Organizers of Martial Arts Tournament Didn’t Say Anything About a Fucking Bear

Posted on by Ed Smith

TOKYO — A former MMA champion officially withdrew from an international martial arts competition yesterday after a brutal mauling from a Japanese brown bear.

“I show up for the first heat, and they tell me it’s taking place on the helipad on the roof,” explained Canadian fighter Todd Morris, two-time winner of the Mixed Martial Arts heavyweight title. “So I go up there — and this building is something like 125 floors—and there’s just this bear. No referee, no cut man, not even an audience. Just this huge fucking bear, standing up on its back legs, dressed in a pair of boxing shorts.”

While tournaments vary in their protocols and rules of combat, Morris insisted that what happened on the helipad was “definitely not cool” and most likely against the law.

“I’m up there, and before I can even put down my kit bag, a deep voice yells ‘Fight!’ and the bear charges at me and hits me in the chest with a double dropkick. I go down. It starts doing knee drops on my head. I’m expecting the bell to ring, because I know the rulebook front to back, and that should 100% be a disqualification,” said Morris. “But instead it’s the voice again: ‘Perfect.’ How do you even get a bear on top of a skyscraper?”

Other competitors expressed similar concerns, citing the “complete disregard” for MMA regulations by the organizers of the tournament.

“They made us fight in the middle of this farmers’ market,” claimed Rosie Ryman, an American kickboxer who competes in the Ultimate Fighting Championship. “The other guy had a sword.”

In response, the hosts of the tournament issued a statement vowing to investigate how matches are officiated and organized.

“To improve our levels of fairness and ensure appropriate match bookings, next year’s tournament will feature fights between two competitors who use precisely the same moves and are physically identical to each other in every single way,” read the statement, in part. “Except one of them will be wearing a slightly different version of the other one’s outfit.” 

This year’s tournament remains controversial, however, as last year’s champion, the Devil, is scheduled to defend his title.

Okilly Dokilly Guitarist Skeptical Homer-Themed Metal Band Will Return Borrowed Gear

Posted on by Jake Menez

PHOENIX — Stead Ned, the guitarist for the Ned Flanders-inspired heavy metal band Okilly Dokilly, is worried about his missing gear after loaning his guitar and amplifier to the lead guitarist of a local Homer Simpson-themed band last week.

“I was just trying to do what any good guitarist would do when a friend is in need,” said Stead Ned while laying out seven identical sweaters on his bed. “When someone else in the scene-arino needs a helping hand, doing what’s right is the only choice. You just show ‘em a smile and say, ‘Hi diddly ho, neighborino, what can I do ya for?’ But I need my stuff back. I called the guy earlier to get it and he just made a beeping sound with his mouth like he wanted me to think he was his voicemail.”

Homer Gimpson, the guitarist for the band D’oh-verkill, claims their reputation as freeloaders is completely unwarranted.

“You drop some donut in a guy’s acoustic guitar by accident a few times and suddenly people think you’re inconsiderate,” said Gimpson in his practice space fully furnished with Okilly Dokilly gear. “When you’ve been on the scene 30 years like we have, you’re bound to have the occasional mishap. Sure, we ran over the Flaming Moes’ drum kit last year at a bar show, and I’ll admit that I’ve mistaken a guitar pick for a tortilla chip more than once, but that could happen to anybody! Nobody ever talks about all the things we’ve returned in perfect condition, like… um… well, there’s… uh… look, the point is, I’ll give ol’ Neddy’s stuff back just as soon as I’m done with it, okay?”

Fans of D’oh-verkill admit they’ve been alienated by the band’s flippant attitude towards their peers.

“I used to love D’oh-verkill back in the day,” said local police chief Clancy Wiggum. “My friends and I knew every word to every song. But, I dunno… they changed somewhere along the way and lost their touch. They ought to call it quits — I don’t even listen to anything past their 10th album.”

Gimpson was later overheard grunting in annoyance as he spilled a can of Duff beer all over a PA he borrowed from Okilly Dokilly last year, shorting it out and likely ruining it for good.

