Drag Queen Overthrown in Drag Revolution by Drag Peasants

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

DRAG KINGDOM — The tyrannical Drag Queen known as Cleo Fabtra was overthrown in an absolutely fabulous revolution by drag peasants yesterday who were fed up after years of oppression, confirmed straight-laced intelligence sources who have no idea what the hell is going on.

“With all the work we do, we should be a pussy on fire if it wasn’t for Cleo Fabtra keeping us in serfdom,” said Muffuletta, one of the peasants who stormed the royal runway. “We can’t even feed our families because she throws so much shade the crops won’t grow, and her pomeranian has bitten so many of us that we have no other options. All the while, she lives in opulence kiiking with those hateful bitches in the house of Del Rio. We saw things weren’t getting better, and decided now’s the time to serve some revolutionary realness. By the time we’re done with her, she’ll be nothing more than a Bar Queen in Bakersfield, if she’s lucky.”

Cleo Fabtra was immediately placed in a holding cell, awaiting trial for her crimes.

“To all those boogers who can’t handle the fact that I’m their Queen: Ha! Suffer,” said Cleo Fabtra from her cell, ornately decorated and with a well lit vanity mirror. “Those crusty, loose-tucked, 5 o’clock shadowed, Party City, decomposing-corpse-of-Joan Rivers wannabees couldn’t vogue their way out of a paper bag. I’d read each and every one of them, but I don’t wanna call attention to your illiteracy. They all better get out of my sight. I hear the Boulet Brothers are collecting uglies for season four.”

The U.S. Government is already planning to intervene, as the Drag Kingdom seeks out new leadership.

“The Drag Kingdom is the world’s biggest exporter of glam,” said C.I.A. director William Burns while standing in front of a bedazzled map of the Drag Kingdom. “If the revolution shakes things up too much, this could affect our economy. As long as we know they will play by the rules, we will give the newly elected leader a proper condragulations. Otherwise, we will be forced to activate Operation Bye Felicia.”

Indeed, after a long herstory of kings, queens, and oligarchical runway judges, the citizens of the Drag Kingdom are optimistic they will be able to form a new drag democracy.

Opinion: They Could Never Make the Show “Friends” Today Because That’s Already a Show

Posted on by Dan Rice

Cultural sensibilities change and evolve over time. In our current cultural climate there are just certain things you could get away with on television in the ‘90s that absolutely would not fly today. Take, for example, the show “Friends.” At the time it was incredibly popular, well-received by critics and viewers alike. But if they tried making that show today, there would be a giant backlash, because what once made the average audience member laugh will now make them say, “Hey, I’ve already seen this.”

There is absolutely no way they could get away with making the show Friends in 2021 because they already made the show Friends.

Let’s look at a classic episode of Friends, in which Joey meets a mentally ill woman who believes he really is the doctor he plays on a soap opera. Joey feeds into this woman’s delusions and coerces her into a sexual relationship. Later, when he’s done with her, the friends ban together to gaslight this insane woman into thinking that Joey is an evil twin so that she will leave him. Do you know what the network would say if you tried to get that script on the air in 2021?! They would say, “This is clearly an episode of the popular show ‘Friends’ that we have already made. It is available on numerous streaming platforms. Get out of here.”

Not convinced? Consider the treatment of Chandler’s father, Charles, a Las Vegas drag queen. The Friends seem disgusted by Charles’s gender identity, going so far as to quip “Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?” Charles remains a long-running punchline on the show long after their initial appearance. Now imagine trying to make that show in today’s climate. Here’s exactly what they will tell you:

“This is plagiarism. This is an episode of the show Friends that we have already produced and still profit off of to this day. It is extremely hard to believe you are not aware of this, it was hugely popular. Did you know they made a million an episode? You need to change the show title, the character names, and make someone black, then we’re in business.”

Modern audiences just would not find Friends to be entertaining. They already grew up with it and have seen every episode numerous times. The uproar from millennials would be too great. They would take to the internet and say things like, “Why have you wasted time and resources to make ‘Friends’ again? There already is ‘Friends’! #CancelFriends”

Even if they wanted to, the main cast has aged out of their roles. Would audiences really accept, say, Ross having a sexual relationship with a student, for example, if his face had to be digitally de-aged like The Irishman? No, because it would look weird.

