ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced today that Americans who have been surgically attached to others at the mouth and/or anus by a deranged madman only need to wear face masks on the head of the human centipede.
“We determined that 93 to 98% of mouth droplets from a middle or end piece of a human centipede are deposited directly into the anus of the piece in front of them — even when they are vigorously screaming, ‘Please kill me, why won’t you just kill me?,’” said CDC Director Rochelle P. Walensky. “Similarly, since their noses are locked in a downward facing position, nasal droplets solidify on the lower back of the piece in front of them, as opposed to winding up in the air. However, non-centipedal citizens should continue wearing masks over any mouths and/or noses they have.”
The move to separate behavioral recommendations for human centipedes vs. singular humans has left everyday Americans divided.
“What kind of a message does it send to our children that if your mouth is sewn over someone else’s bumhole, you don’t have to wear a mask?” said 65-year-old concerned Connecticut man Wilbur Houston. “What if people start electing for this surgery to avoid mask mandates? Every time the CDC gives a recommendation it just makes things more confusing — not to mention that I have a friend in Texas who says all the human centipedes there are writhing around with no PPE at all.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the public face of the pandemic response in the U.S., supports the new guidelines.
“The recommendation is really based on data: since human centipedes are unable to stand, even the miniscule amount of particulates that could come through their jagged stitches are unlikely to be breathed in by others,” said Dr. Fauci. “I do want to be clear, however, that this doesn’t mean human centipedes shouldn’t take other precautions: it’s crucial that they still wash all of their hands and knees after crawling outdoors, and maintain a 6-ft social distance from anyone whom they are not sewn to.”
Mask guidelines could soon become irrelevant for all Americans, however, as U.S. President Joe Biden directed states to begin vaccination of all adults by May 1st, 2021. “By July 4th,” Biden declared, “we hope all Americans can celebrate independence like the middle and end piece of a human centipede: maskless, with their faces in another person’s ass.”