We Sat down with Tim Allen Because I Was Hoping He Still Had a Coke Hookup

Posted on by Ryan Danley

After decades in television and cinema, if there’s one thing people remember about Tim Allen it’s the name he made for himself as an icon. After a successful stand-up comedy stint, he became America’s favorite tool-loving father Tim Taylor. He even went on to star as a beloved children’s character! Buzz something!

Ok, look, we’re just gonna be honest. We’ve never watched any of this guy’s bullshit. We saw a YouTube video last night that said he used to sell coke. He even got busted in Kalamazoo and did time! Well, things have been a bit scarce since the pandemic so we figured this was our ticket to a “snowy weekend” on “Mt. Nose.”

The Hard Times: Welcome Tim! So I hear you have a show or a movie or some talking toy bullshit coming up soon?

Tim Allen: Umm, yeah, I do. I am going to have a reunion show with my old costar. Hey, are you ok? You’re sweating a lot.

Yeah, yeah. All good. So you’re from Michigan, right?

Sure am. Go Spartans!

Right, right. You still hang around with the old Kalamazoo crew at all?

Not really. Hey, wait. Are you actually from People magazine?

Fuck yeah I’m from People magazine! I’m a person, aren’t I?? So nobody from Kalamazoo? No old “work buddies” or anything?

Why did you put work buddies in air quotes? What’s going on here?

It’s a simple fucking question, Tom. Do you still hang out with your old crew or not? Word is that you like to “party”.

Did you really set up this interview just to ask me for a coke hookup? Look, I’m not that guy anymore. I believe in clean, honest living. I do not have the number of any of my old contacts, nor would I give it to you if I did! If you want to ruin your life with cocaine, you’ll just have to find another celebrity to help you do it. Here’s Aaron Sorkin’s number.

Cool. Bye.

People magazine is out of control.

Jock Dad Makes Home Schooled Son Shower With Rest of Family

Posted on by Kevin Tit

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. — Local dad and lifelong jock Patrick Bruckheimer is forcing his home-schooled teenage son to take showers upstairs with the rest of the family, concerned teachers confirm.

“Just because this football season was postponed by some hoaxy flu doesn’t mean I’m gonna let my son get soft,” the retired police officer shouted. “We’re taking advantage of this time off and turning our home into a training camp. While all the other players are doing virtual learning or whatever, my boy is in the gym, running patterns in the yard, and washing his ass afterwards in the master bedroom shower with his mother, grandfather and myself. I’ve been criticized for the whole family shower thing, but it’s a critical part of character building in every young man’s life.”

Bruckheimer’s son Daniel says the showers have been awkward, but trusts that his dad has his best interests in mind.

“I just wanna make my dad proud, ya know?” the 16-year-old running back explained. “I was confused when my dad took all the doors off the bathrooms and said he was giving the house more of a ‘locker room’ vibe, but when he started making the family take group showers, that’s when things started getting really weird. I mean, seeing your family naked a few inches away from you is one thing… but watching Dad laugh maniacally while snapping his towel at Grandpa, and the way he’d talk about how big his dick is in front of Mom… that took it to a new level. Like, we could all see his dick. I shouldn’t need to know that.”

Multiple staff members from the high school caught wind of the student’s situation, but only a select few seem to be concerned enough to help.

“Of course I’m worried about this, but what are we supposed to do?” asked Vice Principal Donna Benton. “We can’t go to the police, because they’re all friends with Mr. Bruckheimer — this is a small town, and Daniel is our school’s star player. A lot of us are just kind of hoping that this pandemic will end soon so he can come back to school, and… well, who knows, maybe make someone his own age feel terrible about their body.”

Frustrated Gamer Looks Up SparkNotes for ‘Disco Elysium’

Posted on by Gabe Porter

YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Irritated gamer Jack Dubbins recently decided to try and find the SparkNotes for the game Disco Elysium after playing for only five minutes, according to frustrated sources.

