Clemonte III, a second-generation investment banker. “Stay in school — preferably boarding, invest some disposable income monthly, and inherit a house in a neighborhood with high property values and a poorly concealed racist past. You’ll be well on your way to a middle-class life, as I’ve done.”

The Misfortune 500 list also contained an international section, with many of those profiled following a similar path to being featured among the lists disrespected unnotables.

“It’s nice to be included here, and I can credit my placement to doing just a few things regularly,” said Diego Chavarría, a factory worker from Mexico. “My constant worry about being evicted while telling my children that everything is fine definitely got me noticed, and using what money I do have to pay for my oldest to go to private school because I see how neglected our district school probably pushed me to the top of the lowest. I’d rather be on the list of people consulted when negotiating trade deals, but we all know that will never happen, so I’m just unhappy to be here.”

At press time, Fortune Magazine is preparing a longer Misfortune 5,000,000 list after reading one article about redlining.

The Definitive Ranking of Every Brick Wall the Ramones Stood in Front Of

Posted on by Bobby Korec

The Ramones have one of the most iconic looks in punk. Not only did they spend a majority of their time looking as punk as possible in coordinated leather jackets and tight T-shirts, sometimes showing off a belly button, but they were also frequently seen in the most punk position of all. Standing in front of an especially haggard brick wall.

It’s clear that each of the brick walls the Ramones posed in front of hold their own unique significance that helped mold the bands’ sound and, thus, the sound of punk itself. Here’s our definitive ranking of every brick wall the Ramones ever stood in front of.

Rocket to Russia (1977) – The brick wall in this album cover was evidently located in the back of CBGB, which as we all know is the infamous bar and grill located at Newark Liberty International Airport where we assume the band frequently dined. Anyway, they must keep the wall well-hidden because we couldn’t spot it anywhere when we went for lunch. That said, their “Sex Pasta” was Sid delicious.

Hey! Ho! Let’s Go: The Anthology (1999) – The wall shown on this compilation album is a departure from their previous studio album wall backgrounds. It looks like it might be a part of a school, prison, or maybe even a living room with exposed brick in a yuppie Brooklyn apartment. But don’t let that fool you. This wall fucking rips just as much as the studio album brick walls.

End of the Century (1980) – Sure, to the naked eye, the “End of the Century” album cover appears to be a simple red background with a shot of the band looking forlorn as hell in the foreground. But did you know that the red backdrop is actually one humongous brick among a wall made of other giant bricks? The band actually pumped more money into creating this custom wall than they did on the actual album recording. It shows.

Ramones (1976) – The band’s first album cover is considered one of the most important and iconic brick walls of all time. This NYC East Village brick wall completely revolutionized band promotional pics and opened the door for other bands to stand in front of something other than a barren field. Sadly, it’s since been torn down for a luxury brick wall, but you can totally rent this piece of punk history for as little as $5,000 per month excluding heat and hot water.

Study Finds Librarian Saying “Shh” Directly to Camera Still Most Effective Music Video Element for Conveying Pop-Punk Bands’ Distaste for Authority

Posted on by Freelancer

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — A study published Thursday in the University of Michigan’s Journal of Human Psychology confirmed that an old lady librarian going, “SHHHHHHHHHHH!” into a fisheye camera lens is still the most effective thematic indicator a pop-punk band can use to communicate its anti-authoritarian ethos.

“It’s incredible, really,” said lead researcher Dr. Alvin Martinez. “We’ve created an ontological database of every subliminal marker ever used in a pop-punk music video to communicate the unresolved trauma of growing up white and middle class — sprinklers, bowling alleys, ironic doo-wop outfits, high school prom, you name it. Not one comes close to competing with the fascist horrors expressed by a librarian shushing the camera and pointing to a ‘No Talking’ sign right before some delinquent does a kickflip off the circulation desk.”

Brandon Astor, frontman and rhythm guitarist for pop-punk group Soup Dude Jour, confirmed that the use of the trope within the genre is a deliberate act of political resistance.

