Job for a Cowboy Clarify They Are Talking About a Footjob

Posted on by Freelancer

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Tech death metal and former deathcore darlings Job for a Cowboy explained the sexual implications of their name once and for all, according to a statement by the band.

“I thought the signs were always there, but apparently I have to spell it out: the ‘job’ in Job for a Cowboy is, of course, a footjob,” said founder and singer Jonny Davy, who moonlights as a moderator on Wikifeet. “It’s when someone… well… they take off their socks, dump a good amount of lube on their arches. Maybe it’s best if you just Google it, but do it in a private tab, and definitely don’t do it at work. Most of our albums and songs have been about footjobs. What did you all think ‘Entombment of a Machine’ or ‘The Celestial Antidote’ were referring to? Get your head in the gutters, already.”

Longtime fans of the band expressed surprise at the revelation of the band’s true common themes.

“I always thought their stuff was about like, corruption and religion, so I’m not sure how to feel about all this foot masturbation stuff,” confessed fan Greg Hortley, who has seen Job for a Cowboy 7 times. “But now I am noticing little hidden feet in the album artwork and hearing whispers of ‘pinky pinky toe’ panned hard left in some songs. The ‘Doom’ EP is one of my favorite albums ever, and I just gave a copy to my teenage nephew who is just getting into metal. Now, I gotta sneak in and steal that weirdo shit back.”

Cowboys offered a possible explanation for the link between their profession and foot-based sexual stimulation.

“Not a lot of people know this, but the life of a cowboy is about 30% ranching, 70% footjobs,” said longtime Arizona rancher Ned O’Malley. “Receiving and giving, mind you. I’ve seen a ton of country music fans move out to the prairie because they think they can hang with the real cowboys. But when it comes time to stroke off someone with your feet or shove a toe somewhere, they run back to their lattes and apartments. Life on the farm ain’t for everyone, I can tell you that.”

Since the announcement, rumors have swirled that Quentin Tarantino has tapped Job for a Cowboy to score his next film.

Photo by Hervegirod.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Fight Off The Impending Bedbug Army

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week, another slew of new music. Of course, you don’t know that because you’ve been listening to Title Fight exclusively for the last five years. To say we’re concerned about you doesn’t even begin to describe our level of disturbance. There’s an entire world out there, and you’re banishing yourself from it with your dated and uncomplicated tastes. Fear not, we’re here to break you out of the vicious cycle that has consumed you whole. Here are eight songs to help guide you into a magical state in which you have relevant pop-culture references and maybe even friends.

Blink-182 “Dance With Me”

As their forthcoming album looms ever closer, the newly reformed blink-182 continues to pummel us with new hit after new hit. “Dance With Me” – whose accompanying video features an inexplicable scene in which a nearly 50-year-old Tom Delonge, dressed as a barely passable Joey Ramone, breaks through a wall to non-consensually grab a guy’s dick – is as much of a return to form as any we’ve heard from the band at this point. It’s got that thing where the guitar drops out and Mark just plays a single bass note really fast with the drums. It’s got a chant along part in the chorus (featuring an ‘o’le’ for some reason). It also has Travis doing his patented batshit drum fills all over the place. Sure, it’s no ‘First Date,’ but it gets the job done.

FIDLAR “Move On”

FIDLAR’s latest details the trials and tribulations of starting anew when ‘best friends turn into used-to-be-friends’ according to lead singer Zac Carter. Weaving from genres as disparate as metal and ska, ‘Move On’ is a blistering ride that is sure to make you feel better about your utter and complete inability to accept adulthood realities and their sorrows. While we’re used to hearing the likes of the now-trio FIDLAR on video game soundtracks like ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater,’ it appears this single in particular is headed for EA Sports’ upcoming ‘NHL 2K4’ soundtrack, fulfilling long foretold punk and hardcore prophecies.

Lung “Cash Machine”

Cincinnati, Ohio’s larger than life cello/drum duo is back at it. This time in the form of a split LP with Conan Neutron & the Secret Friends, entitled ‘Adult Prom.’ While we’re pretty sure it’s the soundtrack to the scariest imaginary school dance we’ve ever attended, it undeniably rips in its entirety. If you’re new to either band, ‘Cash Machine’ – which is sadly not a cover of Shelley FKA Dram’s song of the same name, but still great – serves as an incredible primer for those getting into Lung, as it features their signature dizzying harmonies and shark-toothed cello from Kate Wakefield, as well as kick-your-entire-shit-in drums from Daisy Caplan.

