Quarantine Is Ending, Which Means It’s Finally Time To Start My Novel

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Lowering infection rates, more vaccinations and a healthy crowd of people inside Applebee’s can only mean one thing; Quarantine is ending! The return to normalcy has given me the inspiration to finally start writing the great American novel. And I mean it this time.

I mean yeah, it would have been nice to have a novel done by now, but it just wasn’t the right time. People will tell you that quarantine was the perfect opportunity to work on creative projects but they’re dead wrong. It’s a well known fact that a large amount of free-time like that clouds the mind and stifles your creative energies. They say great art comes from unprecedented times? Bullshit! I write my best during precedented times. Besides, I was still pretty busy during quarantine anyway. I had to, uh, walk the dog and… work stuff.

Basically what I learned is that I can’t write my art in a vacuum, so now I just have to write my art between work and family and going out and stuff, which I was not doing before. So I’m halfway there.

Do I regret making all those posts at the beginning of quarantine about how I was going to use the time to work on my novel? Not all! The operating word is “work,” which technically is still true. My writer brain is always in motion, even when I’m not writing. I may look like I’m watching WandaVision on the outside, but on the inside I’m conjuring up worlds and stories that would blow your fucking mind, dude. I’m talking about some “Infinite Jest” level shit. My novel is basically done at this point. All I have to do now is just write, which is totally the easy part.

And it doesn’t even bother me that all of my author friends finished their novels over quarantine. Writing is a delicate process and they obviously rushed it. So who cares if they’re all getting compliments from people and film adaption deals and making money. Although it would be nice to have something to show from the past year. The publishing process itself is pretty long, and I have been working on this stupid book since 2006. But not too much! Rome wasn’t built in a year or whatever.

Today is the day I finally commit to starting this novel! I’ll start when Quarantine is fully over. I’ve got like, family stuff today.

Man Swears Ex-Therapist Is Crazy

Posted on by Kate Howard

SAN FRANCISCO — Local bad boy who has never done anything wrong in his life Patrick Webb swore again today to all his friends and family that his ex-therapist is “crazy,” unsurprised sources confirmed.

“Yeah, man… I don’t know what that chick’s problem was, but she was totally crazy,” Webb stated. “She kept saying weird phrases like, ‘Fixating on other peoples’ issues can be a sign of projection as well as a way to protect your own ego,’ and was always implying that my parents’ divorce that took eight years to finalize had an emotional impact on me. I didn’t need any of that, and she was completely wrong anyway. I was just there to talk about my psycho ex-girlfriend and, I dunno, maybe get some Xanax. Like, stop being so clingy.”

Webb’s ex-therapist Dr. Miriam Hewett remembers Webb for his extreme overconfidence and defensive nature.

“He definitely didn’t like whenever I offered any advice or tried to talk things out, which is confusing, since that is literally what he hired me to do,” Hewett explained. “After a few months it was clear he wasn’t making any progress and that I wasn’t helping him, so I said I had to stop seeing him and reminded him that there are plenty of other therapists out there… upon which he called me a bitch and stormed out without paying for the session. I guess it’s just part of his process, though. I wish him all the best.”

Despite this failed relationship with another mental health professional, Webb hasn’t given up hope of having a therapist who agrees with him completely and says only what he wants her to.

“I’ve been seeing Patrick for a few months now, and it’s clear he has some major issues,” said Webb’s current therapist Dr. Taylor Jameson. “He keeps going on about these crazy ex-doctors of his and I’m not sure whether to believe him, but I let him keep talking about it. It’ll be a long process, but I really do think I’m the one who can change him. Some of them did sound like total bitches.”

At press time, Webb complimented our outfit and asked us out, then called us an “ugly cow” when we said no.

Meet the Unlucky Stock Photo Model We’re Using for Our Article About Racists

Posted on by Dillon Magrann-Wells

Periodically we like to take a deeper look at the different people who are responsible for our articles. That is why today we will be looking at this stock model who will be featured in our next article making fun of alt-right racists. We don’t know a lot about him, but we do know that he is unlucky. By random chance we have deemed his generic photograph a perfect image for maximizing SEO on our article about entitled white supremacists.

