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Don’t Let This Face Tattoo Fool You, I’m Actually Terrified of Commitment

When people look me, they see my earnest expression, my passionate eyes, and just above, below, and in between the two, they see approximately 47 face tattoos. Naturally, they see a man capable and passionate about commitment. Well, check your biases first next time you want to judge a book by its cover. Don’t let this face tattoo fool you because I shake and piss myself at the very concept of commitment.

Don’t be fooled into thinking I can commit easily just because I’ve committed to having a giant panther and a flaming skull on the side of my face until I die, most likely of an infection caused by improper tattoo aftercare.

You might be surprised to find that I’m way more impulsive and spontaneous than this facial branding will have you believe. As the story goes, I got this tat completely on a whim on an otherwise average Tuesday evening and never once considered that one day my grandkids are definitely going to see me as their “weird and emotionally unavailable grandpa with cartoon characters on his face.” That makes me really sad. Rick and Morty are so much more than just cartoon characters.

Besides, I’m a Virgo. As you know us Virgoans are notoriously bad at committing. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to change your astrological sign. You just have to lean into those assigned behavioral patterns and use it as an excuse any chance you get.