The Top 10 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

What is art? Is it something that makes you feel? Is it something you sell to rich weirdos so they can inefficiently burn money for a tiny bump of serotonin? Or is it a humble comment, that makes you go ‘haha, so true’? Well thanks to NFTs, it can now be all of those things at once, as long as what you feel is anger. Our comments this week don’t have any value in the cryptocurrency market (yet), but they do bring a lot of value to our community. Let’s check them out!

I was going to make fun of joelalanpelanne for being so willfully ignorant, and then I learned Jake Paul made $2,000 dollars selling an NFT that was just 20 seconds of one of his videos, and now I both envy and want to preserve his ignorance. If you have a heart, please stop spreading awareness.

Mark my words Kyne, if you live in that PS5 box, a dad is going to unknowingly kidnap you while planning to prank his son by putting some socks in it. If you’re lucky though, you might be able to keep the socks.

I thought it was easy until I got to the boss that was 20 Catholic nuns all beating Kratos with rulers. I even had to make a new save because I got the “Deep Shame” debuff and couldn’t get rid of it.

Remember to always eject first folks. You don’t want to die and be met with this:

If you want to imagine America’s future, imagine the Asylum Demon’s fat juicy ass slamming on a human face — forever.

Now, we know we like to have fun around here, but if we could be serious for a moment, we here at Hard Drive want to address something that has caused a rift between us and the community. 

In our article I Didn’t Get a Megatron ‘Toy’ Stuck up My Ass, I Got a Megatron Action Figure Stuck up My Ass, we made an error in which the article indicates that the model is a 1984 Megatron design, yet the picture clearly shows a later iteration of the character. We are sincerely sorry to all those affected, and are launching an internal investigation to find out exactly how this happened. We understand this is not acceptable, and we hope that by addressing it, the healing can begin. 

And rather than trying to sweep this under the rug, let us honor those Transformers fans by dedicating a full weeks worth of comments just to them:

You know how when you say something pointless, and someone says “who cares?”

Well, now you can answer “Compiler42”.

“Listen, I did go to the hospital, but I realized if they took it out they’d realize how basic my collection is and I was so embarrassed that I left. Now that I’ve explained, can you please take those salad tongs and help a friend out?”

And now, a scene from Transformers: The Enemy Within.

INT. SECRET MILITARY BASE – NIGHT

JOHNNY
You’re telling me that we didn’t beat Starscream back in Georgia.

GENERAL
Afraid not son. X-Rays show that the son of a bitch made a tactical retreat into your colon. But, we’ve got an ace up our sleeve.

Optimus Prime enters, shrunken down to just 8 inches tall

JOHNNY
Optimus?! Are you sure you want to do this?

Optimus stares Johnny down stoically.

OPTIMUS
I am willing to go to any lengths… or any depths, for a friend.

(Before you say anything, Compiler42, I know Optimus Prime is dead in the current series.)

Those boxes are huge dude, that’s just dangerous.

…Really, do you want the truth? Fine, I bought it second hand off ebay, okay?!  I was just embarrassed and didn’t want to look lame that the Megatron I shoved up my ass wasn’t mint condition. Are you happy?

In a three way Venn Diagram of intimidating, impressive and shameful, changing the form of a Transform lodged in your ass is square in the middle.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. They’re worth more than an NFT, and are much less harmful to the environment according to recent research. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

How To Turn Your Hobby Into Money and Eventually Something You Hate

Posted on by Bobby Korec

So your lifelong hobby has been an incredibly rewarding activity, but you’ve been doing it for free this whole time like some unopportunistic fool who hasn’t felt the pressure of capitalism driving them to monetize every aspect of their life. We’re so sorry to hear that! Let’s help you fix this right away.

It’s time to turn that hobby into extra income by treating it like a real job on top of your day job. And your Lyft driver career. And TaskRabbit gig. Sure, this will likely transform your hobby into a chore and ultimately become something you loathe with all your being, but what else are you going to do? Feel fulfilled for free?

The first thing you want to do is get yourself an Etsy shop. It doesn’t matter what you make, price it and sell it online. Eventually, after months without a single sale of your one-of-kind product, you’ll realize that shoppers only seek familiarity. Soon enough you’ll be forced to pivot the brand and specialize in different variations of “live, laugh, love” signs in a neverending chase of the almighty dollar. Even if you wind up monetarily successful, over time you’ll find that you hate what you now stand for.