We first met him when we typed “white guy” into our stock image library and then added the words “cocky” “good looking” and “punch-able.” He seems to enjoy getting his photo taken so maybe he’s trying to make it as an actor, or he could just be a friend of the stock photographer who needed someone to pose for a series that needed to take place in a classroom. He might be into fitness since he is very good-looking, with a smile that seems well-rehearsed but could easily hide an air of racial superiority, which works great for our comedic purposes.

Take a good look at this man. This, for our purposes, is the face of hate in America.

We don’t have a name for him yet, but we’ll make sure it’s something vague like Alex or Mike, tactfully avoiding any play on stereotypes by giving him a name associated with the deep south, like Kleadus. Who knows? This article we are working on needs to be a very brutal take-down of the systemic racism in this country and it needs to be easily shareable. In fact, the article might get so popular that people will begin sharing it without our masthead, and soon the line between parody and fact will become increasingly blurred. Tough break (Alex/Mike/Dave?).

Hey, for all we know we’re right about this dude. Look at him. We did, and the first thing we thought was “racist poster boy.” I’m just saying, there’s never smoke without fire, right?

In any event, this unlucky bastard’s real story, his hopes, and his dreams will be replaced by our grotesque and admittedly exaggerated speculations. Sometimes, when you sign away your likeness, that’s just the cost of doing business.

Soon this model’s sharp jawline will be the first thing you see when you google the words “racist” “white power” or due to a glitch in our host sites tagging toolbar “sex criminal”. When that inevitable day comes, we’ll thankfully get to say we knew him before his big break, when he was just another hasty decision to meet a deadline.

Merch Guy Demoted to Bass Player

Posted on by David Britton

CINCINNATI — Sidney Frogus, the longtime merch guy for the band HorseBird, was demoted earlier this week to being the band’s bassist after his latest and final merch mishap.

“One day, you’re on top of the world… and then the next, someone’s yelling at you about how you fold hoodies. This is over-the-top punishment,” said the stunned Frogus. “It’s so humiliating to tell your girlfriend that you’re a bass player now. Do you have any idea how that feels? She tried to act like everything was okay, but suddenly I’m not allowed to use the power tools and she’s cutting my meat for me at dinner. I don’t even know what I’m going to tell my parents — if my dad finds out I’m part of a rhythm section he might disown me.”

HorseBird lead singer Frances Gunn insisted that, although the band was indeed frustrated with Frogus’s performance, demoting him to bass player wasn’t meant to be degrading — although he admitted it “definitely is.”

“Working 1-2 hours a day and doing basic arithmetic was clearly just too much for Sid,” said Gunn. “We all love the poor dunce — he’s a fun guy, and has a good heart — so we needed a way to keep him around with the least amount of effort possible. Bass just made sense.”

Dr. Shanda Sung, a professor of economics and mathematics at the University of Cincinnati, noted that this often happens to would-be merch guys who get in over their heads.

“It’s all good and well to sell a couple of stickers after a show for your friends’ band when they first start out,” explained Sung. “But if the band becomes more popular and they start adding T-shirts and what-not, well… that’s a lot to keep track of. Even a seemingly simple task, like trying to fit everything into a tour van, requires a certain degree of spatial intelligence and can be quite mentally taxing. Playing bass, on the other hand, is basically a mindless activity that can be performed in a semi-conscious state. In fact, once one gets over the utter humiliation, it can even be rather fun to stand on stage and strum along with the real band members.”

HorseBird members insist it could be worse for Frogus: the bass position only became available when the band’s last bassist suffered a traumatic brain injury and was forced to switch to drums.

Photo by Stephen Bell.

Increasingly Loud PS4 Sprouts Propeller and Flies Away

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TUCSON, Ariz. — A seven year old PlayStation 4 that has been making more and more noise has reportedly grown a propeller and engine system and flown away from its owner’s bedroom. 

