“The O.C.” is one of the defining teen dramas of the early 2000s, an epic tale of class differences, growing up, corruption, and that time they used Imogen Heap’s “Hide And Seek” when Marissa totally shot Ryan’s brother, Trey, because what else could she do? He was strangling Ryan!
One of the most important aspects of “The O.C.” is its iconic setting, the rich and powerful neighborhoods of California’s Orange County. And while we never hear much discussion of actual politics during the course of the show’s four seasons, it’s fair to say a bunch of these Richie-Richs are right-wing conservative assholes.
By now, some of the beloved characters we watched get punched on the beach, learn about Christmakkuh, and have brief lesbian relationships are undoubtedly hardcore Trump supporters Let’s break down exactly how MAGA these “O.C.” characters have become since we saw them last.
50. Sandy Cohen
Sandy would never become a Trump supporter. He’s a bleeding-heart liberal, from his loafers to those incredibly sexy bushy eyebrows. This is a guy who adopted a kid from Chino, but let’s be fair, it was a White kid, and his own child was kind of a dud. Real Biden voter here.
49. Luke Ward
Surprised that the “Welcome to the O.C., bitch” guy is this far down the list? Sure, he may be a dick, but Luke is the guy who learned to deal with his own homophobic feelings after his dad turned to be a closeted car dealer and then moved to Portland, where we assume he joined a folk-punk band, so he’s probably pretty Blue.
48. Ryan Atwood
Ryan is exactly the kind of working-class White kid full of resentment and anger you would go straight-up MAGA. But look at his track record: adopted Jewish brother, Latina girlfriend, dead White girlfriend. This kid knows the value of diversity in American culture.
47. Dr. Kim
The Dean of Harbor High School has seen some shit. Every student she’s ever seen has OD’d, held someone at gunpoint, or been poor, and she dealt with them all with a fair hand and didn’t even accuse them of being part of a vast pedophile conspiracy. That’s really all we can expect from educators at this point.
46. Carson Ward
Luke’s mom barely appeared in the series, which means that she doesn’t have the screen presence to join something like Moms for Liberty and, by default, isn’t as bad as she could. Count your blessings, gay-cuckolded Mom.
45. Sophie Cohen
Grandma Cohen would hate Trump with a passion, but don’t think that makes her liberal. She hates estate taxes and would spit on the grave of FDR if she could, and by that, we mean if she could again. She’s really overbearing, but she knows Anti-Semitism when she sees it.
44. Lindsay Gardner
This shameless Lindsay Lohan clone has a “Dennis Kucinich for President” bumper sticker, and her dad is a ruthless capitalist asshole. She could only be an Ivanka-style MAGA icon or go hard in the other direction, and she chose the second one. Plus, she moved to Chicago, which we all know is a Godless liberal hellhole, so she’s for sure not MAGA.
43. Rebecca Bloom
Rebecca Bloom, AKA Sandy’s sketchy college ex-girlfriend, might have killed a man and burnt down a lab, or maybe she didn’t. It’s pretty unclear, unlike her intentions to fuck a married guy she once took a Writing 101 class with. Either way, she refused to narc on the friends who may or may not have burnt down that lab, which differentiates her from pretty much everyone in Trump’s inner circle. She’s a scumbag (probably), but not that kind.
42. Kaitlin Cooper
This one is surprising because you’d think that Marissa Cooper’s even wilder younger sister would be asshole enough to, at the very least, start voting hardcore racist Republican because the boring white guy she inevitably settles down and marries would force her to. However, she’s actually more likely to end up being married to Trump someday, which would mean she would hate his guts with a fire previously unseen in this world.
41. Dennis “Chili” Childress
Dennis Childress (or “Chili,” as his buddies hated to call him) is your classic SoCal surfer dude: blonde and with a dead best friend. Plain and simple, this guy is too much of a dope even to be aware of politics, let alone a rabid white Christian nationalist movement to remove power from elected officials and place it in the hands of grifters. He’s too busy hanging ten, bro.
40. Julie Cooper
Much like her daughter Kaitlin, socialite mom Julie Cooper seems like she would be an automatic MAGA voter. She loves money, is willing to fuck old men, and hates poor people. However, she’s smart enough to recognize a scumbag when she sees it and probably isn’t even registered to vote. Voting is for Chino scum.
39. Holly Fischer
Holly Fischer was Marissa and Summer Roberts’ best friend at the beginning of the series, but she just couldn’t stop fucking Luke’s brains out at any opportunity. In all honesty, Holly would probably show up at a few MAGA rallies if she heard there were yard-long margaritas there, but her heart wouldn’t really be in it.
38. Theresa Diaz
The Latin community in the United States has a depressingly deep conservative streak, which raises the possibility that Ryan’s old girlfriend in Chino could have headed that direction. On the other hand, she was not okay with being physically abused by a domestic partner, which puts her at odds with one of the primary standards of the modern GOP.
