WALDORF, Md. — Otherwise well-adjusted 37-year-old adult Sean Collier realized yesterday that he still folds under the slightest peer pressure despite being decades removed from adolescence.
“Every year at family gatherings, we do this football game that I hate playing, so on the drive up, I told myself this was the year I was saying ‘no,” a dejected Collier stated. “I told my cousins that I didn’t feel like playing, I never do much when I do, and I’m always sore the day after… but then one of them starts calling me a pussy, and another starts doing this passive-aggressive speech about how even my 11-year-old cousin Katie is playing. I thought I matured past this phase of my life, but I caved like the fucking spineless cuck I am. It’s truly unbelievable how effective that chicken noise is.”
Relatives of the college graduate confirmed that they know how to “break” Collier.
“I’m just amazed how quickly he backed down,” noted cousin Blake Riordan. “We’re the same age and grew up together, so I can get inside his head a little bit if need be. Last year, he wore non-athletic shoes to get out of playing, so this year, I had an extra pair of sneakers in case he tried to pull that shit again. But if that didn’t work, we’d just start referring to him by his childhood nickname or bringing up that time he wet his pants at my ninth birthday party. Nobody actually wants him to play; we just needed to even the teams.”
Experts note that despite reaching maturity and adulthood, social gatherings that involve parties with long relationships are still ripe for destroying any independence or confidence.
“In most cases, I think Collier would’ve easily told them to fuck off and gone back inside to drink himself into a stupor like he planned to,” said psychologist Susan Winthrop. “In this instance, the closeness of the relationship and his long history with them makes it difficult, as they are privy to information and character traits Collier might otherwise keep close to the chest. That said, I can’t really fathom why he’s so concerned about the insults of people he only sees twice a year.”
At press time, Collier’s uncles were yelling at him to “walk it off” after he tore his ACL.