CatDog Creators Reveal That Cat Is the One Who Shits From His Mouth

Posted on by Tyler Dark

ORLANDO — Peter Hannah, creator of the classic Nickelodeon series “CatDog,” announced last week that Cat is in fact the one who pisses and shits out of his mouth, settling over two decades of spirited debate amongst millions of fans worldwide.

“When we came up with the idea for ‘CatDog,’ we quickly realized that viewers really only wanted one thing: to know which side was eating and which side was orally urinating and defecating,” remarked Hannah. “But we had heavy-hitters like ‘Rugrats’ and ‘Spongebob’ to compete with, so we decided to keep the secret to ourselves, and it gave us an edge. Everyone knows how babies and sponges shit, but a natural horror with heads on both ends? It kept people guessing, even though we thought we made it pretty clear through his general disposition that Cat was the mouth-shitter.”

The writing and animation teams behind the show were under specific instruction to hide subtle indicators of Cat’s genetic misfortune throughout the series, sources confirmed.

“They were like little Easter eggs full of shit,” explained animator Leanne Morovska regarding the various clues of Cat’s colorectal larynx. “Beyond being grumpy all the time, Cat had suspiciously brown hairballs, and he never ate as much as Dog, because why would you stuff a bunch of food up your ass? Plus, the Greaser characters all referred to the two-headed abomination as ‘Cat-Butt.’ They weren’t being malicious, they were being anatomically accurate.”

Fans who have waited seventeen years since the last episode of “CatDog” aired were overjoyed to have the topic put to rest.

“I knew it all along,” said satisfied fan Clyde Haley. “From day one, I guessed that they shit out of Cat’s mouth. People always asked what made me think that, or why I would bring it up at dinner, but I was observant enough to see it. I even made a bet to my best friend back in 1998, and now that guy owes me two tickets to ‘Double Dare 2000.’”

At press time, an additional statement from Nickelodeon Studios was released declaring that, before anyone asks, yes, all the sex stuff happens in Cat’s mouth too.

Drunk Scallop at Bar Talking About Time Gordon Ramsay Threw It on Countertop in Season Three, Episode Six of “Hell’s Kitchen” Again

Posted on by Krissy Howard

DOVER, Del. — A local townie and currently wasted-off-his-ass scallop is rambling on about the time his rubbery body was hurled across the room by an angry Chef Gordon Ramsay on “Hell’s Kitchen,” sources who wish someone would come pick him up already confirmed.

“I remember it like it was yesterday — it was me and five of my fellow mollusks, some of the best men I ever met,” the lightly seared scallop slurred while nursing a bottle of Southern Comfort. “We would’ve made it too, if that cocky fool in the chef coat had just dropped us in the pan 15 seconds sooner. I wasn’t even gonna go on the show either, but my cousin dared me to sign up.”

Despite several attempts by everyone around him to make him stop talking, the scallop continued.

“It’s crazy how just one decision can change your whole life!” the scallop yelled over a nearby jukebox turned all the way up. “I always thought the day I met my old lady was the best day of my life, but let me tell you — those sweet, sweet 17 seconds when Mr. Gordon James Ramsay himself came over, made a disgusted face, picked me up with those manicured but somehow still rugged hands, and flung me across the room while telling everyone to get the fuck out of the kitchen is a pretty goddamn close second.”

Bar patrons report that this isn’t the first time the scallop has gone on drunken tirades about his 15 minutes of fame.

“I was really excited to get back out again, and who’s the first motherfucker I see but that boneless little blob talking about ‘The Kitchen’ and the time Ramsey called him raw, for like, the two hundredth time,” said recently vaccinated woman, Daryl Pilbrooke. “First of all, that shit happened like, 15 years ago, and it’s not like he’s even the only piece of food that got thrown, smashed, tossed out, and stomped on the ground on that series. I watched his episode too, and Gordon Ramsay didn’t even call the chef who undercooked the scallop a dumb cunt or a stupid waste of life or anything. Pretty lame.”

At press time, the scallop was seen still seated at the bar with a disgraced risotto as bar staff announced last call.

“You’ll Get More Conservative When You’re Older” and 4 Other Curses That Witch Placed on Me When My ATV Trashed Her Campsite

Posted on by Mike Civins

We’ve all been there. One minute you’re on your ’05 Yamaha Banshee, kicking up mud and slicing through air on the outskirts of town, and the next minute that withered old witch you’ve been repeatedly warned about emerges from the woods all pissed off because you trashed everything she owns.

