Disney Announces Next Marvel Show ‘Mantis, Talos, & Whoever’s Free to Film Next Tuesday’

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney has announced Mantis, Talos, & Whoever’s Free To Film Next Tuesday, a new Marvel show that will stream on Disney+ and feature at least some amalgamation of characters from the MCU.

“You loved WandaVision. You’re ready to dive into Falcon & the Winter Soldier,” read a Disney press release. “Now get ready for the MCU’s most ambitious show yet. Tune in every week to find out which actors don’t really have a lot going on right now and were willing to come down to the sound stage for a few hours.”

Fans are already buzzing about the possibilities, even though there are no firm casting details. Some theories predict that Thor, Ant-Man, and Nick Fury could all show up in the series. Behind the scenes, producers are realistically hoping someone from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. isn’t too busy with other projects these days.

“Oh right, I’m in the MCU,” said Sam Rockwell when asked about his involvement in the show. “Who am I again? Do I play one of the Guardians of the Galaxy or something? I’m in Iron Man 2? Who do I play in Iron Man 2? I mean, if Disney’s paying, sure, I’ll reprise whatever that role is for the show. Did I die in that movie?”

The project currently has no director or screenwriter attached. Disney says that it just assumes Kevin Feige or the Russo Brothers will wander in one day and figure it out.

“It’s an unorthodox production process,” admitted Disney CEO Bob Chapek, “but I’m convinced it’ll be a huge success. If nobody shows up, we’ll just film an empty street and say it’s set during the aftermath of The Snap. Real experimental, gut wrenching stuff. A meditation on the emptiness of loss, I guess.”

Despite the fact that Disney has yet to even script an episode of the show, Twitter has already managed to spoil every plot detail about the first episode.

How I Learned to Love My Body by Hating Everyone Else’s

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

I hated my body for years. No matter how much I worked out or how many compliments I guilted my friends into giving me, I detested the way I looked. That all changed one day when I had an epiphany: love is relative. That means I don’t need to appreciate my disgusting body at all! Instead, I just had to hate everyone else’s bodies so much that, by comparison, I found my body irresistible. And it worked!

To be honest, it wasn’t all that hard. Most of you people are disgusting. But even if I have to look hard, I will find your flaws. Whether you’re skinny, fat, skinny-fat, short, tall, or tall-fat, there’s something gross about each and every one of you. Like my dad always used to say, “You’re ugly and nothing will ever change that.”

But he was wrong! About me, anyway. I used to hate going to the beach because I didn’t want to be seen in a bathing suit. No more! Now, thanks to my gold medal in mental gymnastics, I hate going because I have to look at all of you in bathing suits. Even if I don’t immediately see a flaw in your appearance, your existence becomes a reminder of my own flaws—like my big fat kidneys—and how dare you bring up my big fat kidneys!

Every time I start feeling insecure, I just open my window and look outside. Your inadequacies sustain me. There was a time when I envied people who loved their bodies. Now I envy the blind. Ugly is all I see. Disgust is all I feel. But at least I don’t have body image issues anymore.

Man With Shoebox Full of Camel Cash from the 90s Considers Self Cryptocurrency Investor

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NORCROSS, Ga. — Local man Craig Barnett, who quit smoking in 1995, discovered a box yesterday filled with Camel cigarettes’s now-obsolete Camel Cash, prompting him to let everyone know he was getting into cryptocurrency, friends and family confirmed.

“I couldn’t believe it: I opened the lid to this old shoebox in my garage, and found basically my retirement fund staring me right in the face. Now that they don’t make these anymore, they must be worth a fortune,” Barnett said while trying to wipe the mold off of each slip of paper. “Now all I have to do is go online and get me some of them blockchains or NFTs. This is totally worth the 20 years of my life smoking took away from me. If you can sell a tweet, I’m sure I can sell these.”

Barnett’s wife Clara did her best to explain to him that the Camel Cash was worthless.

“You can’t even redeem it with Camel anymore,” she said. “I told him to collect Marlboro miles — they still accept those points. Before I quit smoking, I got myself a sweet Marlboro fleece, a Marlboro thermos, and a Marlboro windbreaker. Now he’s fussing about on the Internet with Bitcoins and Ethereum and he definitely doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. All he can do with them is burn them, maybe to light a cigarette. God, a cigarette sounds so good right now.”

Economist Cecelia Garcia, however, doesn’t see a problem with Barnett’s plan.

“Honestly, at this point, that Camel Cash might actually explode in value if enough suckers online think it’s worth something,” Garcia explained. “The fact that they’re called C-Notes already is in his favor; it sounds very techy and mysterious. All he has to do is hop onto Reddit under a few different usernames to spread some buzz around — he could easily make those smoke stained pieces of paper worth something.”