Mary Lynn “Turn It Around”

Have you ever wondered what it would sound like if Taylor Swift hung out with a bunch of dirty punks (Matt Healy doesn’t count) and recorded a rock record? Wonder no more, because singer-songwriter Mary Lynn has made your depraved thoughts a reality. On her third record, ‘Where I Wanna Be,’ MMFL (as she is lovingly known as by fans) blends her trademark powerhouse hooks and lyrical vulnerability with ferocious guitars and a thundering rhythm section, marking a notable departure from her previous piano-driven efforts. Album highlight ‘Turn It Around’ is a raucous power-pop hit that’s sure to ‘turn around’ whatever sour mood you’re inevitably in today.

Jobs “There Is Differing”

We’ll be honest, we’re not sure this is even music but that isn’t stopping one of our senior writers from playing it on repeat while demanding we acknowledge it as such. To say it’s grown on us would be an understatement. Brooklyn’s experimental quartet JOBS has a long history of toying with the boundaries of the indie-pop-realm, and ‘This Is Differing’ from their latest album ‘Soft Sounds’ is anything but ‘differing’ from their norm. While their genre is incredibly difficult to pinpoint, be warned that this track may kick-start your recurring prog phase. We won’t apologize to you or your friends due to the aforementioned warning.

Blood Command “Bare Witness”

Oh shiiiiiiit. Blood Command is back, and apparently with a fucking vengeance. Their latest album ‘World Domination’ rips through twenty blazing death pop tracks in just over a half an hour, making for a disorienting, chaotic, incredibly satisfying ride. Album highlight ‘Bare Witness’ combines some of the band’s heaviest elements into one mini-epic that barely breaks the two-minute mark. Let this be a lesson that no one wants to wait a full three minutes for your hardcore band to get to the breakdown.

U.D.O “Touchdown”

Fall is here. It’s the season of colorful crunchy leaves, gourd flavored coffee drinks, and grown men having near heart attacks and brain aneurysms when their favorite football team fails to do the thing they’re supposed to do with the ball, or whatever. Whether you’re a rabid fan or think the whole sport is stupid, Germany’s long-standing heavy metal institution U.D.O has you covered with their single ‘Touchdown.’ Maybe it’s syntax, but the brilliant thing about this one is there is no way to tell if its lyrics are sincere or satirical, making it a great song to play on game day or in front of the friends to which you pretend not to like sports.

Viagra Boys “Punk Rock Loser”

Every weekday, at around 8:55 in the morning, a flurry of interns at Hard Times HQ scramble to set up a complex series of Bluetooth speakers leading to the front door of our offices. From there they queue up last year’s Viagra Boys single ‘Punk Rock Loser’ and wait for our Managing Editor’s Uber to arrive. A clause in her contract requires us to provide her with a walk-in theme. It’s incredibly disruptive, and it doesn’t look half as cool as she thinks it does when she walks in deliberate slow-motion to the entrance of the writer’s room, but rules are rules and we’re afraid of her lawyer.

Is Outlaw Country Back? I’m “Permanently Banned” From This Texas Roadhouse

Posted on by Matt Kennedy

Ride ’em in rawhide. From the Rough Riders of the Old West to the wandering yodel of Hank Williams, being a true outlaw is planted deep within the DNA of America. So when I was getting my ass tossed from Texas Roadhouse a week ago I knew that Outlaw Country was coming back and somewhere up in heaven Waylon and the boys were smiling down on me while lighting up a few cigs and blowing a few lines of the ole Devil’s Dandruff.

The original outlaws of country music knew that their sound would never be accepted by the gatekeepers of Nashville. They were a little too rough, a little too ragged, a little too loud. That is exactly how I felt when I pulled into that Texas Roadhouse parking lot a week ago. The corporate big wigs had all their rules and regulations in place but big fucking deal. I knew they were never going to contain me. I was going to give the people what they wanted, whether they wanted it or not.

Waylon, Willie, Johnny and the boys knew that before they stepped out on that stage they had to properly fuel up. I parked my ass at the bar and immediately ordered three shots of Everclear with three pickle backs.I knocked the shots back and settled in. I destroyed the complimentary bread and apple butter. I ordered another three shots and three picklebacks. I immediately went into the bathroom to vomit. I couldn’t be stopped, the country legends were speaking to me.

