FCC Recommends Downloading Three Large Files a Day to Keep Internet Connection Healthy and Regular

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

WASHINGTON — In an effort to bolster the strength of the nation’s internet infrastructure, Acting FCC Chairwoman Jessica Rosenworcel issued a statement Monday advising all Americans to download three large files every day to keep their internet connections healthy and regular.

“Internet health is a serious responsibility that all of us need to take into our own hands,” said Rosenworcel, presenting a slideshow outlining the correlation between irregular file downloads and long-term internet connectivity issues. “Bad downloading habits early in life can lead to slow speeds, spotty WiFi, and even total router failure later on. That’s why it’s important to download three large files every day at breakfast, lunch and dinner time.”

Reactions to the announcement online were generally surprised, but many users say that it has made them more conscious of their internet health moving forward.

“I could definitely form some healthier downloading habits,” said one Reddit user in a pinned post responding to the announcement. “Sometimes I’ll binge-download a bunch of files late at night and my internet connection is all sluggish the next morning. It’s also almost entirely music and movies that I’m downloading, but I’d probably be doing myself some favors down the line if I threw a spreadsheet in there every once in a while. Starting tomorrow, I’m turning over a new leaf!”

At press time, experts were comparing and contrasting Rosenworcel’s recommendations with downloading habits in Europe, where many internet users substitute three large files a day with smaller file downloads throughout the day.

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Nü-Metal Band Struggles to Find Butthole Pun Good Enough to Use as Album Title

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

AGOURA HILLS, Calif. — Local nü-metal band Hog Washer can’t decide which of the countless butthole puns they thought of over the last six months would best capture their essence and serve as the title of their debut album, sources close to the band consisting entirely of adults confirmed.

“I know we need a good butthole joke in the title, but none of them have that certain ‘something’ we’re looking for, ya know?” said Hog Washer lead singer Joseph Bongino. “The little sun, twisted balloon knot, sarlacc mouth, hotdog maker, gas mouth, the end of the tummy oven, round peg, the dirty hole… none of these are good enough. I’m gonna sound like a broken record, but they just don’t have the zaz! We all laughed when our guitarist pitched ‘the cocoa stink hole,’ but it’s not right for us.”

Hog Washer bassist Mark Billingsly disagreed, declining to hop on the butthole train.

“I just think it’s played out and gross. Nü-metal has evolved, and we need to evolve with it,” explained a disgruntled Billingsly. “This genre is so much more than cheap butthole jokes — it’s so much more than dookie shoot, stomach acid sausage casing, pineapple cross section, or the ‘hole nine yards. OK… well, actually, the ‘hole nine yards is pretty funny. I should text that to Joe.”

Former Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst, however, endorsed the need for the pun.

“You gotta have a butthole pun in there. No doubt about it, that shit is important. That’s the heart of the genre, my guy,” said Durst while waiving about his own journal full of butthole jokes he’s thought of since the turn of the century. “I truly believe that you aren’t really nü-metal if you don’t have at least one album that’s a fart box pun. For ass sake, I even sneak them into my movies now, except I have to be a little more sneaky about it since I’m now a bigshot director. You know I worked with Travolta, right?”

Sources say Hog Washer is approaching a compromise, and will likely go with the classier alternative of an old fashioned dick reference.

“So, I Did a Thing,” Writes Millennial Serial Killer in Letter to Police

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — An alleged serial killer and millennial is taunting LAPD and terrorizing the city through a series of deranged, emoji-laden letters, angry and confused boomer sources confirmed.

“A body surrounded by empty La Croix cans was found in Griffith Park with the words, ‘sorry not sorry’ carved into the torso. Several days after this discovery, local police had received a letter written entirely in so-called ‘doggo speak’ taking credit for this killing, as well as several other ‘heckin’’ unsolved murders,” explained LAPD Cpt. A.J. Robinson in a press conference. “We believe that the perpetrator is a white male between the ages of 25 and 40 years old and a huge fan of ‘Garden State,’ or at least, the ‘Garden State’ soundtrack. We also believe he may have played a part in the killing of restaurants, cable TV, and the paper napkin industry.”

True crime enthusiast Elysia Metcalfe is frustrated by this new killer’s style.

