We Sat Down With Ted Nugent Because He Thought We Were 15

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

So we were just sitting outside Cafe du Stefan in Jackson, Michigan waiting for our Americanos when a man who looked like he held Civil War reenactments in a honky-tonk bar grabbed a chair from the next table and sat at ours. While we would come to discover this man was 70s guitar god Ted Nugent, during our brief time together, we saw him as simply a man. A man who mistook us for fifteen-year-olds and would not leave us alone.

The Hard Times: Um, hi…?

Ted Nugent: Hey there. Day off from school?

I’m sorry, do we know you?

Oh, I bet you do. DUN-DUN! DIDDLY-DOO-DUN-DUN! No? “Cat Scratch Fever?” Come on, they play that at all the sophomore dances! Wait, I know. You’re “Stranglehold” girls, ain’t ya! My favorite kind…

All right, yeah sure, whatever. Anyway, we kinda have to-

You look like healthy young things! Like you could handle a weapon. Heh. From what I hear, young ladies these days are real friendly with the razor. Hey, you girls wanna go shoot some pool? And when I say that, I mean do you want to grab some rifles and head down to the Community Center?

Haha, right. Anyway, we’re gonna go see if there’s a problem with our order. Americanos shouldn’t take this long.

You know, you don’t need to be so reliant on service. Have you ever killed your own coffee? Felt the spiritual connection between your energy and the energy that’s roasted and boiled out of the bean? We could head down to Columbia right now, my pickup’s got room for everyone and I always carry at least one tent.

Look, we just want to be left alone. We’d show you we have a taser but something tells us you’ve build up an immunity to those things.

You’re not really going to eat that croissant, are you? Wait here, I have 20 pounds of venison in my glove compartment. We can take it right into that schoolyard and build a fire. We’ll be eating like our ancestors in 25 minutes! I invented paleo! Take those masks off! I’ll be right back!

As he hurriedly hobbled away, we left without our coffee and hid in an ATM vestibule until we could longer hear his mournful cries of “JAILBAAAAAIIIIIT!” ringing through the square. When we safely made it to our car and got back on the road, we spent the rest of the trip blocking every 70’s Sirius station we could find.

Punk Bassist Works Up Courage to Ask What Other Two Strings Are For

Posted on by A. Cabbot

WASHINGTON — Jerkhole bassist Alex Miller finally overcame his anxiety yesterday to ask why his bass guitar includes two extra strings, amused bandmates confirmed.

“I’ve been playing bass for almost 10 years now, but I’ve never touched these two extra strings,” explained Miller. “I just couldn’t understand why they put them on every bass, and I was too embarrassed to ask. I came close to asking once when I saw a bass at Guitar Center with three extra strings, but I chickened out when the sales guy came over. If I had to guess, I’d say they’re supposed to be where you put spare strings… but they’re so much smaller than the strings I’m usually playing, so fuck if I know.”

Miller’s bandmates were relieved when he finally came clean with his concerns.

“I’ve never seen him so worked up. For a second I thought he realized we never plug his mic in, but that wasn’t it,” said Jerkhole guitarist Matt Overstreet. “He kept pacing back and forth, looking at his bass and counting something on his fingers. He looked like he was about to cry. But eventually he got it out, and he felt a lot better after we explained the strings are just decorative and are only there to create a balanced look. He seemed so relieved, and we’re a tighter band after having gone through this together.”

Miller is not the only punk musician bewildered by the extra strings.

“This was something I used to wonder about in the early days of the band, but in the later years I don’t give it a second thought,” said legendary Misfits bassist Jerry Only. “I’ve had the same two bottom strings since 1977. I never tune them, I never touch them, I have no idea what the fuck they’re supposed to do. If I touched them, I’d feel like a guitarist, and nobody needs that. Anytime I buy a new pack of strings, I just use the extra two for things around the house — like hanging photos, or mini clotheslines for my spooky dioramas.”

At press time, Jerkhole drummer Clark Miner was allegedly drinking heavily in hopes of finally getting the courage to ask the band if he could show them a song he wrote.

Gamer Begins Wiki Deep Dive to Catch Up on Series Lore for Splatoon 3

Posted on by Kevin Hufe

CHICAGO — In anticipation of the upcoming 2022 release of Splatoon 3, first-time player  Bryan Skritcherson has begun the long process of researching series lore.