“Rock and roll used to be about something, you know what I mean? Like, war, or Bush, or whatever. We want our music videos to say, ‘Hey, we don’t play by your so-called rules,’ and be a real ‘fuck you’ to the Man,” said Astor, whose paternal great-great-grandfather was the 19th-century steel baron Methuselah J. Astor, notable for introducing the practice of union busting to the United States. “What’s a bigger symbol of oppression than a community library? The old woman is just the feather in the cap, if you will.”

For their part, representatives from the American Library Association were disappointed by the continued negative portrayal of librarians in the media.

“First of all, what the fuck? Do we think that librarians want everyone to be quiet out of a personal preference? Is that the problem? Or is it that you’re too pussy to say ‘fuck cops’? Hmm? Which is it?” said ALA communications specialist Marcia Nguyen, to no one in particular. “I’m sick to death of you WASP-y cunts.”

In related news, preliminary research out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology indicates that doing BMX tricks in an abandoned warehouse remains the most efficient music video element nü-metal bands can use to convey the fact that they are on ketamine.

Opinion: I Know We’re In A Pandemic But I Can’t Not See My Family For Rex Manning Day

Posted on by Sarah Feliciano

Yes, we’re living through a global pandemic and COVID numbers are rising every day, but it’s still Rex Manning Day. Since the original release of “Empire Records,” my family has made it a point every April 8th to celebrate this very special, grungy, campy ‘90s time capsule of a movie. It’s already a shame that the country won’t recognize it as a federal holiday, but it’s even more devastating to think I’d have to miss out on it entirely just because of coronavirus.

Listen, I respect your choice to stay home and just post “Happy Rex Manning Day” on Facebook. So, why can’t you respect me going to visit my ailing grandmother to watch her once again don the black turtleneck and brood about gambling away the family’s entire fortune?

Is your definition of celebrating really my whole family using Skype to virtually stand on the roof and dance to “Sugarhigh?” God, I feel blasphemous even thinking about it.

Fine, I’ll miss out on the tradition of sitting with my family on the couch, high off our asses on mom’s weed brownies watching GWAR music videos. Guess we’ll just have to each sit in our rooms, totally sober, and enjoy “Saddam a Go-Go” alone. How sad is that?

If that doesn’t break your heart, think about having to tell my little niece, who’s been growing out her hair all year just so she could shave it off, that her uncle won’t be present at her mock funeral. Even worse, my other niece is going to be devastated when she finds out she’s not losing her virginity to a Rex Manning impersonator this year. She’s been waiting eighteen years for this, dancing to “Snakeface” every night and whispering “I’m not a baby anymore” in the mirror, and you’re just going to take that away from her?

Say no more, mon amour. I don’t want to hear it. Rex Manning Day is officially ruined.

But actually–– no, we mustn’t dwell. No, not today. We can’t. Not on Rex Manning Day! That’s why I’m getting on that plane and having the best Rex Manning Day a middle-aged, COVID-positive man can have. Damn the man!

Vaccine Topic Artfully Avoided in Conversation With Friend From Back Home

Posted on by Jack Bravstein

TRAVIS COUNTY, Texas — Local college student Jason Manzano expertly danced around the subject of vaccination rollout last week upon returning home on break from his first semester at NYU and meeting up with old friend Chad Jackson, impressed sources confirmed.

“It’s not easy when Chad thinks the vaccines are like the Vietnam draft or something,” Manzano explained. “He went on about how he’s burning vaccination records and writing protest songs — I was so desperate to change the subject that I actually asked him to tell me about his new noise project that he started with a dude who went to juvie for killing a dog. Once he got started about the lyrics he wrote about the Jews controlling the pizza or whatever, I knew I was in the clear.”

Manzano’s fellow childhood friend Mary Winer recalled the broad range of subjects Manzano tackled in the verbal game of cat-and-mouse.

“It was quite impressive. Jason was pulling topics out of his ass faster than Chad could spew his conspiracies about them. When he asked about Chad’s opinion on the supermarket carrying Goya products, I knew he was in it for the long haul,” said Winer, still in awe. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It was almost sad when Jason started listing made up Republican punk bands and Chad excitedly acted like he knew them all.”