37. Dr. Neil Roberts
Summer’s dad is Orange County’s premiere plastic surgeon and a devoted father who has spent his adult life ensuring that his children are cared for, feel appreciated, loved, and respected, and grow up with a solid sense of self. What we’re saying is that he and Trump probably don’t have a lot in common other than elective surgery.
36. Casey
Surfer girl Casey’s only purpose on the show was to cheat on her boyfriend with a different surfer and get angry at Marissa for being prettier than her. To be honest, we’re going to guess she’s not very conservative nowadays because she died of a meth overdose in 2008.
35. Alex Kelly
Alex Kelly was the bad girl of the O.C. social scene, which basically means she had purple streaks in her hair and dated women sometimes, which would barely qualify her as a chaotic-neutral girl these days. She’s too contrarian to really have a cohesive political stance beyond “you suck,” so she’d probably be a Bernie voter these days.
34. Hailey Nichol
Speaking of chaotic, Hailey Nichol is another of Orange County’s trademark wild child types lashing out against a rich daddy, or a Tiffany Trump, if you will. While many rebels end up going neo-con when they (figuratively) grow up, Hailey managed to find enough stability over the course of the show to be judgmental about others, which makes her a perfect Hillary voter.
33. Brad Ward
The younger brother of Luke, this California funboy somehow had less personality than anyone but his twin brother Eric. When his older brother moved to Portland to be indoctrinated by hippie liberals, Brad stayed behind to uphold his legacy of being the biggest idiot on the beach. Undoubtedly, he could not name the current President if his life depended on it, let alone figure out what “MAGA” stands for.
32. Eric Ward
See above, but flip the names.
31. Heather
Heather with no last name once helped kidnap Marissa, helping to trigger the events that (spoiler!) led to her death, but also managed to realize maybe she shouldn’t be helping evil people out of resentment for others. We like to think she enrolled in community college, currently works as a vet tech, and isn’t “very political.”
30. Gordon Bullit
Gordon “The Bullet” Bullit is a wealthy Texas oilman and, as such, probably has some unpleasant views about race and which ones are best. However, he’s willing to ‘fess up that he’s done some prison time and probably would get along terribly with the Trump family, so he’d probably back whoever the current-day equivalent of Ross Perot is, just for kicks. Beto, maybe?
Coming in last is this latter-day R.L. Stine entry. A snowman in Pasadena? I don’t need to read to know that makes absolutely no sense.
This one actually got me closer than any book on the list to wishing I could read, but once a friend told me the book didn’t actually teach you how to fly I couldn’t possibly care less. The picture on the cover isn’t even cool, what’s the point?
I don’t need to know how to read to know that something called “Ghost Camp” is a lazy, derivative rehash of well-worn horror tropes not worth going through all the trouble of learning the difference between consonants and vowels.
Pretty cool cover art, but when you think about it, the skin is like the least scary part of the werewolf. It’s the fur, fangs, and claws that do all the heavy lifting fear-wise. Pretty astute breakdown from an illiterate huh? Alexa, add thinky face emoji.
Hmm, maybe because they sting? Wow, look at that, I solved the case! And all without reading a single word ever in my life. It’s almost like Mrs. Hoopler was wrong and wasted her time trying to “get through” to me.
It’s got a bunch of rad dinosaurs on the cover, which was pretty cool in the zeitgeist at the time, but thankfully Jim Henson came out with a little TV show called “Dinosaurs” so kids like me didn’t need to read to enjoy them. That man did so much for children!
Honestly, there are way cooler-looking mummies on other Goosebumps books. Swing and a miss as usual Scholastic.
As a boy my father would sometimes bring me to job sites and help take down fencing, to build character. He assured me that this was just for appearances because poors liked that kind of thing, and I didn’t really need to do anything. Still, I hated it, because sometimes we would be working at people’s homes, and there would be lawn gnomes. Who were they? Why did they look so smug, what did they want?! I thought if I knew how to read this book could give me some insight, but then Dad got me a new BMX and I forgot all about it.
I do love werewolves, but you know how it is. You sit down to learn to read and it’s all “conjugate this” and “pluralize that” and aaaah, it’s just a mess. Thank god for generational wealth.
From what I gleaned during lunchroom chatter, this one’s about two boys who visit the Tower of Terror. As a lifelong Disney season pass holder I firmly say “Big deal.”
Put it back on the shelf as soon as my friend Tommy read the title for me. If the book was boasting that it COULD scare me, that would be something, but this? Man, why does anyone learn to read?
The giant ant on the cover is badass, but I know a dumb title when I hear it. “Shock Street?” Really R.L. Stine? I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, because you are an author and I am a well-to-do functioning illiterate, but you can do better.
