Extra Precautious: Michael Myers Still Triple-Masking Even After Receiving Pfizer Vaccine

Posted on by Heather Cook

HADDONFIELD, Ill. — Serial killer and supernatural force of pure evil Michael Myers insists upon wearing three layers of face masks even after receiving the second dose of the Pfizer vaccine, terrified but amused sources confirmed.

“Although my patient Michael never speaks, I get the strong impression that he’s still fearful of the virus,” explained Myer’s psychologist Dr. Samuel Loomis. “His frustrated body language communicates that he is incredibly pissed regarding people already gallivanting about, having brunch indoors, having parties and fornicating like things are normal again. I’m sure he’s eager to return to his beloved hobby of murder, but you don’t see him breaking social distancing rules. It’s my professional intuition that, when he is ready, his first murder victims will exclusively be anti-maskers and COVID-deniers.”

Roommate at the Ridgemont Federal Sanitarium, Marcus Morales, is a firsthand witness to Myer’s neurotic behavior during the pandemic.

“For a dude that slaughters horny teens with a chef’s knife, Mike sure has a stick up his butt when it comes to safety,” said Morales. “He’s been wearing the same disgusting William Shatner mask since the ‘70s, but he has the nerve to ask me to disinfect my clothes as soon as I come home from community service? Sure, he won’t even shower when he’s drenched in human blood but God forbid he eats in the cafeteria. I’d tell him to chill out, but ya know, I don’t want to end up with all my teeth in his pocket and a slit throat.”

While other masked murderers are allegedly following suit, one particular dream-invading monster is defiant in the wake of CDC regulations.

“Masks are total garbage, bitch,” said slasher and anti-masker Freddy Krueger. “Nowadays, people are more afraid of getting some stupid virus than being eaten alive by a demon snake in their dreams. And how can I shock people with my scars or deliver hilarious quips with my face covered? Fauci expects me to give that up? Fat chance. Now that vaccines are rolling out, there are no rules, bitch.”

When asked how soon he will return to full-time murdering, Myers stood in silence grasping a knife while remaining six feet away at all times.

Cat Tree Most Expensive Piece of Furniture in Punk’s Apartment

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Local cat owner Robbie Kratchiz admitted yesterday that his cat tree was the most expensive piece of furniture in his entire apartment, sources who were not surprised whatsoever after just one visit confirmed.

“Whatever I can do to make this house a home for Mr. The Mews,” said Kratchiz while sweeping a pile of dried up cat vomit under a nearby rug. “What can I say? My little prince deserves every inch of that majestic, seven-foot-tall upholstered kingdom with hidden scratch pads and secret lounging areas. Sure, he’s never even once used it, and actually seemed to prefer the box that it came in, but deep down I know his withholding of approval is just his way of showing approval. Textbook cat move.”

Those close to Kratchiz seemed to have different views.

“Honestly, he probably should’ve nailed down legit furniture before he spent two entire stimulus checks on the cat’s household playground,” said Kratchiz’s roommate James Leslie while setting down a drink on a side table made entirely out of repurposed milk crates. “One time he asked me to help him move this ‘perfectly good’ free couch he found under a bridge on the very same day he asked to borrow money for a device that sprinkles catnip on one of the tree’s platforms. Nothing against the tree, but the guy doesn’t even have a bed frame yet. He’s 32 years old, but it’s like he lives exactly like how I imagine a college freshman would.”

Manufacturers continually look for ways to improve the functionality of cat towers.

“Interestingly enough, these things took years of research to develop,” said Grace Bumphreys of Yuppie Cat Condos LLC. “From the outside they may look like just a bunch of arbitrary tree branches, exposed nautical rope, and corrugated cardboard with carpet stapled to it, but these structures accurately recreate what cats are used to in the natural world. At least that’s what our highly paid R&D team said. One day we hope they can develop a cat tree that doesn’t clash with just about all other furniture in your home. One step at a time, though.”

At press time, Kratchiz purchased an elaborate WiFi-connected automatic self-cleaning litter box with its own iOS app and treat dispensing mechanism for hundreds of dollars, which his cat ignored completely.Local cat owner Robbie Kratchiz admitted yesterday that his cat tree was the most expensive piece of furniture in his entire apartment.

