NAMPA, Idaho — A punk house dispute over fixing a carbon monoxide detector was abruptly resolved after every single resident passed out at once, lightheaded sources reported.
“We kept hearing this beeping sound for months. I was pretty sure it was some alarm, but my roommate Doug [Schafer] insisted it was nothing,” said Angela Margalus, drummer in a band that was rehearsing in the Hellcore House basement at the time of the incident. “But I knew something was up after Dougie puked a couple times early on at practice, which isn’t exactly out of the ordinary, but it was 11 a.m. and he’d only been drinking beer, not any liquor or nothing. After he went lights out, we rushed upstairs to get help and found everyone else passed out, too.”
Schafer claimed to remember little of the once-heated debate over the malfunctioning detector.
“Man, I don’t remember shit besides the roomies getting their diapers all filled the fuck up over nothing,” Schafer said of what doctors called “the worst case of carbon monoxide poisoning we’ve ever seen” while also discovering three unrelated rashes, a pair of tick bites, a staphylococcus infection, and a mysterious neck lump. “There was something about an alarm or whatever, or maybe I might’ve let the cats out again, I still don’t know what anyone’s talking about. I swear, it’s one thing after another with these fuckin’ assholes. You’d think they’d be a little more polite for people who bother me every month for my share of the electric bill.”
Tensions began to re-emerge at the house as various residents woke up from “weirdly long naps” they insisted were unrelated to the carbon monoxide detector.
“Now, I don’t know what just happened, but people around here gotta learn to respect the space and those around them,” said Dwayne Shanahan. “Like me, right? I’m 33 years old, practically an adult. If the smoke alarm beeps all night I don’t fuckin’ complain about it, I pry it out of the wall and toss it out in the dumpster like a normal person. That’s grown man shit. No one’s mommy is here to ignore that stuff for them.”
At press time, several thousand dollars in damage were amassed after a chirping sound coming from the hallway was dismissed as “probably someone’s phone or something.”