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“Breaking Bad” Characters Ranked By How Effective They Would Be as a Spokesperson for the D.A.R.E. Program

Turns out, D.A.R.E. is more than just a t-shirt worn by people who do drugs recreationally. It’s also an education program aimed at deterring kids from smoking pot and snorting cocaine. For some reason, cops are always involved in it too. Weird.

It seems like it takes a lot of gumption or at least a middle school-level education to become an effective and convincing spokesperson for the program. You might also have to know some details about drugs. That’s why we ranked pretty much all characters from “Breaking Bad” by how well they’d handle spokespersonship duties.

50. Jack Welker

Uncle Jack’s swastika tattoo on his neck will only freak out the kids, but it’d make a good impression with the local police force he’d be working with. They’ll mainly want to know if it hurt when he got it, but in a way that asks, “Where can I get one?”

49. Krazy-8

No fully formed adult who cuts the crusts off their sandwiches can convince me that they are capable of functioning in a normal society that has programs meant to deter children from using heroin in fourth grade.

48. Elliot Schwartz 

Elliot is a huge dork. Plus he’s rich. No one is going to listen to guys like that, especially not children or other adults. We see right through their bullshit.

47. Kenny

Kenny is part of Jack’s white supremacist gang who once talked about the urge to “smack the shit” out of a kid when he sees them wearing a bicycle helmet. Childhood safety is just not front and center for this guy.

46. Diane Pinkman

Both of her sons use drugs, so she’s not terribly effective at deterring young people from smoking pot and meth. If anything, she inadvertently encourages it just by her presence.

45. George Merkert

This man is dull as hell. He’s one of those characters on a show who no one bothers to make a “best of” compilation on YouTube. That’s how little impact he had on us. That sort of forgettable quality will carry over into his D.A.R.E. spokesperson duties.

44. Bogden Wolynetz

Talking to children about the dangers of drugs is just like being a proprietor of a modestly successful car wash. At least that’s what Bogdan believes. Unfortunately, these kids are going to be bored the entire time, which will only make the drugs sound more appealing.

43. Donald Margolis

This guy can’t even handle the news that his daughter died. How is he supposed to deal with the stress of giving a speech to elementary school kids?

42. Declan

The Phoenix meth distributor looks like he listens to Joe Rogan’s podcast, so he’ll mainly talk to the children about DMT. Unfortunately, the kids already heard these stories from the police officers who spoke before him because they also like Joe Rogan. These students really can’t catch a break.

41. Clovis

Badger’s cousin operates a towing and vehicle repair service. On the surface that has nothing to do with D.A.R.E. leadership. But if you dig deeper, it still has no similarities. Clovis is out of his element here.

40. Gretchen Schwartz

If anyone is going to get through to these kids, it’s not going to be Gretchen. What a narc.

39. Dr. Delcavoli

Dr. Delcavoli is Walt’s physician and one of the top 10 oncologists in the US. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have many discernible personality traits. If you’re going to be a part of this program you’re going to need a thing the students can make fun of.

38. Patrick Kuby

In 2001, the Surgeon General placed the D.A.R.E. program in a category called “Ineffective Primary Prevention Programs.” This is what Patrick will mainly focus on while promoting the program.

37. Skyler White

All of the kids, parents, and administrative personnel would unjustifiably detest Skyler for some reason, and they’d unrelentingly talk shit about her online. But she’s just doing her best to keep the program together despite others’ attempts to thwart it from the inside.

36. Emilio Koyama

Emilio was Jesse’s original partner as a methamphetamine purveyor before Pinkman went with someone a little more his dad’s age. Not sure how Emilio would handle kids, but he didn’t seem to take Jesse’s departure well. You need emotional intelligence to peddle meth and talk to kids about drugs.

35. Walter White Jr.

Walter Junior goes by Flynn now. It is unclear why someone would go with a worse name as their alias. He can’t be trusted.

34. Eladio Vuente

Being a member of the cartel means you know a thing or two about drugs. Mainly the enterprise side of it. The kids will inadvertently learn about illegal businesses and he will inspire a handful of budding drug lord entrepreneurs in the process. This is not what the D.A.R.E. program is all about. No one knows for sure what it’s exactly about.

33. Marie Schrader

Every garment of clothing Marie wears will be a shade of purple. Even her shoes. This will be distracting. Most of the questions at the end of her presentation will be about her one-note fashion choices. Rightfully so.

32. Christian “Combo” Ortega

Combo thinks this is a pro-drug seminar, so he’ll speak directly to the children about the benefits of meth. While this is effective, it’s not part of the assignment.

31. Carmen Molina

Carmen is the principal of a school. Kids are more likely to listen to the janitor of the school than the leader of it. Unless of course you’re a nerd student. In which case, you’re probably never doing drugs anyway.

30. Group Leader

This guy basically does this kind of thing for fun. However, he’s mainly dealt with adults who are trying to kick drugs to this point. He’ll have a tough road ahead of him if he wants to convince kids to stop using drugs they’re not even taking yet.

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