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Millennial Couple Takes Out Second Mortgage on Houseplant

AUSTIN, Texas — Local 20-somethings Ashton Knoll and Kevin Stohl were approved yesterday for a second mortgage on their fiddle leaf fig tree, which the couple plans to invest in yet another overpriced houseplant, green-thumbed sources confirmed.

“We weren’t originally planning to take out another mortgage this year, but when I saw that white and green variegated monstera in the background of @PantslessPlantMom’s Instagram story, I just knew it was exactly what we needed to complete our apartment decor,” said Knoll while browsing planter pots shaped like pugs on Amazon. “I know it’s a risky investment, but I’m so excited to post tri-daily updates about new leaves unfurling and the plant’s opinions on Cardi B. Who needs a bed frame when you’ve got prohibitively expensive foliage to keep you cozy?”

However, Stohl is concerned by the couple’s financial standing.

“Money’s always been pretty tight for [Ashton] and I. Sometimes I don’t know where it all goes,” remarked Stohl, sitting in the couple’s studio apartment next to their vintage pogs collection. “We already maxed out our credit cards buying a fur coat for our cat, and I spent my entire inheritance on that rainbow roller skating bar crawl through downtown Austin. Man, the cost of living in this city has really gotten crazy.”

Mortgage broker Al Ronco explained how the current financial climate can influence millennial spending habits.

“A lot of millennials can’t afford any actual property, so they use whatever assets they have to finance other purchases. We’ve had people take out mortgages on single speed bicycles and box set DVDs of ‘The Office.’ One couple took out a mortgage on their landlord’s truck to pay for an in-ground pool table,” said Ronco. “Personally, a lot of it seems pretty pointless and needlessly extravagant. But hell, with interest rates this high, I’ll be able to afford a third boat now. Thanks, suckers! ”

At press time, the couple was shopping for locally sourced, organic, cruelty-free potting soil blends on Etsy while also researching the going rates for selling blood plasma.