WORCESTER, Mass. — Local punk Britney Callahan assured onlookers moments ago that despite the rather violent scuffle she was involved in outside the Walter’s Bar earlier this evening, her mouth had begun bleeding long before.
“Everyone kept coming up to me after the fight and asking if I was OK. Of course I’m OK; I whipped that little chode’s ass,” said Callahan. “Yeah, my mouth was bleeding profusely, but it’s because I ate a sandwich with some extra salt and that fucks me up. Plus, my mouth and gums tend to bleed like, every other day or so… along with my hands, sometimes. So, no big deal.”
While fight loser Mike Donaghy’s pride was hurt, he seemed more unnerved by the potential sanitary and hygiene issues involved.
“First of all, she jumped me from behind, so I want to get that on record. But really, her random, inexplicable bleeding is fucking gross. What the fuck?” exclaimed a disgusted Donaghy. “I guess some of this blood is mine, but if she got some of her’s on me… shit, she was definitely screaming in my face about talking during her set, so now I’m freaking out about what if I get, like, hepatitis or tuberculosis or something. She’s over there chain-smoking now and not even cleaning herself up or anything. That’s got to be a health code violation, right?”
Callahan’s friends noted that both her perpetual bleeding and dismissal were chronic.
“I’m glad Britney’s not hurt, but she should probably get that checked out,” said venue manager Terri Murphy. “That’s generally a sign of gingivitis, right? Or maybe an ulcer? Whatever it is, I’d think if my mouth was gushing blood on a regular basis, I’d be going to the free clinic. I know Brit doesn’t have health or dental insurance right now, but she can’t just let this fall by the wayside. I’m sure we could put together a GoFundMe or something to cover expenses, or she could just not pay her medical bill and let it reset after seven years or whatever that rule is.”
For her part, while Callahan is grateful for the concern, her top priority is reportedly the gash on her knee that is beginning to smell like cheese.