I stumbled back to my barstool in true outlaw fashion, the vomit still hot on my breath. Nothing was going to stop me now. I lit up a cigarette and the barkeep told me “I’m sorry sir, there’s no smoking here.” Did he have any idea who he was talking to?

I replied to him with a simple, “you think I give a fuck?”

I then lit the napkin with my lighter. The embers from the cigarette and napkin were fueling my desire. There was no turning back now, I was a country legend. After I lit two more cigarettes much to the dismay of the bartender he apparently had enough and Security escorted me out.

All in all it was a successful day for this country legend and I knew I had done my part to keep the tradition alive.

Entire Family On Edge After Dad Brings Guitar, Amp Out of Storage

Posted on by John Danek

SAGINAW, Mich. — Father, husband, and delivery driver Gary Lillet recently exhumed his Fender Telecaster guitar and Peavey Classic 30 amp from a storage unit, leaving the rest of his family in a state of fear, embarrassment, and panic.

“I started seeing some worrying signs a few months ago–Gary started rewatching his Led Zeppelin ‘The Song Remains the Same’ DVD while slugging Evan Williams bourbon,” recalled wife Doreen Lillet, who is thankful to have a divorce attorney as a sister. “Then one day, he lugged the amp in from the car, wheezing heavily as the kids and I watched in horror. He hasn’t plugged it in yet, but he keeps saying things about needing ‘some strings and pedals and a capo.’ What the fuck is he talking about? My god, my family is falling apart.”

Mr. Lillet hopes to start jamming with some coworkers and learn some covers, completely unaware of the devastating effects it will have on his loved ones.

“I haven’t been this excited about anything since before I had kids. I can’t wait to jam with the fellas!” exclaimed Lillet, who hasn’t yet told his wife that he was recently laid off from his UPS job. “It just feels good to be excited about music again and get the blood flowing with some good ol’ fashioned classic rock. I have a lot more free time on my hands because of, uh, reasons. But that’s neither here nor there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta find and print some tabs for ‘Gimme Three Steps.’”

Veterans of the music industry offered their analysis of this common type of mid-life crisis.

“A dude like that walks in here almost every day, and I can tell by the doofy expression exactly what is happening,” explained Drew Noreldo, longtime sales associate at the Guitar Center in northern Saginaw. “They seem confused, scared, and hopeful while simultaneously looking sadder than an abandoned three-legged puppy. I help them by selling them on the most garish guitars or expensive pedals in the shop and send them on their way. Those are my biggest paydays. Is it unethical? Maybe. But they’ll play two shows at the local bar before quitting, and I need to pay rent. So down this path I continue.”

The Lillet Family situation has reportedly worsened significantly after Gary was caught creating a Facebook page for his currently unnamed band and inviting all of his children’s friends to like it.

43-Year-Old Wearing Descendents T-Shirt and Skinny Jeans Addressed as “Sir” by Hot Topic Staff

Posted on by James Knapp

BEL AIR, Md. — Elder punk Cameron McClintock was recently addressed as “sir” by staff at an area Hot Topic while wearing an aged “Milo Goes To College” t-shirt and a pair of light gray skinny jeans during a recent nostalgia stop into the retail store, sources who had no fucking idea how long it’s been confirmed.

“I was just tooling around the mall while I was waiting for my wife and son to be done at Lenscrafters, and I figured ‘why the hell not?’ I used to buy band shirts at Hot Topic all the time, so it could be fun to see what it’s like nowadays,” began McClintock. “But as soon as I walked in the cashier asked me if I was lost and if I needed help finding my niece. Judging by the number of band names I didn’t recognize on the t-shirt wall and the sheer amount of anime figurines, I can’t really say I blame them.”

Hot Topic assistant manager Veronica Stepply explained their reverence for elderly punks, goths, and the occasional nu-metal dad.

“I never used to think that respecting your elders was important. But then I read a Reddit thread about ageism and now I realize how much these poor, wisened, wrinkly souls deserve to be treated with dignity,” stated Steeply. “When that ‘Milo’ guy came in here earlier, I knew he was out of his element. But then I thought, you know, maybe someday I’ll be old. And on that day, I’ll also want to be given directions to the nearest soft pretzel kiosk without even having to ask.”

