15. Use Your Keys As A Jabbing Implement
When confronted with someone who supports a company that tried to trademark the 3000-year-old Mexican holiday “Day of the Dead,” just to promote a fucking movie, you’re going to want to use anything on hand to defend yourself. When held correctly, a key can help do to your attacker’s pressure points what Disney does to cultural heritage.
14. Blinding Powder
No one has ever died at Disney World, which seems impossible given their daily crowd size and the basic statistics of amusement rides. How do they pull this off? Simple. No one at Disney is allowed to be declared dead until their body has been moved off-premise. Anyone who can turn a blind eye to those park deaths shouldn’t mind having that other eye blinded by tactical powder while you sneak off to a less annoying conversation.
13. Groin Strike (Kick)
A knee to the groin is your is your best bet for close quarters, but if you’ve got the distance you’re going to want to use the full fulcrum of a proper kick to ensure incapacitation. You’re dealing with someone who supports a company that proposed a slavery-themed park and golf resort in 1993, leave nothing to chance.
12. Guillotine Choke
Every second your attacker can breathe is another second they can sing “Beauty and the Beast” tunes at you off-key. Cut the problem off at the source and flee to safety before they recover.
11. L-Sweep
In 2019 a 4-year-old boy named Olie Jones died tragically of leukodystrophy. Olie’s favorite hero was Spider-man, so his father decided to engrave the character on his son’s tombstone. Wanting everything to be above board, he made an official request to Disney for permission to do this. The request was denied. If you’re cornered by a Disney Stan, do to them literally what Disney did figuratively to a grieving family and give them a surprise leg sweep.
10. Axe Kick
It seems like overkill until you remember you’re dealing with someone who was perfectly okay with Disney forcing its park’s cast members to share underwear until 2001.
9. Headbutt
Being cornered by an attacker who supports AI content can be terrifying, but don’t lose your wits and try to butt them in the head. You’ll likely hurt yourself, and an adult Disney fan doesn’t have a whole lot going on there anyway. Go for the nose.
8. Throat Punch
The throat is one of the Disney adults most vulnerable strike spots. Not only should a properly executed throat punch stun them long enough for you to make your escape, it will prevent them from singing as you flee.
7. Inside Leg Kick
Somehow moves like plastering its first African-American princess’s face on watermelon candy won’t throw a Disney fan off balance, but this kick sure will.
6. Tiger Style
Just crouch into the classic tiger-style pose and loudly declare “Tiger style!” Most people have seen this in a million movies and won’t buy it, but chances are a Disney loyalist has never seen “Kung-fu Panda” so it might work!
5. The Crane Kick
This kick isn’t really the un-defendable weapon Mr. Miyagi made it out to be, but since “The Karate Kid” was a Sony property, your attacker is unlikely to have seen it and had time to analyze the move’s various weaknesses.
4. Mention “Song Of The South”
A Disney-obsessed attacker can ignore a lot, but somewhere in the recesses of their IP-addled brain, the memory of Disney’s love letter to the Antebellum South exists, waiting to be activated. If you can trigger it there’s a good chance you can slip away to safety in the ensuing confusion of your attacker’s inner conflict.
3. 8 Diagram Pole Fighter Teeth Removal
The monks of Mount Wutai were forbidden to kill the wolves that plagued their monastery, so they developed a pole-fighting technique that merely de-fanged them. Even if you can prove that your attacker was insisting you re-watch “The Little Mermaid” killing them is still manslaughter in the eyes of the law. Take a cue from the Mount Wutai monks and simply teach them a lesson.
2. Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique
According to legend, one day the “White Lotus” Pai Mei crossed paths with a young Shaolin monk and graced him with the slightest of nods. The nod was returned with “Hey everybody, check out Mushu the dragon over here!” Thus begat the five-point palm exploding heart technique. Pai Mei stuck the monk precisely at 5 crucial pressure points in sequential order, and after the monk made 5 more Disney references, his heart exploded in his chest.
1. The Glow
The chips are down. You’re quivering on the ground as your attacker pontificates the pros and cons of the “fast pass” system, and all seems lost. It’s time to dig deep. Remember that there was a time when movies were fun, innovative, and not made by committee. Find that appreciation of singular artistic voices inside of you, arise, and watch your corporate devotee attacker cower in your aura.
Continue Reading:
1 2