We Spoke With Rivers Cuomo About What It’s Like To Be a Teen Growing Up in 2021

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Everyone knows it’s hard being a teen. Between school and acne, being a teenager in America is almost as hard as being a pre-teen in America. Fortunately, we were able to get into the mind of the most teenage human being in existence, 50-year-old Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo, to see how teens are dealing with growing up in 2021.

We tried sitting down with an actual teenager, but that thing was a nightmare.

The Hard Times: Thanks for taking some time to talk with us today.

Cuomo: Not a problem, homie. Wazzuuuuup?

Oh hey, we remember that! That’s hilarious, assuming it’s ironic. So, what do you think are some of the biggest problems facing teenagers today?

We just want to party, man. We wanna play guitar on the quad and find a cool girl that digs how nerdy we are. It would be a total drag if our parents started nagging us to take out the trash. Then we gotta put on some sad music.

Alright, sure. But what about modern things teens deal with, like social media, cancel culture and cyberbullying?

Oh dude, tell me about it. Bullies and jocks are the worst. Always stuffing me in lockers, giving me wedgies, and taking my lunch money. But I tell ya, once school is over, I’ll have all the time in the world with my D&D campaigns and KISS records. Maybe later I’ll jump on AOL Instant Messenger to talk to this girl I like in Japan.

Is that stuff still happening to you? Why are you so frequently around lockers? Wait, that’s not important. What about mass shootings? We literally have kids bringing guns to school and killing their classmates.

Ouch, that’s rough. I recommend everyone just hop in their rusty jalopy, get a double-double from In-and-Out, and head to the beach for a bonfire. Sure, the quarterback might pick on you now, but you and your band will make it big someday!

That is terrible advice. Today’s children are faced with a broken economy, civil unrest and global warming.

As long as the surf is up, us teens don’t have a care in the world. And thanks to all that global warming you’ve been so gloom-and-doom about, it’s nothing but high seas from here on out.

Ailing Ted Nugent Summons Kid Rock to His Chambers

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

DETROIT — Ted Nugent, bed-ridden from his recent COVID-19 diagnosis, called upon fellow Michigan far-right musician Kid Rock to discuss the apparent plan of succession to the ailing Motor City Madman, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“I’ve summoned Kid Rock to my royal chambers, as merely a means of protocol,” said a maskless Nugent while struggling to breathe. “Concerns about my health have been overstated. Brother, the doctors can tell me I have the Coronavirus all they want, but I don’t buy it. What’s next, they’re going to tell me I’m too sick to wail on my guitar? Fuck no. But out of an abundance of caution, I want to ensure that there’s a smooth transition when the time comes to ascend to the highest throne of rock. Whether it is threatening elected officials, taking a near-sexual pleasure from killing animals, or engaging in inappropriate relationships with adolescent girls, Kid must be ready to lead by these principles.”

Keepers in charge of caring for Nugent expressed concern about the rocker’s plans for succession following a positive COVID-19 test.

“Concern has been raised among various parties regarding the purity of blood of the Lord Nugent’s bastards,” noted household spokesperson and longtime roadie Dusty “The Stink” Booker. “To avoid any infighting, it has been decreed that the rank and title of being a washed-up, over-opinionated, and generally racist knob should be passed on to a new dynasty. We feel that, being a reactionary douchebag who appeals to the lowest common denominator and stopped being taken seriously as a musician years ago, Kid Rock is the best choice.”

Nugent fans across the world admit they were confused as to how he could be diagnosed with a “fake disease,” but ultimately showed their support for him and Kid Rock.

“I woke up to the news that Ted had the ‘rona and I was like, ‘Uhhh ok Democrats, April Fool’s day was three weeks ago.’ I’m guessing this is nothing more than a case of cat scratch fever baby! Nothing stops The Nuge,” said longtime fan Kev Decesare. “But, if something were to happen, we would need someone to step up that is not only willing to rock hard, but able to rock hard. Kid Rock is that man.”

At press time, Kid Rock was actively trying to scrub all evidence that he grew up as a spoiled rich kid from the internet in preparation for his induction.

