Review: The ‘Snyder Cut’ Is Whatever We Already Decided About It Before It Came Out

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

The wait is finally over. Zack Snyder’s long-anticipated redo of 2018’s Justice League, dubbed the “Snyder Cut,” is finally out on HBO Max. After watching through the entire four hour film, we can now confidently say that the superhero epic is everything we already decided it would be years ago.

The film follows the titular Justice League as they go to war with the evil Steppenwolf. The villain himself has been totally transformed here, which initially drew both praise and mockery alike in early images. No matter which side you fell on in that debate, it’s safe to say you’ll walk out of the film with the exact same opinion you walked in with, because it’s too late to admit you were wrong at this point.

Aside from the villain, fans will immediately feel the difference between the original film and the new version. Those who don’t enjoy Snyder’s signature brand of darkness will be turned off before they even turn on their TV to see what it looks like. Meanwhile, those who unabashedly love the director’s work will cheer regardless of what is happening on screen.

One of the main issues with the film, however, is that it’s a big budget superhero movie. That’s sure to be a polarizing factor for audiences. If you’re a cinephile who thinks that superhero movies are ruining the sanctity of Hollywood, don’t expect this to change your mind. Even if you kind of like it, you won’t admit it since it would run contrary to your tweets about the film from 2019.

The good news is that the Snyder Cut truly delivers a masterpiece for people who have been hailing it as a masterpiece long before it existed. It has everything a dedicated fan could possibly want: four hours worth of images that play out one after another and culminate in Zack Snyder’s name appearing on the end credits. That’s sure to fully satisfy diehards regardless of quality.

At the end of the day, watching the Snyder Cut is like voting: you can’t complain if you don’t engage. So tune in this weekend to reaffirm your beliefs that won’t change no matter how good or bad it is.

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Opinion: It’s Technically Only Mad Dog 20/20 if It’s From the Mad Dog Region of France

Posted on by Rob Walker

Listen, I’m not usually one to get snobby about alcohol but after years of refining my palette in the finest bus stations and public restrooms throughout Europe, I really must tell you that it’s technically only Mad Dog 20/20 if it’s from the Mad Dog Region of France.

What’s that? You’ve never heard of the Mad Dog region of France? I’m not surprised. The Chien Enragé region is a small hamlet in southern France and the villagers who live there are all extremely secretive about their wine-making process.

The Mad Dog vintners spend a tough growing season every year cultivating fields strawberry kiwis, buck bunny licorice, and banana reds. Since 1984, these villagers have perfected their product using only flavors specific to the region and can be found in no other wine in France or abroad.

Alright, Bill Nye, I can see I’m dealing with a wine novice here. Yes, most wines are made with grapes. Your top-shelf screw-tops like Thunderbird and Boone’s Farm all use grapes in their creation. But I’ll tell you something most sommeliers won’t, any asshole can make grape wine. You want a real challenge, make a bottle of wine out of a key lime pie and then get back to me.

Unlike those other wines, Mad Dog 20/20 is fermented with a bukake of fruits only grown in the Chien Enragé. Exotic plants such as electric melons and blue raspberries are then settled in oaken barrels and sealed with Vicks Vaporub to offset the naturally sweet nectar within. You won’t find Wild Irish Rose going that extra mile!

Really the soil is what it comes down too, you just can’t replicate it anywhere on earth. The dirt of Chien Enragé region is rich with limestone, cigarette butts and meth lab explosion debris, all of which contribute to the fruit’s flavor profile in subtle but invaluable ways.

All I’m saying is most liquor store guys don’t really know their stock, and if you’re choosing a wine for your last-minute wedding or your suicide pact, make sure that you know what you’re getting. By the way, can I borrow five bucks and a cigarette? Menthol is fine.

Roommate Insisting on Wearing Leprechaun Costume to Drink Alone in Room

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local man Shaun Clemens is reportedly planning to spend St. Patrick’s Day in his usual leprechaun costume, drinking alone in his room this year instead of celebrating in public during the pandemic.