This one had me intrigued. My mother insisted that I take piano lessons and I hated them. I thought that maybe armed with the knowledge in this book’s pages I could make the case that piano lessons were dangerous, and she would stop making me go. Luckily, she became clinically depressed before any of that happened, and stopped taking me.
Double threat! Ghosts are scary, headless dudes are scary, a headless ghost?! Super scary. At least that was my initial thought. Then, as I approached the Scholastic checkout, I couldn’t help but think “Is this overkill?” A headless ghost is sort of a hat on a hat. Or, rather, a lack of hat on a lack of head? I don’t know, either way, nothing worth learning an entire written language for.
It’s like how Mrs. Hoopler wished I would start learning to read, and I never did. See? You don’t need to be literate to understand metaphors.
There was clearly a longing for another Soundgarden LP after their fifth/underrated LP “Down on the Upside,” and “King Animal,” the band’s first album in SIXTEEN years, wasn’t exactly sweet like that godawful MTV show featuring miscreant teenagers and even worse parents, but it’s always saccharine to hear Soundgarden. Also, another note worth mentioning is that this record debuted at number five on the Billboard 200, proving our hypothesis that we tested in a lab with our own blood all over the Canoga Park lab’s hamster feces-stained floor.
Whether you know it or not, Soundgarden are punk as fook, and their debut LP “Ultramega OK” came out on the rockin’ Easter of 1998 via Milo Aukerman of Bad Brains’ SST Records. Also, the band has mad Seattle cred because their prior EPs “Screaming Life” and “Fopp” were released via the legendary Sub Pop Records, former home to Foo Fighters, No Use For A Name, and Lady Gaga. Admittedly, the band wasn’t happy with how this record sounded production-wise, and publicly disavowed and disparaged the studio album on multiple occasions. Still, it’s not THAT bad, friends, but it obviously would’ve been ranked higher here if another producer sat behind the boards! In a clever way to showcase that the band was, uh, clever, track three is called “665,” and track five is called “667,” showcasing an obvious Satanic gap in the “Beyond the Wheel” position.
What’s weird about this incredible album is that it both deserves to be ranked higher AND lower at the same damn time; woah, Nelly! That is the beautifully clean, and not epically dusty paradox about Soundgarden, and their last ‘90s record “Down on the Upside” is pretty much all killer no filler front to back, up and down, side and on, and most importantly, tighter, tighter, pretty, and a rhinoceros that is a pacifist and doesn’t kill anyone in its way. Also, three of this album’s four singles are pretty unparalleled 20th-century rock songs in “Pretty Noose,” “Burden in My Hand,” and the epic AF “Blow Up the Outside World,” which is a top five single for the band, and don’t @ us if you disagree… Actually, please do in the comments.
Soundgarden’s sophomore LP/debut major label release “Louder Than Love,” which was released via A&M Records, former home to Bryan Adams, Sheryl Crow, Extreme, and Masked Intruder, rocks so much quieter than hate, and is the last SG studio album listed here with a “skip it” track. The band certainly ended the ‘80s in style with this one, and foreshadowed a new wave of popular music in the ‘90s that quickly killed Winger and Stewart Stevenson dead. In addition, the album’s cover art helped form a simple aesthetic in the ‘90s that highlighted sincere and badass rock in the Pacific Northwest. It must also be said that Terry Date, who later epically produced classic albums from Mother Love Bone, Deftones, Handsome, and Ugly, absolutely (out)shines here.
1991 was one of the most reverential/historic years for rock music since 1969, as Nirvana released “Nevermind,” Pearl Jam came out with “Ten,” Red Hot Chili Peppers finally put California on the map with “Blood Sugar Sex Magik,” and Keith Sweat released the metal album that ended all metal albums known as “Keep It Comin’.” While Soundgarden’s third LP “Badmotorfinger” had far less of an influence on popular culture than the others we listed above, it was truly a grower, and not a shower, and gets a lot of attention in rooms more than a thousand years wide and on top ten lists in inferior publications to this day. That says a lot about the staying power of “Badmotorfinger” and the combination of three words into one, which happened again for the band in 1994… And now we’re almost through, which started out “super,” and eventually became “known”!
“Black Hole Sun” is one of the weirdest songs by far to infect MTV, radio, high school gymnasiums, and your ratty cousin in Idaho’s boombox with one working speaker in the best way. Like its predecessor in 1991, Soundgarden picked a hell of a year to release their most superior LP “Superunknown,” and a wave of rock peers in different worlds like Weezer, The Offspring, Green Day, and Boyz II Men all came out with the albums that they are most known for in 1994. “Superunknown” stormed the gates of BIllboard with a number one spot on their top 200, and no one really complained about that, and Michael Beinhorn certainly didn’t, but YOU will. To close this tragically, it is forever haunting that this album closed with a song called “Like Suicide.” Our thoughts are always with the Cornell family, but not with Andy Bernard. Let him drown.
