NEW YORK — Fortune magazine released the first-ever Misfortune 500 list last week, citing a need to highlight the “fucking losers of capitalism foolish enough to be born without a trust fund.”
“Each year we pour countless hours into our Fortune 500 list of the country’s top companies, and while certainly aspirational to some, we felt that the list wasn’t exactly relatable to the masses,” said Fortune Magazine editor in chief Clifton Leaf. “That’s when we just took one look at the state of affairs in this country and came up with the loser list, which frankly was the easiest work any of us have ever done. We were able to whip this bad boy up in about 45 minutes, and still had to scrap a good 3,000 pages worth of names. I wasn’t even able to get my personal driver in there, but I’m confident he’ll still qualify for the running next year.”
Those who previewed the list before release were skeptical it could have possibly included so many people.
“I don’t get it. It’s really not as hard as people make it out to be to avoid being listed,” said Jacob Clemonte III, a second-generation investment banker. “Stay in school — preferably boarding, invest some disposable income monthly, and inherit a house in a neighborhood with high property values and a poorly concealed racist past. You’ll be well on your way to a middle-class life, as I’ve done.”
The Misfortune 500 list also contained an international section, with many of those profiled following a similar path to being featured among the lists disrespected unnotables.
“It’s nice to be included here, and I can credit my placement to doing just a few things regularly,” said Diego Chavarría, a factory worker from Mexico. “My constant worry about being evicted while telling my children that everything is fine definitely got me noticed, and using what money I do have to pay for my oldest to go to private school because I see how neglected our district school probably pushed me to the top of the lowest. I’d rather be on the list of people consulted when negotiating trade deals, but we all know that will never happen, so I’m just unhappy to be here.”
At press time, Fortune Magazine is preparing a longer Misfortune 5,000,000 list after reading one article about redlining.