DOYLESTOWN, Pa. — Local sous chef and frequent masturbater Kyle Myers would not pause his jerk-off session Monday when his cat, Mittens, crawled across his stomach, disgusted sources confirm.
“I was almost done jerking off — not to mention, I was already late for work — so I had to stay focused and plow through it when he slowly walked across me,” said Myers of the encounter that would have led most people to get dressed immediately or at least go finish in the bathroom. “I figure he’s already seen me do all kinds of shit — he’s watched me put things in my ass, he’s watched other people put things in my ass, and he was there for that entire two-week stint when I plowed through all of ‘The Sopranos’ without showering, but this almost crossed the line. Almost.”
Myers’ cat Mittens, a European Shorthair, had a more detailed account of what happened Monday.
“Whenever I see Kyle’s phone screen switch to anime, that’s when I know that nothing — and I mean nothing — is going to stop him from tugging his hog to completion,” said Mittens. “I don’t have opposable thumbs, so it sort of feels like a low-key flex when he masturbates. But I get it — I can lick my own penis, and despite his many attempts, he cannot. Usually when Kyle starts jerking it, that’s my cue to go scratch stuff or do some catnip, but I jumped on him Monday because I wanted to investigate why he always masturbates in his roommate Brad’s room while Brad is at work.”
Dr. Lindsay Sigroi, professor of Behavioral Studies at Cornell University’s College of Veterinary Medicine, says it’s very common for pets to engage with you during masturbation.
“While research is limited, we’ve concluded that our pets are mostly worried that we might be masturbating to other pets, causing them to interfere,” said Sigroi. “They get jealous, which can induce stress-fueled habits, like obsessively watching you go to town on your own penis or vagina. Sex and masturbation doesn’t seem to bother other types of pets, though — like birds or fish, who are simply trying to stay occupied in the prisons they’ve been confined to until they reach the sweet relief of death.”
Mittens is scheduled to disrupt additional activities in the household, including responding to work emails and taking regular shits.
Photo by James Knapp.