Brown University social science professor Jacob Cribbs applauded Manzano for his textbook actions.

“He followed every rule of social manipulation I recommend when faced with a potentially hot topic — I always instruct my students to harp on the subject’s greatest insecurities, and strongest opinions, to manipulate the subject into forgetting they are even in a conversation at all,” said Cribbs. “Personally, my favorite tactic is the carrot on a stick principle: you literally tie a carrot to a stick, and guide the subject around the room. Since I’ve started using this technique my family get-togethers have been so much easier; I never leave thinking, ‘Damn, how did I come from such a racist group?’ anymore.”

At lunch time, Manzano was inviting Jackson to a vaccination protest at the local hospital, with paramedics waiting to sedate and vaccinate Jackson.

We Sat Down With Casey Jones, Roadie for the Ninja Turtles, To Talk About the Infamous 1990 “Coming Out of Their Shells Tour”

Posted on by Rob Walker

Generations of people are familiar with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The New York-based crime fighters were responsible for taking down Shredder and his clan of ninjas, as well as a host of other inter-dimensional and mutant criminals. But what some may not remember is the turtles foray into music, culminating in their 1990 “Coming Out of Their Shells Tour.”

We sat down with their friend and roadie Casey Jones to talk about the tour and what it was like back then.

The Hard Times: Thank you for joining us, Casey. We appreciate you taking the time.

Casey Jones: No trouble at all. But listen, I gotta meet with my P.O. in about half an hour, just FYI. You got any clean urine?

Not on me. So how long have you known the Ninja Turtles?

I first fought Raphael in Central Park in the late 80s. We both were just two punks looking to knock some skulls.

How did you get involved in their music career?

It was really their performance with Vanilla Ice that got them noticed. An agent was in the audience that night, and it wasn’t long before they had a tour set up. They needed someone to lug amps and throw cable, so I volunteered. I had some bad people looking for me in New York, and it was time to get the fuck outta town.

Right on. Did the Turtles have any weird riders in their contract?

Heh. Actually, yeah. They demanded one banana and anchovy pizza. I thought it was just to make sure the venue read the contract, but they always ate it.

Pizzas aside, anything crazy happen on tour?

Are you kidding? It was like Mardi Gras every night.

Really? They seemed so straight-edge.

They were four teenagers who had never been out of the sewer! They were like a pack of Amish kids during rumspringa.

So pretty crazy then?

Have you ever seen a turtle cock? Do you know they hang dong half as long as their shells? Ask Tawney Kitaen. She knows all about it.

…The Whitesnake lady?

You wanna talk about “coming out of their shells.” Jesus! Well, everyone except for Raph. Steroid use. Can I score a smoke?

Sure. Wait, Raph was on steroids?

That shit wreaks havoc on your turtle power, if you know what I mean.

Okay. So was Michelangelo really the party animal or-

Mikey had the party animal reputation and would try almost anything, but it was really Leo who was the massive coke head. Said it used to keep him focused. The other three called him “Lord 8-Ball.” Izzy Stradlin got him hooked on the shit. There were fishbowls of snow everywhere. Leo hit a wall toward the end of the tour, where he almost killed a pre-fame Andy Dick. The tour pretty much ended after that.

Damn. Really?

Does “Pizza Power” sound like it was written by someone sober?

And Donatello?

Donatello was the quiet one. He was really into Philip K. Dick at the time and was all about psychedelics. He said it was a spiritual thing. He once played an entire show without touching his keyboard. When I asked him about it, he said the keyboard had turned into a bunch of sucking rectums. So I can’t really blame him for not playing the show.

The turtles only toured for one season. What happened?

Pizza Hut was sponsoring the whole thing. When they found out that Michelangelo was banging Denny’s waitresses two at a time and that Leonardo was punching holes in the hotel room walls, they decided to call it quits. It was probably for the best.

That is crazy! Do you have any regrets?