Rodney “Mosh King ” Jones, secretary for the Pre-retirement Organization for Older Punks, has consistently advocated for the dignified treatment of middle-aged former mall punks.

“Older suburban punks are often overlooked. Sure, old-ass Boston hardcore dudes can just phase into liking hockey too much, but what about the kids who had to buy their Dropkick Murphys shirts from the same place that sells Hello Kitty handbags?” explained Jones. “We here at POOP are glad that Mr. McClintock was treated fairly and with respect. That Hot Topic franchise will be receiving our organization’s highest honor – the POOP ‘Award of Senior Service’ (ASS).”

At press time, McClintock bought a couple of “Nightmare Before Christmas” pins out of obligation then walked across the mall to Lenscrafters to see how much his kids’ new glasses were gonna cost.

Sad: Dad Loved Kids Best Way He Knew How

Posted on by Dom Turek

There’s nothing sadder than finding out someone who sucks at their job was giving it their all, and this also applies to fatherhood. Who could have guessed the outcome of your dad “doing his best” would still result in domestic violence and week-long gambling benders?

“I wanted to provide my kids with a better life than I had when I was growing up,” said father of four Frank Signorelli, who is giving his kids the same exact life he had but with more electronics. “As an opponent of corporal punishment, I find that just threatening to hit your kids and breaking objects close to their heads instills enough fear in them that physical violence is rarely necessary. Growing up, I wish I had that luxury, but we can’t all be so lucky.”

Early on, Signorelli made it a point to instill in his children the importance of family.

“I can’t imagine where I’d be today without his conditional love and the omnipresent sense of guilt I inherited from his shame dumping,” said Joe Signorelli, Frank’s only non-estranged son. “My dad is my best friend. He taught me everything I need to know about becoming a father because I was parentified at such a young age.”

Unfortunately, the perceived closeness between a father and son is likely a symptom of codependency fostered by the child’s unmet need to be loved and validated, according to a study on family dynamics conducted by psychodynamic therapist Amy Chung.

“There’s no quicker way to tell me your childhood was dog shit than to tell me your dad ‘did the best he could with what he had at the time,’” said Chung. “Years of case studies and qualitative research have proved my working theory that dads who ‘do their best’ are also the best at smoking Marlboro 100s with all the car windows rolled up and a handful of unbuckled kids rolling around in the backseat of an unregistered Dodge Caravan.”

Although there are no rules for being the perfect parent, Signorelli adheres to the golden rule of never going to bed angry, instead opting to go to sleep so drunk that he is unable to distinguish between good and bad emotions.

Masked Singer Silently Standing There Revealed to Be Mitch McConnell

Posted on by Brett McCabe

LOS ANGELES — Audience members in attendance at a recent taping of “The Masked Singer” were stunned when the contestant standing there frozen for three full minutes was revealed to be Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell

“He came out, showed some real promise by nailing the first ten seconds of ‘(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life,’ and then it’s like someone hit the pause button,” said judge Robin Thicke, moments before having to craft another apology for sexual abuse. “He came out dressed as a giant spider called Tartaruga and the whole crowd was behind him. Then he froze, missed the rest of the first verse and the chorus, and then his aide dressed as Lebre the Hare did her best to pick up the pieces. It wasn’t until he collapsed and the head rolled off that we realized it was Senator McConnell, but now it seems so obvious.”

“Jenny (McCarthy) kept insisting it had something to do with the vaccinations, but I think it might be the fact he’s like a million years old,’ added Thicke.

Audience member Carly Brown had mixed emotions about the reveal.

“At first I was worried that maybe it was Chris Hemsworth in the costume and that he had gotten real bad stage fright, but when that nasty spider head came off and it revealed an even nastier creature underneath I felt like the show had betrayed me a little bit,” said Brown. “I want people like Nick Carter and Jojo Sewa on the show, having a dying old man collapse on stage while Nick Cannon stands there stunned isn’t going to get me to tune in.”

Doctors for the Senator were quick to give him a clean bill of health as soon as his basic cognitive functions resumed.

