We Finally Found Out What the All-American Rejects’ Dirty Little Secret Was and Turns Out It’s Mostly Tax Stuff

Posted on by Zach Raffio

Move over, Geraldo Rivera! We uncovered the All-American Rejects’ dirty little secret. That’s right. We finally got to the bottom of the inspiration behind the 2005 pop punk classic “Dirty Little Secret.” In a genre tainted by scandal, we’re here to blow open the dirtiest, best-kept secret in pop punk. We know the scandalous truth behind this iconic song and the law-breaking boys who wrote it and, well, turns out it was mostly just tax stuff.

Oh well. Get ready anyway, ’cause we’re still spilling all the IRS-regulated and monitored tea, baby!

The ‘Merican Rejects ultimately filed as freelancers for the 2005 fiscal year, qualifying according to the specificity listed under the United States’ standard treasury regulations (or 26 C.F.R., if we’re referencing the internal revenue code before its most recent amendment). However, they didn’t properly file each 1099. Instead, they issued several 1040-ES forms to calculate their estimated taxes on a quarterly basis rather than annual. My God. The bad boys of mid-2000s heartthrob guitar pop are even badder than we thought.

In retrospect, we should have caught on sooner. “I go around a time or two, just to waste my time with you” may sound like the words of a yearning Warped Tour closer, but they actually refer to the overtime hours logged by the band, but not signed off by a Warped Tour supervisor. Therefore, these cannot be verified as hours qualifying for payable wages. Quite the dirty secret. Just not so little after all.

“These sleeping dogs won’t lie” is actually a reference to Sleeping Dogs Accounting, a firm that the boys hired to assess their mishandling of the 2005 filing, who did not hold back in telling them that their taxes were absolutely a mess and they would almost definitely be audited.

Finally, the chorus’s defiant “who has to know?” references their attempt to cover up the mistake and pay back taxes for the 2006 fiscal year — a move which is actually pretty smart, from a pecuniary standpoint.

In conclusion, “Dirty Little Secret” isn’t about a romantic folly or a naughty indulgence, but simply a light case of tax fraud followed by a hasty coverup that would be cleared with plenty of time for the boys to release their next major hit, the incomparable “Gives You Hell.”

Fun bonus fact: Gives You Hell isn’t about getting revenge on an ex either, but actually about New York City real estate agent Marv Toolks, who showed the boys several charming two bedrooms with outdoor space and a dishwasher in Hell’s Kitchen.

Billy Corgan Wakes Up, Makes Coffee, Settles In for Another Day of Writing 5-Star Smashing Pumpkins Album Reviews on Amazon

Posted on by John Danek

CHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan made some coffee before launching into yet another day of writing 5-star reviews of his own works on Amazon.com, the singer disclosed.

“It’s important to have a daily ritual to keep creativity flowing. I make a special blend of coffee with beans I get from Chile, then spend 4-to-12 on Amazon writing glowing reviews about each one of the albums I made with the Smashing Pumpkins,” said Corgan, who prefers his coffee made with half Aeropress and half pourover. “But sometimes a routine can start to feel stale, so I break it up by also writing 5-star reviews of Zwan and my solo discography. It’s important to find your inner truths and share them with the world. Especially if those truths are about some of the greatest albums in the history of music.”

Longtime friends of Corgan claim that he has exhibited these narcissistic patterns since youth.

“I’m not surprised at all. He used to write ‘A+ 100%’ in red ink on all of his English papers before turning them in. It confused and annoyed the shit out of our teachers,” admitted childhood friend Danielle Baker. “And in high school, his talent show act was a speech where he accepted the award for winning the talent show. He didn’t actually win, but everyone felt so weird about it that we all just sort of let it happen. One time he opened all the presents at my birthday party, so my parents never invited him back.”

Amazon employees were quick to address concerns that their systems could be manipulated by egocentric musicians.

