BOULDER, Colo. — Unpopular yet devastating virus COVID-19 announced it will be partnering with Mass Shootings in a co-headlining killing spree that will stretch from coast to coast, horrified sources confirmed.
“Look, people think that I’m played out and that I’m yesterday’s news, but I still got a lot of mutations in me. I’m not just a one-note disease. I like to linger, I like to lay dormant, and I’ve got a lot of surprises to share on this tour,” said the virus responsible for nearly three million deaths worldwide. “A lot of people were surprised when I asked Mass Shootings to hit the road with me because everyone thought I was responsible for the sudden decline in senseless killings, but I’m going to be the reason Mass Shootings come back on a whole new level. Do you know how many frustrated people are out there cooped up in their shitty apartments with nothing else to do but look lovingly at their guns? It’s a fucking lot, and we are ready to rock.”
Mass Shootings admit that they felt a bit overshadowed by the virus in 2020, but are excited to work with such a certified killer.
“I was more active than ever in 2020, but I did it behind the scenes while the media was covering the pandemic. I know when to step aside and let something else have its moment, I’m not trying to be called a diva. I mean, I broke my own record for shootings, but I can honestly say none of them were classics,” said the American phenomenon. “This is the year that I get back to my roots and really make waves. Me and COVID-19 are a tag team that can’t be stopped, and people from coast to coast are gonna be seeing us whether they like it or not. There aren’t enough hospital beds or portable morgues to be able to handle what we’re about to unleash.”
Americans across the country did not take kindly to the announcement.
“No,” said every American. “Fuck this, just fucking stop. Fuck all of this. Fuck fuck fuck.”
The tour has already picked up Government Inaction as a sponsor.