It would be possible to model a modern show after “Friends.” You could call it “Pals,” center it around a will-they-won’t-they romance between characters names Bross and Fatchel, and load the whole thing with homophobic remarks. But the fact remains that in today’s evolving and progressive social climate “Friends” is already a show.

Punk Time Travelers Arrive Four Hours Late to Kill Hitler

Posted on by James Knapp

BERLIN — A group of punks and aspiring assassins traveled eighty years back in time only to fail in their attempt to kill Adolph Hitler by arriving four hours after the designated time target, grossly unreliable sources confirmed.

“A couple weeks back we were dumpster diving outside some government laboratory for medical equipment to sell when we met this wigged-out science guy that said he would give us $20 and a six-pack if we did him a quick favor,” explained one of the time-traveling vagrants Gerry Feaster. “He told us how he’d discovered a nexus point in time where for a brief period it would be possible to travel to the past, and asked if we were actually anti-fascist enough to kill Hitler at a rally in 1941. But this shit got fucked up right away, Bogie and Darbs got in a fistfight in the machine and it sent off slightly off course, and we were still pretty hungover from the night before, so as soon as we exited the machine we decided to nap in a park.”

Citizens of the past expressed profound confusion regarding the punks’ presence in their time period.

“I was on my way to the delicatessen to pick up some of the schnitzels when I ran into these gypsy kids asking if they’d missed the Fuhrer speak,” said 1940s German man Rolph Bauermeister. “I told them that the speech ended hours ago and they all started yelling at each other about who’s fault it was they ‘missed the kill time’ and asked which stop was next on Hitler’s ‘tour.’ I had no idea what they were talking about, so I just sort of slipped away when they were distracted trying to ‘figure out the deli’s wifi password’ whatever that gypsy slang means.”

Physicist Stephen Hong expressed regret over his decision to entrust the most important scientific discovery in human history to punks.

“Why the ever-loving-fuck did I think it was a good idea to entrust a time assassination to a bunch of idiots that I caught trying to steal contaminated microscopes?” bemoaned Hong. “I thought that recruiting a scrappy group of rebel underdogs to topple a genocidal dictatorship would have a sort of poetic justice to it. But it’s clear now: if you need to hire a time assassin, make sure you’re hiring a professional.”

At press time, history books were being rewritten to incorporate the fact Feaster had forgotten his iPhone in 1941 and how the technology allowed the Third Reich to conquer the world.

Friend Always Saying “This Too Shall Pass” Clearly Never Been Dumped in Denny’s Parking Lot

Posted on by Heather Cook

LANGHORNE, Pa. — Local clueless friend Jordan Schmidt overlooked the lifelong trauma of being dumped in the smelly black hole of a Denny’s parking lot by continuously telling her heart-broken friend that her pain will eventually subside, appalled sources confirmed.

“I’m a total empath, and even though I’ve never remotely been traumatized by anything in my life, I get it,” said Schmidt as she sews ‘this too shall pass’ onto a pillow. “Sure, the worst thing I ever went through was not winning Miss Teen Bucks County sophomore year, but that taught me how to be resilient. If you still have PTSD from some painful event, then maybe you should try being more grateful. I mean, it sounds like they had three wonderful months together, and who doesn’t love a Grand Slam?”

Schmidt’s best friend, Emma Danner, is still re-cooperating from the thoughtless advice she received after getting her heart destroyed next to a Denny’s dumpster.

“Until she experiences the pure agony of being humped and dumped in a Denny’s parking lot, she will never understand the full depth of human sorrow,” said Danner. “Every time I bring up my break-up, she tells me that I just need to meditate more and the pain will pass. Well, it’s been six months and the sheer shock of being deep-sixed after my lover and I had just split the Supreme Sizzlin’ Skillet together may never subside.”

A waiter taking a smoke break allegedly witnessed this harrowing break-up unfold.

