LOS ANGELES — An alleged serial killer and millennial is taunting LAPD and terrorizing the city through a series of deranged, emoji-laden letters, angry and confused boomer sources confirmed.
“A body surrounded by empty La Croix cans was found in Griffith Park with the words, ‘sorry not sorry’ carved into the torso. Several days after this discovery, local police had received a letter written entirely in so-called ‘doggo speak’ taking credit for this killing, as well as several other ‘heckin’’ unsolved murders,” explained LAPD Cpt. A.J. Robinson in a press conference. “We believe that the perpetrator is a white male between the ages of 25 and 40 years old and a huge fan of ‘Garden State,’ or at least, the ‘Garden State’ soundtrack. We also believe he may have played a part in the killing of restaurants, cable TV, and the paper napkin industry.”
True crime enthusiast Elysia Metcalfe is frustrated by this new killer’s style.
“Gacy, Gein, Holmes… you know what those guys all had in common? Class. These entitled millennial psychos are just plain obnoxious,” said Metcalfe. “They just don’t make heinous sociopaths like they used to. And the way this serial killer wrote, ‘I did a thing’ in his letter to the police… ugh. If you want to brag about your ritualistic murders, just do it. Stop with the faux-modesty bullshit.”
Recently caught Gen-X serial killer “The Biloxi Bludgeoner,” Terry Jay White, aided police by sharing his experience working with millennials.
“I once had a millennial as an apprentice, but needless to say, it did not work out,” said White. “First night in the van, he immediately asked me about vacation time. Then he was too lazy to help get the victim in the car, and then he expected he’d get to handle the machete. I strangled him right then and there with his own infinity scarf.”
Based on his most recent letter, police now believe the killer may have scored a sponsorship deal with frequent podcast advertiser Leesa Mattress.