“I have consulted with Senator McConnell and conferred with his neurology team. After evaluating yesterday’s incident, I have informed the Minority Leader that he is medically clear to continue with his karaoke schedule as planned and that I see absolutely nothing wrong with these frequent episodes where he enters a zombie-like trance,” said Dr. Brian Monahan, the attending doctor for the Capitol. ”Senator McConnel was fed his normal diet of cabbage and dandelions before being sent home and plans to resume his important work on Capitol Hill tomorrow.”

Senator McConnell’s team announced his current health issues will not prevent him from auditioning for the lead on the second season of “The Golden Bachelor.”

In an Attempt To Lift This Demonic Curse, We Ranked the Best Horror Movie From Each State

Posted on by Dan Rice

Call me a ‘90s kid, but I have a lot of nostalgia for going into cool shops and browsing around. Sadly, in the age of online shopping, even record stores are becoming a novelty. That’s why I was so excited to visit Archive Arcane for the first time. Friends had told me all about this quirky little shop’s wide array of 2nd hand hard copy media, posters, horror merch, and memorabilia. What they did not tell me was that the proprietor was a sinister witch.

Evidently, she had her eye on me the whole time as I perused with no real shopping agenda. She grew resentful watching me briefly contemplate wasting $300 on a “Return of the Living Dead Part 2” ceramic bust here or $500 on a replica “Hellraiser” puzzle box there only to put the items down and move on. When I finally stepped up to the register 5 minutes after closing (oops) with nothing but a $3 VHS enamel pin, I incurred her demonic wrath. In a creepy old gypsy voice that was clearly not her voice and frankly a little problematic, she said “I curse you for your indecision! You will become… MERCH!”

I thought nothing of it of course, until the next day when friends pointed out that my tracking was off. I looked in the mirror and sure enough, there were staticky white lines all over the top and bottom of my face. I raised my hand to wipe them away and realized I was wearing a Freddy Krueger glove, with a tag that read “Screen Quality replica – $245.” I removed the glove only to find my hand had been replaced with a Korean laserdisc copy of “Chopping Mall.” Slowly but surely, I was becoming niche memorabilia.

After consulting with various experts in the paranormal, it is my hope that by proving I can be decisive, I will lift the curse and avoid my fate of becoming just another overpriced item on one of Madam Arcane’s kitschy shelves. In an effort to cheat my macabre fate and preserve my humanity, here is my list of the best horror movies set in every U.S. state:

Alabama: “Manhunter” (1986)

Michael Mann’s adaptation of “Red Dragon,” the prequel to “The Silence of The Lambs” is stylish, kinetic and truly unnerving. Brian Cox’s take on Hannibal Lecter is severely underrated, and character actor Tom Noonan is every bit as unsettling as he would go on to be in films like “The House of the Devil.” I just threw up a bunch of creepy crawlers. There isn’t much time.

Alaska: “30 Days of Night” (2007)

Vampires wreak havoc on an isolated Alaskan town that experiences 30 straight days of darkness every winter. It’s an interesting premise that the film doesn’t quite live up to, but my right foot is now a Gizmo doll and I’m not sure if “The Grey” counts as horror so let’s move on.

Arizona: “The Prophecy” (1995)

Angered that God gave souls to man, an archangel played by Christopher Walken wages war in heaven, and seeks the ultimate weapon, which is a retired general in Arizona for some reason. It’s a lot less scary now that I know catholicism is bogus and whatever religion that lady who cursed me follows is clearly the right one.

Arkansas: “The Town That Dreaded Sundown” (1976)

Fun fact: The original Jason Voorhees costume from “Friday The 13th Part 2” is a direct ripoff of the killer in this movie, which is based on actual events.
Not so fun fact: My dick turned into a Pinhead.

California: “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1978)

There are a ton of horror movies set in L.A., but none of them are quite as iconic as this San Fransisco-based remake of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” The movie starts with a cozy ‘70s vibe which soon gives way to paranoia, an unhinged young Jeff Goldblum, and one of the most unnerving endings in film history. There, I made my decision. Please spirits, stop turning my thumb into a people-pod!

Colorado: “The Shining” (1980)

Easy pick here. “The Shining” isn’t just considered one of the greatest horror movies of all time, it’s considered one of the greatest movies period. Hey, I just got a shining from the witch lady who cursed me. She says this is a waste of time and I suck.

https://youtu.be/A-tgsURVNrI?si=MDmA8bZ2HKSCyXNh

Connecticut: “The Innkeepers” (2011)

There’s nothing more Connecticut than a small haunted hotel in a quaint little town. Based on and primarily filmed in an allegedly haunted Inn in Torrington CT, Ty West’s “The Innkeepers” is an instant classic of New England horror. Hey, spirits, can I have my penis back?

