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Opinion: You Aren’t Good Enough at Guitar To Buy a Flying V, Man

I can tell what you’re thinking from across the showroom. I know you want to pick one up, strum it like a jackass that has no idea what he’s doing, and take that beautiful piece home like she’s a mail order bride from the dark web, well guess what?! I can 100% guarantee you aren’t good enough at guitar to buy a flying V, man.

The look on your face tells me you don’t understand, so let me make it plain and simple why I’m not going to let you walk out of this shop with one: You don’t deserve to play, much less own, this majestic piece of mahogany, rosewood, and gloss nitrocellulose lacquer.

Face it chief, you’re flying too close to the sun here. Just like the angel dude from that bitchin Zeppelin poster. Don’t even think about it kid, you’ll hurt yourself.

Hate to break it to you son, but you’re just too green for a musical assault rifle like that. Do you even know this exalted instrument’s origin story? This piece of revolutionary art and design was popularized by motherfuckers like Dave Davies. That’s right, man. The fuckin’ Kinks. The white-hot licks of a nondescript British man simply could not be contained by anything less than the Mjölnir of guitars.

You can just hear the white pickguard acrylic dot inlays absolutely cutting through the mix like a hot knife through butter. Can you imagine how anemic songs like “‘Till the End of the Day” or “Who’ll Be the Next in Line” would sound were it not for the raw power of the V? And do you really think a little piss-ant like you is ready, let alone worthy, of that kind of pure rock power? Fuck outta here man!

Do you know how Lenny Kravitz went from writing rippers like “Fly Away” to churning out cold diarrhea like “Raise Vibration”? Because he went to the studio and left his custom shop signature ‘67 flying V at home. Not one note of the Gibson ‘57 Signature pickups from his model or the trademark sound of a vintage V’s korina body. The V giveth and the V taketh away. It’s bigger than both of us, and at the end of the day you just plain can’t fucking HANDLE it man!

A guitar this dangerous doesn’t come with training wheels and elbow pads, my friend, so I suggest you look elsewhere. That said, is there another guitar I can show you, Mr. Satriani? We have a nice collection of used Squires and nylon stringed Yahmahas over her if you’re interested.