“Everyone was talking about this game on Twitter. They all said it was amazing and changed what games could be. I was so ready for some intense action, only to boot up the game and find myself transported back to my high school English class reading War and Peace,” said Dubbins, who also failed to complete both Red Dead Redemption games, every entry in the Bioshock series, Breath of the Wild, and A Short Hike. “Like, c’mon! I want to play a game! Not expand my mind with deep themes or metaphors.”

This exasperation eventually led Dubbins to search online for a summary of the plot.

“Since middle school, I have not finished an assigned reading. SparkNotes allowed me to barely pass English,” Dubbins said. “So I figured since this game is like a literary masterpiece or whatever, there had to be SparkNotes. I’ve been looking all over the internet for them.”

A close friend of Dubbins expressed shock and confusion about his desire to play the game.

“Isn’t Disco Elysium’s whole thing that it’s like a book?” said Hannah Graves, who attended high school with Dubbins. “I actually do not understand what made Jack so ready to take the plunge into this game. We’re talking about a guy who used to refuse to read what the teacher wrote on the chalkboard. He always made me sum it up for him.”

Dubbins was unable to find any SparkNotes regarding the game, and instead opted to play a different game that he was sure was more his speed, Planescape Torment.

Gamer Looking to Save the World Regrettably Recruited by United States Military

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MODESTO, Calif. — Local gamer Martin Long, 22, has reportedly joined the United States military after being inspired to save the world through his video game prowess, according to those familiar with the situation. 

“I was watching that YouTube cartoon Alpha Betas and I was like damn those guys regularly save the planet by being good at gaming. How do I get in on that? And the next thing I knew I was signed up to be a drone operator for the United States Army,” Long solemnly explained, his head in his hands. “They told me I could use an Xbox controller and I just said yes. I wanted to, like, chop up bandits in a parody of Red Dead Redemption, like they do in the show. But I fucked up and now I’m a tool of the military industrial complex.”

Long’s family is devastated about the news that Long has joined the military, as well as the fact that he was so easily convinced to change his entire life after watching just one cartoon on the internet.

“Yeah, if the electrical grid of the world was powered by video games, like in Alpha Betas, then I’d be more than happy for him to use video games in heroic, society-saving measures. But, as we all know, the world does not run on video games. Never has, never will,” said Long’s mother Clarissa Long. “Why couldn’t he just, vaguely do good in the world? When I told him he should apply his video games interests to his real life, I just meant that he should, like, be a good team leader or whatever.”

Despite concerns from the vast majority of people in Long’s life, United States Army general Frank O’Reilly says that 

“Hey if we can trick gamers to sign up for the service for a few years, I call that a win. Everyone’s already seeing through our tricks using Twitch, so we had to start recruiting in the comments sections of random video game related YouTube videos,” O’Reilly said. “Sure, they’re miserable while they’re here, but so is everyone. It’s the military!”

At press time, Long had already gotten himself discharged from the military after a reportedly “very annoying” three hour explanation of why BasicallyIDoWrk’s gaming compilation videos are the strongest of the Alpha Betas team.

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the pilot below!

We Sat Down With Richard Gere And Explore The Challenges Associated With Having Been Born A 60-Year-Old Man

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Richard Gere is known to be one of the silver foxes of Hollywood. With a full head of peppered grey hair, a chin that would make Thanos jealous, and according to my grandma “an ass you’d like to eat cheesecake off of.” His movie catalog includes hits such as “Pretty Woman,” “Runaway Bride,” and presumably others but I definitely haven’t seen them. Quite amazingly he was able to do this while also inhabiting the body of a 60-year-old man for the past 40 years. We sat down with him to talk about how this impacted both his acting career and life in general.

The Hard Times: Richard, thank you so much for sitting down with us today. Should I speak up or can you hear me fine?

Richard: No I hear you just fine. Thankfully being perpetually 60 means that I’ve always been able to hear just fine, but not like those super high-pitched tones the kids use in school as secret ringtones.

How was it for your mother to give birth to a 60-year-old man? That must have been rough.

