Listen, I’m not usually one to get snobby about alcohol but after years of refining my palette in the finest bus stations and public restrooms throughout Europe, I really must tell you that it’s technically only Mad Dog 20/20 if it’s from the Mad Dog Region of France.
What’s that? You’ve never heard of the Mad Dog region of France? I’m not surprised. The Chien Enragé region is a small hamlet in southern France and the villagers who live there are all extremely secretive about their wine-making process.
The Mad Dog vintners spend a tough growing season every year cultivating fields strawberry kiwis, buck bunny licorice, and banana reds. Since 1984, these villagers have perfected their product using only flavors specific to the region and can be found in no other wine in France or abroad.
Alright, Bill Nye, I can see I’m dealing with a wine novice here. Yes, most wines are made with grapes. Your top-shelf screw-tops like Thunderbird and Boone’s Farm all use grapes in their creation. But I’ll tell you something most sommeliers won’t, any asshole can make grape wine. You want a real challenge, make a bottle of wine out of a key lime pie and then get back to me.
Unlike those other wines, Mad Dog 20/20 is fermented with a bukake of fruits only grown in the Chien Enragé. Exotic plants such as electric melons and blue raspberries are then settled in oaken barrels and sealed with Vicks Vaporub to offset the naturally sweet nectar within. You won’t find Wild Irish Rose going that extra mile!
Really the soil is what it comes down too, you just can’t replicate it anywhere on earth. The dirt of Chien Enragé region is rich with limestone, cigarette butts and meth lab explosion debris, all of which contribute to the fruit’s flavor profile in subtle but invaluable ways.
All I’m saying is most liquor store guys don’t really know their stock, and if you’re choosing a wine for your last-minute wedding or your suicide pact, make sure that you know what you’re getting. By the way, can I borrow five bucks and a cigarette? Menthol is fine.