NEW YORK — Ted Mosby launched a cannabis brand this week called Archi-THC, which boasts it will make every user more of a whiny, self-pitying, beta male with each use, confirmed three or four people, as well as the bouncer at MacLaren’s pub.
“My product is more than just marijuana,” pontificated the pretentious sad sack Mosby. “It’s a symphony of flavors, a dazzling symbiosis of human and flora, an orgasmic experience that stretches to every corner of the cosmos. The type of weed you could waste nine seasons telling your kids about. It also pairs perfectly with authentic coq au vin and a Burgundy wine from just West of the Saône. To top off the evening, you must read Dante Alighieri’s ‘Divine Comedy,’ in its native Italian, of course.”
Despite Mosby’s best efforts and painfully annoying attention to detail, consumers reported that other, unforseen side effects had begun to surface.
“Ever since I smoked it, I haven’t stopped complaining,” said Ronald Rice, one of Archi-THC’s first customers. “I have also started pronouncing words such as ‘encyclopedia’ very pretentiously. Another thing I’ve noticed is that I have an overwhelming urge to get married and have kids despite being in my twenties and getting laid constantly. Last night, I got so high I became convinced I was in love with this girl I saw in the hallway for three seconds in second grade. I may have to look her up and destroy any joy she’s experiencing for my own selfish desires.”
Mosby’s lawyer and best friend, Marshall Eriksen, said he would handle the legal implications of Archi-THC’s side effects.
“I’ve been studying Big Tobacco cases, so I’m sure I’ll find a way to keep us out of trouble,” said Eriksen, a graduate of Columbia Law School and lead singer of law-themed fusion band The Funk, The Whole Funk, and Nothing but the Funk. “Quite frankly, I don’t really care about the business. I just use every excuse I can to say ‘lawyered.’”
At press time, Mosby’s friend and the subject of several ongoing sexual assault investigations Barney Stinson has launched a marijuana brand, Buds Before Duds, which will certainly steal all of Mosby’s customers and become much more popular and memorable.