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Missing House Shows? Here Are Five Alternatives That Will Also Leave You Sweaty In Somebody’s Basement

Social distancing regulations got you down? Losing your sense of identity without the ability to get drunk in a stranger’s basement and mosh until you’re sweaty and possibly nose-broken? Never fear! These five non-CDC-approved alternatives are the perfect way to end up moist and exhausted in an unfinished basement while still being able to tell people, “I care about herd immunity.”

Unauthorized Fight Club – Sick of all the rules and regulations involved in all the CDC-approved fight clubs? Well, the first rule about this Fight Club is that you don’t alert the CDC about Fight Club. An unauthorized violent gathering is a perfect way to get out some of that pandemic-related stress while still working up a sweat. You may even leave with some super cool bruises, just like in the pit at a house show!

Thievery – There’s nothing quite like the adrenaline rush that comes from getting away with low-level shoplifting. But if you really wanna work up a sweat, robbing someone’s basement may be the perfect solution! Plus, you’ll get hit with a wave of nostalgia, as this will surely bring you back to fond memories of stealing from house shows.

Medical Experiments – This past year has been all about believing in science. So with all the extra time and energy, why not dedicate your body and fluids to medical experiments? Put your safety concerns aside; this is important. Hell, you could be the one to help discover a cure for being a poser, which we assume is the medical experiment you’re best qualified for since you have all the symptoms.

Hot Yoga Led By the Old Man Hanging Out in the Park – When the old man who always hangs out in the park invites you to his basement for “hot yoga,” under typical circumstances, you would politely decline via a swift macing. But honestly, there’s not a lot of in-person exercise classes these days that offer the added bonus of mindfulness. Either that, or this is all some strange fantasy of his that probably isn’t certified by Big Yoga. Regardless, you’ll be sweating in a basement, which checks the only box that matters.

A Rousing Individual Game of Rock Band – No need to cut out house shows all together. Instead, put on a basement show for one by playing a rousing game of Rock Band against yourself. Between songs, you can even stand in the back with your arms crossed, rolling your eyes at the fake crowd while sipping a flask you snuck in to recreate the full experience.