“Paddy’s Day is my cultural heritage, and this leprechaun costume is how I express it,” said Clemens, opening a beer from the case of Guinness he purchased to consume by himself in his room, along with two bottles of Jameson whiskey. “My great-great-great grandfather came over from Ireland on the boat, I think, and this shit is part of my family. I’m not an idiot, and I won’t go to some fucking superspreader event, but there’s no way Covid can keep the Irish down. The English didn’t. The Famine didn’t. And the fucking pandemic won’t.”

However, Clemens’ roommate Justin Core had some concerns.

“I mean, I get that it’s important to him… though he doesn’t really bring up being Irish otherwise. Mostly he’s a pretty chill dude, but the costume itself is actually pretty worrying. It looks pretty expensive — like, that jacket covered in green shamrocks might actually be bespoke, but the top hat is definitely custom-made,” said Core. “I really just don’t think it’s healthy that he’s been applying spirit gum to his face to patch on that big, fake red beard for the last hour. And he hasn’t even offered me a beer.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Peter Martin was unsurprised.

“What Shaun is going through is sadly very typical right now,” said Dr. Martin. “With no expression for their one-time-a-year, wildly extroverted sense of stereotypical pride, Irish-Americans are going through a very hard time. Their inability to dress up as cartoon versions of their mythology has been curtailed, and honestly, it’s people like Shaun hit the hardest. Which is to say, dudes who are way, way too into being Irish.”

Planning ahead, Clemens reportedly called his local dry cleaner to get estimates for grooming the giant tree costume he plans on wearing while drinking alone in his room for Arbor Day.

Opinion: If Dropkick Murphy Sees His Shadow, That Means 6 More Weeks of Drinking

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

Traditions can eat a dick. They’re always accompanied by violent cultural baggage or a devastating family memory involving my Aunt. However, a few years back, a lone Irish bastard appeared from out of the bar men’s room and showed me the ways of the one tradition I do uphold. Every St. Patrick’s Day, I wait for him to come out of his bathroom stall and, if he sees his shadow, that means six more weeks of getting plastered. That man’s name is Dropkick Murphy.

This tradition is the fuckin’ tits. Every St. Paddy’s, I head down to O’Murphys Pub in Little Ireland. I drink green beer all day in anticipation for when the fabled Dropkick Murphy will emerge from his bathroom stall. And trust me, he always does.

It started one St. Patrick’s Day many years ago. I was either two or three flasks of Jameson deep. The memory is hazy because of how long it’s been. All of a sudden, the men’s room door burst open, and out stepped a punk dressed in the most bedazzled leather jacket I’d ever seen. It was covered entirely in green plaid for the occasion.

The visage lumbered over near where I was stationed at the bar and came to a halt as the bartender asked, “what’ll ya have?” The man stumbled around in place a bit before noticing his shadow draped across the mahogany bar top. In an instant, he declared six more weeks of drinking and ordered a round of shots for the bar before retreating to his porcelain god without paying.

I think everyone should start implementing this beautiful tradition into their annual StP-Day festivities. Who wouldn’t love a month and a half of Jameson for breakfast, fighting a stranger for lunch, and spewing shamrock shake into a dive bar’s shit-splattered toilet for dinner? I know I do.

Sure, if this tradition went six months we’d all be dead. But six weeks? That’s the perfect amount of time to wreak havoc on every aspect of our lives without ruining them forever. It’s like edging, but with your life.

We should get all our friends in on this tradition. The worst they can say is no. Actually, the worst they can do is stage an intervention. Trust me. But if we get them into this “tradition,” at the end of the day they’ll have to forgive us because this bender was mandated by a force greater than all of us: Alcoholism. Just kidding! That’s a classic St. Patrick’s Day joke. I am, of course, referring to Dropkick Murphy, the lord of St. Patrick’s Day or whatever.

