Here at The Hard Times, we get a lot of questions from our readers asking for advice. While we’re happy to oblige, there are some topics we do not feel experienced enough to touch upon. In an effort to connect more with our audience, and expand our worldview in the process, we decided to finally try out some good ol’ sex.
Our review: It was icky and we’re never, ever doing it again. Don’t do sex. It’s just awful. It’s like shaking hands but with your whole body. Yuck. Regardless, a good publication seeks to share the truth so we’re taking you through all the sticky, squirmy details.
The number one thing we remember reading about sex was that protection is the top priority. But what we wish we remember reading was how bad condoms smell. And that’s BEFORE you put ’em where cooties come from. We’ve always hated the feeling of wearing rubber gloves and this is like wearing a rubber glove on your… well, you know. Actually, wait. Do you know? If so please tell us. We really wanna know if we did it right.
We also read an article about “foreplay” which we actually knew a little about seeing as were huge Boston fans. Okay, so get this. Apparently, before they even get the sex over with, some people will use their tounges to—oh God I might puke—lick each other. LIKE THEY’RE FOOD. Look, I’m a fan of licking stuff as much as the next guy. Popsicles, hot dogs, fleshlights- all acceptable options for tongue-basting. But if you told me when I was 8 that one day someone would expect me to lick their pee-pee poo-poo parts, I’d tell you exactly what I’m telling you now: Fucking GROSS.
Fortunately, our partner who we agreed to try sex on was understanding. So after making sure my genitals were sufficiently washed and even more sufficiently dried, we commenced with insertion. Which was kind of a waste considering it just got all wet anyway. Which we can admit was absolutely our second favorite part. We were shocked, however, by how wet EVERYTHING got. Our face in particular.
Our experience may have been a sticky nightmare, but at least now we can confidently look our friends, family, and coworkers in the eye and proudly proclaim that we have officially tried sex. And like anyone who’s tried sex, we can tell you it’s just as icky as our teenage neighbor told us it was right before he let us borrow his dad’s blow-up doll.