ATLANTA — Stay-at-home mother Mary Benson wishes that her husband, Atlanta Sheriff Rick Benson, believed her explanations of the goings-on in their home as much as he believes the ramblings of white shooters he encounters on the job, she declared.
“When Rick gets home from work and he asks how my day was, I’ll say something like, ‘I made a stop at the bakery,’ and he immediately interrupts and asks if I’m fucking the baker,” whispered Benson, who regularly texts her husband selfies to prove she is running her normal errands and not cheating on him. “And yet, when some incel can’t contain his hate anymore and murders innocent people working hard to make ends meet, my husband takes those excuses at face value. It’s frustrating, but I guess it’s just part of the duty of being a police wife.”
Sheriff Benson reflected while apprehending Alex Friedkins, yet another white shooter.
“It’s a shame, really. This kid Alex can’t find a girl to date him despite his impressive Reddit karma, hentai collection, and ginger mutton chops,” stated Sheriff Benson, who shared his Twix candy bar with Friedkins immediately after apprehending him. “But he says he’s a God-fearing Christian, and I’m inclined to believe him. I’m happy that I don’t have to be a young person in 2021 — everyone gets so offended if you demand a date from some pretty girl you just met and cornered at a bar with your holstered gun clearly visible. That’s how I met my wife, Mary.”
Experts posit different theories as to why officers tend to trust perpetrators more than their loved ones.
“The crime has already been committed, so the accused don’t really have anything to gain by lying,” stated retired Atlanta police chief Ian Yarbrough, who keeps in touch with multiple white shooters via a regularly scheduled Zoom trivia night. “Now, my wife on the other hand? There is so much better dick out there that she could get, and there’s no way she would be open about it or attempt to divorce me. This police pension is no joke.”
Sources close to Mrs. Benson report that, in a desperate attempt to increase the trust in her marriage and save her relationship, she plans to shoot up a donut shop next week while her husband is on duty.