Well according to my father her vagina sort of stretched in a way similar to how the anaconda from that movie unhinged its jaws to swallow Jon Voight whole, except in reverse because she was pushing me out. The fact that she carried all 165lbs of me to term quite literally makes her the strongest woman I have ever known.

How much of a challenge did this present to you during your formative years in Syracuse? I imagine school would have been difficult.

Oh my, school was very rough. Physically I was 60 years old, but I still had to develop and shape my mind like anyone else. This made it very difficult because all I would want to do is play with the other kids but I would constantly have the cops called on me for reports of some old creep trying to abduct school children. I would then break down in tears until my chronologically older yet physically younger parents could come along and explain the situation. Eventually I had to start doing homeschooling.

But it wasn’t all bad. They did make a movie based on my life. It starred Robin Williams!

“Jack?”

No, “Flubber.”

You got into acting after two years at college. How has being forever 60 affected your acting career?

Well given the fact that my body never changed it meant that I was immediately typecast as the finely aged wine and cigars type of guy. Do you want an actor who both looks like your dad and someone that you would call your daddy? Then cast Richard Gere in your film.

What does the future look like for you?

That’s a good question. Given that I have never aged I start to wonder if this means I am technically immortal. Forever cursed to walk these lands as a perpetually 60 year old man, never having known youth, yet never truly knowing old age either. If I really am immortal though then maybe it’s time for me to go try and free Tibet by force. Buddha knows I have the time.

Nation’s Musicians Who “Just Prefer” Asian Women Suddenly at Loss for Words

Posted on by Krissy Howard

UNITED STATES — Straight guy musicians from around the country who usually can’t shut the fuck up about how much they love Asian women suddenly have nothing to say in response to a year-long increase in hate crimes, sources report.

“I heard about the attacks and stuff, which is so crazy,” said San Francisco resident and Skits-O-Frantic frontman, Brian Talbot. “I’m just not really sure what to say, so I think the best thing to do right now is absolutely nothing at all, you can’t go wrong with that. I mean, I don’t wanna make this about me by gently telling someone that I’m thinking of them or asking how they’re doing, and then just listen without offering unsolicited advice or anything. I just don’t think that’s something anyone in pain would appreciate.”

“Plus, I think my energy is better spent pouring this into my music, because if there’s anything that can soothe the terror and rage some people are feeling, it’s a pop-punk song telling about always being there for me friends,” he added.

Countless artists who have made it a point over the years to mention their preferred racial fetish despite not being questioned about it, ever, defended their silence.

“Of course I care about Asian people. If I didn’t like them then how do you explain me being so physically attracted to the women? And I don’t even mean to sleep with just them, it’s just that natural for me! I can’t explain it,” said white guy with dreadlocks and karate enthusiast, Danny Carroll. “Plus, I consider myself a low-key Buddhist, and I spent a semester in Japan. Or, I’m planning to. I’m basically fluent in Murakami though.”

Experts in the field of basic human decency expressed exactly no surprise.

“I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but when it comes trash ass guys who have definitely used the few weeks you spent together three years ago as an excuse to make a ‘love you long time’ joke to their white friends, this is entirely expected,” said regular person who listens to people when they speak, Angelina Park. “At best, we might see a few of them somehow making it about themselves, which will at least be kind of funny group chat material as soon as it stops being unbelievably infuriating.”

At press time, several 35-year-old musicians who exclusively slept with women of East and South Asian descent in their 20s were seen turning to their white wives for comfort.

5 Lyrics From Bruce Springsteen’s “Born To Run” That I Can’t Stop Writing on Little Pieces of Paper Before Crumpling Them up and Swallowing Them Whole

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

Bruce Springsteen is the greatest musician of all time and I refuse to entertain the notion that there is anyone who comes close to His level of mastery of the written word.

I started writing His lyrics on pieces of paper and bringing them with me, as a way to empower myself. Shortly after, I began consuming them, so that I can have His power with me, always. Here are a few of the tastiest, and why I eat them:

5. “You get up every morning at the sound of the bell / You get to work late and the boss man’s giving you hell” – Night

With this, I am manifesting a life of nine to five monotony for all of my enemies. I used to think that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but now, having lived it myself, I have reconsidered. Fuck ‘em.