Chauvin Upset He Isn’t Able to Properly Celebrate Hitler’s Birthday Thanks to Guilty Verdict

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

MINNEAPOLIS — Former police officer and now-convicted murderer, Derek Chauvin, is reportedly upset that the most sacred day on his calendar, Hitler’s birthday, is tarnished by a guilty verdict found against him in the murder trial of George Floyd, sources confirmed.

“This is a sad day for me on multiple levels. I wish I could be at home with my family, and all of my fellow police officers celebrating the life and legacy of Nazi leader Adolph Hitler, but instead, I’m getting fitted for an orange jumpsuit and preparing to get my ass beaten in gen-pop,” said Chauvin while lightly rubbing a swastika he drew on his hand earlier today. “I never would take this holiday off from work, I would actually work overtime and make sure I harassed and bothered any and all people that were not straight and white like me. But now I have no idea what I’m going to do. I just need to pray, and hope that I’m out of here on appeal by December 24th so I can properly celebrate the day the Klan was founded.”

Blue Lives Matter supporters and police officers from coast to coast were outraged by the verdict.

“Is nothing sacred anymore? Courts should be closed today and every cop that’s out on the streets should get holiday pay for working on such a holy day,” said Officer Paul Lewis of the Portland police department. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to do my job properly now if I have to constantly worry that I get brought to justice every time I murder someone. People need to look within themselves and ask ‘is this what Hitler would have wanted?’ because I’m certain that it’s not, and that’s the real crime here.”

Activists were ecstatic that, for maybe the first time ever, a cop was actually brought to justice.

“This is just the beginning, but unfortunately, our system isn’t set up to prosecute all these officers. Mathematically there are just not enough courtrooms in the country to hold all these officers accountable,” said community organizer Leanne Foster. “And much like the fabled Hydra, every time an officer is charged with murder, three more people of color are murdered by different officers around the country.”

At press time, Chauvin admitted he was excited for all the free white supremacist tattoos he will receive in prison.

Stoner Grandpa Remembers When You Were Only This High

Posted on by Tyler Dark

AGOURA HILLS, Calif. — Your Grandpa, a lifelong stoner and de facto family historian, fondly recalled a time when you were “only this high,” you confirmed while listening to your elder with bloodshot eyes.

“Nothing touches my heart like a holiday memory,” Grandpa wheezed as his arthritic fingers broke up a four-gram nug over the top of a book about the Spanish-American War. “It feels like I’ve barely blinked since you were an itty bitty lightweight who could barely toke a one-hitter without coughing like a bitch. Now you’re blowtorching dab rigs and popping THC suppositories like your Pop Pop. I’ll tell you, time sure does fly.”

Although your grandfather is proud of the man you’ve become, your mother can’t help but wish she could rewind time back to when you were little.

“I’m ashamed and disgusted,” she groaned miserably while collecting weeks-old laundry from the floor of your bedroom. “The fact that my adult son is running around celebrating 4/20 like some middle-aged teenager is an embarrassment to this family. He’s turning out to be just like my father, who’s been baked off his gourd since 1968 and gets spooked by the ice cream truck. I just miss when he was my sweet, innocent boy who went to extravagant lengths to smoke a little pot from a soda can before inevitably getting caught. That was a better time.”

The sheer volume of weed you smoke regardless of whether or not it’s 4/20 may actually be an indicator that your grandpa has something to be proud of after all, according to emerging data on the effects of marijuana on family dynamics.

“This kid is on the right path as it is,” offered Dr. Andy Blizzard, area family practitioner and volunteer cannabis research consultant. “He doesn’t blaze any more than I did at his age, which is around the time I met Charlie Manson, the guy who inspired me to be a doctor. Now look at me: I run the only private practice in town whose waiting room boasts patchouli incense and an overweight Basset hound named Dougie. Not a bad life, if I may say so.”

Additional sources verified that your grandpa is also amazed at the amount you’ve grown since he last saw you, and how you do all of your growing with state-of-the-art indoor hydroponics.

Netherlands Celebrates Fourten Twitzen, A Day Where Sober Children are Beaten With a Sack of Oranges by Sinterkush

Posted on by Dan Rice

AMSTERDAM — Festive spirits are high in Holland today as the nation celebrates Fourten Twitzen, their version of 4/20 day, where children who refuse to smoke enough sticky kinderbud are playfully beaten with fruit by an impish figure known as Sinterkush, according to local legends.