All of a sudden she starts waving her hands at you in some random geometric pattern, yelling about how you’re going to be more conservative when you’re older plus some other mumbo-jumbo I can only assume are also curses. Let’s break down her bullshit:

1. “You’ll Get More Conservative When You’re Older”
Man, I’ve been hearing this noise from guidance counselors, stepdads, and managers for YEARS. And look, I’m starting to get it. My paycheck seems to be getting smaller, and I’m starting to feel differently about where my tax dollars are going. At this rate, it’s gonna be at least a few more paychecks before I can finally buy that Secretlab Titan gaming chair.

2. “Your Body Won’t Bounce Back Like It Used To”
Okay, now this is getting a little spooky. Just last week I was telling Cody and Doug how I can rage all night and step into my 6am shift, but yesterday I had half a can of Miller Lite and woke up with a hangover so gnarly I had to call in sick, which is really going to piss off Cody and Doug since they’ll have to cover my station at the paper mill.

3. “All You Love Shall Taste Like Ash”
I was hoping I misheard this one because she was saying a bunch of mystical gibberish. Just the other day I was trying to knock out my hangover so I could get back to goosin’ it on the trails, but then I remembered her saying something about stuff tasting like ass or ash, and sure enough, the Baconator I had just grabbed from Wendy’s tasted like a Guatemalan crematorium.

4. “Thinner…”
After all those Baconators, this one is actually not so bad! I can fit into my jeans from high school and I’m starting to appreciate the OAN network because they make the chumps on Fox News look like a bunch of crybabies.

5. “Thy Flesh Shall Rot From Within And You Shall Know Only Loss”
Now I’m starting to think that our doughnut contest on that hag’s campsite was a bad idea. And maybe I shouldn’t have spray-painted a bunch of dicks on that perimeter of ancient runes, because I haven’t heard from Cody and Doug in days, my ATV won’t turn over, and money turns into something like swamp trash every time it’s in my hands. On top of all that, my teeth are falling out and my fingernails are peeling off. Shit sucks.

Bassist Told to Stay Home to Comply With 33% Capacity Ruling

Posted on by Ken Taro

NEW YORK — Local bassist Mo Kalogeras was asked to stay home from performing at his band’s first show in over a year following an order declaring that entertainment venues may open at 33% capacity in New York starting April 2nd.

“I was thrilled we could finally play in person again,” said Ash Karsa, vocalist and guitarist for New York punk band The Lottery Losers. “The funny thing is, initially, I actually misheard the news and thought that bands had to leave 33% of their members at home. With our band having exactly three members, I was more than happy to sacrifice our bassist — it was perfect math. I didn’t find out until later what the order actually meant, and that we crunched our numbers backward. At that point, we could have invited Mo back, but the drummer and I decided that we should still do our part to show solidarity with the venue and the fans until things return to normal.”

Lisa Reynolds, owner of Rattlesnake Randy’s in Brooklyn, sees the situation as a possible long-term solution for capacity requirements.

“The reopening is huge for us, but the capacity limit might be a headache,” said Reynolds. “We never even thought to limit the capacity of the bands. But when we booked The Lottery Losers, they offered without me even asking them. If it works out, I might ask all the bands to leave their bass players at home to make room for showgoers we can charge at the door. I doubt anyone would notice, or care if they did.”

For his part, Kalogeras gave his thoughts, even though nobody asked him or stuck around to listen.

“I’m actually kind of relieved. I was probably going to pretend I forgot about the show when it came time to go anyway,” said Kalogeras. “I know I had a year to do basically nothing but practice, but I still don’t even know the majority of our songs. To be completely honest, I just joined the band because I thought the drummer was cute. Turns out, the person I thought was the drummer was just a random woman waiting in line for the bathroom, and our actual drummer refuses to date men under 33 or over 35, so that sucks for me.”

Kalogeras, who plays guitar in another band, is debating they do the same thing to that band’s bassist “just to be safe.”

Newly Dissolved Metal Band Argue Over Custody of 20-Foot-Tall Animatronic Goat Demon

Posted on by Cory Cousins

INDIANAPOLIS — Tempers flared earlier this week as members of recently broken-up metal band, Corpse Wax, quarreled over possession of a twenty-foot-tall animatronic goat demon which appeared at all of their shows, sources close to the band confirm.

