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Report: Everyone Still Secretly Listening to Canceled Artist

BOSTON — A study by researchers at MIT has found that nearly every person who has publicly denounced a canceled artist continues to listen to them when not around others.

“Contemporary social media culture has allowed a generation of slackers to pretend to be activists without doing any of the actual work involved with activism — case in point, performative statements about canceled musicians,” noted MIT scientist Dr. Lisa Olamo. “It’s not uncommon for people to get boxed into a corner when an artist they enjoy falls into the ‘canceled’ category. Since many of them hold no real firm convictions beyond attention-seeking behavior, they often resort to extreme measures to continue enjoying the music discreetly. And by ‘they,’ I mean every single person.”

Conversations with active, online music fans confirmed the MIT findings.

“Just because I like their music doesn’t mean I condone what they did. And I certainly wouldn’t buy any new content from them, but they’re a staple of my collection and I can’t just undo that,” remarked Sarah M., who asked that her last name be withheld out of fear of retaliation. “Nowadays, when I want to listen to them, I put my phone on airplane mode, drive three or four hours out of town to the parking lot of this abandoned strip mall, and pop them on my discman so there’s no digital trail. The only downside is since it’s usually at night, my partner suspects I’m having an affair… which I guess is easier to deal with than defending myself against people I don’t know on Twitter.”

Recently canceled artists expertly avoided taking a stand or making an apology.

“Whatever happened to due process, huh? Just because a dozen complete strangers come out of the woodwork with seemingly the exact same set of circumstances, you’re going to believe them?” said recently “canceled” noise artist Jamie “JK” Kimball. “It’s this fake woke, performative, cultural Marxist shit that inhibits artists like me from realizing our vision and forcing us out — just like what happened during the Holocaust for simply liking an album.”

As part of the study, notable canceled musician Avi Buffalo was disappointed to learn that no one really listened to him in the first place.