As of press time, Barnett was emailing the tech support person at his work to see if they can help him put the Camel Cash online.

Punk Survival Tip: How To Use Every Part of Cigarette

Posted on by Rebecca Acevedo

A person always has a razor-blade, piss, and a cigarette readily available, and whether you’re in the alley behind a bar or lost looking for a venue with an obscure door, you need to know how to utilize these tools.

As our crust-punk elders teach, it is a sin to waste any part of the cigarette. Here’s how to make the most out of that crushed loosey in your jean pocket.

Use Filters As Earplugs
Living at home with thin walls? Don’t want to hear your father telling your mother about how you need to move out? Use two filters as ear plugs and rest peacefully thinking your parents love having you home. Blissfully exist without hearing people cry because you’re not more like your brother.

Roll A Spliff
Cut the cigarette open for tobacco and use half for a spliff right now and save the other half to follow a spliff later. Cigarette meal planning saves money and stretches our resources.

Season Food
The ash is not the waste of the cigarette, it’s the seasoning. Sprinkling ash in a stew, on barbecue, or uncooked ramen gives it a nice smokey flavor. Impress your fellow punks with your culinary prowess and rich tobacco flavors.

Use The Paper To Write Lyrics
Cigarette paper can be used as a post-it note but without the sticky part. Crush up the ash to make pigment, mix it with water and with a feather pen you can write lyrics for a 2 minute song about what it was like in high school 12 years ago.

Stop Bleeding
Cigarette filters can be used to make feminine hygiene products. Scavenge for butts on the ground after a show and with enough filters make a tampon. Quadruple the number to create a panty liner.

Make Your Own Clothing
Pack a day smokers will have enough filters and paper byproduct over a year to make their own organic cigarette jacket. Use saliva-joined papers for the fabric and plenty of filters for insulation. It’s as warm as a fine down coat and WAY more hardcore then the army jacket you stole from that thrift store.

The next time you bum a cigarette off a stranger remember to thank Satan, for you can now understand the bounty he has given you.

Isolated Tribe Just Learning About Dimebag Darrell’s Death

Posted on by Laura McCarthy

TRØNDELAG COUNTY, Norway — News of departed Pantera guitarist “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott’s 2004 death just reached the isolated Kjårn tribe deep in the cold and remote fjords of Norway’s Trøndelag county, local fishmongers confirmed.

“I didn’t want to, but I had to break the news today that Dimebag Darrell was thrashing in the great beyond,” merchant Peder Nilsen said of his annual visit to the Kjårn tribe via rowboat to trade salt for boiled codfish. “They were devastated. I had only just informed them last year about Pantera’s 2003 breakup, and I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything about the Phil Anselmo bullshit. Their wounds were still too fresh, and I think it would have been too much grief for the average person to handle all at once.”

The people of the isolated tribe have reportedly been hardcore metalheads since finding Pantera’s 1992 album “Vulgar Display of Power” washed ashore in a trunk along with a boom box, sometime around the turn of the millennium.

“Every spring when I would bring berries to trade for salmon, the mind-melting cacophony of either ‘Walk’ or ‘Fucking Hostile’ would be practically blasting away their juledyrhusen,” said barterer Knut Andersen, of the Pantera music rattling the reindeer hides and wooden poles of the Kjårn’s tipi-like homes. “They love it heavy and loud, especially when they’re pickling a herring, drying a whitefish, or even flogging a mackerel to death. So essentially, at all times of day.”

Though the tribe understands that Dimebag Darrell is gone, the Kjårn’s unfamiliarity with the concept of firearms has left them confused over the details of his murder.

“Despite being from the birthplace of black metal, the only metal the stone-aged Kjårn know of is the sick and brutal onslaught of sound that Pantera epitomizes,” said cultural anthropologist Elin Haugen of the University of Oslo. “This fish-based society doesn’t have guns. But they do have Gods, and to them, Dimebag Darrell’s riffs made him a god among men. As all gods have their antagonists, the deranged fan who murdered Mr. Dimebag was likened to this archetype, and will be demonized in the tales their children will pass down to their children for years to come.”

Plans to send four wooden barrels of salted haddock to Dimebag’s widow are in the works for as soon as next spawning season.

Opinion: The MCU Needs Some Sort of Funny English Character Whose Name is Mr. Bean

Posted on by Camden Brazile

It’s no secret that the Marvel Cinematic Universe is running out of good characters. Moon Knight? Shang-Chi? Professor X? Who even are these people? Everyone who watches these movies and shows sees how clear it is that Marvel needs a new heavy-hitter to bring this failing franchise back from life support. Maybe a black woman as a hero? Perhaps a Latina or LGBT villain? Or even, I mean, just a crazy pitch off the top of my head, a funny, English guy named Mr. Bean? 

