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We Rank the Worst Unsolicited Advice This Sound Guy Only Gives To Women

This sound guy can never resist giving unsolicited advice to impressive women who intimidate him with their talent. You never see him offering any advice to the awful all-male grunge-core band that didn’t even have their bassist’s amp on, but he always has something to say to the femmes.

We’re sick of this sexist asshole and are ranking the worst unwelcome advice that we caught him only giving to women:

1. You could benefit from having some better gear. Ask your guitarist what’s good, he probably knows his stuff.

When the sound guy assumes the men in your band know gear better than you do? Classic! If your male guitarist is anything like mine, he doesn’t know shit. He’s still using the thirty dollar Fender he bought at a garage sale in high school and his burn-out brother’s hand-me-down pedals. This sound guy is just dying for you to ask him what “better amp” he suggests so he can flatter himself with a long winded answer that he’s been practicing in the mirror for this exact moment. Don’t listen to him. Your gear is fucking tops.

2. You need to check your tuning more. Your E and A strings were sounding flat.
Hard to believe the sound guy with all the powerviolence tattoos would care that much about tuning. You checked your tuning in between every song. You were air-tight! But something about seeing talented women full of joy after a flawless performance makes this sound guy uncomfortable. He simply cannot resist giving advice, even if he’s just making something up to fulfill his power trip. Whatever keeps his dick hard!

3. How about you try to just sing louder?

You’ve been trying to perfect your whispery ethereal-style vocals for years, and then what happens? This shitbag sound guy would rather ask you to sing louder instead of just mixing the monitors accordingly. No, Bret, she’s not going to compromise her personal style just for your lazy ass. You’re going to do your fucking job and figure out how to make this set-up work or we’re burning the place down.

4. You should check out “INSERT MEDIOCRE ALL-MALE BAND NAME HERE.” Now that’s a band that can actually rock.

That boring local noise band that only ever books shows with other all-male bands? This sound guy is trying to kill two birds with one stone by showing off his extensive knowledge of bands nobody cares about while making you feel inadequate. Apparently his favorite instrument is the penis because you’ll never hear him recommend a band with women in it.

5. Your stage presence could use some work.

Oh cool, stage presence advice from a dude who does his job in a dark corner while snorting cocaine. If a woman has high energy on stage then it’s “too extra” for him and if a woman is more subdued then it’s “not compelling enough” for him. There’s no pleasing the guy that would prefer to just not see women on stage at all. Maybe it would be compelling enough for him if you took a shit on his soundboard.

We’d love to see what advice he has to give about that.