Probably beating a homeless man to death because I thought he was a mugger.

No, I mean on tour!

Right. Probably Helping Raphael write “No Treaties.”

Well thanks again for your time Mr. Jones, anything you wanna plug before we wrap up?

April if you’re reading this we can still make this work, my pager numbers the same, hit it up.

Jazz Drummer Holds Fork Like That Too

Posted on by Kevin Tit

NEW ORLEANS — Clint Frenzy, the legendary jazz drummer known for his innovative yet traditional style, reportedly holds his fork the same “kind of weird” way he holds his drumsticks, multiple sources confirm.

“I’ve been playing jazz longer than I’ve been shittin’ on the toilet, and those sticks are rarely out of my hands,” a smoky-voiced Frenzy declared. “Honestly, I feel more comfortable holding everything that way — with a fork, it makes eating pasta so much easier. It’s the traditional way of holding drumsticks, for goodness sake! There’s nothing weird about it. Who’s to say this isn’t how silverware was originally held? If anything, everybody else is the weirdo.”

“Besides, sometimes it’s not about the potatoes you get into your mouth,” he added, “but the potatoes you don’t get into your mouth.”

Friends and family admitted it was a little strange to watch him eat like that at first, but are all pretty used to it at this point.

“It freaked me the fuck out for the first few months of knowing the guy,” said jazz bassist Franky “Four-Hands” Houston. “I mean, he does it with everything — I’m still haunted by the image of him cutting our guitarist’s birthday cake, and I cannot figure out how no one got hurt that day. Same goes for how the man holds his cigarettes; a lot of us thought he was French or something. Regardless, there’s two things we can all agree on: he’s a phenomenal drummer and a very messy eater.”

Musicians’ Institute psychologist Denise Walters has been studying the habits of drummers throughout history and says this behavior is not uncommon.

“Drumsticks are somewhat of an extension of a drummer’s body,” Walters said. “When they’re spending over half of their lives behind the set, it’s not uncommon for their habits to translate into other parts of their lives: Metallica’s Lars Ulrich plays with heavier drumsticks, which is why he eats his cereal with a three-pound spoon. We’re currently working on a social media campaign to spread awareness about these habits among drummers in hopes to get rid of any stigma around their unique behavior.”

At press time, Frenzy was brushing his teeth in a manner his dentist called “unbelievably ineffective.”

Sludge Band Would Be Death Metal If They Weren’t so Goddamn Tired All the Time

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS — Members of sludge band RESINator expressed a desire to play faster, heavier death metal, but admitted that they are just exhausted all day, every day for them to play such a physically demanding style of music.

“I’m in my 30s, I have a toddler, and I work long hours in a tire warehouse. Nobody in their right mind would be able to sweep pick or play three-finger chords after working the hours I do,” said RESINator guitarist Vinnie Thomas between deep yawns. “We would sincerely love to play like Blood Incantation, but we’re just too goddamn tired. The best I can do is hammer out some sloppy, detuned downstrokes and kinda moan into the mic like I’m telling my kid to pick up LEGOs for the seventh time in thirty minutes. Ultimately, I think our sound is in the best interest of our physical and mental health and represents who we really are.”

RESINator’s manager and merch guy Scott Schraeder appreciates their music but actively encourages them to play slower and with less precision.

“There’s no question they could have tighter chops, but the guys look like ghosts of Civil War soldiers. I have no idea how they’d play with any more intensity without collapsing,” said Schraeder while brewing the band members some sleepytime tea. “At practice Friday night, they fell asleep midsong. At first, all the feedback and standing still was par for the course. Then Vinnie started snoring into the microphone. You might think that’s a problem, but I started recording it on my phone and it’s one of their best songs yet.”

Secretary of Heavy Metal and Workforce Development Todd Robbins explained that the fastest and most aggressive music is written by artists unburdened by the pressures of adult responsibility.

