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I’ve Been Playing Power Chords My Whole Life and I’m Still Weak As Shit

This is absolute bullshit. I’ve been playing power chords my whole life, spending countless hours learning “Age of Quarrel,” “Set It Off,” and every song off the new GOD’s HATE record from front to back. I have been playing the toughest songs imaginable using exclusively power chords, yet I’m still weak as shit. What the fuck?!

I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I mean, why call them power chords if they don’t make you powerful? For fuck’s sake, I can’t even play my guitar unless I sit down. These things are so fucking heavy. I worry that simply standing up while wearing the strap would saw through my entire torso. They ought to just change the name to “easy chords” because they do absolutely nothing to get you jacked. Also, they’re really simple to play. Anyone else notice that?

It’s so incredibly frustrating to bust my ass playing this shit for so long, only to have absolutely nobody respect my physical prowess. All the super jacked dudes at Guitar Center playing Hendrix and Zeppelin just laugh when I come in and ask for help picking up the Hello Kitty Squire off the guitar stand. Even when I play a ripper like “I Don’t Wanna Hear It” or “Pay to Cum,” they just yell at me to “SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

Not to mention these picks. How can anybody play with anything heavier than a .35mm?!! I nearly broke my finger trying to use an orange Dunlop. I’m in the process of filing a lawsuit against the company, requesting $35 million in compensation. My lawyer and I believe one million for each grossly negligent millimeter is fair compensation.

But until I win this no-doubter of a lawsuit, all I can do is embrace who I am and start playing music that more accurately reflects me as a person. Some lighter, pretty finger-picking music like Jack Johnson or something. I just pray to god that plucking those guitar strings doesn’t slice my fingers into deli meat.