“Those other assholes don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of taking that demon home,” said Corpse Wax drummer Marty “Beelzebub” Bertrand while standing outside the storage unit where the prop is kept. “Funny that they all want to take it home now, after not giving a shit about it for years. Who was the one who always hauled it up venue stairs? Who made sure to lock it up in storage after gigs? Who ended up getting caught blowing it backstage on multiple occasions even after being warned by staff to stop doing perverted sexual acts in their place of business? Me! That’s who!”

Bertrand’s roommate, Dale Cummings, was not as keen on the idea of bringing a giant statue of an ancient demon into their modestly-sized loft apartment.

“Look, I hate to be the bad guy here, but this is a bit much. Not only does it take up the entire living room, but the thing is a giant, mobile, pissed-off goat demon with a bloody pentagram carved into its chest. It’s fucking scary,” remarked Cummings. “Not to mention it randomly fills the room with smoke every ten minutes. If it starts reciting ceremonial incantations in Latin again, I’m out.” 

Local family lawyer and folklore enthusiast, Elena Vasquez, was available to comment on the surprising frequency of animatronic demon statue custodianship battles.

“I was surprised to find out that this wasn’t a niche thing, but actually quite common,” noted Vasquez. “There was a custody mediation I was part of where a thrash band was breaking up and fighting over a massive demon statue that had the head of a toad and body of a spider. When I offered to give the toad head to one member and the spider body to another, the frontman said he’d rather the bassist take it than see it torn in half. Clearly, I awarded it to the frontman. ”

Following a lengthy legal battle, Mr. Bertrand was granted custody of the goat demon every other weekend and dinners every Thursday.

Cop Instinctively Covers Badge Number in Vaccine Selfie

Posted on by Tony Morse

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Local law enforcement veteran Sergeant David Maddison drew praise from fellow officers for deftly concealing his identity to evade community criticism and professional consequences while posting a recent Coronavirus vaccine selfie, sources confirmed.

“I tell everyone the pandemic is fake, but getting COVID is honestly the only thing that scares me more than having to answer for my actions in uniform or explaining how my wife is just clumsy and accident-prone,” Maddison stated. “That’s why I ditched my court-ordered racial sensitivity training to commandeer someone else’s vaccine appointment yesterday. And I know better than to create a photographic record of myself on duty, but I got caught up in the moment and did one of those Fauci-ouchie selfies. But after all these years, my hand reflexively goes right over my badge number whenever I see a camera.”

“It’s as natural as clutching my bright yellow taser. Or is that my gun? I can’t always tell them apart,” added a shrugging Maddison.

Those closest to Maddison praised the officer’s efforts, and hope to see more of the same from their peers.

“That kind of gaslighting built law enforcement culture in America, and it’s what we need to maintain the status quo,” opined Captain Russ Humphrey. “And unfortunately, you just can’t teach the kind of instinct displayed by this brave sergeant. We tried to for a while, but those cucks at the ACLU got some Obama judge to make us stop. Beta pricks. Anyway, if evidence of Maddison getting the vaccine circulated, he’d catch all kinds of shit from every cop in town.”

Despite Maddison’s best efforts, devout QAnon adherent Buck Eberhart was not impressed.

“Shit, he’s got them Moderna microchips inside now,” said an incredulous Eberhart. “Bill Gates knows who he is and can tell everyone. I hate this, because David is a good and decent man. All those times he responded to my neighbor’s dog cruelty 911 calls, but he never arrested me once. And we always have fun at Oath Keeper campouts. This sucks!”

At press time, Sergeant Maddison was superimposing the Punisher skull over his head in his vaccine selfie while his son photoshopped him out of every single family photo.

We Sat Down With a Polyamorous Couple, and Apparently, They Don’t Fuck Just Anybody

Posted on by Josh Klasco

Regardless of your relationship status, the past year of quarantine and lockdown has certainly put added stress on everyone’s love life. It took my partner and I about one week of uninterrupted contact to realize we shouldn’t live together, and I’ve had very little human interaction, romantic or otherwise, since they left.

I was super excited when this polyamorous couple agreed to come by for an “interview.” Unfortunately by “interview,” they meant interview.