“The loser that dumped that sweet girl had more grease in his hair than our Wild West Omelette,” said Ricky Turner. “He pushed her out of his pick-up truck and then drove away without even letting her keep the leftovers. It’s bad enough to have someone hit it and quit it outside of Denny’s, but to be genuinely grieved over some fake cowboy? That’s going to haunt her forever. Anyone telling her to just get over it clearly cannot relate to that level of eternal suffering.”

At press time, Schmidt was asked by a reporter what kind of condolences she would offer to a friend who accidentally ran over their own cat, to which she replied, “thoughts and prayers.”

New “Fox and Friends” Reboot to be Shot Entirely from Front Seat of Ford F-150

Posted on by David Britton

NEW YORK — Producers of “Fox & Friends” announced today that they will move the popular news show from its regular shooting location in Rockefeller Center to the front seat of a Ford F-150 pickup truck.

“We really want to connect more with our core audience,” explained executive producer Lauren Peterson. “Real Americans aren’t stuffy liberal elites who sit behind a desk with a $2,000 suit and tie — real Americans drive giant extended cab trucks, wear hats that were intended for horseback riding, and pound their lips full of Skoal. Of course, there will be some technical difficulties involved with fitting the entire cast and crew of a television show in the front seat of a truck, but much like the great Henry Ford himself, we believe that ingenuity can overcome any obstacle, that hard work always pays off, and that the Jews control too much of the media.”

Longtime “Fox and Friends” fan Joe Bates says he’s excited about the change.

“There’s just something trustworthy about a person who sits in the front seat of a big pickup, you know?” said Bates while sitting in the front seat of his big pickup. “You know that guy’s a real American who’s gonna shoot it to you straight, and not try to brainwash you with some socialist agenda that makes you and your entire family go join ISIS. Plus, there’s like, a 90% chance Seger’s gonna be blastin’ on the radio, and that’s what real America’s all about.”

Ainsley Earhardt, who has co-hosted “Fox and Friends” since 2015, also feels the move is right for the show.

“Real Americans want America to be more American,” she said while lacing up a pair of $800 work boots. “That’s what trucks, freedom, and America have always represented to real Americans: America, America, America, America freedom, beer, Jesus, America, America.”

Executives at Ford said they plan to begin construction on the custom-made “Fox & Friends” truck as soon as all the parts arrive from Mexico.

We Tried Steroids but We Didn’t Know You Still Have to Work Out on Those and Now We’re All Swollen and Weird

Posted on by Dan Rice

Early into the pandemic, I made the decision to take advantage of my newfound downtime and forge my body in the fire of my will. I hit a major roadblock when I discovered that exercising is hard and fucking sucks, so I turned to what I thought would be the next best thing: illegal steroids.

It turns out that steroids just give you the ability to recover from intense workouts faster, so you actually need to exercise more when you’re on them. What the shit is even the point of these things then? Who injects shit into their ass so that they have to work harder, that’s insane! Anyway, if you don’t tear your muscles down the steroids start building up shit that doesn’t need to recover, like my left cheek or the pool of blood stuck in my forehead. What a huge disappointment.

It’s a good thing I don’t move a lot because now every time I do the pain is worse than anything you could imagine.

Even if I wanted to work out, which I DON’T, it’s too late now, the damage is done. My neck no longer moves, my torso only bends to the right and no single part of my body is the same size as its counterpart. I don’t think keeping my core engaged and going for brisk walks is going to cut it here.

The only parts of my body that have gotten stronger are my gaming thumbs, which are now the size of medium cucumbers. Unfortunately, this makes it harder to hit the right buttons, so those are pretty useless.

The worst part is I still have roid-rage and I want to fight everybody, but I can’t do anything about it because my body is so weird now. My right arm is way heavier than my left arm and my center of gravity is somehow in my thigh? I would get my human growth hormone augmented ass handed to me in a fight. Yelling at people on the internet over the Snyder cut of Justice League (for or against depending on my mood) is now my only outlet.

What in the hell is this country coming to when you can’t buy drugs in a shady locker room, inject them into your ass and sit down for a few months without developing noticeable deformities? Captain America took steroids and he defeated the Nazis!