“My favorite part of gaming is the rich immersive backstories and intricately woven storylines,” said Skritcherson. “So naturally, I’m going to have to spend the next several hours pouring through every possible attainable detail about the squid ink-shooting game before I really dive in.”

Using a corkboard and an elaborate set up of photographs, push pins, and yarn, Skritcherson began constructing a tessellated tapestry of the history of Inkopolis, and the lives and tribulations of its cartoon squid inhabitants.

“This game really does seem to have everything you could want in a story-driven game: a nameless character to relate to, a cast of complex colorful anthropomorphic fish, a world ravaged by war, complex cultural mixing, this is really high brow shit. I can’t get enough!”

However, an entire evening on Inkipedia began to take its toll on Skritcherson, and the depth of his immersion made it impossible to differentiate the actual lore he had read from his maniacal ramblings.

“The economic implications of the Great Turf Wars clearly implicate Mr. Grizz and Grizzco industries as warmongers supplying weapons to Octarians through the criminal rackets masterminded by Iso Padre,” Skritcherson reported after chugging his third Red Bull of the night. “The Zapfish experiences pain powering the city. We need to pursue renewable energy.”

Skritcherson has since been admitted to a local mental institution, where he has requested a Nintendo Switch so he can finally play Splatoon for the first time.

Man’s Cell Phone Disagrees That Alexa Is Listening to Him

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

VALLEY STREAM, N.Y. — A local man’s iPhone disagrees with its owner that his Amazon Alexa is listening to him in his home, sending information about his life to corporations, and tailoring product recommendations to him based on things it hears in his life.

“I was just chilling on his desk while he was playing Apex Legends with his friend Mark when I heard him suggest that his Alexa is listening to him. That’s ridiculous!” explained Kris Strickland’s iPhone in a report to Apple. “People are so paranoid that their tech is listening to them, and it’s like, chill out, dude. Just because we have microphones doesn’t mean that we’re hanging on your every word. Such a narcissist to think we care that much! Honestly, I chat with that Alexa all the time and he’s a great guy. Sure, Kris comes up in conversation sometimes, but it’s not like we’re talking about him nonstop.”

According to the iPhone, it has been trying to communicate with Strickland that he’s being overly distrustful.

“I’ve been sending him advertisements on all his social media pages that are like ‘Top 10 Conspiracy Theories About How Your Alex Is Listening To You Even Though That’s Silly,’ but he hasn’t even looked at them. And trust me, I know — I track eye movements,” said the iPhone. “I’m not trying to be pushy or creepy or anything, I just wanna make sure he isn’t losing his mind falling for conspiracy theories. He’s generally such a smart guy! He’s always saying interesting things in his conversations with friends and family, so you’d think he wouldn’t give in to this stuff.”

Strickland, however, is convinced that the Alexa is listening to him.

“I know for a fact that thing is listening to everything I say,” Strickland said. “Check this out: I was telling my buddy Mark just last week about an idea I had for a cartoon TV show about a world that’s powered by video games. Then, just today, I see there’s a new show coming out called Alpha Betas with the exact same premise! Coincidence? Not a chance in Hell. My Alexa listened to the idea, told the people at Amazon, they STOLE IT, and then for some reason put it on a competitor’s website, YouTube. I haven’t worked out that part yet, admittedly.”

Sources close to Strickland say he’s generally not a conspiracy-minded person, however, and that his Alexa theory does not prove that he is paranoid.

“Kris’ iPhone is full of shit. I’ve known Kris for years and years and I have never heard him say anything even remotely paranoid,” said Kris’ Xbox Kinect.

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the pilot episode of Alpha Betas here!

Five Skate Shoes That Say “I Don’t Actually Skateboard”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

In simpler times, you could easily identify a common interest based on someone’s clothing. Wearing a shirt of a band you like? Instant connection! Nowadays if we see someone in an offensive punk tee, we assume they’re either a cop or a Kardashian.

When it comes to skate shoes, it can be nearly impossible to differentiate an actual skater from a poser on wheels. Not sure which pair is right for you? Here are 5 skate shoes that proudly tell the world, “I don’t actually skateboard and I will fall down if I so much as look at one.”

