I’ve heard of people getting their identities stolen, but what I just experienced takes it to a whole other level. It was another Saturday night when I was watching the HBO show Euphoria alone at home, like I always do, when I realized that what was depicted on screen was basically my entire friggin’ life. Not counting all that sex, drugs, and general camaraderie between characters, of course.
I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, but when presented with irrefutable evidence about the network co-opting my life, there’s no other conclusion I can make. Did they have a TV executive follow me around for the past decade, documenting all my movements, or have they been Truman-Showing me without my knowledge after installing hidden cameras everywhere? Because that’s the feeling I’m really getting watching this show, by myself in my basement apartment like every other night of the year, pounding back bottles of Monster Energy, because everyone else sucks.
Sydney Sweeney, who plays Cassie Howard, looks and acts exactly like a girl I was hot and heavy with back in college. Her name was Polly, and she was the spitting image of this character, and more importantly, she had the same insatiable sex drive. At least she did when I fantasized about her in algebra class, as I was too chicken shit to ever approach her.
Then there’s Zendaya’s character, Rue, fighting her way through horrible addictions to opioids, fentanyl, and coke, which feels oddly familiar to my own history with substances that I can’t seem to control, like my compulsion for Red Bull, Rockstar, G Fuel, Ghost, Gorilla Mind, Bang, and the aforementioned Monster.
If that wasn’t bad enough, now I’m watching The Pitt, and yup, all my concerns were just validated because yet another HBO program is stealing from my life! It’s so plainly obvious that Noah Wyle’s Dr. Rabinavitch was based on me. Sure, I may not be as handsome or as medically informed, but I have logged an absurd number of hours in the ER thanks to chronic nosebleeds from all those tasty energy drinks.
