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We Sat down with Tim Allen Because I Was Hoping He Still Had a Coke Hookup

After decades in television and cinema, if there’s one thing people remember about Tim Allen it’s the name he made for himself as an icon. After a successful stand-up comedy stint, he became America’s favorite tool-loving father Tim Taylor. He even went on to star as a beloved children’s character! Buzz something!

Ok, look, we’re just gonna be honest. We’ve never watched any of this guy’s bullshit. We saw a YouTube video last night that said he used to sell coke. He even got busted in Kalamazoo and did time! Well, things have been a bit scarce since the pandemic so we figured this was our ticket to a “snowy weekend” on “Mt. Nose.”

The Hard Times: Welcome Tim! So I hear you have a show or a movie or some talking toy bullshit coming up soon?

Tim Allen: Umm, yeah, I do. I am going to have a reunion show with my old costar. Hey, are you ok? You’re sweating a lot.

Yeah, yeah. All good. So you’re from Michigan, right?

Sure am. Go Spartans!

Right, right. You still hang around with the old Kalamazoo crew at all?

Not really. Hey, wait. Are you actually from People magazine?

Fuck yeah I’m from People magazine! I’m a person, aren’t I?? So nobody from Kalamazoo? No old “work buddies” or anything?

Why did you put work buddies in air quotes? What’s going on here?

It’s a simple fucking question, Tom. Do you still hang out with your old crew or not? Word is that you like to “party”.

Did you really set up this interview just to ask me for a coke hookup? Look, I’m not that guy anymore. I believe in clean, honest living. I do not have the number of any of my old contacts, nor would I give it to you if I did! If you want to ruin your life with cocaine, you’ll just have to find another celebrity to help you do it. Here’s Aaron Sorkin’s number.

Cool. Bye.

People magazine is out of control.