“Fuck me, I didn’t think it had gotten this bad,” said Nate Wharton, shortly after the gaming console had flown through his bedroom wall. “It was getting louder all the time, and hot, too. I thought it might fritz out eventually or something, but didn’t think it would just straight bail on me one day. Damn man, I’ve had red-ringed Xboxes and Joy Cons with drift, but I have not had a system evolve before my eyes and vacate the room yet. How do I report this exactly?”

Sony executives insisted it was an isolated and explainable incident. 

“Need I remind you that we’ve sold over 100 million of these things,” said Jim Ryan, president and CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment. “That leaves room for a lot of freak occurrences. Are a few going to blow up? Sure. Get real hot? I don’t know, probably. Grow some sort of propeller and/or navigation system and proceed to escape its perceived captors? Almost certainly.” 

While the bizarre news story was covered nationally to the delight of many, Wharton’s mother reportedly didn’t appreciate Sony’s attempts to get one over on her. 

“First it was iPhones’ batteries dying after a few years, and now this bullcrap,” said Shirtley Wharton, Nate’s perturbed mother. “He tried telling me that this was a sign we should get a PS5, but I told him it was a sign he needed to put his shoes on and go track that damn PS4 down!”

As of press time, Wharton was seen a few streets over chasing his flying PlayStation4 with a pool skimmer, hoping it got stuck in a tree or something.

Quarantined Pantera Fan Running Out of Drywall to Punch

Posted on by Ryan Danley

DALLAS — Laid off mall security guard and avid Pantera fan Jamie Gunderson has essentially torn his apartment down to the studs with his fists while in quarantine, concerned neighbors report.

“When this whole pandemic kicked off, I seemed to have an endless amount of drywall in my apartment, so I was pretty free with my sheetrock boxing — I’d crank up some ‘Vulgar Display of Power’ and just go to town. But it’s been almost a year, and it’s turned into a wall-socking marathon, not a sprint,” said Gunderson after driving his hand through the remaining drywall in his closet. “I started with just the living room, but before I knew it, my bedroom didn’t have an inch to cram my meat hook into. By the time I reached the bathroom, I realized I better slow down, but I get pissed off so much.”

While Gunderson’s concerns grow heavier by the day, roommate Manny Danvers is concerned about Gunderson’s overall mental health.

“J-Dog has always been such a nonconformist, and this last year has been so hard. When he was working at the mall tackling shoplifters and choke-slamming skateboarders, he’d come home satisfied. But to see him laying on the floor to punch holes just above the baseboard breaks my heart,” said Danvers. “I tried to help him — I spent an entire stimulus check on spackle to patch some holes for him — but it’s just not the same. Nothing can replace that feeling of a fresh crack. Now, he mostly just listens to ‘Cowboys From Hell’ and sobs. It’s sad.”

Historical sociology professor Maggie Schowalter, Ph.D. explained how recent studies show that Gunderson is far from alone.

“The quarantine has forced many counter-culture groups into performing ritualistic behavior in abnormal spaces… although Pantera fans seem to have reverted back to ‘caged animal’ status quicker than others,” Schowalter said. “We’re seeing graffiti in the homes of Eminem stans, and punks have begun actively spitting on their roommates. But goths may have it the worst: they used to hide from the world in their rooms, but now the world is their rooms, so they’re hiding outside. The poor dears are going to get a sunburn.”

Gunderson was unavailable for further comment, as he had just realized that the ceiling is drywall too.

Cop’s Wife Wishes He Trusted Her As Much as He Trusts White Shooter’s Explanation

Posted on by John Danek

ATLANTA — Stay-at-home mother Mary Benson wishes that her husband, Atlanta Sheriff Rick Benson, believed her explanations of the goings-on in their home as much as he believes the ramblings of white shooters he encounters on the job, she declared.

“When Rick gets home from work and he asks how my day was, I’ll say something like, ‘I made a stop at the bakery,’ and he immediately interrupts and asks if I’m fucking the baker,” whispered Benson, who regularly texts her husband selfies to prove she is running her normal errands and not cheating on him. “And yet, when some incel can’t contain his hate anymore and murders innocent people working hard to make ends meet, my husband takes those excuses at face value. It’s frustrating, but I guess it’s just part of the duty of being a police wife.”