“Ya, today we tell de children ‘Make sure you toke de reefer or de Sinterkush will pummel you with de fruit sack,” explained Heinrich Von Klyde, a jovial Dutch father of four. “It is much fun to be had for children to be doing the smoke drugs, and if they blaze hard enough the Sinterkush will reward them by filling der hats with Cheetos for da munching. Really it is me. I fill de hat with de munchy Cheetos, but you mustn’t tell dem!”

Sinterkush was said to be a kindly old church deacon who sold weed on the side to make ends meet in the early 19th century. The modern version of the mythical stoner lives in a magical apartment with friends and drives a Volkswagen bus that only children who are pure of heart and stoned out of their minds can see. Despite all of this, some children still live in fear.

“I am so worried dat I did not rip enough of de smoking bong, and dat de Sinterkush will order his slave monkeys to hold me down and beat me with de apples,” confessed Gunter Ergman, a 12-year-old boy with only slightly reddened eyes. “I could not hold back de coughing on der Purple Urkle, and dat makes de Sinterkush become angered and powerful. I pray dat Mader will cook me an edible!”

Most Netherland provinces throw festivals to commemorate the day, typically consisting of a parade and the crowning of the highest child.

“Ya, de child who do de most of drug smoke is crowned de high-child of all de land,” explained Friesland Province Commissioner Herman Zonvun. “He or she is given de reefer crown and vill be carried by de townsfolk to de apartment of de Sinterkush, vere dey vill order Pizza-Hut, watch ‘The Matrix,’ and then take de nap.”

While Fourten Twitzen remains one of the Netherlands’ most time honored traditions, some elements of the holiday have not survived into the 21st century.

“We vill no longer condone de parents forcing der sober children to sleep on de roofs for a week,” confirmed Zonvun. “Also, de Sinterkush has severed his ties with Black Pete.”

Report: Punk Won’t Get Around to Bong Rip Until 4:27

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

ENCINO, Calif. — Local punk and cannabis enjoyer Lulu Alazraqui will almost certainly not take her first 4/20 bong rip any earlier than 4:27pm PST, according to a report compiled by almost everyone who has met her.

“After spending pretty much every day together for the past year, I can’t imagine any other outcome,” said Alazraqui’s roommate Ira Klein. “It’s not that Lulu can’t plan ahead. She spent the weekend stocking up on snacks, had the foresight to take the day off work and she’ll probably even set an alarm. But for someone who named her cat Chronic, she’s remarkably bad at remembering where her lighter is. Or vape pen. Or charger. And that’s not even considering she’s usually off on the date by anywhere from three to seven days.”

High school teachers, old friends, and former coworkers all agreed that Alazraqui was extremely unlikely to start getting high at her purported favorite time of “killer rip ‘o clock,” noting her incredible lack of grip on time has been “kind of the main thing about her” since long before the coronavirus pandemic first hit the United States.

“It’s just not in her nature to be on time,” said Alazraqui’s neighborhood bartender Mark Katz. “I’m not even certain it’s a stoner thing. Two years ago she came on tour with my band to do merch, and we only got her ready on time thanks to an elaborate scheme that involved us changing the calendars and clocks in every single one of her devices. I think she missed some kind of important sleep study or something because of it, actually.”

Upon being made aware of the report and its findings, Alazraqui said she “didn’t totally love” how it made her feel, but “good point about the 4:20 thing, though.”

“Maybe it’s just me but time feels less and less real lately,” said a coughing Alazraqui between dabs. “You know? It’s like being in that um, hyperbolic chamber in Dragon Ball Z. Where they’d speed up time so they could train more. Or maybe slow it down. I can’t remember.”

At press time, Alazraqui had failed to stay awake until 12:00AM on 4/20, and was seen asleep on the couch in front of the opening credits of “9 to 5.”

5 Things To Claim 4/20 Day Celebrates Besides Weed Because You Are Just Mommy’s Clever Fucking Boy, Aren’t You?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well it’s 4/20 again, and all the rubes are getting stoned out of their gourds talking about how today was the day acid was invented or how some roadie for The Dead always smoked at that time or whatever, but not you. You are Mommy’s clever fucking boy and you’re above all that. And after today, everyone is going to know what an edgy little genius you are.

