SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local insufferable man Mitch Roberts announced recently that he was “about to be so annoying,” a sentiment confusing to those around him who already found his presence essentially intolerable, confirmed sources who recently blocked him on Instagram.
“I can’t believe Harry Styles released a dance album and is doing a residency at Madison Square Garden. 30 days. It’s so amazing. I’m about to be so annoying about this. Wait, I’m literally screaming, it’s tears. I’m literally gagging. This is me if you even care,” Roberts squealed as he flipped his phone to display an AI-generated meme and scrolled past dozens of texts he’d sent to his friends that had gone unanswered. “Lowkirkenuinely, I’m like so sorry. Talking to me must be so brain rot. It’s giving irritating.”
On-and-off friend Taylor Jones had a difficult time associated with Roberts at times.
“I can literally only hang out with him in one-hour increments. He’ll ask me to come over and he will just sit on his phone and talk about pop culture references,” said Jones ignoring eight straight texts from Roberts. “Genuinely, I don’t think he has a personality. I don’t understand how someone can be online as much as he is. We are all in our 20s. We all have jobs. How is your personal phone screen time nine hours when you have a full-time job? He makes good matchas though, so the friendship isn’t a total waste of time.”
Despite the devotion of fans like Roberts, even singer Harry Styles finds them incredibly fucking infuriating.
“Honestly, these bitches are fucking insufferable, but getting them to pay top dollar for nosebleeds at Madison Square Garden is like taking candy from a baby that won’t stop crying during a flight,” said Styles. “Wait, is this on the record? Delete that. Delete that shit right now. My fans can find out where you live in 30 seconds flat. It’s so exasperating.”
At press time, Roberts was found asking friends if they’re mad at him despite not even knowing that his friends had been mad at him for days.
