In the competitive world of online journalism, we are always trying to find new ways of setting ourselves apart. One day, one of our writers had what seemed to be a brilliant idea. Teach a horse to play guitar. It was a bold task that’s simple in its concept but would be a difficult endeavor to tackle.
We are proud to report that we were successful in our attempt to teach a horse to play the guitar. Unfortunately, the horse seems to find playing the guitar to be the most horrifying and alien experience of its entire horse life.
We thought everything would be fine if we kept it simple. It’s not like we were going to just teach a horse tapping right off the bat. We decided to teach our horse how to play Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water,” easy peasy.
After months of teaching Buttercup the stallion how to make chords with his tongue and strum with hooves, he was ready. We booked him to perform on the popular competitive television show “You’ll Never In A Million Years Guess What This Goddamn Horse Can Do!” We were all buzzing with anticipation when Buttercup took center stage and started to perform. However, when he started to strum, he looked not only uncomfortable but pretty angry about the whole situation. Was it the song choice? Should we have not tried to play horse god? Although it may not be clear what aspect of the situation bothered this old horse, what was clear was just how much this guy was not enjoying playing guitar.
We took Buttercup back to the office and decided to see if he was more of an electric player, but it did not have the desired effect. Buttercup charged at us, full speed. His resentment towards playing guitar coupled with the shock of amp at full volume (my fault) sent him into a full blown horse rage.
Don’t let the name fool you, Buttercup is an incredibly powerful steed that, as we learned the hard way, demands our fear and respect. I was the first to get a tooth kicked out, but there were many others. Then Buttercup realized that he could use his newfound tongue dexterity to strangle people. Suddenly I realized maybe we were essentially at a hardcore show and that maybe this horse was frontman material. He was already aggressive and had a huge neck, which basically made him Henry Rollins.
I tried communicating to Buttercup that he would be a great hardcore frontman but was greeted with him baring bis teeth and grunting. If there is any lesson to be taken from this experience, We haven’t learned it yet because that horse is still roaming the building terrorizing people.