“You can’t just keep writing 5-star reviews for your own band’s work. We can easily detect review manipulation, and we delete any redundant or false reviews. By now, we have his IP address recognized and we have his posts set to auto-delete after 3 seconds,” stated Amazon.com quality assurance engineer Eileen Yanovich. “But the weird thing is that we’ve emailed Mr. Corgan multiple times to tell him that we do this. I think he just does it for himself at this point. No one ever sees what he writes. These aren’t short reviews, either. It’s really sad when you think about it.”

Sources indicate that Billy Corgan switches up his routine every March 17, when he spends the day writing “Happy Birthday Billy!” on his own Facebook wall.

Real Life “Ocean’s Eleven”? Each Employee at This Cracker Barrel Plays a Unique and Important Role

Posted on by Tom Peters

“Ocean’s Eleven” is a 2001 heist classic starring George Clooney as the wry and charismatic Danny Ocean, who leads a team of thieves, each with their own field of expertise, to orchestrate the biggest score in history.

Like all of you, I watched the Ocean’s movies imagining myself as part of the gang, rubbing shoulders with Brad Pitt or cracking wise with the lovable Cockney Don Cheadle. But what if I told you that the sophisticated professionalism and teamwork of the OCU doesn’t just exist on the big screen, and that there’s a place where it’s served up every day with a side of southern hospitality?

Here at Cracker Barrel, everyone brings their own unique skill to the table, whether it’s board folding shirts or balancing an arm’s length of biscuit baskets, all to pull off a job that would make Matt Damon blush: the after-church lunch rush!

Our elite team of all-stars work in tandem using high tech radio earpieces to make off with your customer satisfaction, and the pride of creating an unforgettable dining experience is a bounty we don’t have to split eleven ways.

Let’s consider a possible high-stakes scenario one might encounter on the job: A family of four just finished their third game of rug checkers, and they’re starting to get antsy. They want to know when their table will be ready. But word comes over the radio from Lesley that table 18 won’t budge until they’ve mastered the triangle peg game, and Kayleigh says table 7 just found another razor blade in a hamburger. “Stall! Stall!” What would Clooney do?

Time to call in the heavies. Our Retail Sales Associates swoop in just in the nick of time. BOOM, Rachel drops a Weasel Ball to distract the kids while Katelynn talks to the parents about our extensive picture disc vinyl selection, which includes the Purple Rain soundtrack for some reason.

Meanwhile, Ricky helps 18 solve the golf tee puzzle while busing their dishes, and before you know it, it’s time to show our family to their table. Whew! I’d like to see Julia Roberts keep her cool during that trial by combat.

Also, the people in the kitchen make the food.

Anyway, that’s it for orientation unless you have any questions. Employees park in the back lot, and remember — here at Cracker Barrel, as long as you aren’t gay, black, or disabled … you’re family.

28-Year-Old Just Getting Into Skateboarding Highly Overestimating Its Sex Appeal

Posted on by Heather Cook

NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — Local failure Max Kugler was reportedly sighted practicing his ollies at the Haledon Skate Park on Saturday night in a last-ditch effort to attract women, unimpressed sources confirmed.

“No woman can resist the dangerous charm of a bad boy on a beat-up skateboard,” said Kugler while struggling to maintain balance. “I mean, I just bought this board yesterday so I had to throw it in the dirt and scratch it up on a parking block to make it look like I know what I’m doing. Once I learn to land a kickflip it’s game over. Sure, all my exes thought it wasn’t attractive that I’m still living in my parent’s basement, but when some gorgeous gal sees me grinding down a rail at the 7-Eleven, she’ll forget all about that other stuff. These chicks are going to be too distracted by the pure sexual musk of my skateboard sweat to be thinking about the fact that my mom dropped me off here.”

Local punk Camila Ortega witnessed Kugler’s pathetic display in various local hot spots.