Next, start thinking about the business side of your hobby. Sure, it was satisfying to spend your weekends building a custom coffee table made from repurposed pallets with the woodworking skills you never knew you had until you got an undercut. But if you want to make the big bucks, you have to build your brand online while developing a marketing strategy. Also, start viewing your friends as potential consumers. Promote your work for sale on your Facebook and make sure to list the price so the friends that haven’t blocked you yet can be converted into buyers.

You may also develop a sense of jealousy with peers that have way more subscribers on their hobby-based YouTube channels. This should really speed up the disdain for your craft and you might even give up to start a whole new identity. Anyway, good luck out there in the free market!

Man Still Haunted by His Botched Nickelodeon Toy Run in 1994

Posted on by Ben Friedman

VERONA, N.J. — Local 36-year-old Jordan Wilkins still hasn’t forgiven himself for completely botching his shopping spree during 1994’s “Nickelodeon Super Toy Run,” friends and family who prefer not to talk about the event confirmed.

“I spent the whole plane ride down to the big Orlando Toys R’ Us formulating my strategy. But when the day came and once they blew the whistle, it went downhill immediately,” said Wilkins, downing his third whiskey of the afternoon in a darkened dive bar. “I went to the video game aisle and grabbed a stuffed animal off the counter, when a Genesis and every Sonic game was staring at me in the face. A fucking stuffed animal? Why was it even there? Then I bee-lined to the action figures, and you know what I threw in my cart instead of a sweet-ass Technodrome? The fucking Street Sharks. I can still see Mark Sommers rolling his eyes and Jeffrey the Giraffe shaking his head at me when I crossed the finish line.”

Wilkins’ wife has tried to help him through his trauma, considering the strain on their marriage.

“I remember early on he used to ominously refer to something called ‘the incident,’ and I assumed he saw his best friend drown when he was a kid or something. It wasn’t until years later I was going through his old VHS tapes, and there it was: Jordan throwing toys no reasonable child would want into his cart,” said his wife Christine. “It made me completely reevaluate the man I married. It was one of the worst toy runs I ever saw: the kids there who were supposed to cheer him on were actively booing him when he grabbed a bunch of bike helmets and elbow pads, instead of actually grabbing some tags for bikes. After I watched the tape I spent two nights at my sister’s place to think things over.”

Though Nickelodeon ended the sweepstakes over 10 years ago, high level executives still receive letters asking for a do-over.

“You’d be shocked how many former contestants — now grown adults, mind you — write to us begging for another crack at the contest. Toys R’ Us is gone. What do they want to do, sprint through Kohls?” said network executive Keith Prindle. “I’d rather read 20 letters from kids with cancer who want to meet the literal cartoon of Spongebob than another diatribe about some idiot who couldn’t tell Legos from Mega Blocks.”

As of press time, Jordan was having a psychotic breakdown in the toy aisle of a local Target after an employee asked if he knew what he was looking for.

Photo courtesy of Duncan Krumrine.

Bad Luck? This Guy Has 24 Personalities And All Of Them Are Into Ska

Posted on by Chris Jones

Put any two people in a room together and make them talk about music long enough, they are bound to find some crossover in their taste. It stands to reason that the same, to some degree, would be true for a single person with 24 distinct personalities. But what are the chances that they all list The Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ “Impression That I Get” as one of their top jams? I would hope slim to none, yet nevertheless, here we are.

We recently met a person with 24 different personas, and the most disturbing thing about them was that every facet of their fragmented psyche was way into ska.

How does this happen? I can understand someone with this condition having one ska-personality as a defense mechanism when cornered by a Mustard Plug fan, but 24?!

The first of Kevin’s personalities I met is arguably everyone’s favorite, Hedwig. I noticed him right away, as he was all giddy rocking a No Doubt shirt. I was speechless at first, but remembered his love for music, so I asked for his opinion on Ska. He excitedly shouted that he was super into, “Less Than Jake, The Specials, Goldfinger, etcetera.” Something was really off with his answer. I can understand a kid being slightly interested in Goldfinger. Even I got into their rendition of 99 Red Balloons when I first heard it watching that Rocket Power movie where they shred in New Zealand — but Less Than Jake and The Specials? That’s just weird dude, especially for a kid.