It’s gonna be so much work undoing this damage that my best bet may be to continue using steroids and feign elephantiasis. John Merrick did pretty well for himself, all things considered. I know that would be ablest appropriation but like, at great personal cost so, it’s fine, right?

“Still Got It” Says Bassist Remembering How to Play Incorrect Version of ‘Schism’ Riff

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local bassist Tim Bolz announced this morning that he has “still got it” after remembering how to play a wildly incorrect version of the riff from Tool’s “Schism,” frustrated sources reported.

“I mean really, was there ever any doubt with these magic fingers?” said Bolz while uploading the video of himself playing to Youtube. “People say the ‘Schism’ riff is hard but I don’t see it. It’s all in the technique, dude. The intonation, the reverb, the vibrato; it’s all connected. Don’t worry if you don’t understand what I’m talking about. I’ve been playing for two years now so I’m basically like a wisely old bass sage at this point. And don’t even get me started on using a pick. The ‘pick’ I need to worry about is which Tool song I’m going to absolutely dominate next.”

Bolz’s roommates noted that this wasn’t the first time the 26-year-old bassist grossly overestimated his playing abilities.

“He has this weird level of confidence in his shitty playing. It’s like if Patrick Batemen was a loser bass player,” said Lana Young, one of Bolz’s roommates. “Last week he wouldn’t shut up about how he ‘nailed’ the opening riff to Metallica’s ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls.’ He played it for us and, of course, it didn’t sound anything like the song. I said it didn’t sound right. He got quiet for a second and then said ‘you have to play smarter, not harder’ before continuing to pluck away at the E string with his thumb.”

Bolz’s bass instructor Leroy Watt accepted some responsibility for his student’s behavior.

“It’s my fault,” said Watt. “Every week that man walks into my studio and botches his way through some new Tool or System of a Down Song. I could tell him he sucks, but he won’t listen to any of my advice. The other day I asked him to do a scale and he said ‘why do you need to know my weight?’ He’s not the only one. About half my students will get a song 15% right and think they’ve nailed it. You can almost hear their Ibanez Soundgear basses collectively screaming out in agony.”

At press time, Bolz announced that he would be shifting focus towards guitar after learning “pretty much all the chords.”

Hundreds of Metalcore Bands Scatter When Attendant Shines Flashlight Into Abandoned Industrial Building

Posted on by Mark Turner

LANCASTER, Pa. — Hundreds of metalcore bands were seen scurrying off in different directions in a local factory late yesterday evening after night watchman Bill Ducca surveyed the premises during his nightly rounds.

“We had a pretty bad infestation in, I want to say, the late 90’s to early 2000’s, but nothing like this. It seems this recent batch has grown wise to our usual traps and deterrents,” said Ducca motioning to an ESP guitar and military hat positioned under a large net. “Although, I will say this group seems to scare a lot easier. All I had to do was say I was the cops and shine this here flashlight through the window, and they nearly shit themselves running away.”

Local exterminators are well aware of the rise in metalcore presence at its blighted industrial parks, but have been powerless to stem the tide of music videos, album covers, and Alternative Press (AP) full spread photo shoots occurring on a nightly basis.

“What we are actually seeing is that as parents in the suburbs purge their garages and partially finished basements, it is pushing more and more of adult metalcore ‘kids’ into comforting places like abandoned houses, underpasses, and burned out factories,” said Rob Littlefield, owner and operator of As I Spray, Dying Exterminators. “These places have everything a metalcore devotee could want: harsh lighting, decrepit concrete pillars, and the illusion of toughness and street credibility.”

Lancaster City Council members seem unphased by the recent spike in metalcore activity, citing evidence of the previous infestations’ transient nature.

“Of course the customary response to any kind of infestation is to be overly reactive, but as our recent data shows us, it’s best to simply let it run its course,” said Councilwoman Sharon Landis. “Soon, the majority of these bands will opt for the safety and comfort of well-lit studios with high production budgets, or the ease of a music video cut together from live footage. Then, all that will be left are a few straggling crabcore groups, and the occasional Christian rock band. At least they actually sometimes clean up the place.”

A concerned Ducca worries that the regular sightings could be a sign that civilization is headed toward another ten years of nu metal, in which case he promises to “burn this place down myself.”