Delaware: “Survival of the Dead” (2009)

Not Romero’s best, arguably his worst in fact, but do you know how many movies are set in Deleware? Like five.

Florida: “Day of the Dead” (1985)

The worst entry of Romero’s initial Dead trilogy is still one of the best zombie movies ever made. It can’t be said to really capture the essence of Florida since most of the movie takes place in an underground bunker, but then again if I had to live in Florida that’s where I would want to stay too. In real life, there are worse things than zombies in the Sunshine State.

Georgia: “The Stuff” (1985)

This B-movie classic is set in Georgia, and Michael Moriarty has the community theater-level southern accent to prove it!

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The Top 20 Songs by The Strokes to Reminisce About During Your Colonoscopy

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Time to trade in The Strokes for the pokes as you head for your first colonoscopy. You honestly thought this day would never come, living that gentrifier bohemian life of the early 2000s New York indie rock scene. Bring your ears back to Brooklyn and dive into the top 20 songs by The Strokes to help distract you on your big special day. Think about the wild nights of your early twenties and how poor decision-making has added extra urgency. The appointment is set – time to see the doc and act cool for the camera!

“Someday”

You are solidly in your mid-40s, pal. No more riding around the facts and saying “someday” to your colonoscopy. Plus your family has a history of colon cancer, so this is actually pretty fucking important to get checked out. You listen to this upbeat tune from their first album and take an Uber but lie to the driver for some reason about where you’re going. You say you’re going to Trader Joe’s, even though he watches you walk into Sunshine Gastroenterology.

“What Ever Happened?”

What happened to you, man? You used to party all night at The Knitting Factory shows. The Moldy Peaches once stayed on your couch. You knew someone who knew someone who once made out with Karen O. You remember nosebleeds from railing lines off barstools, but now there’s just blood found in your own stool. It’s actually a really good thing that you’re getting this done, there’s been weird random gut pain whenever you crush a Bud Light Lime-A-Rita these days. Instead of knocking back shots, you’re chugging bowel prep medication. There’s just no way to make completely emptying yourself look hip, but you’ll somehow find a way.

“I’ll Try Anything Once (“You Only Live Once” demo)”

It’s your first time getting a colonoscopy so you’re a little nervous. You look around the waiting room, wondering when you lost your edge. You bet this kid reading a Highlights Magazine next to you never stayed up all night dancing on a Brooklyn brownstone rooftop, smoking and watching fireworks, that’s for sure. What a square. You were in Brooklyn before it was even cool, man. You throw on your AirPods and crank up The Strokes to make sure you’ll be making a doctor’s visit for your tinnitus in the near future as well.

“Ask Me Anything”

You realize you should be going on more daily walks after they take your weight and have you fill out some paperwork. Your name is called and you go in to chat with Dr. Winogrand. You bet this boring old doctor hasn’t seen Julian Casblancas perform a solo show at Arlene’s Grocery, that’s for sure. That show was so dope, though. One of the best nights of your life. You high-five yourself mentally and look around at his diplomas as he asks about your extreme alcohol consumption, constant smoking and meat-rich diet. The conversation is so stressful you consider pounding a cigarette and a Slim Jim in the parking lot.

“Metabolism”

Remember when you used to scarf down two Papaya hot dogs, a Coke, a dollar slice of pizza and call it a night? Your metabolism was so impressive. Now it’s heartburn city and constant constipation. As the doctor scolds you because you haven’t eaten a vegetable since 2012, you think about how cool The Strokes looked in their tight fits and tousled hair. You reminisce about how you once aspired to look like that. You could never dress like them now in your lame suburban town. I bet your kind elderly neighbors don’t even know how to get to the L train.

“Bad Decisions”

This more recent song by The Strokes makes you wonder why you abandoned your creative pursuits. Instead of ever actually learning that guitar, the income from your horrendous finance job went straight up your nose or towards the all-night Williamsburg bar scene. You could even smoke in bars back then. You remember when the ban went into effect, as you change into your medical gown. You look fine on the outside but you know that a lifetime of bad decisions has left your stomach looking like a charred pot. Plus you sold that guitar years ago when you left NYC for the ‘burbs, you fucking normie.