“Earlier today I saw him completely eat shit when he tried to ride over a speed bump in the mall parking lot. I think he hurt his wrist pretty bad and he might have been crying,” said Ortega. “Most women his age are already over their ‘gross skateboarder’ phase, so it seems like he’s wasting his time. Even dudes that are good at skateboarding need to learn that having a solid tre flip isn’t enough for you to be interesting.”

According to Dr. Bethany Davis, an expert in the psychology of aging millennials at Brown University, this kind of behavior is not rare amongst desperate men.

“This is a common mistake for men approaching their thirties,” said Davis. “During a recent case study, we found that men having a quarter-life crisis will stoop to embarrassing measures to attract women, whether it’s taking up skateboarding, starting a ska band, or starting a podcast about conspiracy theories. Unfortunately, one hundred percent of these efforts result in failure to obtain a girlfriend.”

At press time, Kugler was back at home recovering and making a promise to himself that this is the year he finally tries stand-up comedy.

Photo by Rob Gregor

From Ballroom Bruce to the Sweaty Oligarch, We Rank the Lesser Personas of David Bowie

Posted on by Dan Rice

David Bowie re-wrote the book on what it means to be a pop icon. Through his era-defining characters and alter egos, he was able to capture the cultural zeitgeist at any given moment in time and make it his own. But this knack for self actualization didn’t come overnight. As this list will show, there were more than a few missteps along the way.

Today we look back on the less successful alter egos of David Bowie, and rank them from worst to slightly better than worst.

#9. The Horse Cowboy
Early in his career, Bowie was obsessed with succeeding where Marc Bolan failed and cracking into the American charts. Unfortunately, as this early character proves, his knowledge of the American lexicon was not quite up to task yet.

The Horse Cowboy wore a 10 gallon hat and blue jeans, carried a Tommy gun and ran a private detective agency. He chewed cigarettes, enjoyed watching basey-ball on the teli-viewer and lived inside a giant microwave oven. His band, The Wild Quarterbacks, consisted of Al Capone, The Statue of Liberty and an Oscar-Myer hot dog.

#8. Velvet Hitler
Parallels between fashion and fascism would pop up in Bowie’s work throughout his entire career, but this persona may have been a little too on the nose.

#7. The Taxpayer Man
Perhaps inspired by events in Bowie’s personal life (he was doing his taxes at the time), 1989’s “Scary Deductions and Diminishing Returns” featured an alter ego distinguished by his trademark green visor and general anxiety about getting his taxes done on time. Critics and fans alike found songs like “W2’s Wblues” and “Number of Dependents on Mars” to lack the soul and personal touch of his previous work, and the character was swiftly abandoned.

#6. The Sweaty Oligarch
A powerful businessman with untold political influence who was constantly drenched in sweat due to a glandular problem, this character proved too annoying to explain all the time.

#5. Rasta-man
The shortest lived of Bowie’s alter personas, The Rasta-man existed for a total of 5 seconds and was witnessed only by guitarist Mick Ronson. According to Ronson, Bowie found a Rastafarian wig backstage, put it on, looked in the mirror and said “I’m the Rasta-man… no, that’s offensive.” While Bowie probably made the right choice, Ronson has since stated in interviews that he felt the character was abandoned prematurely, saying, “For 3 seconds I believed he was the Rasta-man.”

#4. The Crocodile
One night during the tail end of the Ziggy Stardust tour, Bowie put on a crocodile costume and said “I’m the Crocodile now.” After a few songs, he felt silly and took it off.

#3. Mother’s Day Carl
Somewhere between Major Tom and Halloween Jack came Mother’s Day Carl, an intrepid deep sea explorer who enjoyed cross dressing as an elderly matriarch. The character was presumably killed off after a cryptic distress message to Ocean Control, though some say he’s still down there jamming out with his band of rocktopuses and groove gullies.

#2. The Thin White Duke (aka The Thin White Duke 2)
It is widely known amongst fans that David Bowie recorded “Station to Station” under the influence of so much cocaine that when he finally sobered up he had no memory of making it. What is lesser known is the fact that shortly after this memory loss, David Bowie re-arrived at his idea for the Thin White Duke character independently and recorded an album that was, note for note, “Station to Station.” He called the album “Station to Station,” and while critics (fairly) wrote it off as “highly derivative” of his previous efforts, it is amongst the more popular albums on this list. This is due to the fact that many fans own a copy of this album without even knowing it, as it is impossible to decipher a copy of “Station to Station” from a copy of “Station to Station.”

#1. Ballroom Bruce
Spawned shortly after his Halloween Jack period, Ballroom Bruce was a post-apocalyptic small venue singer who sported a blue velvet tux and an eye patch. He and his band The Platinum Penguins roamed the irradiated wastelands playing wedding receptions, bar mitzvahs and school dances. Performing only small rooms at $200 an hour, this was technically Bowie at his most accessible, but it didn’t catch.

Punk Cousin Unaware He’s Family’s Cautionary Tale

Posted on by Mark Hassenfratz

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local punk and 31-year-old adult man Kenny Whalen remains blissfully unaware that he is the Whalen family’s cautionary tale, concerned sources confirmed.

“We had high hopes for our little Kenny. We gave him every advantage — a good school, a stable, upper-middle class upbringing, and a supportive family, but according to him, that’s all ‘conformist bullshit,’” said Whalen’s mother, Marie. “I prayed he would end up being a doctor like his father or a lawyer like his uncle, but to be honest, he’s been downhill ever since he shoplifted that Green Day CD from the mall back in 2004. Hopefully he’ll eventually marry someone 15 years younger than him who can straighten him out.”

Whalen continues to be totally ignorant of his status as the family’s warning story by committing to a “rad as fuck” daily routine, which takes up much of his time.

“Most days I wake up around noon thirty, either on the floor or couch. Then I’ll go see my buddies Bonesaw and Chump. We’ll hang out and write songs for our anarcho-crust noisecore project Wasted Anus,” Whalen explained. “I’m just killing time here till that project really takes off. I’m in the prime of my life and fucking loving it, and it’s only gonna get better from here, which I’m sure will start happening soon. Sure, it may be a bit of a janky beginning, but that’s how all the greats started!”

Despite frequent criticism from his family, Whalen’s presence has left a positive impact on impressionable youngsters, like Whalen’s eight-year-old cousin, Brandon Dobbs.

“Cousin Kenny is so cool! I wanna be just like him when I grow up, even though he said growing up is for suckers and posers,” Dobbs stated. “It’s so much fun when we throw moldy old vegetables at cop cars. They get real mad, and they chase us, but they never catch us! Teacher says Kenny is a ‘bad influence’ but I think he’s a rad influence! He taught me that. Next weekend we’re gonna pour sugar in Principal Monroe’s gas tank! I can’t wait!”

At press time Whalen and his young cousin were spotted throwing lit bottle rockets at each other in a school parking lot.

That Guy From 127 Hours Cuts His Arm off and He’s a Hero, I Cut My Arm off To Collect Insurance Money and I’m a “Fraud”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

I can’t help but laugh at how hypocritical this country is. Everywhere I turn I see people saluting Aron Ralston as a hero, just because a rock fell on his arm when he was hiking alone and he cut it off to save his own life. Yet here I am, fighting with my insurance company every damn day because they think the chainsaw accident that cut my arm off was “planned” and “the very definition of fraudulent.”

The insurance company says the Home Depot security footage they obtained is “irrefutable proof” that my arm loss was no accident. I’ve seen movies. I know there is a lot that people can do with special effects. Regardless, they said multiple employees of the store are ready to testify against me who are claiming that I offered them “$100 from a giant insurance payout” if they would fire up a Stihl and “lop off ol’ lefty.” I’m sorry, but last I checked I was pretty sure Home Depot employees are unreliable liars. It’s why I exclusively shopped at Lowe’s back when I had both my arms.

What really makes me sick to my stomach is the fact that they are bringing in children as witnesses to prove their case. These stuffed suits are saying — and this is bullshit — that while my arm was being chopped off I was screaming, “Hey kids! I’m going to be as rich as Donald J. Trump, but not as handsome.” Apparently, one of these kids was so traumatized by the amount of blood that they are no longer speaking. So, how exactly is this silent weirdo supposed to prove that I did this on purpose?

I’m sure there are plenty of stories of people exactly like me, a guy who secured a chainsaw under bags of concrete so the blade was exposed and running at full speed, then just happened to drop his Michelob Light directly beneath the running saw and quickly stood up, severing most of his arm, then in a panic, did absolutely anything he or she could to cut through the more stubborn ligaments. It’s a tale as old as time.

But no, I get it. You cut your arm off with a knife out in the middle of nowhere and it’s a testament to how strong a human’s will for survival is. However, losing an arm is not always going to mean Jame Franco plays you in a movie. Sometimes, you end up spending six weeks in a mental health facility because people are worried about what you might cut off next.

Just give me my fucking money before a brand new riding lawnmower happens to take both my feet at a home and garden convention.

Sleep Paralysis Demon Scared off by Buckcherry Poster

Posted on by Ken Taro

DALLAS — Local sleep paralysis demon and archetypical projection of humanity’s deepest fears, Edgar, was frightened away from a routine haunting after spotting a Buckcherry poster in a grown man’s bedroom, according to sources.

“I’ve been in this game for centuries, and have been haunting this guy for more than 20 years. Never in my life have I been so terrified as I was that night,” said Edgar, of the poster held to his victim’s wall by thumbtacks. “I heard that ‘Crazy Bitch’ song when I saw it and haven’t been able to get it out of my head since. I’m starting to think that I’m the one who has truly been haunted. I’m downright terrified to close my eyes now.”

Following the gruesome discovery, Edgar has plans to make it clear to the powers that be that he has had enough and may need some time off.

“At the next demon meeting, I’m telling the council that I’m out of there. There’s this other demon from Florida who likes to get down to bands like Staind and Godsmack, so I will recommend her for the job,” he explained from behind the figure of a tall shadow in a hat. “The image of that man sleeping peacefully with that damn poster above his head is going to give me nightmares forever. I was only a month away from earning my horns, so this transfer is going to cost me, but it’s gotta be done. Keeping people up at night isn’t worth a damn if it does the same thing to me.”

The owner of the poster, Dominic Nucci, was surprised to find that he had slept peacefully for an entire week.

“Ever since I put up the poster, I’ve been getting my full 14 hours every night,” said Nucci. “I’m not totally sure if it’s related or what, but I know I like looking at it, which I’ve heard can be a real perspective shifter. Like a vision board or something. My mom got it for my birthday. Usually she’s annoying, but she really came through this time. The poster looks really great when it’s lit up by my lava lamp.”

Edgar later recalled seeing a 3 Doors Down CD on Nucci’s floor years ago during an EMDR session with his therapist, and could have kicked himself for missing that red flag.

We Set Out To Find the Best Glue for Huffing and Did Not Make It Very Far

Posted on by Dan Rice

For better or worse, the origins of punk rock will forever be intrinsically tied to the practice of huffing glue. For some in our subculture it’s a hurtful stereotype, dismissive of the systematically reinforced substance abuse problems that plague the lower class. For others, it’s how they’re going to get through the next four hours of pyramid scheme cold calling without killing someone.

Regardless of where you stand, it’s hard to dispute the fact that risking brain function for one of the dirtiest, cheapest and most fleeting highs possible is, at least on paper, pretty fucking punk.