Disregarded Pizza Crust Seen In Whole New Light Next Morning

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BERNALILLO, N.M. — The abandoned crusts on a medium, two-topping pizza purchased and eaten yesterday evening were seen in an entirely new way late this morning, sources with basically nothing else in their kitchen confirmed.

“I’ll be the first to admit — I got a little cocky,” said pizza buyer and remorseful woman, Naomi Marks. “The dough on the pizza here is pretty thick, and I had a whole medium to myself, two sides of ranch, and a fuck ton of Pepsi so I figured I didn’t need those shits and I tossed them off like I was some kind of Golden Ages king or something. If I had known I would be crawling back to them the next morning I wouldn’t have thrown them on the floor that I haven’t swept in months. I regret not eating the crusts in their prime because I would have probably been stuffed enough to save two full slices which I could have reheated nicely, and things would have looked really different for me today.”

Despite claims that she had no choice but to eat the crust as there was little else to choose from the apartment, sources close to the matter report otherwise.

“We definitely have several pounds of rice, beans, and potatoes, and I definitely saw her reach over two avocados and a bowl full of apples to get to her literal garbage food,” stated Marks’ roommate and eye witness to the sad display of single womanhood, Desi Montoya. “The pizza crust was so hard she had to suck on the ends of them to soften them up to chew, and I’m pretty sure I heard her chip one of her molars. Fucking animal.”

Leftover food experts declare that, while objectively disgusting, resorting to previously disregarded food items is completely normal.

“There is absolutely no shame in resorting to food you all but threw away just hours earlier — just look at all the reboots of 80s movies. It’s exactly the same thing,” said guy who regularly revisits barely eaten containers of hummus two months after opening them, Barett Lee. “Plus, doing this saves the environment and is just the more fiscally responsible move. It’s like a savings account, but for food. It’s actually kind of like a hack, if you think about it.”

At press time, the once-forgotten pizza crust was overheard calling her therapist, wondering why she keeps giving people so many chances.

We Trained a Horse To Play Guitar and He Really Seems To Hate It

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

In the competitive world of online journalism, we are always trying to find new ways of setting ourselves apart. One day, one of our writers had what seemed to be a brilliant idea. Teach a horse to play guitar. It was a bold task that’s simple in its concept but would be a difficult endeavor to tackle.

We are proud to report that we were successful in our attempt to teach a horse to play the guitar. Unfortunately, the horse seems to find playing the guitar to be the most horrifying and alien experience of its entire horse life.

We thought everything would be fine if we kept it simple. It’s not like we were going to just teach a horse tapping right off the bat. We decided to teach our horse how to play Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water,” easy peasy.

After months of teaching Buttercup the stallion how to make chords with his tongue and strum with hooves, he was ready. We booked him to perform on the popular competitive television show “You’ll Never In A Million Years Guess What This Goddamn Horse Can Do!” We were all buzzing with anticipation when Buttercup took center stage and started to perform. However, when he started to strum, he looked not only uncomfortable but pretty angry about the whole situation. Was it the song choice? Should we have not tried to play horse god? Although it may not be clear what aspect of the situation bothered this old horse, what was clear was just how much this guy was not enjoying playing guitar.

We took Buttercup back to the office and decided to see if he was more of an electric player, but it did not have the desired effect. Buttercup charged at us, full speed. His resentment towards playing guitar coupled with the shock of amp at full volume (my fault) sent him into a full blown horse rage.

Don’t let the name fool you, Buttercup is an incredibly powerful steed that, as we learned the hard way, demands our fear and respect. I was the first to get a tooth kicked out, but there were many others. Then Buttercup realized that he could use his newfound tongue dexterity to strangle people. Suddenly I realized maybe we were essentially at a hardcore show and that maybe this horse was frontman material. He was already aggressive and had a huge neck, which basically made him Henry Rollins.

I tried communicating to Buttercup that he would be a great hardcore frontman but was greeted with him baring bis teeth and grunting. If there is any lesson to be taken from this experience, We haven’t learned it yet because that horse is still roaming the building terrorizing people.