“Gacy, Gein, Holmes… you know what those guys all had in common? Class. These entitled millennial psychos are just plain obnoxious,” said Metcalfe. “They just don’t make heinous sociopaths like they used to. And the way this serial killer wrote, ‘I did a thing’ in his letter to the police… ugh. If you want to brag about your ritualistic murders, just do it. Stop with the faux-modesty bullshit.”

Recently caught Gen-X serial killer “The Biloxi Bludgeoner,” Terry Jay White, aided police by sharing his experience working with millennials.

“I once had a millennial as an apprentice, but needless to say, it did not work out,” said White. “First night in the van, he immediately asked me about vacation time. Then he was too lazy to help get the victim in the car, and then he expected he’d get to handle the machete. I strangled him right then and there with his own infinity scarf.”

Based on his most recent letter, police now believe the killer may have scored a sponsorship deal with frequent podcast advertiser Leesa Mattress.

Opinion: All These Tables Need to Move Against That Wall

Posted on by Collin Canning

The world is changing and the local music scene is no different. People are bringing politics into everything, every band has opinions they’re cramming down our throats, and shows are more about the Instagram pics than the music. One thing remains constant however, and that’s the fact that all these tables gotta move up against that wall.

Right now. Get a move on! If your shitty band wants to play my limited capacity bar you’re gonna have to move them. NOW.

Punk music today is a fucking joke. Bunch of pansy SJW’s getting triggered over fucking nothing if ya ask me. People need to grow a thicker skin, buck up, and grab the other end of this table cause we gotta fold the legs in and stick it over there.

The kids gotta dance. That’ll never change. And to make that happen we gotta move ALL THIS SHIT here, to somewhere over there. So grab a corner, sweetheart, or back the fuck up and let the real men handle this. Wait, don’t back up! You were supposed to choose the first one.

God, I remember back when this scene started. Back in our day we knew how to mosh properly. We knew how to throw down with the hillbillies that came to kick our asses every night. And we knew for damn sure that all these fucking tables gotta go up against that fucking wall.

This goes for non-punk shows too. How many times have you walked into some hipster-ass cafe serving up pumpkin spice bullshit while some dumbwad strums away on an acoustic guitar without even having a decent amount of clear floor space for people to throw elbows? Do people at acoustic shows not mosh or something?! Seriously somebody tell me. I’ve never been to one.

Don’t sit there crying, saying, “Our merch is under there!” that’s just life. You can’t stand in the way of progress, especially when it’s carrying a six foot fold up table to the corner of this shithole so you can enjoy your precious little hardcore show. Like my dad always said, “I don’t care if it’s those tables or you, but somethings getting shoved against that wall.”

Punk Teens Ditch Zoom Class to Smoke Cigarettes Behind Their Laptops

Posted on by Aviva Siegel

VACAVILLE, Calif. — Punk teens and local high school students Bri Chambers and Daniel Hernandez ditched their Zoom classes late yesterday morning to smoke cigarettes behind their laptops.

“When school was happening in person, I would typically smoke behind the gym or near the bleachers with my friends, but that’s unfortunately not an option anymore,” said Millbridge High sophomore Chambers after taking a drag and coughing for what seemed like 10 minutes. “I tried tagging the back of my laptop to try and create the look and feel of the back of the school, but it’s not the same. I’m just trying to hold on to any sense of normalcy I can.”

Hernandez, a junior, believes that the back of his laptop is the ideal smoke spot.

“The space behind my laptop is usually super chill,” said Hernandez, who recently switched from smoking cloves to Camel Filters. “Sometimes if I want to pretend like I’m in class, I’ll put a background video up of me not paying attention and doodling in my spiral notebook. Seems to work pretty well. Now instead of checking to see if the vice principal is coming, I just put a towel under the door and hope my mom doesn’t try to come into my room.”

However, AP biology teacher Marcy Wyman seemed more aware of what the students were up to than they might expect.

“I know exactly what they’re doing — sometimes they forget to log out and I can see the smoke coming from behind the screen. But what am I gonna do, write them up for truancy?” Wyman stated while lighting a cigarette of her own. “I’d say something if I wasn’t so burnt out trying to maintain the attention span of 40 horned-up teenagers through a metal cube.”

In related news, several teens who attend nearby Ryston High were caught carving penis drawings into their parents’ bathroom walls today in an attempt to remember what it felt like to “hate this place again.”