So c’mon and join the fun! Say “fuck it” and take a shot! No one said we had to wait for Dropkick Murphy to see his shadow to start drinking. Honestly, I’m gonna keep this bender going even care if he doesn’t see it. This is still a great way to pregame Cinco de Mayo.

Irish-American Punk Band Not Very Forthcoming With DNA Results

Posted on by Ryan Danley

PHILADELPHIA — Local Irish-themed punk rock band The Drunken Fighting Lads are being suspiciously protective of the ethnic background results they received in a recent round of novelty DNA tests, sources report.

“We thought it’d be fun to get some of those 23 Ancestor things to prove to the people of Philly that we are so Irish we bleed Guinness and shit boiled potatoes. But my results must have, uhh… got lost in the mail or something. Mail ain’t the same since the Irish quit delivering it,” said lead vocalist Daniel “Danny Boy O‘Murphy” Muroski. “And the other guys must have their tests compromised — our drummer’s came back saying he’s 70% Slovakian with no connection to Ireland, but if you saw that guy drink and fight you would know he’s 100% Irish. Nobody from Eastern Europe could pull that off.”

While the band has consistently stood by their explanation, band supporter and local Irish aficionado Paul “Paddy” Schmidt is worried a larger conspiracy may be at work.

“When I saw the Lads were not coming forward with their papers, I wondered if they were being truthful about their heritage… but then I remembered the show when they broke out that amazing version of that one Pogues song, and I knew in my heart these guys were as Irish as repressed emotions,” said Schmidt from a barstool at Shamrock’s Sports Bar and Grill and Pizza Buffet. “You know the world is real prejudiced against the Irish? My guess is those DNA companies purposely mess things up to stop us from coming together and ruling the world. By the way, can I get a ride home?”

While the mystery surrounding the band’s ancestral history may never be answered, experts have seen a sharp uptick in people shielding their DNA results from the public.

“Ancestral bloodlines have many reasons to be concealed. I mean, imagine you find out you’re part Italian, and then you’re expected to be able to prepare some cacciucco for a bunch of sweaty goons down at the Rotary Club. Or, God forbid, you’re related to a Finn. A sneaky, thieving Finn is the worst,” said Seamus O’Malley, President of the American Genealogy Department at Stanford. “Plus, most of those tests are faulty anyways. The one that I took came back almost completely Irish, and everyone knows my great-grandfather married a Native American.”

Muroski was unavailable for further comment, as he was walking with his grandmother in the Polish day parade.

Man Gets 4 Episodes Into WandaVision Before Realizing He’s Actually Watching Frasier

Posted on by Naomi Krause

MADISON, Wisc. — Local Marvel fan and notorious dumbass Bailey Lynch was reportedly bamboozled into watching multiple episodes of 1993’s Fraiser under the false assumption that he was catching up on WandaVision.

“I was really into the cooky sitcom vibe and deep characterization,” said Lynch. “I kept noticing Easter eggs in the background, like how there was a spooky book in a bunch of scenes I was convinced was the Darkhold. Then I realized it was just a book on mental disorders, which still seemed pretty relevant to what I’ve heard people say about Wanda.”

Despite the signs that he was in fact watching a popular NBC sitcom from a bygone era, Lynch kept watching, and ended up getting “pretty into it.”

“My friends have been constantly mentioning how Wanda needs therapy, and this show has like fifteen therapists, so I assumed I was right on the ball,” said Lynch. “There was this scene where Fraiser was listening to a caller talk to a guy about their unhealthy relationship issues, and that hit me really hard. I thought it was the deepest line in the entire MCU.”

When pressed further on how it was possible to mix up the two shows for so long, Lynch grew somewhat combative.

“Listen, I’ve been so fucking bored during quarantine that my brain has started shutting down. I saw a goofy sitcom about a kinda bald guy with relationship issues up on the TV and it all synced up,” said Lynch. “Cut me some slack, okay?”

Pulling from personal knowledge and lore deep dives, Lynch was able to fit many of the details from Fraiser into the larger Marvel universe.

