RICHMOND, Va. — Local Girl Scout Teresa Evans recently broke all regional sales records by selling single cookies at a Gutter Slug show, according to witnesses covered in Thin Mint crumbs.
“After years of selling cookies by the rules, I finally decided it was time for a new strategy,” said Evans of Troop 144. “Last year I sold 42 boxes of cookies, and our cut was like six bucks. The faceless corporation called ‘Girl Scouts’ takes all the profits and barely kicks anything back to the little girl on the street. But I’m not standing for it anymore. I realized that I could make a killing if I tapped into the local punk scene, they are a market the Scouts never target. At $3 a cookie, I’m getting damn near $100 a box, all profit. I’m not messing around.”
Gil ‘Roach’ Brewer, merch guy for Gutter Slug, witnessed the hustle and could only stand in awe as everyone spent all their cash on cookies.
“Friday nights I can usually sell quite a few t-shirts, maybe even a hoodie. But then I looked up at one point and everyone in the club was drawn to this girl. I just figured she showed up with a bottle of ludes, but then I said, that’s no pill, that’s a fuckin’ Thin Mint,” said Brewer while counting the measly singles left in his wallet. “She was stealing all my business, but when she broke out the Samoas, I couldn’t help myself. I gotta admit that’s a pretty genius idea.”
Melissa Gerrard, leader of Troop 144, is proud of her capitalist protegee.
“It’s the same shit, every year. Go out and sell, sell, sell. We’re out there on the streets slinging these cookies for weeks, and for what? A few extra dollars? This year, I just said ‘fuck it,’ I encouraged these girls to DIY this shit,” said Gerrard gleefully. “Teresa has always been quick on her feet and the idea fell out of her like a tooth hitting the most pit floor, it was no brainer. We now have plans to hit five more bars Saturday night, and you better believe we’ll be stocked with all your favorites.”
At press time, Troop 144 had sold 476 boxes worth of loose cookies for a profit of $44,353.