‘MLB The Show 21’ Allows You to Fully Customize Overbearing Father Living Vicariously Through You

Posted on by Camden Brazile

SAN DIEGO — San Diego Studio announced today that MLB: The Show 21 will allow players to fully customize a belligerent father living vicariously through their digital ballplayer avatars. 

“We want to really immerse the players in the game, while still giving them options to encourage unique, personalized experiences,” said lead designer Jack Trusler, describing how players will be able to adjust their virtual father’s physique with a slider ranging from Husky to Very Husky. “Of course, we know that dedicated gamers will want to tweak the finer details, which is why you can also choose what soda can your father pours his liquor into, or even what baseball movie he shouts quotes from while you’re at bat.” 

Anna Luepke, an avid fan of both baseball and overbearing fathers, says that she’s excited to experience the freedom of this new system and even knows what route she will choose for her fictional father already.

“I’m so looking forward to building an in-game dad who really thinks his glory days are behind him,” Luepke explained. “My dad’s backstory is gonna be that he started pushing me to become the best after his virtual DUI. I’m sure his constant abuse of personal boundaries will help my character easily power through the Spring Training level. There’s even a rumor online that there will be a secret unlockable cutscene where your dad fights another dad at one of your college games!”

Trusler concluded the announcement of the dad customization system by teasing the more emotional elements to be revealed, such as a heart wrenching 3-hour interactive cutscene where your character lectures his father about why he has to stop telling people he’s your manager.

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Woman Concerned Relationship Might Jeopardize Incredible Sex With Friend

Posted on by Sari Beliak

TUCSON, Ariz. –– Local woman Anaya Marquez is concerned that pursuing a relationship with her friend David Alameda could jeopardize the incredible sex they’ve been having over the past year, according to sources.

“We’ve been friends with benefits for a while now, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve never thought about what it might be like if we took things to the next level,” said Marquez. “It’s such a tough call, because once you cross that line into a relationship with someone you care about sleeping with, you can’t just go back to having amazing, no-strings-attached sex like you once did. I guess I’ve just always thought of David as a fuck buddy, so it’s hard for me to throw all that away just for a chance at something healthy. We have an amazing arrangement, and I’d hate to do anything to lose that.”

Sources close to Marquez and Alameda have stressed the importance of really thinking this decision through completely.

“I totally understand the curiosity in wanting to explore if there’s something more between them, but it could really change their dynamic,” said Marquez’ roommate and friend, Zahara Dietz. “Sure, they have great sexual chemistry, but they’re just gonna throw that all away? For what? Communication and trust? That could really ruin what they’ve built, and once they do, they could never go back to what they had. And from what I can hear from my room, that kind of connection and willingness doesn’t just come along every day. It’s not worth it to lose that.”

Relationship experts warn pursuing a relationship with a slam piece can have damaging consequences.

“It’s a tough decision that many people face,” said sex therapist Hannah Briggs. “It’s important that both parties really consider the ramifications of such a big change in their arrangement. Be real with yourself and ask if you’re ready to risk losing being naked with someone just for the smallest chance of a relationship and all the headaches that come with it. You can’t just go back to being fuck buddies once you’ve crossed the line into caring about someone and know things about them.”

Briggs added that friends with benefits can work if both parties are willing to act more uninterested than the other.

How to Make Your House Show Feel More Like a Home Show

Posted on by Parker Newman

We all remember house shows — the moshing on PBR-soaked hardwood floor, the carpeted basement that feels like a cancer-sauna, and most of all, the parents who own the house that clearly shouldn’t have been parents. However, some house shows just don’t feel quite right. That’s why we’re here to show you how to turn your house show into a home show just in time for the reopening of venues.

Having a House – Now before you call me a classist cog in the bourgeoisie machine, remember that “house” is literally in the name of “house-show.” Now if you want to dig up Merriam Webster’s grave and piss on their corpse for being a fascist, go for it, but don’t come crying to me. The first thing for your house show is an actual home. The most efficient method is to rent from a trusting landlord and hope they forget and allow your lease to lapse. Once they realize their mistake, it’s time to throw one last show and move.

