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Punk in Airplane Spots Smokable Cigarette Butt 33,000 Feet Below

OKLAHOMA CITY — Punk fan Tamara Washington recently saw a perfectly smokable cigarette butt on the ground from more than 33,000 feet in the air while on flight UAL2226 from Newark to Los Angeles, according to impressed and slightly concerned sources.

“I saw it clear as day. It was definitely a Marlboro Red, Camel, or maybe even USA Gold. Something with a brown filter,” said Washington as she drew anarchy logos all over the safety instructions brochure. “I can see cigarette butts from miles away, even at night. I also smell beer open cans for a three-block radius, and hear spare change from even further than that. My friends say I’m like a punk rock superhero, but fuck that shit. ASAB, all superheroes are bastards.”

Wilfred Darius sat next to Washington on the cross-country flight.

“What’s crazy is she wasn’t even in the window seat.” said Darius while desperately trying to get more air to come out of his pointy little vent. “She was restless the whole flight, constantly drumming on her lap and asking me if I had any games on my phone. A of a sudden she nearly lept out of her seat, leaning over me and staring at the earth below with wide-eyed excitement. She said there was nearly half a cigarette on the ground down there, and it wasn’t even wet or anything. I don’t know if she expected the plane to turn around so she could grab it, or if she’s going to make her way back there after we land, or what.”

United Airlines flight attendant Germaine St. Lawrence says that punks have become a nuisance-in-the-sky in recent months.

“I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve never seen anything like it,” said St. Lawrence while passengers waited for him to stop blocking the aisle with the beverage cart so they could pee. “They’re pasting fliers in the bathroom, setting up squats in the emergency aisle, and there was even a full-blown show one night. How they got that many instruments through security and onto the plane is beyond me. And frankly, I know they didn’t pay for all those plane tickets themselves.”

At press time, Washington was seen making her way towards a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage just outside baggage claim.