Here are the top 5 things you’re going to tell your stoner friends 4/20 day is about, and it is going to make their little hippy brains explode because you are just so goddamned above it all! Those hippies won’t know what hit them, and they’ll damned sure think twice before trying to enjoy something again.

Columbine Anniversary 

That’s right, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold shot up their high school on April 20th, 1999. “Happy Columbine anniversary!” Three little words, and suddenly the whole room is bummed out and you are just the king of the god damned universe!

Hey I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but Columbine > Marilyn Manson > Dope Show > Dope… there’s something there, right? Who am I kidding, you’ll find it. You’re the smartest fucking boy in the world!

Oklahoma City Bombing

Okay yeah, this one actually happened on April 19th, but they don’t know that and it’s close enough, so why shouldn’t you use it to bring the flow of conversation to a screeching halt? Bonus points if you can segue that shit into a rant about how illegal drug money helped fund the 9/11 attacks. I know you have it in you!

First Human Organ Transplant

Woah, curveball! Here they are expecting you to go dark again but then you go dropping the science! You High-roading son of a bitch, you are UNTOUCHABLE!

Gunther Becoming Archbishop Of Cologne

Okay now you are just showing off! By telling everyone about how April 20th marks the 1169th (up top!) anniversary of Gunther’s appointment to the Archbishop of Cologne, (a post he held until his excommunication in 863 A.D, yes) you’re letting everyone know that you have done the research, crunched the numbers, put in the work and there is no chance in HELL they’re getting away with having a good time today.

Hitler’s Birthday

OH SHIT! Holy fuck dude, you went there! Wow! Damn dude, that is twisted as SHIT! Just when those fucking hippies thought they were safe, BAM, Hitler party! How do you think of this stuff man, seriously? Hitler was born on 4/20, that’s fucking WILD. Well, nothing to do now but go home and tell anyone who crosses your path about all the clever-ass shit you said today for weeks to come. You earned it!

Domino’s Drivers Putting On Their 4/20 Tires

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Domino’s Pizza delivery drivers across the country are upgrading their tires to near military-grade 4/20 models for the upcoming cannabis-themed day of celebration and unhealthy food consumption, totally jonesing sources confirmed.

“You need these more durable tires to get you through our mandatory 24-hour 4/20 shift with traction and toughness to spare. This is what we train for all year. This is when the professionals show what they’re made of,” said Ajax Pickering, a veteran pizza delivery driver. “We used to see rubber casualties that’d give a Vietnam vet the shakes. Some poor bastards even got out and tried to put the melting tire back together while it scalded their hands. Thankfully technology has caught up with the demand on our vehicles, so we just need to make sure we’re hydrated and keep a little crank or bathtub juke in the glove box for emergencies.”

The chain’s efforts to streamline service on the busiest day of the year is appreciated by the community, a good portion of whom will be ordering from Domino’s at least once on April 20th.

“I’m for anything that gets my extra-large Brooklyn style Wisconsin 6-Cheese to me safely before I hit the bong, forget I ordered it, and pass out,” said customer Catalina Johnson in between uncomfortably long pauses. “It’s just wonderful that a big money corporation is looking out for the little guy. I feel so blessed to live in these times. You can even get joints that come pre-rolled now, like how Domino’s pizza comes pre-made. We may not have to do anything ever again!”

Domino’s executive Belle Travail admitted that the 4/20 tires are as reassuring to the company’s bottom line as they are to the consuming public.

“The people celebrating this holiday are pizza connoisseurs and we need to treat them with the respect they have earned,” said Travail over her instant breakfast pizza. “They no longer tolerate the kinds of problems we’ve had in 4/20s past, the tire damage and overheating engines that cause one delivery car to go down, then another and another, until the whole system starts to fall like a row of some manner of upright tiles. These state-of-the-art tires will help secure and retain stoned customer loyalty while saving us millions in work hours and vehicle repairs.”

Domino’s has since announced plans to streamline their service even more by just becoming a dispensary with a massive pizza bar.