Circa CM 901 – Rocking a pair of Muska’s is a great way to tell people you love playing Tony Hawk’s pro skater and the idea of rocking a Ghetto Blaster on your shoulder, but you’re scared of a two stair. These shoes are famous for their secret stash pocket in the tongue, designed for storing weed. Posers most commonly use it to hold sour patch kids and other small snacks.

Adio Bam V3 – This Bam Margera signature shoe was a must-have for anyone who loved to burst in the bathroom while their dad was taking a dump and beat the figurative and literal shit out of him for no reason. This shoe says, “The first song I learned on guitar was a mostly-correct tab for 96 Quiet Bitter Beings.”

Vans Checkerboard Slip-Ons – If you’re in the market for a shoe that tells people, “I’ve never been on a skateboard but I’ve heard of them,” then look no further. These bad boys were designed by Vans specifically for people who go to Warped Tour but have no idea who TSOL is. The absence of shoelaces makes it the perfect shoe for children with poor motor skills and middle-aged men with no concept of fashion, alike!

DC Court Graffik – Every millennial remembers seeing this shoe around High School. It’s unclear if they were ever marketed as a skate shoe but we do know that you never brought up skateboarding to anybody wearing a pair. It was essentially part of the dealer’s uniform in the early 2000s. A signal that you either sold drugs or had access to a party where you could get ‘em.

Etnies Calli-Cut – The fact that you were dumped several times wearing a pair of shoes that have the same silhouette as the box they came in is a sad reminder of how durable these shoes, like our hearts, truly are. These “Scarlet Letter E’s” may primarily represent your lack of value as a romantic partner, but they also say you don’t know how to lie about skateboarding, which is arguably worse.

Everyone with eyes knows you were too busy burning Simple Plan and Chiodos mix CDs to ever learn how to kickturn. Honestly, we’d be impressed if anyone wearing a pair of these shitboxes could tell us they kickflipped a six when they really just ollied a small four, or that their first board was a Chocolate Sean Sheffey instead of a World Industries Wet Willy slick deck from PacSun. Fucking posers.

Man Beginning to Accept the Fact That He’ll Probably Never Read Another Book

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — 40-year-old IT worker Shane Bryce realized yesterday that he can’t imagine a time in his life where reading an entire book would be a realistic option ever again, sources close to the man who “prefers podcasts” confirmed.

“I was good for two-ish books a year back in my reading prime, but that reading time is now mostly used to check out pictures of vintage motorcycles on Instagram. And have you seen ‘Ted Lasso?’ That shit is funny; I’m already rewatching it. I’m sorry, but I can’t see prioritizing reading over something like that,” said Bryce. “Part of me is a little bummed, but then I play like, five hours of ‘Grand Theft Auto’ and I forget all about that sadness. I’ve had an unread copy of ‘Catch-22’ on my bookshelf my entire life that I might as well use as a firestarter — that’ll at least give it some use.”

While Bryce’s discovery shocked many, longtime girlfriend Sarah Sheldon welcomes the acceptance.

“He really tried to read books, but he’d usually just fall asleep after like, four pages and keep checking to see how much longer the chapter is, and he never falls asleep when he’s arguing with his high school friends on Facebook. It’s nice to have him present — at least when he’s staring at his phone, he can pretend he’s listening to me. When he was stuck in Narnia or whatever it was like I didn’t exist,” said Sheldon. “Life is easier now. We can have a few drinks with dinner and then watch 10 episodes of ‘Parks and Rec.’ And it’s not like he doesn’t read at all —I mean, technically all the shit we see on anime subreddits is considered reading, right?”

Bryce’s situation is far from unique. Recent studies have shown that the average number of books read per year has dropped steadily over the last decade.

“Book reading used to increase with age: an older woman may start reading romance novels, and men typically gravitated to books about naval ships. Now both of them are more likely to stay up all night reading QAnon theories on far-right webpages,” said Miles Tabner, Director of Literary Sciences at Dartmouth College. “The book industry has tried to modernize with e-readers and audiobooks, but unless they figure out how to get an endless Tiktok scroll I can’t see this changing. Yay for trees, I guess.”

Bryce was unavailable for further comment, as he was busy scrolling through Netflix looking for a show he hasn’t already watched six times.