Sheriff Benson reflected while apprehending Alex Friedkins, yet another white shooter.

“It’s a shame, really. This kid Alex can’t find a girl to date him despite his impressive Reddit karma, hentai collection, and ginger mutton chops,” stated Sheriff Benson, who shared his Twix candy bar with Friedkins immediately after apprehending him. “But he says he’s a God-fearing Christian, and I’m inclined to believe him. I’m happy that I don’t have to be a young person in 2021 — everyone gets so offended if you demand a date from some pretty girl you just met and cornered at a bar with your holstered gun clearly visible. That’s how I met my wife, Mary.”

Experts posit different theories as to why officers tend to trust perpetrators more than their loved ones.

“The crime has already been committed, so the accused don’t really have anything to gain by lying,” stated retired Atlanta police chief Ian Yarbrough, who keeps in touch with multiple white shooters via a regularly scheduled Zoom trivia night. “Now, my wife on the other hand? There is so much better dick out there that she could get, and there’s no way she would be open about it or attempt to divorce me. This police pension is no joke.”

Sources close to Mrs. Benson report that, in a desperate attempt to increase the trust in her marriage and save her relationship, she plans to shoot up a donut shop next week while her husband is on duty.

We Sat Down With the Singer of Everclear’s Father and His Story Is Way Different

Posted on by Chris Jones

Every ’90s teen can recall a time when they blasted Everclear’s “Father of Mine” after a particularly contentious dispute with their dad regarding a purchase from Spencer’s gifts. Sure, no one read too much into the song. All we knew was that this guy was pissed and his dad was the reason, so we cranked that shit to piss him off. But what if we told you that Everclear was completely one-sided in the way he wrote that song? Has Everclear been profiting off of a complete fabrication of this story?

Fortunately, we were able to sit down with the most hated dad of the ’90s (besides our own), Paul Everclear, to set the record straight.

The Hard Times: Honestly we never thought we’d be dying to talk to you. That song made you sound terrible. But you’re saying that you were far from the absent father that your son, Everclear, made you out to be?

Paul: Yes! Don’t even get me started! The whole song is a load of horseshit. I gave that kid way more than a name and it really hurts that he’s making me out to be some kind of monster. I mean, it’s not like I named him “Metallica.”

I’m sure you can understand why people would be skeptical about hearing this revelation. Let’s walk through the song itself and you can tell me where the story deviates from the truth. It doesn’t all sound horrible. You’d take him to the beach?

Oh, I did so much more than just take him to the beach AND the movies. I took that ungrateful little bastard to Disneyland at least twice. I even got him the fast pass so we didn’t have to wait in any lines. If Kris Roe was my kid, I bet he’d have included that in the lyrics. But of course, my son Everclear didn’t put that in his song. Did I mention I gave him his name?

Yes, over and over while we were setting up. Do you have any other examples of him being misleading?

The birthday card with a $5 bill line really ground my gears. I’d send him $20 minimum every birthday. Maybe his greedy mom was pocketing $15 of it to make me look bad. I should have seen that coming. She never let me see him no matter how many times I asked.

So according to you, his mom wouldn’t let you in his life. But what about his troubled upbringing overall? You raised him in a rough neighborhood?

You must be referring to when he said he was a “scared white boy in a black neighborhood.” Yeah, fuck me for wanting to raise our kid in a diverse neighborhood.

What did you think when you first heard the song? Was it a big surprise?

I first heard it in 1998 when I was waiting in line at a Quiznos. I honestly enjoyed the song until later when I saw the video on MTV. I was like, wait a minute, that’s my son! I did so much for this kid and he’s out there making millions talking shit about me. Obviously, I was pretty ticked.

Have you tried working things out with Everclear? Do you see any possible resolution between you two?

I feel like too much damage is done at this point. I have a new family now and step-daughters that buy me those cheesy “world’s greatest dad” mugs, so I do my best to move on and avoid places like Chili’s that are known to play the song.

Thanks to Paul Everclear for giving us his side of the story. Check back next week when we sit down with Harry Chapin’s dad to ask what it was like being a stay-at-home dad in the ’50s.