Now, I’m just spit-balling here, but personally I think that third option is definitely without question the way to go. 

Marvel says they care about representation in the MCU, but where is the representation for the clumsy? Not once have we seen a Marvel hero slip on a banana peel, or commit some social faux pas at a restaurant. Comic fans were ecstatic about what Captain Marvel contributed to the superhero genre, but I can’t help but feel they missed a huge opportunity by not having her make a funny face while a lobster pinched her on the ass. I’m not even married to the idea of this hypothetical Mr. Bean being a hero. I think a villain would do just as well. Again, this is all off the top of my head.

And before any of you diehard fanboys run to the comments to complain, let me paint you a picture. As the credits roll on Black Panther 2, suddenly the screen builds anticipation as Alan Silvestri’s Avengers score swells, when suddenly the arms of a tweed suit clasp over the legendary Infinity Gauntlet. I can practically hear the standing ovations of audiences everywhere as we speak.

You get the idea. Get creative with it. Make the character your own. All I ask is that you make him a clumsy, funny Englishman, and that you name him — and this is important — Mr. Bean. I’m an actor, so I have a really good sense of what works and doesn’t work in the film industry. I can say without a doubt that this idea would work. People would lose their shit over it, I’m sure.

Marvel, don’t do it for me, do it for the children. I think everything you’ve built will be worth it if just one uncoordinated British child stares up at that screen and feels like they matter. For casting inquiries, please contact my agents, or honestly just call me. I’m not busy.

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Man Learns Japanese So He Can Watch Kurosawa Movies Without Having to Look Up From Phone

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Self-described “cinema aficionado” Kevin Clifford has spent the past several months becoming fluent in Japanese in order to “watch” Kurosawa movies while scrolling through his phone, impressed sources confirmed.

“When you’re an active intellectual like myself, multitasking is key. So now that I speak Japanese, I can absorb a Kurosawa movie while sending emails, Facebook stalking my crush, or posting hot takes on Twitter,” noted Clifford. “It’s been pretty great so far… although I think there’s something off with the dialect the actors are using. And the dialogue seems to be really sparse, and keeps referring to events I can’t quite pick up on. Also, why are there these extended periods of zero dialogue? Not really sure why critics hold this guy in such high regard. I mean, he’s clearly no Todd Phillips.”

Clifford’s friend Rich Brooks joined for the first movie since Clifford became fluent.

“He won’t shut the fuck up about how he has ‘an ear for languages,’ so I guess that’s why he invited me over to watch ‘Ran’ — to show off that he kind of knows Japanese now,” Brooks remarked while smoking his fourth cigarette in 20 minutes. “He kept asking me to explain scenes, so I told him to just put the phone down and watch the movie, since visuals are a huge component of Kurosawa’s work, to which he reminded me that he took a film course at Oberlin and I only went to state school. When I mentioned that I’d seen this one several times and he failed his class, he shushed me because he was writing something about the scene on Reddit.”

Clifford’s wildly incorrect takes did not go unnoticed by his fellow Redditors.

“God, get a load of this fucking weeb,” said Redditor Angela Scott. “When this jackass isn’t offering overwrought opinions that have already been said dozens of times, he’s completely missing the point. And if you try to point out how wrong he is, he claims that he speaks fluent Japanese so he ‘gets’ Kurosawa more than we ever could. Then, he tried to correct me when I pointed out Kurosawa didn’t direct ‘Tokyo Story.’”

Sources say Clifford is now learning Korean so he can correct Bong Joon Ho’s interpretation of “Snowpiercer.”

Millennial Couple Takes Out Second Mortgage on Houseplant

Posted on by James Knapp

AUSTIN, Texas — Local 20-somethings Ashton Knoll and Kevin Stohl were approved yesterday for a second mortgage on their fiddle leaf fig tree, which the couple plans to invest in yet another overpriced houseplant, green-thumbed sources confirmed.

“We weren’t originally planning to take out another mortgage this year, but when I saw that white and green variegated monstera in the background of @PantslessPlantMom’s Instagram story, I just knew it was exactly what we needed to complete our apartment decor,” said Knoll while browsing planter pots shaped like pugs on Amazon. “I know it’s a risky investment, but I’m so excited to post tri-daily updates about new leaves unfurling and the plant’s opinions on Cardi B. Who needs a bed frame when you’ve got prohibitively expensive foliage to keep you cozy?”

However, Stohl is concerned by the couple’s financial standing.

“Money’s always been pretty tight for [Ashton] and I. Sometimes I don’t know where it all goes,” remarked Stohl, sitting in the couple’s studio apartment next to their vintage pogs collection. “We already maxed out our credit cards buying a fur coat for our cat, and I spent my entire inheritance on that rainbow roller skating bar crawl through downtown Austin. Man, the cost of living in this city has really gotten crazy.”

