UNITED STATES — Straight guy musicians from around the country who usually can’t shut the fuck up about how much they love Asian women suddenly have nothing to say in response to a year-long increase in hate crimes, sources report.
“I heard about the attacks and stuff, which is so crazy,” said San Francisco resident and Skits-O-Frantic frontman, Brian Talbot. “I’m just not really sure what to say, so I think the best thing to do right now is absolutely nothing at all, you can’t go wrong with that. I mean, I don’t wanna make this about me by gently telling someone that I’m thinking of them or asking how they’re doing, and then just listen without offering unsolicited advice or anything. I just don’t think that’s something anyone in pain would appreciate.”
“Plus, I think my energy is better spent pouring this into my music, because if there’s anything that can soothe the terror and rage some people are feeling, it’s a pop-punk song telling about always being there for me friends,” he added.
Countless artists who have made it a point over the years to mention their preferred racial fetish despite not being questioned about it, ever, defended their silence.
“Of course I care about Asian people. If I didn’t like them then how do you explain me being so physically attracted to the women? And I don’t even mean to sleep with just them, it’s just that natural for me! I can’t explain it,” said white guy with dreadlocks and karate enthusiast, Danny Carroll. “Plus, I consider myself a low-key Buddhist, and I spent a semester in Japan. Or, I’m planning to. I’m basically fluent in Murakami though.”
Experts in the field of basic human decency expressed exactly no surprise.
“I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but when it comes trash ass guys who have definitely used the few weeks you spent together three years ago as an excuse to make a ‘love you long time’ joke to their white friends, this is entirely expected,” said regular person who listens to people when they speak, Angelina Park. “At best, we might see a few of them somehow making it about themselves, which will at least be kind of funny group chat material as soon as it stops being unbelievably infuriating.”
At press time, several 35-year-old musicians who exclusively slept with women of East and South Asian descent in their 20s were seen turning to their white wives for comfort.