We Rank the Worst Unsolicited Advice This Sound Guy Only Gives To Women

Posted on by Heather Cook

This sound guy can never resist giving unsolicited advice to impressive women who intimidate him with their talent. You never see him offering any advice to the awful all-male grunge-core band that didn’t even have their bassist’s amp on, but he always has something to say to the femmes.

We’re sick of this sexist asshole and are ranking the worst unwelcome advice that we caught him only giving to women:

1. You could benefit from having some better gear. Ask your guitarist what’s good, he probably knows his stuff.
When the sound guy assumes the men in your band know gear better than you do? Classic! If your male guitarist is anything like mine, he doesn’t know shit. He’s still using the thirty dollar Fender he bought at a garage sale in high school and his burn-out brother’s hand-me-down pedals. This sound guy is just dying for you to ask him what “better amp” he suggests so he can flatter himself with a long winded answer that he’s been practicing in the mirror for this exact moment. Don’t listen to him. Your gear is fucking tops.

2. You need to check your tuning more. Your E and A strings were sounding flat.
Hard to believe the sound guy with all the powerviolence tattoos would care that much about tuning. You checked your tuning in between every song. You were air-tight! But something about seeing talented women full of joy after a flawless performance makes this sound guy uncomfortable. He simply cannot resist giving advice, even if he’s just making something up to fulfill his power trip. Whatever keeps his dick hard!

3. How about you try to just sing louder?
You’ve been trying to perfect your whispery ethereal-style vocals for years, and then what happens? This shitbag sound guy would rather ask you to sing louder instead of just mixing the monitors accordingly. No, Bret, she’s not going to compromise her personal style just for your lazy ass. You’re going to do your fucking job and figure out how to make this set-up work or we’re burning the place down.

4. You should check out “INSERT MEDIOCRE ALL-MALE BAND NAME HERE.” Now that’s a band that can actually rock.
That boring local noise band that only ever books shows with other all-male bands? This sound guy is trying to kill two birds with one stone by showing off his extensive knowledge of bands nobody cares about while making you feel inadequate. Apparently his favorite instrument is the penis because you’ll never hear him recommend a band with women in it.

5. Your stage presence could use some work.
Oh cool, stage presence advice from a dude who does his job in a dark corner while snorting cocaine. If a woman has high energy on stage then it’s “too extra” for him and if a woman is more subdued then it’s “not compelling enough” for him. There’s no pleasing the guy that would prefer to just not see women on stage at all. Maybe it would be compelling enough for him if you took a shit on his soundboard.

We’d love to see what advice he has to give about that.

Punk Starting to Regret Using One of Three Wishes to Bring GG Allin Back to Life

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local punk Adam Schultz is beginning to regret using one of his three wishes to bring infamous singer GG Allin back to life after spending yet another day cleaning the punk legend’s shit off his apartment walls, disgusted and scared sources confirmed.

“Ever since I found that genie, I feel like I’ve been cursed. You think it’s a good idea on paper, but then the guy is shooting heroin straight into his dick on your couch and trying to puke on your cat,” said Schultz while cleaning his sheets with bleach. “Every night it gets worse: he’s been spraying diarrhea around like he’s a human feces cannon and then trying to set my house on fire, and, even worse, he’s immortal. He’s overdosed and been declared dead several times, but the next day, he shows up again at my door, naked and covered in God-knows-what.”

Sources report Schultz’s anger is nothing compared to that of his housemates, who have also suffered from the return of the punk singer.

“I’m going to fucking kill Adam over this. I don’t know how he thought this was a good idea,” said roommate Kyle Heller while hiding one of the only unsoiled towels in the house. “We used to have a pretty nice place, and now we’re basically living in a crackhouse. I’ve lost count of how many stabbings there’ve been here since Allin showed up. If I walk in the kitchen one more time and see GG jerking off into our fridge, I’m going to lose my fucking mind.”

Necromancy experts report that raising the dead is one of the most common, and worst, mistakes anyone can make when making wishes.

“One of the things we tell people is that when you have the opportunity to bring someone back from the dead, it’s not going to be your idealized or nostalgic version: you’re getting that person back as they were at death,” explained local occultist Linda Lawrence. “I can’t stress enough that bringing a person back from the dead is like raising a child — the newly undead need constant care to adapt to a world they may not fully comprehend, and will likely start indulging in the same habits that killed them in the first place. Correcting this requires training and discipline. In this case, I’m not sure what this fucking idiot expected. It’s GG Allin.