The Hard Times: Hey, it’s so good to meet you! You look even better in person. Come on in, make yourselves comfortable. I’m mixing cocktails, what’s your poison?

Poly Couple: Um, hi. Water is fine. What’s with all the candles? Is your apartment always so dungeon-y? It can’t be easy to get journalism work done with this lighting.

Usually it’s brighter, but I had some interns come by and make the place extra sexy for your arrival. That couch cover is real shag, you know.

…Uh-huh. Is that, like, a standard interview practice?

Interview? Oh my god, you’re so funny. [laughing coquettishly] So how does this work? Do you want to map out a game plan, or should we just strip and go to town on each other?

What?! We thought you wanted to have us around to conduct an interview for a piece about alternative relationship styles! Fuck! We’re outta here. We knew it was weird when you said we had to come in person.

No no no, don’t go! This is a regular interview… I was just making a hilarious joke! We’re actually mostly a humor site so, you know. OK. So. How did you first hear about polyamory?

That’s better. Well, we read a few books about ways couples bring excitement back into their relationship and this seemed like a model that would work for us.

Uh-huh, sure, sure. And has it worked?

Totally. We couldn’t live any other way!

Gotcha. Thanks for the fantastic interview!

That’s it?

Yep. Quick and easy! Anyhoo, now that you’re here how about we slip into something more comfortable…

Nope! Hard no! Listen closely. Being poly doesn’t mean we just fuck whoever whenever. Especially not some sketchy punk trying to pass off their apartment as a weird gothy harem. Fuck this “interview” and fuck your publisher for enabling your bullshit! You’re just an extension of the kind of toxic culture we’re trying to move past. Go to hell. We’re outta here!

Oh god, you’re right! This was a stupid idea. It’s just, I’ve been alone in this place for almost a year and you were so nice over email… I just didn’t realize how much I needed to be around other humans. I’m so sorry for making you uncomfortable.

Aww. Are you crying? Hey, it’s ok. This year has been hard on all of us. Just because you lured us into your office under false pretenses doesn’t mean you’re not humans who need to be loved. Come here and give us a hug.

Now we’re talkin!

What the fuck! Did you just grab our ass?! Not cool! Goodbye! This is the last time we agree to an interview from someone on Grindr!

Used Amp Sold “As Is” Definitely Just Broken

Posted on by James Knapp

JIM THORPE, Penn. — Craigslist user Hampton Bellamy sold a badly damaged and completely non-functional Kustom amplifier yesterday after listing it on the website “as is,” sources experiencing buyer’s remorse confirmed.

“I should have just listed this thing ‘as is’ from the get-go: technically, I’m still being honest without outright admitting that the thing hasn’t actually worked since the Clinton administration,” explained Bellamy. “I tried being straightforward at first, but absolutely no one was interested. Then I tried describing it as ‘a bit of a fixer upper’ in case any tinkerers might be interested — still nothing. Finally, I just called it ‘as is’ and unloaded it on some kid two towns over.”

“No, I don’t feel bad about selling him what is essentially a vintage paperweight,” Bellamy continued. “All he really needs is a journeyman’s understanding of electrical engineering and he’ll have that thing up and running in, say, four months… six, max.”

Buyer Dustin Calamotsous expressed a combination of disappointment and unfounded optimism regarding his recent purchase.

“I really thought I was getting a good deal on this amp. I mean, it looked a little beat up, but I just thought it had charm — not that it needed to have literally everything in it re-soldered,” said Calamotsous while skimming a copy of “Electronics Repair for Dummies.” “Still, I’m confident that with a little elbow grease and a half-dozen or so classes at technical college, I’ll be able to make this amp sound like new. And if not, then off to the pawnshop it goes. Those guys will buy anything.”

Local pawn shop owner Rhonda White gave her thoughts on buying/selling worthless junk.

“You know the old axiom: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Where one person may see a broken amp, someone else may see a quirky side table or a very ineffective shoe rack,” White explained. “Our policy here at Shining Refuse Pawn is to make customers the best possible offer for their crap… I mean, items. And if we just happen to resell it at a 6000% markup, well, that’s just good business. Junk peddlers gotta make money too, you know.”

Posts show Bellamy had also listed a Fender Stratocaster missing its pickups, bridge, and headstock as “like new” on Facebook Marketplace.