I had to see if Hedwig’s love of Ska had made its way across any of his other personalities and he was switching identities quickly, so I jumped at the chance to investigate. It turns out Patricia, being the hardhearted cunning bitch she is, loves listening to relaxing Sublime songs while calculating how to unleash The Beast on their victims. She would not confirm this directly, but she gave herself away by hinting that she was a, “Badfish indeed,” which is probably one of the most Ska sayings in history.

Regarding Kevin’s most dangerous personality, The Beast, it’s hard to know much about him other than that he can most likely rip a grown man in two. Several of his personalities did reveal not to play Reel Big Fish’s Beer near them because it unleashes The Beast and makes him get rowdy as fuck. Luckily I have taste and would never casually play Reel Big Fish unironically, so my body is perfectly intact.

Honestly what caught me the most off guard was Barry. This personality came off more like an offensively gay stereotype Kevin was putting on to add more diversity to his lineup of identities. I didn’t get much intel on his favorite Ska bands, but he asked if I’d be down to go shopping for suspenders and trilby hats and that told me everything I needed to know.

As I continued to question every one of Kevin’s personalities on their love for Ska it became clear that they all had the sickness of thinking this is a real genre of music. “Look. It’s a blessing and a curse. We all are just really into Ska,” interrupted Dennis with a creepy grin. He clearly was getting tired of me wasting their time. The last thing I wanted was to get chloroformed and stuck in this cellar with a bunch of Streetlight Manifesto Fans, so I took it as my cue to peace the fuck out of there.

COVID-19 and Mass Shootings Announce Co-Headlining US Tour

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOULDER, Colo. — Unpopular yet devastating virus COVID-19 announced it will be partnering with Mass Shootings in a co-headlining killing spree that will stretch from coast to coast, horrified sources confirmed.

“Look, people think that I’m played out and that I’m yesterday’s news, but I still got a lot of mutations in me. I’m not just a one-note disease. I like to linger, I like to lay dormant, and I’ve got a lot of surprises to share on this tour,” said the virus responsible for nearly three million deaths worldwide. “A lot of people were surprised when I asked Mass Shootings to hit the road with me because everyone thought I was responsible for the sudden decline in senseless killings, but I’m going to be the reason Mass Shootings come back on a whole new level. Do you know how many frustrated people are out there cooped up in their shitty apartments with nothing else to do but look lovingly at their guns? It’s a fucking lot, and we are ready to rock.”

Mass Shootings admit that they felt a bit overshadowed by the virus in 2020, but are excited to work with such a certified killer.

“I was more active than ever in 2020, but I did it behind the scenes while the media was covering the pandemic. I know when to step aside and let something else have its moment, I’m not trying to be called a diva. I mean, I broke my own record for shootings, but I can honestly say none of them were classics,” said the American phenomenon. “This is the year that I get back to my roots and really make waves. Me and COVID-19 are a tag team that can’t be stopped, and people from coast to coast are gonna be seeing us whether they like it or not. There aren’t enough hospital beds or portable morgues to be able to handle what we’re about to unleash.”

Americans across the country did not take kindly to the announcement.

“No,” said every American. “Fuck this, just fucking stop. Fuck all of this. Fuck fuck fuck.”

The tour has already picked up Government Inaction as a sponsor.

Inside the Koopa Slaughterhouses That Fuel the Insatiable Kart Racing Industry

Posted on by Kyle Erf

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A controversial new investigation into the supply chain buttressing the extremely popular sport of Kart Racing sparked outrage among fans and activists.

“When we began our study, we never expected the koopa slaughterhouses producing the shells handed out as powerups to be this bad,” said Dr. Marleen Enoki, author of the best-selling expose Kart, Inc. “We’ve all seen pictures of baby koopas roaming beautiful picturesque fields. Well, when they reach 16 weeks old, they’re brought inside and into cages with no room to turn around. They’re fed a diet of mashed up coins and cow hormones until they’re heavy enough to be thrown at a moving vehicle.”

Enoki’s investigation showed the coveted blue shells to be the cruelest of all. 

“I know it’s fun to see superstars like Mario or the dog lady from Animal Crossing take out the leader, but koopas aren’t supposed to be blue,” she explained. “The color and spikes are the result of a rare genetic autoimmune disorder, bred into them. These koopas are literally sick until the day they die.”

The workers are victims as well. Minimum wage, largely immigrant, employees are paid to jump up and down on koopas in order to euthanize and deshell them. 

