DECATUR, Ga. — Somewhat depressed Janelle Lorrie found an extra spring in her step upon remembering that conservative radio blowhard Rush Limbaugh is still deceased, relieved friends reported.
“I haven’t been doing very well lately, but the other afternoon I was still in bed when I suddenly remembered how that dipshit fuckface Rush Limbaugh is dead forever and ever, it really made me smile,” said Lorrie, whose uncle would frequently cite Limbaugh during holiday dinners. “It motivated me to shower, leave my apartment, and walk around this beautiful world; something Rush can’t do ever again. And it inspired me to live more healthily so I can see the deaths of Tucker Carlson, Donald Trump, and Jack Antonoff, not because of Jack’s politics, I just find him annoying.”
Medical examiners describe the extra precautions taken when dealing with a high-profile death.
“This somewhat went against protocol, but I removed and burned Rush’s heart before embalming him because you can never be too sure,” recounted forensic pathologist Dirk Nantes, whose medical license was promptly revoked. “It was basically the Super Bowl of my career. I hope Rush is in hell looking up at us with the knowledge that the last person to touch his body was LGBTQ. I’ve been in a good mood since February 2021 and it ain’t going anywhere anytime soon.”
Mental health professionals reported a boost in positivity and outlook upon Limbaugh’s death by lung cancer.
“In general, most of my patients experienced a 5-20% increase in progress within minutes of learning that ol’ Rush bit it,” recounted Dr. Yuliya Morozov, who specializes in cognitive behavioral treatments. “Sometimes patients will get distracted by the personal traumas and hardships, but a simple reminder that Rush Limbaugh’s skeleton is slowly disintegrating to dust puts them back on track. His death really is his best work. In the longshot that this reminder doesn’t help my patients, I bring up the death of David Koch and that Mitch McConnell will soon join them any day now. That always does it.”
Fans of Limbaugh have reportedly begun a tradition of visiting his grave and leaving bottles of oxycontin as an offering.