Christmas is the one time of year family can come together and celebrate what truly matters: being beleaguered by extended family. My aunt, who is still salty about her recent divorce, has decided the best way to build a deeper familial connection is by cornering me in the living room and delivering a sauvignon blanc-induced screed on why I should be married by now:
“The Best Way to Build Credit is Through a $40,000 Reception”
“You’re gonna want to max out every card you have, everyone pays 28% APR these days anyway so you might as well go all out. And don’t give me that shit about putting that money into a down payment for a house. Nobody is going to remember some dumb condo your ex got in the divorce, but they will remember the ice sculptures and chocolate fountain.”
“The Existential Threat of a Messy Divorce is Great Motivation to Stay Together Forever”
“Trust me, nothing binds a couple closer together than the looming realization that splitting up will lead to financial ruin and questioning your self worth. Every time you look into your spouse’s eyes just think of how much you love them and that if it all goes south they’ll get the jet ski.”
“I Need a New Tinder Profile Pic in Formalwear”
“People gotta know I’m single and ready to Pringle, am I right? I have this one dress that makes my tits look huge and it’s not like work is having any gala events so it’s gotta be a wedding. Your wedding. Just do this one thing for me, please. But just a heads up I’m probably going to crop you out of the photo.”
“Your Dogs Aren’t Going to Take Care of You When You’re Older”
“Don’t give me that shit about being a dog dad. You didn’t sire them, and all they care about are treats and shitting all over your backyard. The last thing on their mind is driving you to dialysis for five years before trying to mercy kill you with a pillow over your face. Even those service dogs don’t have the brainpower to do that and WHY CAN’T I PET THEM WHEN I’M AT TARGET?”
“If You Don’t Find a Partner, Biden is Going to Force You to Get Gay Married”
“I’ll send you the link my friend from yoga showed me, but if you wait any longer that socialist ANTIFA loving election stealer is going to force you to marry another man. Joe Brandon himself already signed the executive order and Nancy Pelosi is going to oversee the whole thing, that’s why she’s stepping down as speaker. Use your fucking head!”
“You’ll Have a Forever Obligated Wedding Date”
“The nice thing about a spouse is they are obligated to attend every function by default and then you can post pictures about how you clean up nicely! Isn’t that funny? And then you won’t have to worry about attending your sorority sister’s wedding alone and have to think about the fact you met her husband first but he’s not into women who set boundaries so he leaves you for someone who’ll blow him on a party bus.”
“Everything You’ve Done in Life Up Until Getting Married Doesn’t Count”
“Everything you’ve accomplished in life isn’t worth jack shit until you sign that piece of paper. College? Anyone can get a B.A. in English. Promotion at work? Fuck you. Nobody gives a rat’s ass until your life is defined by a ring on your hand, and then your life really begins. Just know that most of that new life will just be arguing what to make for dinner.”
Each Marriage Gets Easier and Easier
“You’re gonna need a few trial runs before you get it right. The first one is for when you’re still young and can get an annulment quickly and easily. The second one, now this is important, is the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with but it turns out they aren’t going to conferences every weekend and they have a second family in Iowa. So by the third go around it’ll be much easier to ascertain if you’re dating a sociopath.”
“You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out”
“Heyyyyyy A Christmas Story is on. Look at how happy they are. Those were the good old days when couples stuck together through everything and didn’t split up over something trivial like a leg lamp. Not like nowadays when you date six guys in a row in their 40’s who still “aren’t ready for kids”. Do you think your mom has more Robert Mondavi in the house somewhere?”
“Life is a Meandering Death March to Oblivion”
“Look around, does any of this make sense to you? Humanity is but a pimple on the ass of the universe yet here we are pretending to all be the main character, believing anyone will remember what wedding invitations you picked or if you had a vegetarian option at the reception. We are just aimlessly moving from distraction to distraction in a pointless attempt to delay the inevitability of death. Sorry, I just get really sentimental on Christmas. I probably shouldn’t have switched to bourbon.”