“It’s dangerous work,” said one employee on condition of anonymity. “Last month a new guy got a green shell moving too fast. Bounced off a wall and took his legs off. My heart breaks when I think about how 90% of green shells used in a kart race miss. If only people knew.”

Industry leaders quickly came to defend these practices. 

Said Warton Mouser, CEO of Kart Supply Inc., “the fact is, Kart Racing is a beautiful thing, and there’s nothing wrong with loving the sport. God made koopas for us to throw at each other when we’re driving our go karts. They’re a subservient species to Man — and talking mushroom people — and we have every right to use them this way.”

At press time, activist movements are in their infancy within the Kart Racing fandom. With some groups agitating for an end to powerups as being unfair anyway, and others demanding the inhumane shells be replaced with “a gun.”

CDC Says Human Centipedes Now Only Need to Wear Mask on Front Piece

Posted on by Laura Merli

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced today that Americans who have been surgically attached to others at the mouth and/or anus by a deranged madman only need to wear face masks on the head of the human centipede.

“We determined that 93 to 98% of mouth droplets from a middle or end piece of a human centipede are deposited directly into the anus of the piece in front of them — even when they are vigorously screaming, ‘Please kill me, why won’t you just kill me?,’” said CDC Director Rochelle P. Walensky. “Similarly, since their noses are locked in a downward facing position, nasal droplets solidify on the lower back of the piece in front of them, as opposed to winding up in the air. However, non-centipedal citizens should continue wearing masks over any mouths and/or noses they have.”

The move to separate behavioral recommendations for human centipedes vs. singular humans has left everyday Americans divided.

“What kind of a message does it send to our children that if your mouth is sewn over someone else’s bumhole, you don’t have to wear a mask?” said 65-year-old concerned Connecticut man Wilbur Houston. “What if people start electing for this surgery to avoid mask mandates? Every time the CDC gives a recommendation it just makes things more confusing — not to mention that I have a friend in Texas who says all the human centipedes there are writhing around with no PPE at all.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the public face of the pandemic response in the U.S., supports the new guidelines.

“The recommendation is really based on data: since human centipedes are unable to stand, even the miniscule amount of particulates that could come through their jagged stitches are unlikely to be breathed in by others,” said Dr. Fauci. “I do want to be clear, however, that this doesn’t mean human centipedes shouldn’t take other precautions: it’s crucial that they still wash all of their hands and knees after crawling outdoors, and maintain a 6-ft social distance from anyone whom they are not sewn to.”

Mask guidelines could soon become irrelevant for all Americans, however, as U.S. President Joe Biden directed states to begin vaccination of all adults by May 1st, 2021. “By July 4th,” Biden declared, “we hope all Americans can celebrate independence like the middle and end piece of a human centipede: maskless, with their faces in another person’s ass.”

Cat Walking Across Belly Not Enough to Interrupt Man Masturbating

Posted on by Literally A Koala

DOYLESTOWN, Pa. — Local sous chef and frequent masturbater Kyle Myers would not pause his jerk-off session Monday when his cat, Mittens, crawled across his stomach, disgusted sources confirm.

“I was almost done jerking off — not to mention, I was already late for work — so I had to stay focused and plow through it when he slowly walked across me,” said Myers of the encounter that would have led most people to get dressed immediately or at least go finish in the bathroom. “I figure he’s already seen me do all kinds of shit — he’s watched me put things in my ass, he’s watched other people put things in my ass, and he was there for that entire two-week stint when I plowed through all of ‘The Sopranos’ without showering, but this almost crossed the line. Almost.”

Myers’ cat Mittens, a European Shorthair, had a more detailed account of what happened Monday.

“Whenever I see Kyle’s phone screen switch to anime, that’s when I know that nothing — and I mean nothing — is going to stop him from tugging his hog to completion,” said Mittens. “I don’t have opposable thumbs, so it sort of feels like a low-key flex when he masturbates. But I get it — I can lick my own penis, and despite his many attempts, he cannot. Usually when Kyle starts jerking it, that’s my cue to go scratch stuff or do some catnip, but I jumped on him Monday because I wanted to investigate why he always masturbates in his roommate Brad’s room while Brad is at work.”

Dr. Lindsay Sigroi, professor of Behavioral Studies at Cornell University’s College of Veterinary Medicine, says it’s very common for pets to engage with you during masturbation.