“There were outdated commercials for Cialis that I was certain were symbolic of the Mind Stone, or the Space Stone, maybe the Nexus of all Realities?” Lynch says. “I thought the length of commercials was a little silly, and it was weird how so many of them mentioned the Twin Towers, but I’m a huge Tim and Eric fan so I figured it was all part of the experience.” 

Lynch confirmed he recently started bingeing the real WandaVision, but was sort of lost on why it’s all animated.

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Girlboss? This Bad Bitch Finished a Whole Tube of Chapstick Without Losing It

Posted on by Heather Cook

We stan a queen that can achieve the impossible. A bad bitch who can pull off a miracle. A girlboss who can accomplish the Herculean task of making it through an entire tube of ChapStick without losing it.

Sure, this 27-year-old may not know how to open a bank account and she doesn’t “do technology,” but she finally saw the end of her cherry lip balm without losing it. This bonafide girlboss who can keep her lips moisturized for longer than two weeks without having to re-stock is in a league of legends on par with Frida Kahlo and Betty White.

She used to be like us regular people until she demonstrated perseverance within her that we will never be able to recreate. Like Excaliber being pulled from that rock or whatever, this girl was dubbed girlboss upon pulling that chapstick out of her clutch only to discover that it was empty.

It wasn’t easy to get here. On darker days, she would find herself making yet another midnight run to CVS to get her fix of Lip Smackers. When money was tight, she’d be on all fours searching under her dresser, screaming conspiracies about disappearing lip balm. Friends became alarmed whenever she brought up how Burt’s Bees was an inside job.

But now? This future CEO has cracked the ChapStick code and is about to gradually unswivel the glass ceiling!

If she can remember to keep her ChapStick in a designated spot in her car’s center console, then what can’t this femme warrior do? Will she be able to figure out why one of her socks always disappears whenever she does laundry? Will she finally learn how to hang a picture frame? There’s no telling how bright her future will be, but one thing is for certain, this girlboss is going places and she won’t have to borrow shit if she has dry lips when she gets there.

37-Year-Old Surprised How Susceptible to Peer Pressure He Is

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WALDORF, Md. — Otherwise well-adjusted 37-year-old adult Sean Collier realized yesterday that he still folds under the slightest peer pressure despite being decades removed from adolescence.

“Every year at family gatherings, we do this football game that I hate playing, so on the drive up, I told myself this was the year I was saying ‘no,” a dejected Collier stated. “I told my cousins that I didn’t feel like playing, I never do much when I do, and I’m always sore the day after… but then one of them starts calling me a pussy, and another starts doing this passive-aggressive speech about how even my 11-year-old cousin Katie is playing. I thought I matured past this phase of my life, but I caved like the fucking spineless cuck I am. It’s truly unbelievable how effective that chicken noise is.”

Relatives of the college graduate confirmed that they know how to “break” Collier.

“I’m just amazed how quickly he backed down,” noted cousin Blake Riordan. “We’re the same age and grew up together, so I can get inside his head a little bit if need be. Last year, he wore non-athletic shoes to get out of playing, so this year, I had an extra pair of sneakers in case he tried to pull that shit again. But if that didn’t work, we’d just start referring to him by his childhood nickname or bringing up that time he wet his pants at my ninth birthday party. Nobody actually wants him to play; we just needed to even the teams.”

Experts note that despite reaching maturity and adulthood, social gatherings that involve parties with long relationships are still ripe for destroying any independence or confidence.

“In most cases, I think Collier would’ve easily told them to fuck off and gone back inside to drink himself into a stupor like he planned to,” said psychologist Susan Winthrop. “In this instance, the closeness of the relationship and his long history with them makes it difficult, as they are privy to information and character traits Collier might otherwise keep close to the chest. That said, I can’t really fathom why he’s so concerned about the insults of people he only sees twice a year.”

At press time, Collier’s uncles were yelling at him to “walk it off” after he tore his ACL.

