SALT LAKE CITY — Local Metal Singer Caleb Blackburn recently found that the secret to honing his screaming skills is to attempt to have any sort of meaningful interaction in a bar, multiple sources confirmed.
“I need my voice to be in tip-top shape for our band’s upcoming album. We’ve been building a lot of hype in the local scene and there are upwards of 11 people really looking forward to it,” said Blackburn while smoking his fifth cigarette of the morning. “Bars are the perfect environment to really craft my style. Where else do you have to fight so hard just to be audible that it’s almost not worth the $20 dollar drinks and permanent hearing loss? Sound familiar? Yeah, concerts are the exact same thing. It’s like training for a marathon in Nepal.”
Bar frequenter, Dillon McPherson, was impressed by Blackburn’s commitment,
“I think he was hitting on me, or maybe trying to sell me something. I woke up the next morning with his band’s business card, but the card had lipstick on it. I’m not sure what that means,” said McPherson, dialing the number on the card. “Either way, it was so cool how many times he repeated what he was saying after I couldn’t hear him. I think I said ‘What?’ like 50 times, and when I finally gave up and said never mind, he grabbed me by the shoulders, shook me, and his lips read ‘NO, I NEED THIS.’ Not impressive enough to get me to listen to his music, but I admire the effort.”
The bar owner, Daniela Wolf, is just happy to be helping out artists,
“Caleb came over to me to thank me, I think, but I couldn’t hear a single thing he was saying,” said Wolf, or, at least that’s what she tried to say, but she just mouthed the words. I’m pretty sure she just can’t hear anything anymore. “I listened to old Avenged Sevenfold and Pantera as a kid, so my dream was to create a space where people could feel unheard. I feel like I’ve done that here. The amount of people I see leaving here to go have sex with each other without having heard a word of their own conversation is inspiring.”
At press time, ‘Closing Time” was blaring throughout the bar, and Blackburn headed home in an Uber, where the driver wished he would shut up.