Sesame Street Police Shoot New Black Muppet After Mistaking the Number 7 for Firearm

Posted on by Jay Chanoine

NEW YORK ⏤ Recently debuted African American muppet Elijah Walker was fatally shot by Sesame Street police after officers mistakenly identified the number seven being carried by the victim for a handgun, multiple fuzzy little sources have confirmed.

“He was just walking by singing about the days of the week when I heard a voice yell ‘He’s got a gun,’ and the shots started immediately. Fuckin’ pigs are always in my alley just waiting for a reason to bust my nuts, and I ain’t talkin’ about the hog family living in the tenement next door,” said eyewitness Oscar the Grouch. “I don’t buy their story for a second. It would be almost impossible to have thought this thing was a gun. It had googly eyes, and it was bright orange and made out of felt, which oddly enough also describes the offending officers.”

Some neighborhood residents, however, believed that the police had no choice but to open fire.

“I, for one, thank local authorities for maintaining safety within the thoroughfares of our municipality,” claimed Sesame Street Republican committee leader Sam the Eagle. “I have been harboring suspicions toward this newcomer since his arrival. I myself have requested the presence of law enforcement for reasons ranging from the volume of a song about sharing and its relation to caring, to dubious counting overheard from the hallway. The police accepted his claims that he simply enjoyed numbers, but I heard from Q that Elijah was in his domicile counting automatic weapons and drug paraphernalia.”

When asked who he was referring to as Q, Mr. Eagle clarified “the actual letter Q, from the alphabet.”

While some have called it an isolated incident, local reporter Guy Smiley argued that the story is being downplayed to prevent civil unrest.

“The network wanted me to bury the story,” Smiley reported. “Originally they weren’t even gonna have me say his name, referring to him as ‘the suspect.’ I couldn’t let them change the narrative. Not after Cookie Monster, Harry Monster and Grover were all forcefully removed from the Blue Lives Matter event last month after being told it was exclusively for police.”

At press time, the SSPD planned on making an official statement as soon as they finish the chorus and can think of a word that rhymes with “allegedly.”

Toxic Friend Also Coolest Mother Fucker You Know

Posted on by Kevin Tit

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — A recent study of your entire friend group came to the unimpeachable conclusion that Daniel Jordan, the biggest fuck up you know and certified lunatic, is also the coolest dude you hang out with.

“I’m not an idiot. I know he still calls things ‘gay’ and ‘retarded’ but you gotta admit the fact that he can uncork a bottle of wine with his teeth is pretty fucking sick,” you said while trying to clean off puke that Jordan left on your couch after being dared to eat a handful of kitty litter. “A lot of people write Dan off as being racist for saying the n-word a bunch and sexist because he walked into the women’s locker room butt naked and screamed ‘there’s a snake on the loose,’ but honestly, he’s not. He just has a sense of humor that people don’t seem to understand, at least that’s how I justify it to my girlfriend.”

While almost everybody in your life has no idea why you still put up with Jordan, a few of your friends from high school totally get it.

“There’s no question about it. Daniel is an extremely dangerous person to be around but he’s also the guy you can call on when you’re having car trouble or when you need to mount a flatscreen tv on your wall,” said mutual friend, Jorge Ramos. “It’s totally understandable why so many people have been trying to cancel the guy but on the other hand, he’s got this natural-born athletic ability and he’s definitely someone you want on your side if anybody tries to start shit. Not to mention, I’ve never seen someone operate a stolen helicopter after chugging an entire fifth of Jack Daniels.”

Psychologists around the world have been researching the trend amongst decent, sensible people who continue to maintain relationships with absolute maniacs that will probably get you arrested.

“Research has shown that there is a clear correlation between toxic behavior and being really fucking cool,” said senior psychologist at Yale, Edna Perkins. “We all know a bully from school who’s set the back of someone’s head on fire in class. While we recognize how horrific that behavior is, we can not ignore how badass it was and how much we desperately wanted that guy to be our friend. While many experts debate this, Dr. Sigmund Freud himself noted that, as depicted in ‘American Pie,’ the coolest, yet most toxic, thing a friend can do is have sex with your mom.”

At press time, you were in the passenger seat of your own car laughing your ass off as your Jordan drove 30 miles in reverse to a Taco Bell after crushing a 12 pack of Bud Light Seltzers.