Decorations – If your house show has any cred, your bathroom should already be coated in stickers and everything should be broken. Next is to decorate the rest of your space with flowers and candles. Consider holiday decorations from Five Below based on the season. This will make your bands and attendees feel like they are back home from college on break, which will be very welcome considering many of them most likely would be.

Cocaine Should Only be Done In the Master Bathroom – We all know everyone at a house show is on massive amounts of drugs. Though not Prozac and Lithium or any of the drugs they should actually be on. The number one key to making your house show feel more like a home show is knowing that everyone is coked out of their mind without actually seeing anyone do cocaine. Let’s face it, it’s fun to see 10 people go into a bathroom and act like we don’t know what’s going on. Also, make sure you invite us next time.

QAnon Theory About Daylight Saving Time Makes More Sense Than Actual Explanation

Posted on by Ted Pillow

SALT LAKE CITY — A new QAnon theory circulating on message boards about the truth behind Daylight Saving Time is somehow more believable than the widely accepted explanation, according to perplexed sources.

“Daylight Saving Time confuses the hell out of me, so I tried doing a little research this year,” stated 26-year-old Kimberly Nevins. “But the more I read, the more confused I got, and I kept searching until I stumbled across this site called 8chan — there was some pretty wild shit on there, including a thread about how the time change was really an elaborate plot by Bill Clinton to hypnotize the country for an hour while he and his friends had a big orgy on the White House lawn. It sounds far-fetched, but maybe there’s something to it? Because there is seriously no way we all just pretend it’s the wrong time for like six months for a bunch of damn farmers.”

Randy Perkins, host of the far-right radio show “FactCombat,” elaborated on the increasingly popular theory involving the former president and Daylight Saving Time.

“It’s quite simple, really: Daylight Saving Time is a hoax perpetrated by the liberal elite as a form of mind control and time manipulation in order to make us all complacent and ready to be sold into the sex trade,” Perkins explained. “It didn’t exist until 1992, when it was instituted by perverted infidel Bill Clinton so that he and his satanic cabal could have a masked satanic ceremony on the White House lawn — they use TV commercials with subliminal messaging to lull the populace into a deep sleep for 60 minutes while they douse each other in pig’s blood and engage in extramarital sex. Like I said, pretty obvious.”

As the theory continued to gather steam, former President Bill Clinton issued a denial that left many still scratching their heads.

“I know these people really hate me, but even this seems like a bit of a stretch,” said Clinton. “Look, I’ve made some mistakes. I’ve even told a few lies. But I totally promise that I never earmarked $4 billion from our defense budget for the sole purpose of developing hypnotic technology that could put the nation into a trance while I banged a bunch of supermodels and pledged my undying allegiance to Satan. Really, guys, I promise!”

As of press time, Nevins was considering a QAnon theory which posited that JFK was assassinated by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Sexual Tension Grows Between Mario Kart Live and Roomba

Posted on by Lucas Johnson

NEW YORK — Remarking that there’s been a strange, horny energy in his living room ever since the two electronic devices have been home together, local technology enthusiast Reggie Marshall says that he’s noticed a growing sexual tension between his Mario Kart Live set and his Roomba. 

“At first I thought there might be a glitch happening with the Roomba’s navigation AI due to the Mario Kart Live,” said Marshall, explaining how his Roomba almost impulsively rams into the kart several times a day. “The Mario Kart Live even started throwing banana peels in front of the Roomba like it was trying to playfully make messes for it to clean up. However, something changed last week, after they knocked into each other a little too hard.” 

Marshall says from there, what originally started as a tense power-struggle has turned into a steamy love affair. 

“Suddenly, crumbs started appearing by my Nintendo Switch. Every day like clockwork, right before the scheduled clean up time.” One time, they appeared to be in the shape of a heart. But that was only the beginning. Marshall swears he “never moves it,” but he continues to find his Mario Kart Live laying around the Roomba’s docking station. He has even found a couple of Question-Mark boxes scratched into the floor underneath his dinner table. Marshall claimed that “he was cool with it” and he just wants a clean floor again. 

When asked to comment, Marshall’s blushing Roomba suggested that he spend more time outside of the house (perhaps on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 3:00 p.m.). The Mario Kart Live offered a flustered “Mama Mia!” and scooted away at a glacial pace.

At press time, Marshall reported that he was woken up in the middle of the night by loud, mechanical noises coming from underneath his bed.

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