Mortgage broker Al Ronco explained how the current financial climate can influence millennial spending habits.

“A lot of millennials can’t afford any actual property, so they use whatever assets they have to finance other purchases. We’ve had people take out mortgages on single speed bicycles and box set DVDs of ‘The Office.’ One couple took out a mortgage on their landlord’s truck to pay for an in-ground pool table,” said Ronco. “Personally, a lot of it seems pretty pointless and needlessly extravagant. But hell, with interest rates this high, I’ll be able to afford a third boat now. Thanks, suckers! ”

At press time, the couple was shopping for locally sourced, organic, cruelty-free potting soil blends on Etsy while also researching the going rates for selling blood plasma.

Review: We Decide to Finally Give This Whole “Sex” Thing a Try

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Here at The Hard Times, we get a lot of questions from our readers asking for advice. While we’re happy to oblige, there are some topics we do not feel experienced enough to touch upon. In an effort to connect more with our audience, and expand our worldview in the process, we decided to finally try out some good ol’ sex.

Our review: It was icky and we’re never, ever doing it again. Don’t do sex. It’s just awful. It’s like shaking hands but with your whole body. Yuck. Regardless, a good publication seeks to share the truth so we’re taking you through all the sticky, squirmy details.

The number one thing we remember reading about sex was that protection is the top priority. But what we wish we remember reading was how bad condoms smell. And that’s BEFORE you put ’em where cooties come from. We’ve always hated the feeling of wearing rubber gloves and this is like wearing a rubber glove on your… well, you know. Actually, wait. Do you know? If so please tell us. We really wanna know if we did it right.

We also read an article about “foreplay” which we actually knew a little about seeing as were huge Boston fans. Okay, so get this. Apparently, before they even get the sex over with, some people will use their tounges to—oh God I might puke—lick each other. LIKE THEY’RE FOOD. Look, I’m a fan of licking stuff as much as the next guy. Popsicles, hot dogs, fleshlights- all acceptable options for tongue-basting. But if you told me when I was 8 that one day someone would expect me to lick their pee-pee poo-poo parts, I’d tell you exactly what I’m telling you now: Fucking GROSS.

Fortunately, our partner who we agreed to try sex on was understanding. So after making sure my genitals were sufficiently washed and even more sufficiently dried, we commenced with insertion. Which was kind of a waste considering it just got all wet anyway. Which we can admit was absolutely our second favorite part. We were shocked, however, by how wet EVERYTHING got. Our face in particular.

Our experience may have been a sticky nightmare, but at least now we can confidently look our friends, family, and coworkers in the eye and proudly proclaim that we have officially tried sex. And like anyone who’s tried sex, we can tell you it’s just as icky as our teenage neighbor told us it was right before he let us borrow his dad’s blow-up doll.

Report: Everyone Still Secretly Listening to Canceled Artist

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BOSTON — A study by researchers at MIT has found that nearly every person who has publicly denounced a canceled artist continues to listen to them when not around others.

“Contemporary social media culture has allowed a generation of slackers to pretend to be activists without doing any of the actual work involved with activism — case in point, performative statements about canceled musicians,” noted MIT scientist Dr. Lisa Olamo. “It’s not uncommon for people to get boxed into a corner when an artist they enjoy falls into the ‘canceled’ category. Since many of them hold no real firm convictions beyond attention-seeking behavior, they often resort to extreme measures to continue enjoying the music discreetly. And by ‘they,’ I mean every single person.”

Conversations with active, online music fans confirmed the MIT findings.

“Just because I like their music doesn’t mean I condone what they did. And I certainly wouldn’t buy any new content from them, but they’re a staple of my collection and I can’t just undo that,” remarked Sarah M., who asked that her last name be withheld out of fear of retaliation. “Nowadays, when I want to listen to them, I put my phone on airplane mode, drive three or four hours out of town to the parking lot of this abandoned strip mall, and pop them on my discman so there’s no digital trail. The only downside is since it’s usually at night, my partner suspects I’m having an affair… which I guess is easier to deal with than defending myself against people I don’t know on Twitter.”

Recently canceled artists expertly avoided taking a stand or making an apology.

“Whatever happened to due process, huh? Just because a dozen complete strangers come out of the woodwork with seemingly the exact same set of circumstances, you’re going to believe them?” said recently “canceled” noise artist Jamie “JK” Kimball. “It’s this fake woke, performative, cultural Marxist shit that inhibits artists like me from realizing our vision and forcing us out — just like what happened during the Holocaust for simply liking an album.”

As part of the study, notable canceled musician Avi Buffalo was disappointed to learn that no one really listened to him in the first place.