We Sat Down With First Wave Emo Pioneer Tom From Myspace

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Emo kids, unite! Old school emos only. So if you were there from the start, come on and pull on those skinny jeans, swoop your bangs over your eyes, and tell your mom to get the fuck out of your room, because we had the privilege of interviewing Tom Anderson, the co-founder of Myspace and the sole founder of emo music.

The first wave of emo lasted from 2002 to whenever my school got Facebook. It’s known for dyed-black hair, top 8s, and, of course, a man named Tom. A man who may be smiling in his iconic picture, but his eyes express angst more intense than any stick-thin pretty-boy can sing/scream.

The Hard Times: This is such an honor. First of all, and we’re sure you get this a lot; thank you for inventing first wave emo.

Tom: Yes, I do get that a lot. I loved that era but I hate what emo’s become. First wave emo, real emo, was cool and hip. Sure, it didn’t last super long and never managed to successfully monetize, but people still talk about it and I consider that to be the pinnacle of success.

Damn true. Music sucked before you. Everybody listened to totally lame boy bands and Britney Spears and shit. Is that why you invented emo?

Actually, let me actually stop you right there. Sure, I like early emo. And yeah, Myspace is definitely associated with “scene kids.” But in no way, shape, or form did I invent emo music. I’m not even a musician.

And humble, too! We’ll never forget the first time we heard emo on Myspace. We had no idea that music could be so personal, so raw, so vowel-less. We’re sure you know what quintessential first wave emo band we’re referring to, but thank you for introducing us to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

That is not at all who I was expecting. They’re not really even-

As you know, Almighty Creator of The First Wave, emo emerged from the hardcore punk scene. Are Fall Out Boy part of the first wave emo canon? Or are they too much of a “hardcore” band to really count?

Fall Out Boy? Don’t they just write the music for when NHL games go to commercial break?

Researching for this interview, we found claims that some band called Rites of Spring was the original emo band. But they didn’t even wear guyliner. What the fuck?

I knew this was a bad idea when I saw your email signature was lyrics to a 3OH!3 song.

Punk’s Mouth Was Actually Bleeding Before Fight Started

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WORCESTER, Mass. — Local punk Britney Callahan assured onlookers moments ago that despite the rather violent scuffle she was involved in outside the Walter’s Bar earlier this evening, her mouth had begun bleeding long before.

“Everyone kept coming up to me after the fight and asking if I was OK. Of course I’m OK; I whipped that little chode’s ass,” said Callahan. “Yeah, my mouth was bleeding profusely, but it’s because I ate a sandwich with some extra salt and that fucks me up. Plus, my mouth and gums tend to bleed like, every other day or so… along with my hands, sometimes. So, no big deal.”

While fight loser Mike Donaghy’s pride was hurt, he seemed more unnerved by the potential sanitary and hygiene issues involved.

“First of all, she jumped me from behind, so I want to get that on record. But really, her random, inexplicable bleeding is fucking gross. What the fuck?” exclaimed a disgusted Donaghy. “I guess some of this blood is mine, but if she got some of her’s on me… shit, she was definitely screaming in my face about talking during her set, so now I’m freaking out about what if I get, like, hepatitis or tuberculosis or something. She’s over there chain-smoking now and not even cleaning herself up or anything. That’s got to be a health code violation, right?”

Callahan’s friends noted that both her perpetual bleeding and dismissal were chronic.

“I’m glad Britney’s not hurt, but she should probably get that checked out,” said venue manager Terri Murphy. “That’s generally a sign of gingivitis, right? Or maybe an ulcer? Whatever it is, I’d think if my mouth was gushing blood on a regular basis, I’d be going to the free clinic. I know Brit doesn’t have health or dental insurance right now, but she can’t just let this fall by the wayside. I’m sure we could put together a GoFundMe or something to cover expenses, or she could just not pay her medical bill and let it reset after seven years or whatever that rule is.”

For her part, while Callahan is grateful for the concern, her top priority is reportedly the gash on her knee that is beginning to smell like cheese.