“Data will show that age, lifestyle, and field of employment best predict the kind of metal one can play,” stated Secretary Robbins. “‘Calculating Infinity’ was released before anyone in Dillinger Escape Plan could rent a car, and ‘Butchered at Birth’ was written by a bunch of violently unemployable weirdos. However, sludge records are traditionally created by overworked parents or professionals desperate to feel like they still belong in the scene.”

Members of RESINator were unavailable for additional comment because they just fucking sat down and just wanted ten goddamn minutes to themselves. However, they did agree to call back after they rested their eyes.

/**/

Recently Separated Couple to Continue on as Friends with Healthcare Benefits

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Newly separated couple Morgan Gregany and Riley Churchill will continue their relationship on a strictly utilitarian basis as friends with healthcare benefits, sources who didn’t realize you could do that confirmed.

“It was a failed relationship in every way imaginable, but the healthcare was so hot and heavy that we just couldn’t give it up,” said Gregany while canceling their joint Dave and Buster’s rewards card. “Turns out, the only thing we had in common was the fear of going bankrupt over a routine appendectomy, so it was a no-brainer decision once we realized we were only staying together for the coverage. Now we’re living our best lives: Riley still uses the dental benefits provided by my job, and I take advantage of Riley’s low deductibles on prescription drugs. Honestly, this seems to be the way normal adult relationships go under a for-profit capitalist healthcare system.”

Family members seemed disappointed in the news.

“As a traditionalist, I think they should’ve toughed it out, just like I did with the man I married 40 years ago despite truly despising him for most of it,” said Gregany’s mother, Barbara. “By separating, they’re dishonoring the sanctity of healthcare and exposing a glaring loophole in the otherwise technically functioning system. I mean, do other countries have round-the-clock pharmaceutical commercials like we do, just to raise awareness of side effects? Doubtful. Anyway, I just hope I can still nag them about getting me grandkids now that they can afford to have one delivered.”

Experts are starting to notice a similar pattern in modern relationships.

“We’re actually seeing more people hook up for practical reasons as traditional romance is replaced with abject functionality,” said couples therapist Angela Tranningburg. “And since the cost of living keeps rising while pay stagnates, people are forced to combine paychecks just to survive. Long gone are the days when you could support five kids on one part-time salary and buy a home for $500. At this rate, everyone will eventually turn polyamorous just for the cost-efficiency.”

At press time, the separated couple looked into adopting a mutual friend strictly to wield their healthcare benefits and help pay for their out-of-network surgery.

Opinion: The Only Way To Stop a Bad Guy With a Gun Is a Good Guy Doll Possessed by the Spirit of Charles Lee Ray

Posted on by Tyler Dark

The conversation surrounding what should be done about gun violence in America has become more exhausting than ever; with each shooting, a nationwide argument ensues over how to approach this crisis, pitting us against each other, while everyone ignores the obvious solution. It comes down to something my dad used to tell me: “Son, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a Good Guy doll possessed by the spirit of Charles Lee Ray.”

Even a staunch 2A supporter like me understands the fact that some people just shouldn’t have guns. Let’s face it, you’ve got a few nutjobs out there who would be an obvious danger to themselves and others if they had a gun. But when that happens, your only hope of diffusing the situation is for Chucky to come sprinting silently behind him like a little PVC assassin before administering some whoop-ass, batteries not included.

Other folks think you can just regulate the problem away, but that won’t solve the problem either. After all, it’s a slippery slope between background checks and armed militiamen showing up at your door to take away what’s yours. When that day comes, I want to be armed and ready with a serial killer trapped inside an innocuous-looking doll that springs into action as soon as the adults have their backs turned.

I get that there’s two sides to every story and that we can’t all get our way. Some of us are going to insist on letting the government take all the power away from people, and others, like myself, would like the freedom to cast spells on children’s toys, inhabiting them with the tormented souls of homicidal lunatics.

I don’t think this issue is one we can solve right away, and unfortunately, I foresee many more preventable tragedies happening before any real action is taken. The first step, however, is reaching a middle ground, and it’s only common sense that we conclude no bad guy with a gun would stand a chance against a doll with a lust for vengeance and a smoke-show girlfriend played by Jennifer Tilley.