“Under Control”

Let’s get this propofol rolling. You love their sophomore album and think about this song as the anesthesia team gets this party started. They lay you down on your left side and you think about how these popular sedative drugs would’ve been at your Lower East Side parties. That familiar childlike giddiness sets in and you stare sideways at a calendar that hasn’t been changed to this month yet. This minor details makes you question the competence of the medical staff but you’re way too high for your usual thrum of anxiety.

“Last Nite”

This is it. This is the song of questionable bathroom decisions at the Bowery Ballroom. This is the song you took a body shot off James Murphy to. This is the song you and your friends from Kim’s Video would blast from a railroad apartment at 3 a.m. You can’t help yourself, you dance a bit while lying down sideways. You love busting out a groove to this song but every time you try to do a little dance, the nurse tells you to stay still or you could tear your colon lining.

“When it Started”

You are knocked out cold aaand it’s going in. Here we go. This is vulnerability. Almost as vulnerable as that night you blacked out at Pianos. There was an insane deal on PBR. They were “cool” again and those beer/shot combos were like sirens. You had completely evacuated your insides from all orifices in a nearby alley, lying in the fetal position until your roommate’s friend recognized you and somehow stuffed you into a cab. As the colonoscope travels up your rectum to your colon, there is comfort knowing you have a 6-pack of ice-cold PBR tallboys sitting in your fridge at this very moment. You tell yourself you bought them for nostalgia, not because they were steeply discounted.

“Under Cover of Darkness”

It is fully inside, plunged in the darkness known as you. Life wasn’t always a bed of roses in New York, man. Such an expensive city. $20 flies out of your pocket every time you step outside. Getting your life together after the 2008 recession was tricky, too. You remember you couldn’t go to a Strokes concert at Rockwood Music Hall because you had taken some temp job commuting from fucking Long Island and had a work function conflict. That was the beginning of the end, man. Soon you’d be barbecuing in the suburbs, where Steve down the road hasn’t even heard of TV on the Radio. Steve keeps inviting you to pickleball, but death seems more appealing.

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Punk Cat Keeps Leaving Dead Kennedys Merch on Owner’s Pillow

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

SAN JOSE, Calif. – Resident punk housecat Marigold keeps bringing Dead Kennedys merchandise to her owner and dropping it on her pillow every night, report confused residents who initially reached for mousetraps and pesticides.

“First it was a couple guitar picks that I thought were moths she’d killed — but they had this weird red and white design,” recalled Marigold’s owner Ashlyn Pierrette while delicately holding up two tooth-punctured picks bearing the band’s logo. “Then she came in with a huge sock in her mouth that said ‘Bedtime for Democracy,’ so I started getting really worried about what she’s trying to tell me and what kind of crowd she’s been hanging out with. You know, it’s probably that feral tabby with the filthy fur that’s always lurking in our driveway.”

Pierrette’s friend Casey Lamoni, a longtime Dead Kennedys fan, applauded Marigold’s efforts to introduce her owner to the influential hardcare punk band.

“Ashlyn doesn’t listen to that kind of music and is basically the opposite of punk,” Lamoni explained. “But I always knew that cat had good taste and solid politics. She hates any toy that Ash buys for her because she rejects consumerism. She was absolutely an anti-establishment squatter before she got adopted. One time when she coughed up a hairball, it even sounded like she was singing ‘kill, kill, kill, kill, kill the poor.’”

According to feline behaviorist Marc Burney, cats drop gifts on their owners’ pillows for many reasons, but most often to demonstrate their hunting skills or assert their political beliefs and music preferences.

“Whether it’s a decapitated rodent, a vegan soy-based rodent, or ‘Mutiny on the Bay’ 12” vinyl they’re presenting, this instinctual behavior is an evolutionary response,” Burney explained. “Cats leave things on their owners’ beds to bond and send a message. Young punk cats like Marigold, or ‘Mari Mayhem’ as she’s known around town, have a critical responsibility to spread awareness of the scene. They’re working hard to encourage their owners to buy a record player and look into revolutionary politics. Or at least look up the name of the band.”

At press time, Marigold had begun spray painting “Nazi punks fuck off” on the wall of her litter box.