Nobody knows that I have powers. They can’t understand that I am not one to be trifled with and pushed around, because I am able to consume the words of Bruce Springsteen and make come alive.

4. “I want to guard your dreams and visions./ Just wrap your legs ‘round these velvet rims / And strap your hands across my engines” – Born To Run

Like many working class Americans I dream of becoming a car, and then fucking a consensual, age-appropriate partner. I don’t know if I would be dominant or submissive and I don’t really care, just as long as I am a car and my partner is a human being.

I want this to happen for me, and through Bruce, I believe it to be possible. With every swallow of these words I feel it. Little by little, day by day, I am becoming a sex car. Soon pleasures beyond the boundaries of carbon based bipeds will become known to me, all through the majesty of The Boss.

3. “Well I got this guitar, and I learned how to make it talk” – Thunder Road

I bought a telecaster at the start of the pandemic, and it’s just been sitting in a corner of my bedroom since. But around the time I started eating Springsteen lyrics the guitar actually began to speak to me. Sometimes it tells me secrets, sometimes it tells me to do things.

2. “One soft infested summer / Me and Terry became friends” – Backstreets

It would be sick to be friends with a dude named Terry. I think If I had a friend named Terry, I would tell him about my powers. The ones that let me eat Bruce Springsteen’s lyrics and manifest them into the real world. I would explain to Terry that this is NOTHING like the time I ate a bible to become God. That was crazy, and I see that now. My eyes are open Terry, it’s clear.

1. “From the churches to the jails / Tonight all is silence in the world” – Jungleland

When the world sees that I have condemned my enemies to monotony and transformed myself into a powerful sex car, all of the old institutions will crumble. No more religion, no more incarceration, no more war. Earth will become a paradise where some people are cars and other people stay human so that they can have sex with those cars.

Bruce Springsteen’s Born To Run: 3.5 Stars

Guy Grows Hair Out Just in Time to Start Losing It

Posted on by John Dixon

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local man James Bo finally fulfilled his lifelong dream of growing out his hair last month, only to discover it happened to coincide with the onset of his male pattern baldness.

“It just sucks, because I’ve always wanted to grow out my hair but something always got in the way — my parents never let me have hair past my ears, my boss and her stupid company regulations, various romantic partners, all that. But I’m a grown-ass man, and as such I can have long hair if I want,” Bo said. “But it’s not even out of the awkward stage. I’m already finding these huge clumps of hair in my brush and all over my shower curtain. My hairline is already halfway to the back of my head, and now I look like Ben fucking Franklin.”

While Bo was caught off guard by the inopportune timing, barber Lance Crawford tried to warn him for years.

“James isn’t exactly a young guy, and I’ve been cutting hair for ages, so I know the signs of impending baldness,” Crawford said. “The last time I did his hair, I warned him that he wasn’t gonna get much length to it before it started coming loose, but he claimed I was trying to convince him to keep it short because ‘long hair is bad for business’ or some shit. And I pointed out to him that he literally pays me because I’m good at this shit, but he was not having it, so more power to him, I guess. Have fun looking like Christian Bale in ‘American Hustle.’”

Beth Bell, a leading dermatologist, expounded on the nature of hair loss and the lengths to which men go to conceal it.

“Hair loss is a natural part of aging for many men, so really, the best thing to do when you notice it starting is to accept it with grace,” Bell said. “By refusing to do so and trying bizarre tactics or medical procedures, you’re joining a line of men stretching back to Julius Caesar with his laurel crown who refused to accept their hair loss. It’s led to several ludicrous fashion trends, and the same Gladiator-inspired haircut in middle aged boys from the years 2000-2003 as a result.”

Bo is ultimately joining this grand tradition by variously attempting to adopt a top knot, a comb forward, and scene-kid bangs in an attempt to conceal his ailing hairline.