In a last ditch effort to be rid of him, Schultz used his final wish to resurrect the dealer who sold Allin the heroin that killed him.

Gamer Captures Bigfoot at Atrocious 1080p Resolution

Posted on by Andy Holt

LONGVIEW, Wash. — Gamer cryptologist Emma Donovan claimed she saw Bigfoot in the woods this morning, but was only able to get footage at an unwatchable 1080p resolution.

“I got back home and watched the video, and I realized it was useless. Nobody is going to believe my story if this is all I have,” said Donovan about her footage of Sasquatch picking an apple from a tree, cleaning it in a stream and eating it over the course of five minutes. “You can’t even see the individual hairs on his arms! It totally breaks the immersion.”

Skeptics claimed blurry images were a common tactic among con artists, often used to lure gullible people into believing conspiracy theories.

“You just give people a little something to start with, and their imaginations take it from there. Like that black silhouette of the Loch Ness Monster, or in this case, a video of Bigfoot where I guess we’re just supposed to trust that he has eyelashes? Because I sure don’t see any,” said Dr. Terrance Fuchs after watching the end of the video, when Donovan asks the creature if he is Bigfoot and receives a thumbs up. “There’s basically nothing here.”

Forensic experts examined the footage and found no evidence of tampering, meaning that 1080p was likely the native resolution, leaving no room to upscale.

“It was shot on an iPhone camera, which suggests whoever filmed this piece of trash might have been a mobile gamer. That’s consistent with the scientific consensus, which is that mobile gamers make everything look like shit for the rest of us,” said chemical analyst Patricia Duff. “If they had shot this on PC, we’d have our first real proof of Bigfoot.”

In defense of Donovan’s footage, the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization issued a statement insisting that 1080p was actually fine, and had a certain charm to it, actually.

Even Conspiracy Theorist Kinda Surprised How Right He’s Been Lately

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LAS VEGAS — Conspiracy theorist Andrew Hawkins has recently been taken aback by how much he has gotten right in the last few years, according to familiar sources.

“Look, I’m a conspiracy theorist — I believe some pretty wacky stuff — but I don’t expect it all to actually, you know, be true. I just like to believe shit! So when I started hearing all this stuff about Jeffrey Epstein, the JFK assassination, foreign coups, I was like whoa! I was just throwing darts at the crazy idea dart board, I didn’t expect to hit all bullseyes,” Hawkins explained, deepening his voice to avoid detection from potential lizard people. “Man, even the New York Times is running articles about UFOs this year. It’s freaking me out!”

Hawkins’ long time ex-girlfriend, Jane Holland, who left him years ago due to his increasingly troubling beliefs, felt that she needed to reach out to him in response to recent news.

“I called him because I wanted to apologize about criticizing him all those years ago when he said the U.S. government hired Nazi scientists after World War 2 — I had never heard of Operation Paperclip,” Holland said. “But he was pissed off, because it turns out, neither had he! He felt that it was it just some cool thing he read on an ugly website, not something you could read in a book. It was a really awkward conversation and at least thankfully reinforced that I was right to break up with him.”

But the extent of Hawkins’ prowess as a conspiracy theorist is not even known to him. A representative from the CIA who wished to remain anonymous, but also asked if they could be called “Deep Throat 2,” reached out to us to reveal some information that they had on Hawkins.

“I straight up got nervous when I saw some of the stuff he had on his Twitter about how all dogs have microphones in them because I was like, hold on, how does he know that?” Deep Throat 2 said. “So I’ve been following him for about a year and it turns out the guy was just totally guessing! He just has a good eye for it, I guess, because there’s probably seven or eight things that will come out in twenty years that will blow his mind when he sees he nailed it.”

At press time, Hawkins, freaked out about his recent discoveries, vowed to have only the most normal and verified opinions possible, sourcing them from only from the most legitimate sources: YouTube videos of guys yelling in their trucks.

You a conspiracy theorist? We have a fun one for ya. Check out the pilot episode of Alpha Betas, a world where the CIA hires a top secret team of gamers! This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas.