The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Hootie and the Blowfish Clarify That the Bassist Is Actually Hootie, Not the Singer

Posted on June 2, 2021 by Bobby Korec

COLUMBIA, S.C. — Local band and 1996 American Music Awards “Favorite Adult Contemporary Artist” nominee Hootie and the Blowfish released a statement yesterday identifying the bass player as the one in the group formally known as Hootie, not the singer as more commonly thought, sources who didn’t know what to make of that information confirmed.

“Just because I’m the singer, primary songwriter, and only recognizable member of the band doesn’t necessarily mean I’m Hootie. Kind of weird to just assume that,” said frontman Darius Rucker while showing his birth certificate as evidence of his real name. “You see, most bands hide their bass player. Not the B-Fish. Ours is front and center. Also, I really need for people to stop shouting ‘Hootie’ at me in the street. It’s been 25 years and it’s incredibly emasculating. So please, scream it at our bassist instead.”

For his part, bass player Dean “Hootie” Felbar did not seem enthused by the name.

“You accidentally refer to the restaurant Hooters as ‘Hooties’ just once, and you literally never live it down,” said Felbar. “Back in the day, I suggested we call ourselves the Blowfish because just like the aquatic animal, we tended to puff up our chests when we felt threatened by a rival soft rock band at the same gig. But my bandmates really wanted to drive home the Hootie reference for some reason, so we did what any normal band would do and compromised to form an even less coherent name. That’s how democracy works, right?”

Experts chimed in on band naming conventions.

“Naming your band is one of the most difficult decisions you’ll ever have to make in life,” said music critic Jeanine Maricone. “Your name has to be meaningful to you or else it just looks like you’re not taking it seriously. Look no further than Hoobastank. It’s clearly so deep and personal to them, yet it doesn’t make any sense to the rest of the world. Simply profound, I assume.”

At press time, the band announced they were changing their name to Darius Rucker and Hootie and the Blowfish to avoid any further confusion.

Oh, You’re a Joe Rogan Fan? Make 3 of the Dumbest Statements I’ve Ever Heard in My Entire Life

Posted on June 1, 2021 by Dan Rice

Oh you’re into Rogan huh? Well, I call bullshit! You got band-wagon jumping poser written all over you bro. If you’re really a hardcore fan of The Joe Rogan experience, prove it by making 3 outrageously stupid and provably untrue claims, now.

What’s the matter bro? I’m waiting. Aren’t you going to tell me I don’t need the Covid vaccine? You’re not gonna break down how Antifa militants started the Oregon wildfires? Any Rogan fan worth his Muscle Milk would have told me how Brazilian’s make the most aggressive fighters because of brain parasites by now. Jesus dude, do you even have a problem with feminists?

Don’t try to tell me you just feel “on the spot,” because even the most flustered Joe Rogan fan can fire out “Pretty soon straight white men won’t be allowed outside.” Also, a real Rogan fan would never feel “on the spot” because his mind is always prepared, thanks to a heavy regiment of OnIt brand nootropics, lions mane mushroom and DMT.

Bro the fact that you’re not even spewing borderline hate speech about trans athletes right now just makes me sad for you bro.

Fake fans like you make me sick. I bet you got vaccinated against Covid even though you didn’t need to because you’re young and healthy and spreading the virus to other people is a totally different conversation.

Seriously dude, all this time and you can’t even tell me that I need to eat more elk to become a super predator? You’re not going to warn me about the media’s attempts to cover up Joe Biden’s dementia?

You probably don’t even think it’s funny that Joey Coco Diaz only books female comedians if they blow him. You disgust me.

I wish the singularity was here already so that our brains were linked to the matrix and I could download your thoughts and show everyone what a poser you are, but that shits like 5 years away. Plus everyone else will be able to read your thoughts anyway so it would be pointless, not that your poser-ass already knew that or anything.

Do you even say “That’s interesting” after hate-group leaders rant at you? Get out of my face.

Here’s How Many Puppies Emma Stone Killed in Preparation For Her Role in “Cruella”

Posted on June 1, 2021 by Bobby Korec

Move over, Christian Bale. There’s a way more method-y actor in Hollywood, and it’s none other than 2021’s Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards nominee for Favorite Voice From an Animated Movie, Emma Stone.

In her latest film, Stone plays Cruella de Vil Estella von Hellman, a Disney villain known primarily for beating the ever-living shit out of dogs. Reportedly, her research included completely annihilating a few pups in order to get in the animal abuser mindset for the movie franchise that’s historically meant for children.

All in all, Stone personally killed about three dogs total before filming, which is far less than she had originally anticipated. The actress initially requested a full set of 101 dogs in her contract to align more with the Dalmation universe. However, Disney didn’t really think more than a few were necessary, as they stated, “once you murder a couple dogs, you pretty much get the gist.”

Sure, this all may sound “cruel” on the surface, until you realize Stone made certain that the dogs were rescued from no-kill animal shelters. Stone has been vocal about her feelings on breeders, and believes buying your dog from one is “unforgivably immoral.”

Buttons, the first puppy to get axed in the name of art and massive profit, went by way of the knife. Don’t worry — other than Buttons’ desperate writhing and blood-curdling screams, Stone confirmed that she was killed humanely.

Casey was the next to go. Stone decided to gun down this pup instead of using a knife. Turns out stabbing was a little too messy, and she claimed her character wasn’t some sort of monster that would end a dog’s life in that particular way, anyway.

The last to go was Miles. This one was actually the neighborhood dog who Stone accidentally ran over with her car one morning. While this murder wasn’t necessarily premeditated, she used the mental image of the mangled dog as bonus research and even kept the carcass around for a few days before throwing it in the trash. Stone was relieved to find out this one had been a rescue dog, too.

The “Zombieland: Double Tap” actress received backlash for her unorthodox style of preparation, but noted that all the dogs were ugly as hell, so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

Punk House Argument Over Fixing Carbon Monoxide Detector Settled Suddenly and Quietly

Posted on June 1, 2021 by Rick Homuth

NAMPA, Idaho — A punk house dispute over fixing a carbon monoxide detector was abruptly resolved after every single resident passed out at once, lightheaded sources reported.

“We kept hearing this beeping sound for months. I was pretty sure it was some alarm, but my roommate Doug [Schafer] insisted it was nothing,” said Angela Margalus, drummer in a band that was rehearsing in the Hellcore House basement at the time of the incident. “But I knew something was up after Dougie puked a couple times early on at practice, which isn’t exactly out of the ordinary, but it was 11 a.m. and he’d only been drinking beer, not any liquor or nothing. After he went lights out, we rushed upstairs to get help and found everyone else passed out, too.”

Schafer claimed to remember little of the once-heated debate over the malfunctioning detector.

“Man, I don’t remember shit besides the roomies getting their diapers all filled the fuck up over nothing,” Schafer said of what doctors called “the worst case of carbon monoxide poisoning we’ve ever seen” while also discovering three unrelated rashes, a pair of tick bites, a staphylococcus infection, and a mysterious neck lump. “There was something about an alarm or whatever, or maybe I might’ve let the cats out again, I still don’t know what anyone’s talking about. I swear, it’s one thing after another with these fuckin’ assholes. You’d think they’d be a little more polite for people who bother me every month for my share of the electric bill.”

Tensions began to re-emerge at the house as various residents woke up from “weirdly long naps” they insisted were unrelated to the carbon monoxide detector.

“Now, I don’t know what just happened, but people around here gotta learn to respect the space and those around them,” said Dwayne Shanahan. “Like me, right? I’m 33 years old, practically an adult. If the smoke alarm beeps all night I don’t fuckin’ complain about it, I pry it out of the wall and toss it out in the dumpster like a normal person. That’s grown man shit. No one’s mommy is here to ignore that stuff for them.”

At press time, several thousand dollars in damage were amassed after a chirping sound coming from the hallway was dismissed as “probably someone’s phone or something.”

Opinion: Call Me Old-Fashioned, but All Genres of Music Are Satanic

Posted on June 1, 2021 by Constantine Platanias

As music continues to evolve, the debate over which genres are the work of Lord Satan himself becomes more complicated. Sure there are the on-the-nose choices like heavy metal or black metal or really any kind of metal, but what about Dub-step? Where should the church stand on chill-wave, dark-wave, or whatever the hell vapor-wave is? Well, call me old-fashioned, but I think all genres of music come directly from Satan’s black heart.

Back in my day, all we needed were the sounds of leaves rustling, hoes tilling the field, and our preachers warning us against the wicked temptation of rhythm. Now those were real noises! Listening has become unbearable ever since people started composing harmonic melodies.

I really don’t know what’s wrong with this generation. Women today would rather listen to Olivia Rodrigo than their husband’s commands. When did silence go out of style?

Some people think that when you play ‘Stairway to Heaven’ backward, you’ll hear a hidden Satanic message. Well, they’re not wrong, but it’s also Satanic when you play it forward.

There’s a reason why listening to Taylor Swift can feel like you’re being tortured by a demon. It’s because you are. In fact, almost all musicians are demons. Another example is Adele, who was hatched eons ago in the Seventh Circle of Hell. ‘Hello’ is what she sings to lost souls while bathing them in molten lava.

Of all these wicked genres, ‘Christian rock’ is by far the worst. This is the son of God we’re talking about here, not an ex-girlfriend. I go to church every day of the week and even I think they’re a little too fixated on Jesus. Seriously, get a hobby.

Maybe you think it’s “cool” to go to hell so you can “rock out” with your favorite musicians. Indeed Satan, in all likelihood has a super-group down there comprised of Jimmy Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Tupac, Mozart, Orpheus, The Partridge Family and all the rest. But is that really worth your eternal soul?

Punk Tearfully Shoots Tour Van With Broken Axle

Posted on June 1, 2021 by Mark Hassenfratz

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local punk Maddie Conyard tied her beloved tour van to a tree and shot it yesterday after it suffered a broken axle, effectively putting it out of its own misery.

“I just couldn’t take seeing Betty in so much pain,” said Conyard of her beloved Ford Econoline while wiping away a tear. “She was screaming and could barely move. Poor girl. I told her I was sorry and that I loved her, and then I put a slug right in her engine block. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but she’s in the big grocery store parking lot in the sky now.”

Witnesses reported hearing a gunshot, followed by Conyard’s howl of anguish after she hit a large pothole on Barlow Lane.

“Betty was a beloved part of the Allentown punk scene. The old girl was such a sweetheart; everybody is gonna miss her so much,” recalled Conyard’s bandmate Jane Blanchard. “We had so many good times with her — she took us everywhere on our first east coast tour with Bad Newsies. She went all the way from Philly to Buffalo on half a tank of gas, can you believe that? Nothing’s gonna be the same without her.”

Many shared in Conyard’s grief.

“I know exactly what Maddie is going through,” said Rabbit Teeth bassist Tim Gussman. “I had to put my Volvo wagon, Brandi, down last summer — she was getting too old and her floor had finally rusted all the way through. It’s sad, but it was her time.”

“Some of the younger kids in the scene asked about Betty the other day, and I didn’t have the heart to tell them Maddie had put her down,” admitted drummer Keeghan Tofler. “I told them we drove her up to a big junkyard upstate, where she can play with all the other tour vans. They keep asking when we can go see her, and I don’t know what to tell them.”

At press time, mourners were smashing Betty’s windows and spray painting graffiti on her sides, as “that’s what she would have wanted.”

40-Year-Old Punk Expecting Too Much From New Shoe Inserts

Posted on May 31, 2021 by Alice Lahoda

SEATTLE — Aging punk Tia Cantor was reportedly thrilled with the “life changing” new shoe inserts she received as a 40th birthday present, sources confirmed.

“I’m pretty fucking stoked, man. Lately, it’s just been one failing body part after another. The lower back pain was bad enough, but then I woke up on my 38th birthday and couldn’t turn my head to the left. That’s just the norm for me now! No one warned me that spines just sorta stop working over time,” lamented Cantor. “So when I saw some guy on American Ninja Warrior rave about how much shoe inserts helped with his flexibility and agility, I knew I needed a pair of my own. This summer’s gonna be all kick-flips and stage dives.”

Cantor’s wife, Christine, was less certain her summer would go as planned.

“Tia built up the magic of these shoe inserts in her head, but I don’t think they’ll live up to her expectations. After all, that Ninja Warrior is a 27-year-old former college athlete, and Tia spent her twenties as an ‘unofficial’ roadie who mostly slept in the backs of vans and sometimes in the fronts of vans,” Christine explained. “I hope I’m wrong, but honestly, I’ll consider it a win if she can just do yard work again without exacerbating her sciatica.”

Meanwhile, Cantor’s friends wished her success with her new shoe inserts, to a certain extent.

“She’ll be fucking intolerable if these inserts are a a legit cure-all,” complained Steven Santiago, Cantor’s friend of over twenty years. “Her back and neck pain keep her humble. I don’t want this to be like the time she took up yoga for a month in 2019. She was impossible to be around. I thank Joey Ramone every day for the hurricane that flooded that yoga studio before it could get worse.”

At press time, Cantor reported that she hadn’t put the new shoe inserts in her Vans yet because “bending down hurts my back. That’s why I have slip-ons in the first place.”

Photo by Senny Mau.

Fan Who Won’t Pay For Band’s Music or Merch Can’t Believe They Would Sell Out and Put Song in Commercial

Posted on May 31, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local Vampire Weekend fan Archie Poole felt betrayed, confused, and saddened this week after hearing the music of his so-called “favorite band” in a Target commercial even though he has not spent money on the band’s music, merch, or tours, annoyed friends of Poole report.

“What a bunch of fucking sellouts. If I owned any of their albums, I would burn them,” said Poole after seeing the offending commercial. “Oh, I’m sorry that my Spotify streams don’t pay enough to support their lavish lifestyles. It just goes to show you that there aren’t any real artists out there anymore, bands that do it for the love of music and not for the money. If I had a band or could play a musical instrument, you’d be damn certain I wouldn’t let some movie have it or use it to sell soybeans or whatever. I wouldn’t even charge fans for my albums.”

Poole’s friends said they were all too familiar with this situation.

“This happens a few times a year. He’ll call me up ranting about hearing Grizzly Bear in a Tide commercial or something. I just put it on mute and let him wear himself out,” friend Katherine Davidson said while on the phone with Poole. “He takes it really seriously. Once when he heard Jason Isbell on the PA system at Walgreens, he pushed over a vitamin display and stormed out. Weird thing is, I’ve never seen him buy any vinyl. He does own one Wilco shirt, but Wilco is spelled with a K and he bought it off Wish, so I don’t think it’s official merch.”

Legendary band manager Neal Smith said that in today’s digital atmosphere, bands have to make money wherever they can.

“Even your most loyal fans won’t buy your music anymore, and no one listens to the radio,” said Smith after negotiating a deal between ED medication distributor BlueChew and HAIM. “So I have to convince anyone I can to just put the band’s music somewhere; in a commercial, in their Tik Toks, or just blaring through the speaker of a billboard truck. Next we’re going all in on NFTs, as soon as I figure out what those are.”

As of press time, Poole announced that he won’t even share a band’s music with his friends anymore, because he sees it as a form of free advertising.

Oh Shit: This Week the Boys Talk Cancel Culture

Posted on May 31, 2021 by Dan Rice

Strap the fuck in and get ready to have your leftist sensibilities shot in the dick, because this week on One In The Stink the boys are gonna get REAL about all of this “woke shit.”

Amateur Connecticut based comedians Bobby “Boner” Benson and Brian “Donkey Punch” Baringer started with an idea so simple it was brilliant: “What if we just recorded the funny ass shit we say when we hang out and make it a podcast?!” And just like that, One In The Stink was born.

What started as two buds just dicking around and shooting the shit has now grown into an empire by Southern Connecticut local comedy scene standards. Listener-ship is now edging into the dozens, and t-shirt sales are at a respectable five. Boner and DP, or “The Boys” as they’re fans have been told to call them, weren’t content just changing the whole game by releasing a poorly produced show where two REAL FRIENDS talk about “whatever.” They just had to take it to the next level by getting high AND drunk, ON MIC! Just like they do in REAL LIFE!

Many performers would be tempted to rest on their laurels after accomplishments like that, but not the stink gang. According to the description of their most recent episode, the boys are about to break all the rules and take on the most controversial topic of our age, cancel culture!

That’s right, they are fucking GOING THERE. After a brief hour long recap of the most recent Joe Rogan Experience, the boys are going straight for the elephant in the room!

If you know The Boys, as nearly 12 people currently do, you know this isn’t going to be some cookie cutter “let’s pat ourselves on the back for being liberal” bullshit hour. These men are not afraid to get REAL and entertain the idea that some of this stuff is GETTING OUT OF HAND!

Finally, a take on cancel culture from the perspective that matters the most — straight white men who do stand-up at local bars and eateries. These guys think that cancel culture has made it so that “you can’t say anything anymore!” and they are not afraid to say it. They might even get drunk enough to call the whole thing “gay,” in the PEJORATIVE like REBELS! This is HAPPENING people!

Also this week: DP gives an update on his Chipotle related IBS, Boner tells his friends brother’s roommates best sex story, and the boys try to figure out what Sylvester Stallone’s farts sound like.

Soul Asylum Announce They Never Broke Up in Case Anyone Wondering

Posted on May 31, 2021 by Bobby Korec

MINNEAPOLIS — 1994’s “Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal” Grammy nominee Soul Asylum announced that they never actually disbanded in case anyone was curious about their current situation, sources who checked the group’s Wikipedia page thereafter confirmed.

“In my opinion, this is an absolute game changer for all fans of music,” said singer and songwriter for the band Dave Pirner before rattling off the names of all 12 of their studio albums in chronological order. “Every now and then we remind the world that we’re still a thing and we’re ready to play a state fair or license our music for all your Toyotathon commercial needs. Otherwise, everyone seems like they forget about us entirely. In fact, that might explain why Spotify only sends us $2.00 royalty checks every few months to split four ways. How else would you justify paltry residuals from a streaming service worth billions?”

The news came as a bit of a shock to the general public.

“Are you kidding me? A little heads up sooner would’ve been nice,” said the band’s longtime manager Kent Appraise before excusing himself to make a few phone calls. “I started managing them during the ‘Runaway Train’ era and had I known that they kept going since then I probably would’ve gotten them some more prominent gigs. Next you’re going to tell me Collective Soul is still putting out new music as recently as 2019 and I shouldn’t have dropped the ball on that one either, as their manager. Unbelievable.”

Experts chimed in on the band’s bombshell announcement.

“There are a ton of bands who made it big in the ‘90s who are surprisingly still kicking it today with new, much less talked about work,” said music critic Diane Wintersfeather. “One could argue that this is largely the fault of music journalists ignoring new material from bands like this in favor of more sensational content. Sure, I could write about Soul Asylum’s latest 2020 release to help promote it. Or I could whip up something more attention-grabbing like, ‘You’ll Never Believe What Soul Asylum Looks Like Today.’ You see, we’re in the business of clicks, and those nostalgia clicks are a journalist’s wet dream.”

At press time, the band announced an upcoming tour and that it was “Blind Melon who wrote ‘No Rain.’ Not us. Stop asking.”

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