While it’s not a practice we condone in any way shape or form, we thought it was important to determine which glue was the most punk. After all, you don’t want to permanently lose motor function on half your body and be a poser, right? We had our shadiest intern gather the 20 most commonly abused glues and set out to definitively rank them.

We made it as far as two, and it was the most terrifying and alienating experience of our lives. Let’s count ’em down!

#2 – Torchsmell Fast-dry Liquid-cement
This huff makes the very bottom of our list largely because it was the first one we tried. It turns out glue-high is an acquired taste, sort of like blue cheese if blue cheese made you feel like you were turning to stone and on fire at the same time. You have to burn through a lot of brain cells before you start thinking the experience is desirable.

The bouquet is pungent and jarring, with major notes of Satan’s mutated asshole and a fresh juniper berry finish. The aroma segues wonderfully into the inhalant’s trademark stinging sensation, starting just under the skin but quickly sinking within every cell of your body, as if they were all screaming “Why did you do that?!” at the same time, because they sort of are.

Can’t say much for the medicinal qualities of this particular glue. If anything, our headache became much, much worse.

Torchsmell Fast-dry Liquid-cement: 0/10

#1 – Burnsmade Tacky Ultra-bind
This is the glue you reach for when your already glue-addled mind is smart enough to know you need the awful smell of glue out of your nose, but still high on glue enough to generate “How about some more glue, glue-head?” as a reasonable solution.

While the initial huff immediately hits you with the overpowering and unmistakable scent of a rabid and incontinent cat dissolving in acid, it mellows into a comparatively tranquil ashtray fire meets pond scum affair. Unfortunately the memory of how this glue made us feel seems to have disappeared from our mind completely, along with the times tables and details of our grandmother’s face. It is however the glue that made us challenge that soda machine to the head-butting contest that made us pass out, thus stopping us from huffing more glues. For this reason alone it tops our list.

Burnsmade Tacky Ultra-bind: 0/10

CDC Announces Bass Players Will be Eligible for Vaccine in Late 2036

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ATLANTA — Bass players across the country are the only adults over the age of 16 who are not currently eligible for vaccinations, with the CDC expecting to lift that restriction in 15 years, sources confirmed.

“Our current policy on bass player vaccinations is only temporary. We want to make sure that every person in America, as well as globally, has access to this life-saving vaccine before we go wasting doses on bass players,” said CDC spokesperson Armond Deplura. “Our studies show that bass players are already at very low risk of contracting or spreading the disease because they tend to have no friends to socialize with, and typically their own family no longer speaks with them, let alone invites them home for holiday gatherings. We also don’t want to expose our hardworking health care workers to bass players that keep talking about the new song they wrote when we all know that nobody in their band is taking them seriously.”

Bass players across the world took the news surprisingly well.

“Hey, I get it. I obviously want the vaccine, but I know in order for us to defeat this virus we need to work together. And as a bass player, I know a thing or two about subtly doing my part,” said local bassist Donny Clifford. “I don’t want to overstep my bounds here, but it was pretty upsetting when I brought my mother to get vaccinated, and I asked if they had any extra doses and the site worker said ‘Yes, a bunch, but we would rather throw them in the river than give them to some four-string playing nerd boy.’ Just saying ‘No’ would have been sufficient, but who am I to complain?”

Fully vaccinated vocalists, guitarists, and drummers are already planning tours regardless of their bass players’ vaccination status.

“We are going to be returning to a world where we might have limited capacity in venues, so one less mouth to feed is beneficial for any touring act,” said Lizzy Carmine, vocalist of pop-punk band The Suffrajetsons. “Plus, we won’t have to make sure our bass player is brushing his teeth at least twice a day, or stop him from eating ice cream for breakfast. I spent $80 on a programmable keyboard that will do the job just as well, and won’t wander off with some stranger that claimed to have ‘cool video games’ in their van.”

At press time, the CDC bowed to pressure from the Biden administration to limit vaccine eligibility for drummers that also insist on singing.