“It’s a Boy!” Shouts Couple Getting Pummeled by Blue Albums at Weezer-Themed Gender Reveal Party

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Local couple Debbie Yolander and Brian Guyson sustained mild concussions yesterday after guests at their Weezer-themed gender reveal party hurled copies of the Blue Album at them in celebration.

“We’re huge Weezer fans, but forgot that the corners of jewel cases can be moderately sharp, especially when 25 of your best friends are whipping them at you at full speed,” said Yolander while applying several adhesive bandages to her spouse’s nicked up forehead. “Honestly, I wouldn’t change a thing… except I probably would’ve gone with digital download codes instead of their heavier, physical CD counterparts. Sure, we probably should’ve learned our lesson from our previous kid’s reveal party when vinyl copies of ‘Pinkerton’ were dropped from a trapdoor in the ceiling. My husband had to wear an eyepatch for a month when one scratched his cornea, and my knee still hurts when it rains, but it was all worth it.”

Friends of the couple had mixed feelings about the celebration.

“Overall, I thought the whole thing was tacky, especially when the couple made everyone guess the gender by making us wear shirts with either Buddy Holly or Mary Tyler Moore on them,” said Jared Schlesinger, a guest who also mentioned several times that Weezer’s non-singles were far superior. “And sorry to be that guy, but Weezer’s first album is actually just self-titled, and only colloquially known as the Blue Album. Also, ‘Pinkerton’ isn’t pink. So, canonically-speaking, this gender reveal idea doesn’t track. I honestly thought everyone would be more receptive to me calling that out several times throughout the party.”

Experts have seen these gatherings routinely getting more specific.

“Gender reveal parties need to be one-of-a-kind in order to maximize engagement and likes on Instagram,” said party planner Sarah Forgatton. “And the more dangerous the reveal, the better. Look no further than that one that started a wildfire that’s probably still ablaze. Stuff like that will put the whole country on notice and get everyone talking about your baby, which is obviously the prime objective of these events.”

At press time, the couple were asking a paint expert at Home Depot to accurately match the color on Weezer’s Green Album, so they could use it to paint their future son’s room.

Professor X Unsure What to Do With Mutant Whose Only Power Is Knowing When a Bob Seger Song Is Playing on Any Classic Rock Radio Station in America

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NORTH SALEM, N.Y. — Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster at Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, is reportedly at a loss as to how to utilize the talents of one of his students, who can identify if and when a song by musician Bob Seger is playing on the radio and the call number for that particular station.

“I have always been able to utilize my students’ abilities to help fight for mutant kind, but how is knowing that 101.3 Chicago’s Spin is currently playing Night Moves going to help us defeat Magneto?” Professor X said during a staff meeting. “I’ve got him washing The Blackbird and sweeping Cerebro. I have to keep him away from the other students because they are annoyed he hums “Turn the Page” all day long. Can I expel someone for being useless?”

The student, identified as Rodney Bailey a.k.a Transistor, 16, is also concerned about his special power.

“I know Professor X says that our abilities are gifts not curses, but I wake up in the middle of the night screaming the lyrics to ‘Fire Lake,’” Bailey said after another night without sleep. “He said that I will learn to control my gift but really, I’d much prefer it just go away. I don’t think the fate of the world is ever going to hang in the balance whether or not someone knows that 99.8 out of Topeka is spinning ‘Mainstreet.’ At best, I would be a good sub for bar trivia because by now I’ve memorized most of his catalogue.”

When reached for comment, staunch anti-mutant Senator Robert Kelly (R-NY) offered his opinions.

“These mutants are a blight on our society. There are some that can walk through walls, start fires with their minds, and now I heard about this new one that can tell you when Bob Seger is being played on the radio,” Kelly said during an anti-mutant march. “Wait? That’s all he can do? That’s so stupid. I mean, yeah I guess he’s fine. I’m not going to waste a Sentinel on him. What’s he gonna do? Quote ‘We’ve Got Tonight’ at me?”

When reached for an update, Bailey was said to be under a sedative after Tampa’s HITZ 100.5 started playing rock blocks of Bob Seger all weekend long.