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Sludge Band Would Be Death Metal If They Weren’t so Goddamn Tired All the Time

INDIANAPOLIS — Members of sludge band RESINator expressed a desire to play faster, heavier death metal, but admitted that they are just exhausted all day, every day for them to play such a physically demanding style of music.

“I’m in my 30s, I have a toddler, and I work long hours in a tire warehouse. Nobody in their right mind would be able to sweep pick or play three-finger chords after working the hours I do,” said RESINator guitarist Vinnie Thomas between deep yawns. “We would sincerely love to play like Blood Incantation, but we’re just too goddamn tired. The best I can do is hammer out some sloppy, detuned downstrokes and kinda moan into the mic like I’m telling my kid to pick up LEGOs for the seventh time in thirty minutes. Ultimately, I think our sound is in the best interest of our physical and mental health and represents who we really are.”

RESINator’s manager and merch guy Scott Schraeder appreciates their music but actively encourages them to play slower and with less precision.

“There’s no question they could have tighter chops, but the guys look like ghosts of Civil War soldiers. I have no idea how they’d play with any more intensity without collapsing,” said Schraeder while brewing the band members some sleepytime tea. “At practice Friday night, they fell asleep midsong. At first, all the feedback and standing still was par for the course. Then Vinnie started snoring into the microphone. You might think that’s a problem, but I started recording it on my phone and it’s one of their best songs yet.”

Secretary of Heavy Metal and Workforce Development Todd Robbins explained that the fastest and most aggressive music is written by artists unburdened by the pressures of adult responsibility.

“Data will show that age, lifestyle, and field of employment best predict the kind of metal one can play,” stated Secretary Robbins. “‘Calculating Infinity’ was released before anyone in Dillinger Escape Plan could rent a car, and ‘Butchered at Birth’ was written by a bunch of violently unemployable weirdos. However, sludge records are traditionally created by overworked parents or professionals desperate to feel like they still belong in the scene.”

Members of RESINator were unavailable for additional comment because they just fucking sat down and just wanted ten goddamn minutes to themselves. However, they did agree to call back after they rested their eyes.