Press "Enter" to skip to content

Study Finds Librarian Saying “Shh” Directly to Camera Still Most Effective Music Video Element for Conveying Pop-Punk Bands’ Distaste for Authority

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — A study published Thursday in the University of Michigan’s Journal of Human Psychology confirmed that an old lady librarian going, “SHHHHHHHHHHH!” into a fisheye camera lens is still the most effective thematic indicator a pop-punk band can use to communicate its anti-authoritarian ethos.

“It’s incredible, really,” said lead researcher Dr. Alvin Martinez. “We’ve created an ontological database of every subliminal marker ever used in a pop-punk music video to communicate the unresolved trauma of growing up white and middle class — sprinklers, bowling alleys, ironic doo-wop outfits, high school prom, you name it. Not one comes close to competing with the fascist horrors expressed by a librarian shushing the camera and pointing to a ‘No Talking’ sign right before some delinquent does a kickflip off the circulation desk.”

Brandon Astor, frontman and rhythm guitarist for pop-punk group Soup Dude Jour, confirmed that the use of the trope within the genre is a deliberate act of political resistance.

“Rock and roll used to be about something, you know what I mean? Like, war, or Bush, or whatever. We want our music videos to say, ‘Hey, we don’t play by your so-called rules,’ and be a real ‘fuck you’ to the Man,” said Astor, whose paternal great-great-grandfather was the 19th-century steel baron Methuselah J. Astor, notable for introducing the practice of union busting to the United States. “What’s a bigger symbol of oppression than a community library? The old woman is just the feather in the cap, if you will.”

For their part, representatives from the American Library Association were disappointed by the continued negative portrayal of librarians in the media.

“First of all, what the fuck? Do we think that librarians want everyone to be quiet out of a personal preference? Is that the problem? Or is it that you’re too pussy to say ‘fuck cops’? Hmm? Which is it?” said ALA communications specialist Marcia Nguyen, to no one in particular. “I’m sick to death of you WASP-y cunts.”

In related news, preliminary research out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology indicates that doing BMX tricks in an abandoned warehouse remains the most efficient music video element nü-metal bands can use to convey the fact that they are on ketamine.