“While research is limited, we’ve concluded that our pets are mostly worried that we might be masturbating to other pets, causing them to interfere,” said Sigroi. “They get jealous, which can induce stress-fueled habits, like obsessively watching you go to town on your own penis or vagina. Sex and masturbation doesn’t seem to bother other types of pets, though — like birds or fish, who are simply trying to stay occupied in the prisons they’ve been confined to until they reach the sweet relief of death.”

Mittens is scheduled to disrupt additional activities in the household, including responding to work emails and taking regular shits.

Photo by James Knapp. 

Not All Millennials Are Lazy! This 34-Year-Old Already Memorized Half His Social Security Number

Posted on by Heather Cook

Millennials have been deemed the lazy and entitled generation, but there are a few exceptions. Sure, most of us are still living in our parent’s basement and would rather get another “meaningful” band tattoo then save up for rent, but go-getter Travis Horn is breaking the apathetic millennial stereotype. He’s still the wee age of 34 and already has half his social security number memorized!

The staff at the DMV were completely shocked when this beanie-wearing millennial did the unspeakable and proudly wrote down the first five digits of his social security number without hesitating. Unfortunately, he was not able to renew his license because he couldn’t remember the rest, but hey, baby steps! By the time he’s 40, I doubt he will still be holding up the line by asking “can I just skip this part?”

The fact that he dragged his ass out of bed so his mom could drive him to the DMV to begin with is an act of pure will power that most millennials can hardly muster.

As you can see, some millennials are trying really hard to be beneficial members of society who have their shit together. Gen-Z may tell us that skinny jeans are no longer cool and that we destroyed the ozone with all of our vaping, but this guy is different. He took ten minutes to memorize half his social security number when he could have been starting a podcast about bitcoin and IPAs.

Maybe think about hard-grinding young trail-blazers like Travis the next time you feel like opening your boomer mouth to say millennials have no work ethic! Doing the bare minimum is a lifestyle choice. It’s all about work-life balance, and by work we mean maintaining a YouTube channel and by life we mean constantly borrowing money from our parents.

Our generation gave you some of the most hardworking people to ever exist. AOC, Beyoncé, LeBron James… and this guy that memorized half his social security number! Put them all together and you have the work of an entire generation right there. So next time you want to call millennials lazy, just remember that some of us are going the extra mile, as long as that extra effort doesn’t interfere with brunch.

Racist Aunt Tired of Even More Racist Uncle Getting All the Attention

Posted on by Tony Morse

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Covert racist Nancy Jensen admitted she is sick of her more conspicuously bigoted husband receiving all the recognition for his horrendous views on races and religions, disappointed sources hoping the couple won’t come over for any family gatherings reported.

“The other day our neighbor Wanda told me about her Black friend who got a raise at work and bought a BMW, so naturally I explained the unfairness of affirmative action and asked if she knew where he really got the money for a thing like that. I got no response… and I’m guessing it’s because my husband Ron distracted her with the giant Confederate flag he was putting up in our front yard,” Jensen jealously recounted. “When [Ron] explained that flag is part of our history, you should’ve heard her scream. I’m surprised she responded to something historical so strongly. Last February I tried talking to her about how there’s no white history month and she just changed the subject.”

“I don’t know what I need to do to be seen,” added a grimacing Jensen.

Extended family members confirmed the Jensens use differing approaches to perpetuate racial trauma.

“Aunt Nancy really needs to be told off,” admitted niece Jennifer Collins. “When I told her that my fiancé is from Puerto Rico, she kept hinting that I should probably keep my last name — kind of fucked up since she’s always said feminism is stupid. But before I could call her out, Uncle Nazi calls me a ‘race traitor’ and says I better not have any children. I ripped him a new one, but I guess in my rage I forgot to tell Aunt Nan to go fuck herself. He has this way of making you forget about Nancy and her bullshit. Maybe that’s something we need to work on.”

Sociologist Abigail Smith agreed that the racist aunt and uncle dichotomy is real, both in terms of presentation and social response.

“It’s especially prevalent in our politics,” the veteran scholar observed. “Take your aunt who always votes against even minor tax increases designed to help impoverished communities of color hampered by decades of systemic racism. She won’t spark as much dialogue as your uncle in a MAGA hat and Pepe the Frog T-shirt who doesn’t even vote because he thinks elections are fake. Pardon the pun, but it’s kinda deplorable.”

At press time, Nancy was retweeting Bill Maher’s latest racist tirade about China and the Coronavirus while Ron shared photos reminiscing of his time at the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville.